After the Final Rose
Our host Chris Harrison: “Two women left it tears. Brad remains a Bachelor. It was the ending the shocked America.”
I beg to differ my friend. Check out my blog. About a thousand people guessed that he wouldn’t pick either girl on the comments page. America is not THAT shocked.
But America is pretty pissy. And America wants answers!
Things we learned from last night’s After the Final Rose:
1. Trista and Ryan are still made for each other.
Our first Bachelor success couple made their way to the stage wearing jeans and t-shirts. They are so over this Bachelor thing, they don’t even feel the need to dress up. Trista, carrying cute baby Max, talks about how Ryan was climbing a mountain in Argentina when she found out she was pregnant. She discusses the show with Uncle Chris says she feels bad for everyone. I thought Ryan was mute until he took the baby and talked about throwing baseballs and catching frogs. He’s still hot. Not hotter than crap like Brad. But close.
2. Mary Mary and Butchwax are still together?
What in the world? Where did they dig them up? Mary Mary is a professional fisher woman now. I bet Butchwax loves that. Now they can be TOGETHER ALL THE TIME! There’s still a ring…and after two and a half years, there’s a date. November. I’m assuming 2008. I half expected Hanna Montana to come out and start singing to pimp her new album, but she didn’t. I guess Butchwax really isn’t Billy Ray Cyrus.
3. Jenni is going to be FINE!
Her sweet Grandma passed away two weeks ago. I feel she’s probably seeing life in a different perspective right now and could care less about Brad. ABC shows a touching montage of Grandma and I cry like a seven-year-old. Our host asks if she felt Brad was dishonest with her feelings. She graciously answers that there were little things that got her hopes up and concludes that when she saw DD get the boot, she was disappointed in Brad and lost a little respect for him.
4. I don’t know if you caught this while watching, but DD is confused. And maybe a touch angry. I’m just saying.
She expected a proposal. She doesn’t know what happened. She felt like her heart was stabbed. She thought it was rude for him to tell her he didn’t pick Jenni. She still has feelings. Pissed that he didn’t choose either one. Aggravated that he told Jenni that there was something missing, but she had the total package…and he STILL WALKED AWAY! WHY? SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHY!?! It’s not fair that she had to spend two months knowing he didn’t pick either girl. Torture for her to fake smile when people approached her and said, “I think he picks you!” But as stupid as it sounds, she still has a glimmer of hope that he won’t let her walk away for a second time.
5. Brad gets “booo’d” by the AFR audience. Nice. Now THAT is Bachelor history.
Brad says that it is hard to explain why he didn’t fall in love. He reminds us that his heart was broken too. He doesn’t have a formula for falling in love and didn’t want to give either girl false hope. There just weren’t any butterflies. We learn that ABC flew DD’s Dad out for Brad to get permission to marry her. AND IT WAS BRAD’S IDEA! He said up until the final moment he was desperately trying to make things happen. That’s why he bought the engagement ring. But a gut feeling told him it wasn’t right. He feels like a jerk. He knows he has problems. And for the record, he doesn’t have any children, is not gay and is not currently dating an ex-girlfriend.
6. Jenni wears cheeky hipster panties from Gap Body.
I know this because I saw her butt when she attacks Brad with a big huge hug. He whispers that he is sorry about her Grandma. She high fives him. He puts his arm around her, takes it away, puts his hand on her knee, takes it away. The audience laughs. Jenni calls it the friend pat. Our host Chris asks Jenni if she has any questions. And she asks the one we are all wondering. “If you had such strong feelings, what made you not want to take a chance on one of us?”
Brad says that it is hard to explain why he didn’t fall in love. He reminds us that his heart was broken too. He doesn’t have a formula for falling in love and didn’t want to give false hope. There just weren’t any butterflies. He thought he showed respect by walking away. Jenni doesn’t buy it and is convinced he is scared to commit.
7. DD is clearly not over Brad.
She looks like she’s going to choke him when she enters the stage. Very nervous, her question is the same as Jenni’s question. And our host’s question.
“You had two great girls. Most guys don’t even have one. Why couldn’t you choose?”
Brad says that it is hard to explain why he didn’t fall in love. He reminds us that his heart was broken too. He doesn’t have a formula for falling in love and didn’t want to give false hope. There just weren’t any butterflies.
DD rolls her eyes at our host Chris Harrison and asks him to please come up with another answer. She tells him that she was never led to believe that this wasn’t for real. He clears his throat and continues.
Brad: “There just wasn’t anything there.”
DD: (responding loudly) “BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE! WHY WALK AWAY COMPLETELY?”
Brad: “I’m just as heartbroken as you are.”
DD: “Good. I’d like to think it breaks your heart for me to sit here and still be crying. I think of you every single day…what does that mean? You are still willing to let me walk away?”
Brad: “I’m confident in my decision.”
Lincee: Noooooooooo he didn’t.
DD: “Nothing makes sense…”
Brad: “Fair enough.”
Lincee: Is that an appropriate response? Could somebody bring Chad out here to fix this mess?
DD: “You are willing to let me walk out of your life a second time?”
Brad: “I can’t apologize for not falling in love.”
Long uncomfortable pause.
DD: “I need answers and closure and this still doesn’t make sense.”
Extremely long uncomfortable pause. Awkward. Very awkward. They still aren’t talking.
DD: “The one person I trusted broke my heart.”
LOTS OF SILENCE. This is pause is going on forever. Why isn’t someone talking? Our host Chris is torturing Brad. Seriously. I’ve just gotten up and made myself a turkey sandwich and they are starring in awkward silence.
Brad: “I swear that I thought I was taking the high road.”
DD: “I seriously thought you wouldn’t let me walk out again.”
It is at this point our host Chris Harrison finally jumps in and clues DD in:
OurHCH: “I don’t think you are ever going to get the answer you are looking for
DD: “Apparently not.”
Then, idiot Brad hugs DD goodbye and whispers, “I’ll miss you more than you will ever know.”
A lot of people have asked me what I think about his decision…if he should have picked one girl after all of that. I have several theories I’m happy to share with you. Take your pick:
1. He truly was not in love and didn’t want to fake propose or fake date either girl. So why did he say what he said to each girl?
2. He doesn’t like people to be upset or mad at him. He’s an approval addict. Must be liked and loved by everyone. Is willing to do anything to keep that balance.
3. He definitely has commitment issues.
4. He is a romantic and believes that true love…the marrying kind…does not require any work. If butterflies are not there…it’s just not meant to be.
5. His business partners talked him into going on the show to get some publicity for the bars. I don’t think he became the Bachelor for free advertising. I think he agreed thinking it would be a nice bonus…should he find the woman of his dreams. His romantic fairy-tale dream woman. Kind of like Barbie or Cinderella.
6. I think he tried to be sincere, but it backfired.
So where does that leave us? Angry? Feeling like we wasted an entire Bachelor season with no payoff?
It wasn’t that bad. This season brought us crazy Hillary and her BEEP’ing potty mouth. Sweet Sheena. A wonder twin switcheroo. Solista and her pole. Stephen King. And a hotter than crap Bachelor.
It was also the season I will forever remember as the one that pushed me to a million hits on my blogsite.
Now that is something to be thankful for!
I’m off to NYC. Got a message from Straight Guy # 1 that he is in the Big Apple too. We are going to meet at the top of the Empire State Building and discuss all things Bachelor. I’ll tell him you said hi.
Here’s hoping that the new Bachelor is not a chach and that the girls are just crazy enough for us to love them. For those of you who are only here for the Bachelor, I’ll see you next year. For those who are here for me, I’ll be posting on www.ihategreenbeans.blogspot.com a few times a week.
Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the game,
To our fearless leader Lincee:
Thanks for another great season…and even though it sometimes doesn’t end the way we’d like it to- you bring us back to reality (like “real” reality)- to remind us, that there will be another hot bachelor to drool over, and more drunken lushes to point and laugh over- and more drama and heartbreak in just a few short months. Until Spring…
(But DAMN that was awkward last night. ouch).
I love you Lincee….seriously. You are a hoot and you make my week during every bachelor season. It is Thanksgiving, and I am thankful for you this week. You bring so many smiles to so many faces. Thank you Lincee!
Another one of your fans,
Lincee you are AWESOME!! I wish you could write a blog for all of my favorite shows!!!! Have a great Thanksgiving!
Great job Lincee. You keep us real and there is always the giddy promise of next season. Thanks for the humor and enjoy NYC – even if Broadway is black.
Thank you, Lincee! I truly feel bad for those girls. But you made the season worth watching.
Is that Cosmo guy really the next bachelor? He looks like a chach to me!
Your fan since the email days,
Great recap. I’ve enjoyed reading your witty retellings. You know what impressed me the most about last night? Both Jenni and Deanna were kind when speaking about each other. No bad mouthing and they each seemed genuinely distressed for the other. Nothing like a libertine cad to get very different girls to bond. He’s pointless. I think the references to “getting help” mean his mama has lit into him as well. How could she not? If my son had sent such huge and public mixed signals to two lovely young women I’d beat him with a cast iron skillet. Seriously.
I vote Deanna, aka Blinky, for the next Bachelorette…aren’t we overdue for a Bachelorette edition??
have fun in ny, just moved here and it’s aaaaamazing.
p.s. all the hot ones are assholes…and he’s 34 and single, what else did you people really expect from him? it’s in the eyes, they were lying the whole time. i hope he finds a boyfriend soon. 🙂 hope it was worth the bar business and college booty you’re going to get now.
Lincee… you topped yourself this season! I’m glad you had so much to work with and I look forward to your blog next season. Not the show (which I will watch to get your jokes) but to your witty comments!
As to last night… Brad, you tried to take the high road, you tried to come out of this smelling like roses… but man, you bombed. Even people who were totally hating your final two now love them. Its not that you didn’t propose. Its the HUGE mixed messages you sent to both ladies. And you continue to send. NOT COOL. I feel for the next girl who gets all star struck and thinks she’s going to win you over. Thats not gonna happen for a long time….
I hear there is a Bachelorette this summer… there was an interview on EW.com with one of the producers. But he didn’t say who. I’m still voting for Hillary! Or maybe Bevin (although she says she’s dating).
Hey Lincee….you don’t know me, but I feel like we are buds anyway!! You totally crack me up and should get paid for such wonderful entertainment!! The only thing I think you missed about lastnight was to make fun of whoever picked out the ties worn by our HCH and HTC Brad…. what the heck was CH thinking with that purple swirly thing around his neck?! 🙂
Can’t wait to read your next post…. have a blast in NYC! My hubby and I got engaged there two years ago on the ice at the Rockefeller Center, so NYC has a special place in my heart!! 🙂
Your friend in Dallas, Amber
The one thing I told my friend is…the reason it wouldn’t work, don’t get me wrong, I feel sorry for both girls, but he’s a true Texas guy. And as always, a Texas guy needs a Texas girl…….no matter how you swing it. I have committment issues, so I recognize Brad’s right away. When the right girl comes along, he’ll feel the butterflies. Have a fabulous Thanksgiving!!!
Thank you for yet another season. I have to say, when I talk to my friends about the bachelor, we always use your names, Jenni Couric, Hotter Than Crap Brad, etc. You’re terrific to read.
About last night, I have to say, I was sitting there thinking that he has real issues about people hating him. I believe that he was genuinely a nice guy, just didn’t feel it, didn’t want anyone to hate him so he acted really badly and made everyone hate him. Poor guy.
I guess the good news is that you can give him that purple crush pride foam finger when he comes to your hometown!
See you next year!
Lincee, I only watched the last two episodes of the bachelor this season and was told about your blog…your recaps are witty and riiight on! thanks for all you do 🙂
as for brad…i agree that he is a people pleaser. he doesn’t want to come out looking like the bad guy, so he sends mixed feelings. this is just as bad. he should just be an asshole. then at least dd wouldn’t be confused.
For the love of God, Brad Womack, let DDHanna go in peace!!! If you truly miss someone you long to be with them. If your heart is broken then you do something to make it unbroken. Just shut your mouth and quit leading that poor girl on. You are giving her false hope. Leave with some dignity and just tell her you didn’t love her quit telling things that someone with feelings would tell her.
Brad Womack is a classless jerk.
SO super awkward! The whole thing! I was dying! They booed him! I mean, this guy goes from the sexiest bachelor and the most popular and loved, to people BOOing him while walking on the stage! Many women with lots of angry faces and eye rolls!! Oh the stark contrast!!
I think the reason everyone is so upset (me included) is because it was our fairytale. We want to believe in true love – as sappy as that sounds and as ridiculous as it is finding it on national TV. Women really want to believe that there is that perfect person out there and that there ARE happy endings… but as we all know from last night’s episode, there aren’t always happy endings. I don’t see sad or tragic ending movies for a reason. If I would’ve known this ended like this – with all things awkward and the whole color me rejected theme, I would’ve tuned out months ago.
Lincee – you are hilarious. It has been a JOY to read your blogs on Tuesdays! Thanks for the entertainment. Have fun in NYC! What a fun city! Go ice-skating at Rockefeller Center for me!