Bachelor Clayton Recap: Villains Gotta Vil
Bachelor Clayton Recap | Episode 6
I feel slightly sorry for The Bachelor because many distractions were competing for my mental space on Monday night. First of all, Valentine’s Day called for copious amounts of heart-shaped chocolate and Mama’s famous pink lemonade daiquiris. Second, the residual effects of the euphoria I experienced during the Super Bowl halftime show were still ricocheting through my body. Sadly, a dull bachelor gallivanting around Croatia can’t compete with gooey caramel and the soundtrack of my young twenties.
Thank goodness for Shanae.
I know, I know, Shanae is a horrible creature who can manipulate a situation like she’s Anna Delvey. But you have to give her props for entertainment value. And her willingness to parade around the mansion with her invented lies, reducing the remaining women like they are golden ticket winners in a Wonka factory.
When we last left our villain, she and Genevieve were dangerously close to dropping off the edge of Niagara Falls. Suddenly, everyone is dry and ready for a serious talk on the roaming bench. Genevieve uses her time to convince Clayton that her feelings grow each day. Are these loving feelings for Clayton? Who knows. Are these seething feelings toward Shanae? Probably so.
Clayton takes his turn with Shanae, and she crafts an intricate web of lies concerning “the situation” with Genevieve. Oh, you don’t know? Well, Shanae heard that Genevieve wants to go home. In fact, she was shocked to see Genny downstairs this morning. It’s a shame how two-faced Gen is and how dishonest some girls can be. Obviously, she’s playing a part. She’s acting.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. As Shanae conjures up actual tears, the rest of us wonder if Genevieve is really acting. We secretly hope so since we know Shanae is about to be sent home, and we need someone else to take on the role of resident crazy pants.
Clayton asks the women to join him on the roaming bench. Then he inquires if Genevieve is an actress and if she’s lying to him.
Genevieve can’t form words. She’s literally dumbfounded. Once she locates her tongue and her vocal cords fire up, she calmly tells her sort-of boyfriend that she is not an actress and has been open and honest in every conversation they’ve ever had. Both times.
Clayton doesn’t know how to respond. He relies on his old standby and leaves the women to ponder life fifty yards away. When our bachelor returns ninety seconds later, he bestows the rose to Genevieve and leaves Shanae lounging by the river to hire an Uber to drive her to the airport. Clayton and Genevieve have a lovely time wandering around the attraction, trying not to get wet.
Other than Clayton wearing an actual suit without a hoodie underneath, nothing was worth mentioning during the rose ceremony cocktail party.
Wait. I take that back. Mara’s dress was horrendous. It had to be borrowed from one of the whiter girls in the group because the mesh around her chest wasn’t her skin color. Plus, she made him eat poutine.
There’s no need to cry on the roof because Serene interrupted your date. Do better, Mara.
Also, Marlena the Olympian and Hunter the Disney princess were lucky enough to fly back to the United States with Shanae.
Break out the animated map, people, because we are going BIG TIME international! The little airplane dots all the way to Croatia, and the women are stoked.
So stoked that they all wear their jackets off their shoulders but still on their arms. I ask you, dear reader, is this a thing? Some even wore their jacket on one shoulder. Am I supposed to be doing this? Or is this like the mom jean trend that I pray to the good Lord every day that it goes away? Is that this season’s statement necklace? Or ubiquitous scarf? I’m so confused.
Anyway, our boy meets the ladies in an outdoor cafe and selects Teddi to join him on his first European one-on-one date. I notice two things: Teddi’s legs are as long as Clayton’s, and Teddi’s hair is fabulous.
She also has a secret. What could it be? An unfortunate tattoo? A scorned lover? A spread in Playboy?
Nope. If you recall from night one, Teddi is a virgin who’s super cool with no longer being a virgin. Right, right, right, right, right.
Clayton handles the news like a champ. He stutters, begins to sweat, and eventually tells her that he would have never known had she not told him.
Then he asks if she’s ever been in love, which is a moo point since Teddi clearly outlined that she would never sleep with a guy unless she was in love with him. Use your ears, Clayton.
He does ask one good question during this awkward conversation. Like Foreigner, he wants to know what love is, in her opinion. Apparently, all Teddi needs is to feel safe.
Okay. Perhaps we can expand that list a little more in the future. Nevertheless, Clayton thanks her for being vulnerable and makes out with her as safely as possible before giving her the date rose.
Ugh. These dates are so dumb. A Viking woman and her sidekick make the ladies do all sorts of things to prove their love. For instance, they have to shove each other out of a circle, they have to eat gross food, and they have to kneel in front of Clayton and profess their love.
Notice I swept right by that “eat gross food” part. I tell you, I have never almost puked watching people eat gross food before. I might turn my head or grimace if they stick cow intestines in their mouth and chew daintily. But the one moment I thought I was going to hurl my conversation hearts was when Serene grabbed the fish head, ate the eyeball, and then proceeded to squeeze the head of said fish until it produced liquid guts that, when held high above her head, dripped steadily into her open mouth.
I’ve often thank the producers for providing a Black Modesty Box™ during the more provocative moments of this show. However, if I knew the person who placed the BMB over the woman who was vomiting into a bucket, I’d kiss him on the mouth—licking my lips first, of course, to make them better.
To Mara’s disgust, Serene wins some alone time with Clay-en, and this makes Mara angry. Angry enough to take on the discarded sash of VILLAIN that Shanae left behind.
During her alone time, Mara straight up tells Clayton that there are some women in the house who are not ready for marriage. These saplings were not able to party like it’s 1999 because they were not yet born in 1999. Isn’t Clayton’s dream and purpose of being on this show to end up with a future wife and children? The roses he’s handing out do not reflect that goal.
Clayton stares at her, but he doesn’t get up to ponder. Mara loves the chance to continue laying it on thick, so she does. Clayton eventually figures out that Mara is speaking in code about Sarah. I’m not sure if he figured it out on his own or if it was when Mara reprimanded him for giving Sarah a second one-on-one date when she has received none.
Either way, Mara warns Clayton that she will never not be honest and she will always bring it 100. Clayton was extremely generous when he told her that “bringing it 100” is not a thing. He also didn’t tell the old lady that she needed to wear her black leather jacket off her shoulders. My guess is that he needs an informer to remain in the group. He neither kisses nor hugs Mara.
Probably because he was all kissed out from Rachel, who Clayton L-O-V-E-S. Rachel tells him that she is falling for him, like, soooooo hard. She has no doubts, but she’s super scared. Clayton is elated. No one has ever told him that! They celebrate by making out some more. And he gives Rachel the date rose.
Guess who is mad? Mara!
We see Clayton find a note that has been shoved under his door with an ominous, “Meet me at the clock tower.”
First of all, this is Croatia. Clock towers are like Chick-Fil-As. Second, how many of you thought, “Save the clock tower!”
Just when I think Mara needs to be more specific with her vague instructions, we spot Clayton clamoring up a set of stairs into the waiting arms of Susie.
Ah! Bachelor Nation’s sweetheart! Their babies will have amazing dimples. And because she’s the absolute best, I’m sure no one cares that Susie broke all the rules by creating her own one-on-one date with Dilbert. PS: Clayton L-O-V-E-S that Susie asked him out. Then he loses his mind when she mumbles that she’s falling in love with him.
Susie doesn’t think it. She’s not falling for him. She’s there, and she is happy.
Meanwhile, we see Mara holding Gabby hostage, monologuing how Sarah is not ready for a long-term commitment. Mara is certain Clay-en is using this date to let her down easily. Gabby shuts one eye and nods her head. This helps her see only one of Mara instead of two.
Gabby hiccups, and the scene switches to Clayton asking Jesse for some advice about what to do with the news that Sarah may not be here for the right reasons (right reasons.) Jesse wisely tells Clayton to follow his heart.
He should also think outside the box, read between the lines, and not cry over spilled milk.
Sarah and Clayton meet behind some hedges and head to dinner. How boring must their daytime date have been for there to be zero footage of the event? Or maybe the confrontation was too good.
Clayton shares with Sarah that some of the women in the house wonder if she’s ready for this journey to find love. Once again, a woman is left dumbfounded and can’t seem to find her words. Not even her favorite word — like. What Sarah does find is her tears. In fact, she finds all the tears.
Through snotty, mascara-run panic, Gabby hastily tells Clayton that she like sees herself engaged to him. She like wouldn’t be here like if she didn’t! Plus, she’s like shown him like sides of herself that like no other person like has seen!
Clayton sees tears and hears the flip side of the story, and bolts to be by himself. Sarah finds her handler and weeps, paces, and curses up a storm. She eventually realizes (read: the handler tells her) that someone in the house is trying to sabotage her relationship. And she’s not going to let them get away with it.
Fortunately for Sarah, she will have the opportunity to take this person down since Clayton eventually returns to the table to give her the date rose and apologize for being weird. Sarah forgives him, takes the rose, and vows to make the saboteur pay.
I can’t wait!