Bachelor Grant Recap | Episode 1

Can you believe we are discussing SEASON 29 of The Bachelor? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I sat down on my loveseat, a plate of spaghetti in hand, tuned in to a new reality show about dating? His name was Andrew Firestone, and I was immediately O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D. Did he really say that? Did she really wear that? Am I drawn to this like a moth to a flame?

And here we are — twenty-three years later and I’m still asking the same questions. Did Grant really say that? Did Vicky really wear that? Am I drawn to this show like a moth to a flame?

Some things never change. Let’s meet Grant’s lovely ladies, who will be vying for his heart on this journey we call love!

Alexe

New Brunswick, Canada
Pediatric Speech Therapist, 27
Status: FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE

Alexe is just cute as a button with her French Canadian accent and has zero qualms escorting a llama named Linda straight into the mansion. Or should I say alpaca? Or camel? No one knows. What we do know is that Linda is the reason Alexe stood out to Grant and their entire vibe is different than anyone else in the lineup.

Alexe barely has a stitch of makeup on. She seems genuine, even teaching our bachelor a few French words. Then they kiss, which was also of the French variety! Grant seems to relax in her presence, and because she received the first impression rose, she will get the first one-on-one date!

I approve. Go Alexe!

Alli Jo

Manalapan, New Jersey
Boxing Trainer, 30
Status: ROSE

Where are my Saved By the Bell fans? Is Alli Jo not giving Kelly Kapowski here? Even when she pulled up in a Jeep Wrangler, it felt right. Then I Googled, “Did Kelly Kapowski drive a Jeep?” and learned that she drove a red convertible Camero.

A. If I had been right, I would have been concerned about what lives rent-free in my brain.
B. How awesome is Google for knowing that fun fact?

Alli Jo gives Grant a “special delivery” pizza that is in the shape of a heart. When she asks him if he will accept a piece of her heart, he giggles and takes a slice. Then, they eat a few bites of cold pizza in awkward silence.

AJ warns Grant that she is from New Jersey and will henceforth be loud. I’m not sure if Grant is the Zack Morris she’s looking for at this point in his life. She is a question mark for me.

Allyshia (14.1K)

Tampa, Florida
Interior Designer, 29
Status: ROSE

Allyshia starts off a bit weak by producing a genie lamp for Grant to rub.

Sidebar: How awesome was that Christina Aguilera song? Answer: Awesome.

Allyshia feels like the resident informer, explaining everyone’s feelings about Grant’s handsome physique and the quality of gorgeous women who keep entering the mansion. It isn’t until she actually sits down with the bachelor and the bond over their single mothers that I begin to recognize the signs.

Grant likes Allyshia. A lot.

Within minutes, they have decided to watch The Notebook in sweatpants while they eat candy. Allyshia hits him with, “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird,” and Grant wholeheartedly leans in for the first on-camera kiss of the night.

Allyshia was also one of many who chose to wear a long scarf around her neck. It paired nicely with the low-slung belt of her modern-day wedding dress wardrobe. Think what Princess Leia would have worn to a toga party.

Bailey (12K)

Atlanta, Georgia
Social Media Manager, 27
Status: ROSE

Bailey, Bailey, Bailey. Ugh. Anyone who admits to being on her phone 24/7 is going to be annoying to me. Yes, she’s in social media, but did they have to give her a burner phone to play with all night long?

Also, I don’t think it’s wise to tell the bachelor that you are an “acquired taste” and that “you either love me or hate me.” I was over her selfie schtick the second it started and was exhausted by the time she made Grant wear a wig during their one-on-one time.

She left a strong impression. It wasn’t my cup of tea and I was actually surprised that Grant gave her a rose!

Beverly

Howard Beach, New York
Insurance Salesperson, 30
Status: ROSE

You probably remember Beverly’s boobs more than you actually remember Beverly. She did wear a sash that read, “Miss Dominica Republic.” I think Grant was impressed. When she flipped it to the backside, which read, “Mrs. Ellis,” I think he thought she was cute.

We never saw her again.

Carolina (16.5K)

Guaynabo, Puerto Rico
Public Relations Producer, 28
Status: ROSE

Carolina is exactly who we thought she would be! She will be our resident villain, but I appreciate that she will tip-toe into that role, at least during episode 1.

Carolina told the viewing audience that her last boyfriend was a deejay. Then she asked for a moment of silence for how dumb that decision was! She speaks to Grant in rapid-fire Spanish. He is clueless but answers “Si” to everything she says.

When she turns to walk into the mansion, we spy an unfortunate pattern on her dress that gives the optical illusion of her gorgeous black and beige sparkles swirling into the direction of a bullseye right on top of her derrière. I’m sure the subliminal messaging was supposed to be, “Here’s your target!” but instead it looked like a swirling butthole.

I’m sorry to be so crass, but it’s true.

Carolina jokes around with Grant during her one-on-one time. Instead of luring him in with her humor, Grant makes her cry by asking about her relationship with her parents. The fact that she would genuinely shed tears on national TV mortified Carolina. That’s weakness in her eyes.

Cue Carolina building her walls and making sure no one dictates her emotions again on this show. She will be in charge. She will do EXACTLY what she wants. Mark my words. Grant may like her, but it will be on her terms.

Chloie

New York, New York
Model, 27
Status: ROSE

There’s no place like home, and Chloie reminds Grant of that by wearing red ruby slippers. He won’t remember her name, but he will remember the busty redhead is from Kansas. Details.

As you can probably tell from her picture, Chloie is a plus-sized model. Please read that last sentence with a sarcastic font. She tells the camera that agents told her that she could lose thirty pounds to be a regular model or she could stay the same and be the poster child for normal women everywhere.

Chloie claims she will never be a size zero. Suddenly, this woman has my heart!

Christina

Fargo, North Dakota
Marketing Director, 26
Status: No Rose

What if Kirsten Dunst and Gwenneth Paltrow had a baby?

Dina

Chicago, Illinois
Attorney, 31
Status: ROSE

Dina is one of eleven children who has a more traditional outlook on life. Doesn’t this method of dating seem to be perfect for her?

She claims that people underestimate her all the time. Then she confidently tells Grant that her ring finger is a size six. During her alone time, I’m confused by Grant’s assumption that Dina is a “calming presence.”

Bless him. He pegged her ALL WRONG. This woman is a dusty thirty-one-year-old and has already rolled her eyes fifteen times at the one carrying her phone around and the ditz with the llama. She’s four seconds from being D-O-N-E.

Not to mention the fact that some gorgeous rando, who leads with her vagina, has just walked in and STOLEN GRANT away from her on night one. THE NERVE.

It turns out that the woman they all thought was a vicious ex-girlfriend turned out to be Grant’s sister, who just popped in to share some embarrassing photos of Grant in a diaper.

Dina is going to self-destruct the minute Carolina crosses her on a group date cocktail party.

Ella

Los Angeles, California
Luxury Travel Host, 25
Status: ROSE

I know more about Linda the Llama than I do about Ella. How did she get a rose?

J’Nae

Colorado Springs, Colorado
Account Coordinator, 28
Status: No Rose

This one actually surprised me. J’Nae and I both thought that her ties to basketball would be a surefire way to land a rose on night one. Instead, J’Nae blew baby powder onto Grant’s gorgeous tuxedo in a terrible icebreaker gone bad. FOUL!

Juliana

Newton, Massachusetts
Client Service Associate, 28
Status: ROSE

Juliana and Grant shared a cannoli Lady & the Tramp style, and I’m still deciding if I’m here for it. It was hella awkward, but I didn’t end up behind a couch cushion like another contestant. Juliana claims she has skills on the piano and tries to prove it later when the ABC Intern sets up a keyboard near the pool. Her definition of “skills” is different from mine or anyone with half a musical ear.

But she is enthusiastic! In fact, she drones on and on about her family and how they were there for her when a previous relationship took her to a dark place that broke her. She will forever be grateful, and oh by the way, she thinks Grant is “her man.”

This makes Juliana nervous to admit to herself. We know because a thick sheen of sweat rests on her forehead the entire time she visits with Grant. He charms Juliana and moments later, she swears that Grant is LITERALLY her husband.

Let’s put aside the fact that Juliana does not understand the term “literally” for a second. Is she going to go to the kitchen and boil the llama because she doesn’t have access to a bunny? RUN, LINDA! RUN!!!

Kelsey

Brooklyn, New York
Interior Designer: 26
Status: No Rose

I have never seen this woman in my life.

Kyleigh

Wilmington, North Carolina
Retail Manager, 26
Status: No Rose

Crickets are LITERALLY chirping in my head right now.

Litia

Salt Lake City, Utah
Venture Capitalist, 31
Status: ROSE

Litia needs to eat a sandwich. Also, I think she needs to step away from the glitter oil she so lovingly slathered on her chest. Other than those two things, we also learned that she is a Mormon who was born in Hawaii and has a big family.

Because she’s surrounded by kids, her first question to Grant is, “Where will the car seat go in your Ferrari?” I thought this was kind of cute. But when Grant answered, “I also have an Acura,” I remembered why I like our bachelor so much. HE IS A DOLL.

Litia thanks Grant for his “emotional awareness,” and they make out like kids under the bleachers. He likes her for real!

Natalie

Louisville, Kentucky
Ph.D. Student, 25
Status: ROSE

Natalie held her own in the memorable department and it all revolved around anxiety. First, she gives him worry stones during the icebreaker. Then, during their one-on-one, she took him through some breathing exercises that help the kids she works with as she’s going after her doctorate in psychology.

Grant is impressed by her brain, her ambition, and her willingness to admit that she’s nervous. He tells the camera that he feels good about Natalie. The question remains: Is she too young?

Neicey

Blythewood, South Carolina
Pediatrician, 32
Status: No Rose

Neicey seemed like a no-brainer to me. But what do I know? Grant saw the white doctor’s coat and escorted her right out of the door.

Parisa (11.7K)

Birmingham, Michigan
Pediatric Behavior Analyst, 29
Status: ROSE

B-L-E-S-S. Parisa is a “fun and playful” person who likes to make PowerPoints. Lord, give me strength right now. This woman presented a fifteen-minute slide show presentation of her life with Grant. You know, the man she just met an hour ago.

It started with Jen dumping Grant. Slide one included several pictures of our bachelor in tears because he was just left heartbroken on national television. I’m undone.

Then, Parisa cobbles together a timeline of her life with Grant, including dates, their engagement, their wedding, AND THEIR THREE CHILDREN. She totally ChatGPT’d their faces into different scenarios, then had AI figure out what their children would look like one day.

This is what we call BOLD. The fact that Parisa didn’t giggle profusely throughout the whole thing is even more disturbing. She is proud of her work and even smiles when Grant reacts, “You really did that!”

She did, Grant. She really did that. Follow Linda and RUN!!!

Radhika

New York, New York
Attorney, 28
Status: No Rose

Radhika somewhat belly-danced her way from the limo to Grant. I have no idea what happened next because I was screaming into the couch cushion for Jesse Palmer to make it stop.

Rebekah (31.5K !!!!)

Dallas, Texas
ICU Nurse, 31
Status: ROSE

The only thing I have written down for Rebekah is “green dress” and “The Little Mermaid.” Take that for what it’s worth.

Rose

Chicago, Illinois
Registered Nurse, 27
Status: ROSE

Rose, in her beautiful mint green dress, knocked it out of the park when she asked Grant if he would accept this Rose.” Darling.

Then she screwed it all up by blindfolding our bachelor, AND HERSELF, so they could create something together with clay. Sure, it sounds like a Ghost remake, but it was the exact opposite. And phallic. Which might have been the point, but neither could see the other’s masterpiece. Grant eventually takes his blindfold off and has a conversation with Rose while hers is still on!

HOWEVER, they seem to laugh about the awkwardness and Rose does indeed, get a rose.

Sarafiena

New York, New York
Associate Media Director, 29
Status: ROSE

We didn’t see a lot of Sarafiena, especially when she showed up holding a huge Grant head. If scenes from this season are to be believed, I think Sarafiena might be a contender.

Savannah

Charlottesville, Virginia
Wedding Planner, 27
Status: No Rose

Poor Savannah walked around all night long with an actual wedding cake, trying to find time to talk to our bachelor. It never happened. We don’t know if the contestants or Linda eventually ate the cake, but it looked delicious.

Vicky

Las Vegas, Nevada
Nightclub Server, 28
Status: ROSE

Viva Las Vicky. That’s all I have to say about that.

Zoe (10.3K)

New York, New York
Tech Engineer/Model, 27
Status: ROSE

Zoe brought a t-shirt cannon and proceeded to shoot t-shirts with a picture of her and Grant sunburned over the mansion wall into the cocktail party. Grant seemed more excited about the cannon than Zoe, in my opinion. I was more impressed by the gravitational pull at the mansion and how it insisted on weighing Zoe’s dress down so her boobs were almost popping out!

And there you have it! Season 29’s parade of women! Who will win Grant’s heart? Who will break it? And will Linda be invited to stay at the mans? Check back each week for my recap, and make sure to check out my podcast with Some Guy in Austin!