Bachelor Grant Recap | Episode 2

Everyone is ready to get this party started with our dear bachelor Grant. The mimosas are flowing as bleary-eyed women listen to Rebekah tell everyone that she will manifest a rose directly into her hands just as soon as Uncle Jesse arrives with the date card.

Our fearless host arrives moments later to remind the women how this reality show works. Alexe gets the coveted one-on-one since she secured the first impression rose, and the rest of the women will have to duke it out in two separate group dates. 

Dina retrieves the date card from the coffee table immediately after Uncle Jesse leaves to pick up sports anchor Ashley Brewer from the airport. (No one knows who she is, so don’t pull at that thread.) The critical thing to note is that the women attending the first group date must shoot their shot, according to the cryptic message left on the official Bachelor stationery. 

What could it mean? Using context clues, some figure the best answer is a date revolving around basketball. These are different from the women who thought the llama was a camel. 

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelors on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

FIRST GROUP DATE

A gaggle of ten women galavant up to Grant in front of a gym, wearing every color of legging in the current lululemon catalog. The group hustles inside to shoot a few baskets, and I’m reminded again of how old I feel when Beverly compliments Grant for being “juicy.” 

Does he have that word written on his butt? Is this because he’s sweaty? Is that really a compliment? I don’t know and can’t concentrate on breaking that statement down because all the little children from central casting swarm the court with huge TV smiles on their faces. 

Parisa ignores the young ones in search of a “defense lesson” from Grant since she’s never played basketball before. Chloie high-fives anyone shorter than her, and Natalie walks through some breathing exercises with a young girl who probably suffers from stage fright, but Natalie assumes she is dehydrated. Grant watches them all like a hawk since this could be the future mother of his own children.

What better way to figure out if someone has a maternal instinct in her body than by making the women compete in a slam dunk contest? It’s just common sense. As the ladies hurl themselves toward the basket, praying against gravity that they can at least reach the bottom of the net, Zoe takes a different tactic. She forfeits her turn and steals the bachelor away for some alone time.

My favorite part was watching all of the reactions after Zoe’s declaration. Her face is confident. Grant looks like he wants to crawl into a hole. Alli Joe shoots daggers with her eyeballs, and every kid on the court who painstakingly memorized lines with his or her parent the night before fails to stay in character, confused by this sudden turn of events that wasn’t in the script. 

Chin up, kiddos. THERE ARE NO RULES.

Zoe takes Grant to the roof while the remaining women stare at each other. Most are anxious, but Alli Jo is experiencing straight-up rage. When the pair return to the court, Uncle Jesse shows up to announce the five-on-five basketball game that will take place in mere minutes in front of all the kids’ parents, neighbors, and sports anchor Ashley Brewer.

To make matters even worse, showrunners put the tallest five girls on one team. It’s the opposite of fair, but Alli Jo is too busy seeing red to notice that her team is at a huge disadvantage. 

Here are a few of my favorite moments from the game:

• At the tip-off, Cloie asks which is her team’s goal?
• Sarafiena travels the entire time. She barely bounces the ball.
• Multiple women lost false fingernails on the court.
• Grant finds one on the ground and graciously tries to reunite it with its owner. The woman answers, “No. That’s not mine.” BLESS!
• Alli Jo body checks Zoe into the ground. The refs did not call it a foul. 

To no one’s surprise, the tall team beats the short team with a score of 18-2. Chloie is chosen by Grant as his MVP and is awarded his letter jacket as a prize. On cue, the children chant, “KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS,” and the pair share a peck of a smooch in front of the crowd. 

After Grant and Chloie’s alone time, we head to the cocktail party, where the tension is palpable. Alli Jo can control her facial expressions to rest in any position other than disgust. Or maybe she was suffering from cold cleavage with that dress she was wearing? One can’t be too sure. The bottom line is that AJ is in a state. 

She has no qualms about telling Zoe precisely what she did wrong. Zoe has no qualms about telling Alli Jo that she followed what the date card said. You only get one shot. One shot at the group date. One shot at this entire experience. You must lose yourself in the music, the moment. You better never let it go. Oh. Alli Jo uses the word “disrespected” and shuns Zoe for taking time for herself. 

Meanwhile, Natalie bonds with our bachelor over the children at the basketball game and how they all LOVED Natalie. This naturally leads to a conversation about having her own children, which is way better than making a PowerPoint presentation with ChatGPT fake spawn. It turns out that Grant is completely fine with his future daughter preferring volleyball over basketball. 

Next up is Julianna. Grant swipes Letia’s sternum serum and slathers it all over Julianna’s hands, which makes her so happy. Knowing that this concoction doesn’t absorb into human skin, I fear for Grant’s spectacularly tailored suit. 

Zoe shows up moments later and sucks all of the sexual tension out of the room. Because he’s signed his life away, Grant is forbidden from staying with Julianna and bids her adieu. Unlike her tattoo, Julianna is unable to “Let go and let God” as she marches into the women’s gathering area and reports that Zoe stole Grant away as things were just about to get interesting. 

Alli Jo is done. Everyone is annoyed and fed up with Zoe’s behavior and since Alli Jo is the most worked up, it is her responsibility to give Zoe a taste of her own medicine. SHE MUST STEAL GRANT FROM ZOE RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

Just as Zoe confesses to Grant that she has walls and it’s hard for her not be guarded, Alli Jo steps in to shoot her own shot. Zoe asks for two more minutes, but AJ stands firm, reminding the traitor that she has had ALL THE MINUTES.

Alli Jo escorts Grant five feet away from Zoe to a nearby sofa, rambles on about coaching her kids one day, and proceeds to emit steam from her ears when Zoe steals Grant back just minutes later. 

Naturally, this turns into a petty fight, with Julianna trying her best to mediate so all parties can have their feelings heard. Grant mercifully arrives before hair-pulling and gives Natalie the date rose for being normal. 

ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Alexe

Alexe follows a random trail of rose petals through the Beverly Center. Think old-school mall, complete with Forever XXI and a Wetzel Pretzel. Or think of Robin Sparkles, and let’s be best friends.

This vintage date might have been cool in the nineties. Or if any of the stores were actually open for our couple to wander through. But when you’re stuck with all of the random things to do in the breezeway, I’m actually pretty impressed that the ABC Intern was able to talk one of the low-key clothing stores to house a piano so Grant could woo his way musically into Alexe’s heart. 

Even their alone time is a pilfered blanket from a kiosk laid out in the middle of the food court. What’s next? A toast of Orange Julius? A slice from Sbarros? 

Nevertheless, we do learn that Alexe was raised by her grandparents, and she feels good about Grant not having a picture-perfect life. Grant kindly assures Alexe that she will one day have a shot at raising kids under her terms. And it will be beautiful. 

Then they dance to a song played from a cassette tape in a boombox. I’m so confused. 

SECOND GROUP DATE

Grant meets the women in front of a theater, which can only mean one thing. They are about to embarrass themselves royally in front of strangers in person and fans on national television. 

Sure enough, Mario is there with Robin Antin of the Pussycat Dolls to guide our women in vocal and dance lessons. Let the record show I saw no fruit from these endeavors. 

Grant shows the ladies how it’s done by singing a little ditty he “made up on the way over here.” 

Calm down, Grant. You can’t be that perfect. 

First up in the competition is Bailey, the social media queen. She trades her phone in for a microphone and shouts into the device in the most spectacularly tone-deaf way. She hops into the splits at the end of her performance, which earns her a ton of extra points from me. 

Litia sits on Grant’s lap and recites a basic poem one might learn in grade school. Rose and Dina follow, equally boring. Carolina gives him a lap dance and performs her poem in Spanish. And then Rebekah, the best singer of the group, manages to ask Grant if he would like to make a baby in her one shot to make a good impression. 

Grant chooses Carolina as the “winner” because, duh. Carolina is so overcome with joy that she launches herself onto Grant, who is smiling from the couch, and grinds him up and down whilst heavily making out with his mouth for a solid sixty seconds. Rose begins to cry. 

At the cocktail party, Grant saunters into the room and sits down on the couch, praising the women for doing such a great job at the singing competition. He’s met with demure reactions, excluding Carolina, who smiles like it’s her job. Understanding that something is wrong, Grant asks Rebekah to join him for some alone time. 

Grant compliments the girl, who smiles at herself for manifesting this moment and stops short when he asks Rebekah if he did something wrong earlier. He knows the vibe is off. He trusts her to share.

Rebekah admits it’s hard to be excited when you aren’t chosen. She refrains from saying that it’s hard to feel excited when you watch the guy you like dry-humping another woman for the amount of time it takes you to wait for your Starbucks order. 

Grant immediately feels bad. And I believe he’s not used to giving attention to multiple women. He thanks Rebekah and sends her on her way. She is delighted to share with the other women that Grant feels terrible that the vibe is off. A collective sigh ripples through the women until it gets to Carolina, who has no clue what is happening. 

It isn’t until someone reminds Carolina that she “took advantage of a situation” that it occurs to Carolina that these women are irritated with her! Now, she’s afraid that Grant will feel the need to validate everyone else and push her away in the process.

She may have a point because, at the moment, Grant is falling all over himself to make Letia feel important. Apparently, the last time they were together, he told her, “I can’t tell you don’t get told no a lot.” Grant meant this as a compliment. Her beauty allows her to get away with more than normal people. In reality, Letia is told “no” a lot. Why else would she be in this show?

Letia ends up in Grant’s arms, lamenting that she is sick of dating. She wants to feel seen and is grateful that Grant has the emotional capacity to help her get there. Letia is falling hard, everyone. Make sure she’s on your bracket!

And to be honest, I think Carolina should be on there, too. At least for now. Grant is happy to let Carolina know that he is personally focusing on their connection and nothing else. She did nothing wrong, and he encourages her to continue being herself. 

Cue Carolina taking that statement for granted in the coming weeks. Especially since she didn’t get the date rose. That went to Letia!

ROSE CEREMONY

We see Beverly’s boobs a lot, and Ella wrote Grant a letter. But it was Bailey who stole the show at the rose ceremony. Why? Because she’s struggling with this entire process and doesn’t know how to be vulnerable as a person and not an influencer on a screen. 

Grant kindly wipes her teary eyes and assures her that she’s going to be okay. But the tears will not stop falling. When someone steals Grant away, Bailey is happy to sulk back into the mansion and steel her nerves to hear her fate. 

As it turns out, Bailey is safe. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing for her mental health, but she’s here for one more week. Sadly, Vicky, Ella, Allysha (SHOCKER), and Rebekah were unable to manifest that rose into existence, which seemed detrimental to three of the four. 

Ella’s crouching Mesnick, hidden dragon moment will go down in history as the earliest we’ve seen in week two. Here’s hoping the ABC Psychotherapist was on-call in her rejection SUV.