Bachelor in Paradise Recap 2021 | Premiere Episode

The time has come for twenty people who sort of know each other to gather together at a Mexican resort and day drink (until it’s time to nighttime drink) for three weeks solid. No one is safe from itchy sand, moldy beach beds, bold crabs, aggressive aqua fowl, and a tiny pocket person named Demi.

This season’s cast of characters is a cacophony of perfectly coiffed, well-groomed, white-teethed individuals who spent at least four paychecks on beachwear. Unless, of course, your name is Kenny. His decision to go commando the entire first day in Paradise proves that the “boy band business” is not thriving as it was in days of yore. Otherwise, the dude would have greeted his fellow cast members with a mid-body salute, laughed at the ridiculousness of it all, and then put on some pants.

The absence of Our Host Chris Harrison has forced producers to dig deep into the vault to scrounge up a few people who “owe them one.” Who would be willing to spend roughly thirty minutes chit-chatting with a brood of scantily clad horny people before sending them down the pebbled walkway into the waiting arms of other slightly sloshed, scantily clad horny people?

David Spade. That’s who.

David wasn’t all that bad. He has a quick wit. Believe it or not, I don’t think he was bored. His eyes have always looked that tired. What I find odd is Mr. Spade’s relevance. I would bet an entire bottle of Kelsey’s milk of magnesia that more than half the cast had no idea this guy was on Saturday Night Live in its golden years. My guess is that Mike Fleiss is a fanboy and has the spare change to toss David a few thousand to spend forty-eight hours in Paradise.

True Story: David Spade used to host the Hollywood Minute during the Weekend Update. I still remember to this day a poster of The Bodyguard movie popping up and David Spade singing, “And IIIIIIIIEEEEEEEIIIIIIII…want my money back.” Because YouTube is awesome, I was able to find that clip from 1993, and I have left it HERE for your viewing pleasure.

Continuing with the generosity, I’ve arranged the recap in a traditional first-week format to help you remember tidbits of information about each cast member. Since we only had introductions in episode 1, the men are in charge of handing out roses next week, which means the women are frantically trying to hook up with someone so they can continue their disgusting journey to find fake love. So grab your antibacterial hand sanitizer so we can wade through the debauchery together!

Aaron from Katie’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HIM: Aaron is the instigator. He likes to ruffle feathers and, rest assured, he will be poking the bear most of the season. When Aaron is not flirting with Tammy (Peter the Pilot’s season), he has his sights set on his boy James (Katie’s season), who arrives in Paradise wearing the same swim trunks as Aaron. #twinning

Abigail from Matt’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: Abigail is hearing impaired, but that doesn’t stop her from diving into the deep end of this experience with both feet. Unfortunately, her sweet, compassionate, lovely disposition will be shred to pieces in this cutthroat environment. Abby likes to move at a snail’s pace. This means by the time she decides who she’s vibing with, that person will have visited the boom-boom room with nine different ladies, resulting in Abs’ broken heart.

Side Note: Raise your hand if you considered making the word “vibe” a drinking game last night?

Brendan from Tayshia’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HIM: To quote my friend, Susan, “Why did Brendan show up in Paradise wearing my grandmother’s pajama top?” It’s a mystery, Susan. However, the odd wardrobe choice didn’t dissuade the entire female population from wagging their tongues in his direction. I’ve decided that Brendan’s Mykonos eyes have some mystical powers that render humans dumbstruck in his presence. Or he has wicked powerful pheromones which latch themselves onto ovaries and squeeze. He’s definitely Most Likely to Succeed this season.

Connor B. from Katie’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HIM: Connor B. did not dress up as a cat, but he did bring his guitar. He’s still a little nervous about making out with the ladies since Katie ridiculed his kissing game on national television. As luck would have it, Maurissa (allegedly from Peter the Pilot’s season, even though I have zero facial recognition) is willing to go on record that Connor B. has skills. I’m also looking forward to his hilarious antics. Here’s hoping a few others don’t take themselves too seriously!

Side Note 2: Why is he calling himself Connor B? Is it because he doesn’t want me to call him Connor the Cat? There is no other Connor on the beach. Or Conor, for that matter. Perhaps he hopes to develop a nickname, like Connor B Nasty or Connor B Cool? I still prefer Connor the Cat and will probably stick with it unless y’all come up with something infinitely better.

Deandra from Peter the Pilot’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: You don’t.

Ivan from Tayshia’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HIM: If Brendan is number one in Paradise rankings, Ivan is definitely close behind. I think it’s sweet that he wears a hair tie around his wrist in case one of the ladies needs it for later.

James from Katie’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HIM: James was quick to whip off his shirt upon his arrival in Paradise. He wanted to show Aaron how “arms and chest day” has been working out, thanks to the exercises Aaron shared back in New Mexico. Aaron approves.

Jessenia from Matt’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: How is Jessenia going to make it through an entire three weeks without wearing a pantsuit? It’s a good thing she already has Ivan to replace her signature look. I believe their make-out sesh in the grotto was a good distraction.

Joe from Becca’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HIM: Where, oh where do I begin? The last time we saw Joe the Grocer, he developed a relationship with Kendyl, the taxidermy girl. That crashed and burned after two years because they didn’t want the same things. Translation: Someone wanted to move, and the other one didn’t.

Joe is back in Paradise because he knows this process works. He’s also hella awkward. Some things never change.

He has his eye (along with everyone else) on Serena P. (Matt’s season) and finds that conversation with this lovely woman eerily reminds him of his ex-girlfriend. This sends Joe into a dark, mopey place. Just when he convinces himself that it’s time to leave the show, Serena seeks him out to offer wise counseling on why he should stay.

One of those reasons is Serena’s tongue down his throat.

Karl from Katie’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HIM: Everyone hates Karl, and they think he’s weird for wearing tennis shoes and a nice watch on the beach. The end.

Kelsey from Peter the Pilot’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: You may not remember Kelsey’s new nose. Or you may think you remember her, but you actually remember the other Victoria. Either way, Kels is the one who doesn’t know how to drink champagne. She also tells the world that she has a sweating problem and looks forward to keeping everything in place by using milk of magnesia under her foundation. There’s no word on how she plans to keep her self-tanner intact. I will report back once I hear.

Kelsey didn’t find a love connection in the first hour, and it’s clear that she’s really nervous about landing a rose. She will do anything to stay in Paradise. Her goal to not cry on the show is unlikely to be met.

Kenny from Tayshia’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HIM: Kenny was naked for the entire first day. All the praise hands to the Black Modesty Box that kept his bits and pieces from flashing the world. I’m not entirely sure what Kenny was trying to prove with his decision to free-ball it on the beach. I guess that he wants everyone to know that he’s forty and fabulous.

Is he the oldest contestant to ever grace the beaches of Paradise? Probably so. Will he convince Mari (from Matt’s season), who is fifteen years his junior, that they are MFEO? Without a doubt.

Mari from Matt’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: Don’t worry about this young twenty-something and the old naked guy. She’s dated men waaaaayyyyy older than him.

Should we be worried about Mari?

Maurissa from Peter the Pilot’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: If Maurissa hadn’t spent the better half of the episode trying to swallow Connor the Cat’s face, I wouldn’t recognize her. Full disclosure, I technically still don’t know who she is at this moment.

Natasha from Peter the Pilot’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: I think Natasha is a doll. She’s going to bring some humor to the show, as well. And I support her seeking out Brendan for one-on-one time.

Noah from Tayshia’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HIM: The verdict is still out if Noah is a jackwagon like he was on Tayshia’s season. The question remains: Was he a doorknob because of Bennett? Time will tell.

Noah makes a beeline for Abigail. I don’t think he introduced himself to anyone else upon arriving at the beach. He steals her away, which later lands him a coveted one-on-one date at another part of the resort. During this time, Abigail admits she often lets a guy sit in the Friend Zone for several months before moving a relationship along.

Noah will have none of that, missy. He encourages her to slam piñatas with him and then swoops her into his arm for a passionate kiss. They appear perfect for each other, which means it will end terribly.

Serena C. from Matt’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: I had no idea she was on this show!

Serena P. from Matt’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: Everyone wants Serena P. Ivan, Brendan, and a few others try to pee all over her when no one is looking. Somehow, she ends up on the beach bed with Joe the Grocer, laughing through his awkwardness like a champ. Spoiler: We do know Kendyl shows up later in the season. Will Joe leave Serena for his old flame? Or will he keep this shiny new toy?

Tahzjuan from Colton’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: Y’all, I love this girl. She is a sweater, and she owns it. The last time she was in Paradise, she had to leave due to the excessive heat. This year, she brought her fan and always has ice cubes on hand. Good for you, Tahz!

Tre (from Katie’s season) is all up in Tahz’s grill. Sadly, there’s a bit of a history there that includes Tahz dating Tre’s uncle. Let’s marinate in that sentence for a minute.

Tre isn’t sure he wants to dip his toe in this particular pool, and Tahz isn’t sure she wants to continue climbing around this particular family tree. In the end, they settle things by making out and agreeing that blood is not necessarily thicker than water. I’m rooting for these two crazy kids!

Tammy from Peter the Pilot’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: I can’t get a read on Tammy. Does she like Aaron? Or is she trying to secure a rose? By the time Tammy calls dibs on the guy, many of the other women have already paired up with others. Was this a desperate attempt to remain in Paradise?

She also thinks the old white comedian host is named Dave Chappelle. Bless it.

I’m anxiously waiting for Tammy to fight over something unnecessary in the near future. I imagine Wells will eat the last blueberry Chobani yogurt, and Tammy is going to lose her mind.

Tre from Katie’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HIM: Tre confesses that Tahz is the only one who he’s vibing with. DRINK!

Queen Victoria from Matt’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: Queen Victoria is blonde now. She’s also not a queen. You may call her Goddess Victoria. She’s going to find love, thanks to her crystals and golden tiara made from zip ties. She also believes that if you look a guy in the eyes and smile for five seconds, he will come to talk to you.

Goddess Victoria later learns that it is a myth.

Victoria P. from Peter the Pilot’s Season
WHY YOU REMEMBER HER: You think she’s Kelsey, but she’s not.

The next morning, Demi arrives ready to wreak havoc. According to the scenes from next week, she succeeds.

What did you think about Paradise? Who do you think is arriving on the beach in the next few weeks? Will Kenny put on pants? Will Brendan’s pheromones cause a commotion? Sound off in the comments section!