Bachelor in Paradise 2021 Recap: Vibing
Bachelor in Paradise Recap 2021 | Week 2
Four hours of Paradise per week seems like way too much time to allow these very pretty people to “open their hearts” to each other. Can I get an amen? Especially when all they do is drink, lift weights, and sleep all day long.
I’m looking at you, Joe the Grocer.
I do not believe in wasting your time, dear reader, and I promise to keep my recaps short and sweet. My mission, and I do choose to accept it, will be to water down all the nonsense into a handful of entertaining storylines you need to know.
Will I go into great detail about how Karl reenacted exciting scenes from Karate Kid on the beach, including the dramatic “SWEEP THE LEG” moment? No, I will not. Am I going to complain about ABC’s insistence on showing off their underwater camera technology by filming multiple crotch shots in the sea? Nope. Will I share the startling fact that, if a gun was held to my head, I could sketch Queen Victoria’s naked body thanks to the translucent dress she wore during the rose ceremony? Denied.
Am I going to divide my “Top 5 Things You Need To Know” recap into a Spotify playlist that I will build from each week? Duh.
“Bang Bang” by Jessie J., Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj
Demi is back with a date card, and she’s decided she will take over the beach and shock some people by dating some dudes. Anyone who gets in her way will have to answer her two-inch-long florescent yellow fingernails that she will use as a shiv.
The pocket person demands an audience with all the boys, who collectively deem her gorgeous. Demi doesn’t care who has already paired up. It’s been 24-hours, for heaven’s sake, so she’s going to take what she wants. And that person is Brendan. This makes Natasha wish horrible things on Demi.
Brendan and Demi ride around on jet skis, and all she can talk about is their sexual chemistry. She pets Brendan’s chest no more than six times before he finally realizes this is Demi’s way of playing hard to get. He leans in for a kiss, and she devours him.
Demi is elated that she’s got the sexiest man on the beach. Unfortunately, Brendan has to tell her that it’s still early, and he would like to explore other options. If their paths cross on this journey, great. If not, it wasn’t meant to be.
Frustrated that she is “cream of the damn crop,” Demi discovers what rejection feels like for the first time in her life, and she is pissed off. One might think that this reality breathes life into Natasha’s “relationship” with Brendan, but one might be wrong. Why? Rumor has it that Brendan likes Pieper from Matt James’ season, and they’ve been hanging out pre-Paradise.
WHAT? BACHELOR ALUMS HANG OUT TOGETHER OUTSIDE OF THE SHOW? THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION. (Please read that in a sarcastic font.)
In the worst game of telephone ever, word gets back to Brendan that his “relationship” with Pieper is out of the bag. Not only does he have to defend himself to Demi, but he has to go round two with Natasha afterward. Plus, all the girls wonder why Brendan would be in Paradise if he’s into Pieper. Why not just stay in the real world and explore those feelings?
Right. And the majority of these people aren’t expecting to get some sort of influencer or record deal out of this situation? Please.
We learn that Natasha and Brendan haven’t even made out yet by the end of the episode. Naturally, this confuses Natasha, to which I say, “Bless your heart.” Clearly, he is waiting for Pieper to waltz down the pebbled steps of Paradise into his turtleneck. Homeboy just needs a rose.
2. “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child
I take it back. If anyone’s heart should be blessed, it should be Victoria P. for her inability to remember the name, James. I’m not just talking about one brain fart during her confessionals. Victoria could not retrieve anything from the recesses of her mind on more than half a dozen occasions. The best part is when the producers wouldn’t help after the first time they corrected how much she was vibing with “Jordan.”
Words are hard, y’all.
Victoria is desperate for a rose, and James Jordan’s pickings are slim, thanks to everyone who paired up on night one. There’s Queen Victoria, Serena C. (who is determined to steal Aaron away from Tammy), Champagne Kelsey, and Demi of the ladies left.
But wait! A second game of telephone erupts on the beach, thanks to a tag-team effort from Tammy and Kelsey. Did you know that Victoria P. has a country music boyfriend, who she banged the Thursday before arriving in Paradise? (These are Tammy’s words, not mine.) As a person with an impeccable moral compass, Tammy feels it is her duty to tell Jordan James of Victoria’s manipulation. Then she sits back and watches the fireworks.
Jordan James asks Vic to join him on the big beach bed. When he doesn’t immediately lay down to sprawl alongside Vic’s body, she knows there is a disturbance in the force. In a very calm, non-threatening voice, Jordan James simply asks if Victoria has a musician boyfriend waiting for her in Nashville.
Victoria: “Can we take a deep breath? I feel like you’re coming at me.”
Jordan James: “I’m not upset. I just heard from Tammy and Kelsey that you have a boyfriend. Is that true?”
Well, of course, it’s not technically true. Sheesh. They broke up like an hour before her plane took off for Paradise. Her cowboy was sweet enough to encourage her to step into this environment with an open heart. Jordan James isn’t having it.
JJ: “You should have told me.”
Vic: “We are just getting to know one another. I don’t even know your last name!”
Lincee: “YOU DON’T KNOW HIS FIRST NAME!”
Victoria is spiraling and must take a minute to seek out Kelsey and Tammy, who are conveniently within hearing distance, to make sure they are still her friends. Tammy doesn’t care that Victoria is in a bit of a pickle. Friends call friends out on their bullsh*t.
Do you think that is a bumper sticker on Tammy’s car?
Victoria removes herself from the toxic duo, declaring she needs to set a healthy boundary. Then she cries in the jungle because her super sneaky plan to make it big time in Paradise to help her musician boyfriend become a star has been thwarted. There’s no way she’s getting Jordan James’ rose now, so she removes herself from the show, vowing to be a better person as a result of this 36-hour experience.
Demi zeros in on James, promising a romp in the boom boom room if he gives her his rose. Which he does. Meaning Kelsey, Queen Victoria, and Serena C. catch the same flight as David Spade, who has fulfilled his hosting duties. Buh bye.
3. “It’s Gonna Be Me” by NSYNC
Lance Bass is the new host, and I AM HERE FOR IT. Although I could do without the seafoam green hair, I appreciated his willingness to down a mimosa while getting the 4-1-1 on who is vibing who. He seems to know the players and understand the game.
The entire cast singing “It’s Gonna Be Me” made my heart happy in a way that I didn’t know I needed. I’m so glad the adults who raised these scantily clad people were wise enough to introduce their spawn to the vocal stylings of NSYNC at such an early age.
4. You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi
Thomas from Katie’s season arrives on the beach with a date card in hand and every dude from his season collectively moans in unison. Mixing his phrases, Jordan James wonders if Thomas is there for the “right reasons” instead of wondering if Thomas’ “heart is open” for new experiences. I want to take this time to point out that Jordan James’ hair is still plastic and unmoving.
Thomas takes every single girl aside to gauge her interest in a date. He also informs each one that he is tall, and they will have to help him remember to duck down before entering the beach beds with overhangs. Ugh. Why does this annoy me so much?
Thomas chooses Serena to join him for a fun-filled date, and Joe the Grocer folds in on himself, refusing to speak or interact with anyone who has a pulse, including wayward birds and irritating crabs. Joe reminds us that this exact thing happened to him last time with Kendyl when she went to “explore her options” with a guy named Leo, who posed shirtless for the covers of Harlequin romance novels.
Meanwhile, Thomas takes his shirt off in front of Serena on their date, and she’s all, “DAAAAAAMMMMMNNNNNNNN.” Was it his glorious muscles or the sonnet tattoo on his back? We may never know.
They ride around on a banana (not a euphemism) pulled by a boat and make out in the surf. During their picnic time, Serena casually mentions how the guys from Katie’s season have very specific feelings about Thomas. What gives?
Thomas goes into great detail, explaining every tiny little thing wrong with Tre, Aaron, Jordan James, Karl, and Connor. It’s clear from Serena’s face that she doesn’t like what she’s hearing.
Once they finally come back from their date, Serena makes her way over to Joe, who is being counseled by Wells through major quantities of tequila and asks him to join her on the beach bed. Joe wants her to rip the Band-Aid and put him out of his misery. If she’s found a connection with Tall Thomas, he’s going to swim back to the grocery store this very instant.
Serena tells Joe that she informed Thomas he needed to pursue other options. Also, because I know so many of you are curious, Joe is the better kisser.
For some unknown reason other than producer prompting, Karl snags Thomas and takes him over to Katie’s Krew. Thomas starts by telling the guys that he wants to eliminate the drama to all have a great time. He apologizes for everything he did during Katie’s season, including lying to Tre, taking James for granted, and being a general jackwagon to Aaron. He takes full responsibility. The boys would like to see some action behind those words, but all seems well.
Bachelor Nation has just witnessed the healthiest conversation in franchise history.
Then we see Serena telling everyone at the bar that Thomas said Tre was emotionally immature. All the good unravels. Tre and the rest of Katie’s Krew go back to hating Tall Thomas.
5. “This Kiss” by Faith Hill
Riley, the jacked-up attorney from Katie’s season, arrives on the beach, and Tahz can’t contain herself. She suffers a mild panic attack as she gushes to Wells, “RILEY IS HERE! HE IS THE ONLY ONE I WANTED TO SEE IN PARADISE.”
It sucks to be you, Tre.
Riley meets the ladies one-by-one. When speaking to Maurissa, whose face is bare and hair is a wild, curly, wonderful mess, Riley is bemused by the fact that Maurissa has “never been on a real date.” Even in the regular world, let alone Bachelor world.
When speaking to Tahz, he’s humored by her no-nonsense attitude toward his presence. She wants to meet him, date him, and be with him and him alone. The end. Riley compliments the tattoo between her boobs and then asks Maurissa out on his date. Tahz loses it.
Connor the Cat doesn’t seem fazed at first by Maurissa’s pending date with Riley. When she comes slinking down the beach looking entirely different from her casual beach look, he changes his mind.
Maurissa is wearing a cheetah-print swimsuit coverup with black booty shorts. There is no swimsuit top. Her hair is slicked back with a fierce ponytail. The earring hoops are large, and the fake lashes are long. True story: Riley doesn’t recognize her and is VERY happy to see the transformation. They head off to dinner.
Sadly, Lance Bass is forced to play a gross game with the couple. First, they must answer a series of personal questions. If they refuse, they have to take a bite of a chicken foot, cow’s tongue, or pig’s snout. I fast-forwarded for a myriad of reasons. One, the thought of eating that literally made me want to blow chunks. Two, I couldn’t hear the blush-inducing questions and not spend the rest of my life behind a couch cushion.
The good news is that Riley and Maurissa have intense chemistry. So much so that he presses her up against a wall in the alcove for a little alone time before they christen the boom boom room with their amours activities.
The bad news is that Connor the Cat writes music for his lady friend, who is currently tangled in the sheets with Riley. It’s an awkward soundtrack for Maurissa’s romp in the hay.
Note to editors: Do we really need the microphones on in the Den of Iniquity? I can do without the moaning and groaning, thankyouverymuch.