Bachelor in Paradise Recap 2021 | Week 3

I’m impressed by the drama that producers have created in just 24-hours of beach time. Not only did several couples consciously decide to un-vibe, but a few self-eliminated right out of Paradise! Add four new players to the game, and you’ve got Grade A hotmessery strewn all over the beach.

This is why we watch, people.

Just as I provided last week, I’m going to keep it tight with the “Top 5 Things You Need To Know” recap, accompanied by my super-nifty Spotify playlist. Enjoy!

“You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift

Two dudes arrive at the same time in the jungled pre-game area. Both are from Clare/Tayshia’s season. One is recognizable. The other is a guy named Chris. He’s very excited to join Chasen on a double date with two lovely ladies. Their exchange is awkward, sad, and full of at least eight “smoke show” references. Bless them both.

Chris and Chasen immediately seek out Jessenia and Deandra for their dates. This earns them major side-eye from Ivan and Karl. The ladies switch moldy beach beds and skittering crabs for a hipster Mexican lady who is all about flutes and the karma sutra. The guru invites both women to lay down side-by-side as the guys blow all over their skin.

When I say that skin was blown, I mean that literally. I imagine this provides all sorts of pleasure, including body temperature control on such a hot, muggy day in Paradise.

Moreover, the two pairs practice various sexual poses within close proximity of each other, Guru Flutemeister, and several people on Mike Fleiss’ payroll. No one finds any of this behavior odd.

When the ladies return to the beach, their previous vibing partners suspect trouble. Jessenia wastes no time breaking up with Ivan, claiming that he checks all of her boxes, excluding the primary point of attraction. The spark she feels with Chris is a supernova, compared to the flickering flame of the man sitting in front of her. Ivan respectfully relinquishes his feelings for Jessenia and heads over to the loser bonfire sing-along sponsored by Connor the Cat’s guitar.

Karl decides to buy his way into Deandra’s good graces by gifting her a Pandora charm bracelet he scored off of Facebook Marketplace. He attempts to weigh the moment with lavish compliments and terms of endearment, but pesky Chasen continues to try and steal Deandra away.

When Karl finally lets Deandra wander off with Chasen, he is furious to learn that Chasen has gifted his woman with a necklace. HOW DARE HE. What a one-upper.

Karl does not take this news lying down. He sykes himself up for a wicked karate fight, but Chasen refuses to stoop to Karl’s level. Instead, they verbally argue like fraternity brothers who are pissed that one just floated the keg hours into the date party.

Who will Deandra choose at the rose ceremony? Will it be Karl? Giver of jewelry loved by moms everywhere? The one she’s cared for and vibed with for three days? Or will it be that guy who just showed up and blew his hot, fajita-stained breath all over her collar bone?

The answer is neither. My girl Deandra rolls her eyes at Chasen and Karl, ignoring their immature bickering in lieu of sweet, innocent, deserves-to-be-there Ivan.

I may have stood up and clapped.

“Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem and Rihanna

In other bro news, Aaron is still mad at Thomas. Only this time, it’s technically not Thomas’ fault. Tammy chooses to drag Thomas over to the moldy day bed for a quick chat. Does it matter that Aaron is right there bro-ing it up with James Jordan and Tre? It certainly does not. How do I know? I think the clear and present use of the tongue that is a dead giveaway.

Or Tammy mounting Thomas. Either act sends a bold message.

Aaron is understandably confused and angry, yet he directs his hatred upward in Thomas’ face when equal rage should have been fired toward Tammy. He enters into verbal fisticuffs with Thomas, and the entire beach watches like it’s Real Housewives of Paradise. Then Tammy apologizes for opening up to other options and not discussing her plans with Aaron first.

Aaron can’t stand to be anywhere near Tammy, so he takes up residence at the bar with Wells. He’s placed all his eggs in Tammy’s basket, and now she’s run off with his arch-nemesis, without a care in the world. Who will give him a rose now? There are way too many available dudes to make the numbers work. Should he retire to the loser bonfire?

Enter Becca. As in Becca Kufrin, bachelorette from season forever ago. She’s single and ready to mingle, and everyone is awestruck by her awesomeness.

Suddenly the energy shifts, and EVERYONE takes the time to visit with Becca. Since she’s waltzing in right before a rose ceremony, she decides to go the safe route. She politely declines Connor’s one-man show he quickly wrote about the wonder that is Becca. She manages not to roll her eyes when Karl reads her palm. And she decides (after Deandra gives her rose to Ivan) that she will keep Aaron around since he’s funny, and the producers offered her an interview with Lance Bass on her podcast if she keeps Tammy’s ex on the beach.

Spoiler: Becca and Thomas go on a date together in an upcoming episode. Does this mean Tammy is going to get dumped? And will Aaron pity her and give Tammy a rose since the men have the power next week? We shall see!

“Mama’s Broken Heart” by Miranda Lambert

Mari, Mari, Mari. I’m not sure what she was thinking, but her actions are the definition of putting the cart before the horse. Or having her cake and eating it too. When Chasen takes her aside for a “who are you vibing with” chat, Mari decides to DTR with Kenny before Chasen and Chris choose their double date partners.

Big mistake. She essentially feels Kenny out wondering how he would feel if Chasen asked her out on the date. Hypothetically, of course. Would he care if she agreed to go?

Kenny is somewhat dumbfounded. Assuming he and Mari had a good thing going, Kenny respectfully asks if that’s what she wants to do. Mari quickly reminds Kenny that she is totally vibing with him but wants to keep her options open. What Kenny hears is that Mari is happy to keep things going the way they are going until someone better comes along who has fewer tattoos and birthdays. Therefore, Kenny thinks they are in an open relationship. Mari thinks they are still together but open to other relationships should the opportunity arise.

This makes Mari hella confused a few hours later when she spies Demi pawning all over Kenny on the moldy day bed.

Mistake #1: Mari having a DTR conversation with Kenny BEFORE getting a date with Chasen.
Mistake #2: Mari shares her conversation about Kenny in front of a group of women, including Demi.

Mari pulls Demi aside for a “WHAT THE HECK” consultation. Demi assures Mari that there are no hard feelings. This is how Paradise works. They exchange heated words before Mari seeks out Kenny. He has no idea why she is so angry with him since he’s doing exactly what she suggested. It’s not his fault Chasen didn’t ask her out.

To make matters worse, Demi “bakes” Kenny a birthday cake later that night and lures him upstairs to really celebrate with a piñata full of condoms. (Side note: Do you think this was the moment that the ABC Intern wished he had accepted that gig at Dancing with the Stars as Tyra Banks’ assistant?)

Demi treats Kenny to a night of hot passion in the boob-boom room while Mari seethes in front of the entire cast. She ends up confiscating the birthday cake and hauling it into the bonfire. Riley pouts, miffed that a perfectly tasty dessert is now burning before his eyes. Karl tries to reuse the cake to make s’mores. And Connor the Cat is inspired to pen a song, rhyming the words boom boom with pending doom.

At the rose ceremony, Demi manages to be both condescending and passive-aggressive when she bestows her rose to Kenny. Mari hands hers to Jordan James so he can continue his bromance with Aaron.

“Bare Necessities from The Jungle Book

Tia arrives! That’s right. I mean THAT, Tia. She is a hopeless romantic, even though her last boyfriend famously came out of the closet on his impressive social media platform, thanks to a little show we call The Bachelor. Tia is quick to get the 4-1-1 on all the couples and really hits it off with Kenny.

Joe has been around the block once or seven times and tells Kenny that he can see Tia and Kenny as a match. It makes sense. However, Joe advises Kenny to “get things figured out” with Demi before doing anything stupid. So Kenny sidles up next to Demi and has the EXACT same conversation Mari shared with him. Only this time, Demi tells Kenny that she would not be happy if he went off with Tia on a date.

The difference in this scenario is that Tia actually does ask Kenny on the date, and he is quick to accept. We see a few fractures in Demi’s outer shell. She’s hurt by his actions but would never admit defeat out loud. Instead, she opts for humor:

Demi: “The only thing worse than Tia’s gaydar is her denim shorts.”

She fully believes there’s no way Kenny will have more fun with Tia, of all people.

Not so fast. Not only is Tia funny and self-deprecating, but she’s also willing to participate in a topless volleyball game alongside the super buff, super nude Kenny. Let the record show that she will NOT be showing her china pot. That is sacred. Only thee ta-tas.

Was this naked volleyball the most random thing we’ve seen in Paradise? It’s definitely in the top five, I’d say. But it also advances Tia and Kenny’s “relationship” to a going commando level a few ticks below Demi. Although there wasn’t any hanky panky going on, seeing someone’s goodies definitely advances things along at a more rapid pace.

I did feel for Tia when she learns that Kenny and Demi had already visited the boom boom room. Knowing that sexual experiences are different for most women, Tia is now officially scared for her life, convinced that Demi is going to murder her in her sleep.

Demi is not good at hiding her crazy. Speaking of hiding, perhaps Wells should stow away the knife he uses to cut lime wedges. I think it’s best for everyone if we just do tequila shots until this settles down.

“Don’t Give Up On Me” by Andy Grammer

Just when you think the dumpster fire can’t get any bigger, another woman enters Paradise. She is stunningly fit. The men meerkat when she marches down the cobblestone path onto the sand. A sweet smile greets Ivan, Brendan, and Jordan James, followed by a curt, “Where’s Joe?”

Kendall has landed. She’s not over Joe, and she is willing to see if they can make things work again with a simple, “Hey Butthead. Can we talk?”

Joe is ready for this, right? He’ll stay strong, won’t he? Or is Serena headed for heartbreak with her beloved Joe Anthony Enter Last Name Here? I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen!

Here are a few other things you need to know from the episode:

• Taz and Tre both leave on their own accord. Tre decides that Taz is not that into him, so he peaces out. Taz can’t stand the heat, the constipation, or Maurissa’s body squished all up on Riley. She leaves with her purse in her suitcase and a stolen Aztec blanket as a souvenire.
• Natasha gives Brendan a massage. He thanks with a quick, eighth-grade, peck of a kiss. This is the first time their lips have touched. Although it’s weird for the rest of us, Natasha is excited they are moving in the right direction.
• We later learn from the promos that Pieper is on her way and will be busting up that union in no time. This puts Natasha in the danger zone since the men have power next week.
• Abigail and Noah broke up for reasons that continue to baffle me. I’m going to say she self-sabotaged. I have no idea if Noah was excited about this (due to his lack of eye contact during their conversation) or if he’s truly saddened to know that Abigail is “meh” about their situationship.
• Situationship is an actual word that I’m delighted to introduce into my everyday vocabulary. Along with concious un-vibing. Let’s make it happen, people!