Bachelor in Paradise Recap 2021 | Week 5

Let me just say that digesting two hours of Bachelor in Paradise is a treat. I appreciate that the producers have condensed the episode into edible chunks of drama. They packed so much into sixty minutes! People leaving left and right. Newbies showing up with their fresh faces. Ladies crying buckets of tears.

Did I know Blake at the beginning? Nope.
Was I sad for Tammy getting kicked off the island on her birthday? Sort of.
Could I have done without whipped cream sucked off a dirty, sandy toe? Always.

Bachelor in Paradise is back, my friends. We’ve cut the fat. We’ve separated the wheat from the chaff. And we’re left with the “Top 5 Things You Need To Know” recap, accompanied by my super-nifty Spotify playlist. Enjoy!!

“Better Together” by Jack Johnson

When we last left Paradise, a coup d’etat was forming, with the sole intention of outsing Brendan and Pieper. With Demi at the helm, she enlists The Godfather himself, Joe the Grocer, to lead his harem into the war zone known as the beach bed, where the lovebirds have sequestered themselves.

The Godfather had learned that Brendan didn’t “sort of” know Pieper before she showed up in Paradise. In fact, he had just learned that Brendan was WITH Pieper the day before he left for Paradise, and that is not okay. Brendan quickly reminds the ladies that he didn’t have a romantic connection with Natasha, so this shouldn’t matter.

Oh, but it does. Because this isn’t necessarily about Pieper, it’s about coming to the show with a girlfriend.

Pieper is big on making sure the group hears that she “didn’t know there was a rulebook.” I genuinely believe that Pieper thought it would be totally cool for her to show up and immediately hang out with Brendan. She hasn’t been hiding the fact that he is why she is here.

This does not help Brendan’s point.

Brendan removes himself and Pieper from the situation. Deandra asks if that means the beach bed? Or are they leaving Paradise? Brendan shouts that it’s none of her business, and he sulks off with Pieper, where they once again whisper stupid things into their very live microphones.

Pieper tells Brendan that she doesn’t need the show to gain followers. Brendan tells Pieper that there’s no way Natasha would still be around without him. Then he asks if she wants to leave. Pieper smacks Brendan in the chest and says, “I knew I shouldn’t have come here.”

Suddenly, Brendan shows up at the cocktail party with big sparkling eyes and a stunning smile, sharing with the cast that he and Pieper don’t find this environment conducive and they will be leaving on their own terms. Let the record show that Pieper looks P-I-S-S-E-D.

The Godfather makes Brendan kiss his pinkie ring before he escorts them to the rejection SUV.

“So Long, Farewell” from The Sound of Music

After what feels like an eternity, we finally have a very important cocktail party leading up to a significant rose ceremony. With nine guys holding roses, and fourteen women vying for those roses, basic math dictates that five of the ladies will be packing countless tiny little string bikinis and matching sarongs into overstuffed suitcases. The game is on, and it’s every female for herself.

The camera quickly flashes to Ivan kissing Kendall, and I gasp. Before I can formulate a thought, the next scene is James making out with Tia. I’m sorry, when did this all happen? Did I miss an episode? Are they in love? Do I care? What am I saying? Carry on!

Tammy uses her time wisely and immediately requests a private audience with Thomas. She is desperate for him to know that he is her best friend, and she wants nothing more than for them to leave the beach hand-in-hand, with one of those hands sporting a lovely, emerald-cut diamond from Uncle Neil. Once again, I find myself counting the weeks Tammy has known Thomas, wondering how long it takes for someone in Paradise to generate “BFF” status. By my calculations, that answer is three days.

Unfortunately, Thomas has already given Becca the BeFri part of his necklace, which means Tammy is out of luck. It’s a super big fat bummer that this bomb is dropped on her birthday, but she’ll get over it because the ABC Intern has a lovely chocolate cupcake for her in the rejection SUV. Hooray!

While Tammy breaks down in hysterical fits, consoled by Mari and Jessenia, Maurissa squirts canned whipped cream all over Riley’s toes and proceeds to lick it clean. The taste of billowy saccharine is lost among the wet, grittiness of dirty sand and marine animal excrement. This doesn’t seem to bother Maurissa in the least.

I, on the other hand, may have gagged and fast-forwarded my DVR.

The rose ceremony finally gets underway when Riley and Maurissa return from their romp in the boom-boom room. Wells bestows a freebie pity rose to Natasha, who accepts the gesture through sobbing tears. The male halves of the “power couples” hand out their roses. The remaining flowers go to Ivan/Kendall, James/Tia, Thomas/Becca, and Aaron/Chelsea.

Tammy, Demi, Deandra, and Jessenia trudge to the rejection SUVs, weeping at how life is unfair.

“Dancing Queen” by ABBA

There’s a new guy in town, and his name is Blake. No, not Katie’s Blake, but I can see why your mind would go there. This Blake is from Clare/Tayshia’s season, and we once fondly assigned him the moniker “High Hair Blake.” He’s a “male grooming artist,” and he’s ready to get his hands all over James’ coif.

But first, he’s going to get his hands all over Tia.

Lil Jon lets Blake and Tia borrow his dune buggy, and they joy ride through the jungle. Then they stop on the conversation bench to remind the audience how easy it is to have a normal conversation. It’s as if they’ve known each other forever.

Some people thought this union was forced and felt generic. “Some people” is Some Guy in Austin. I, on the other hand, thought Tia and Blake were hot and heavy as they made out under the outdoor shower. Plus, she’s always been attracted to tattoos. Exhibit C was when she offered the titillating details of how Blake made her vagina dance.

She’s also ovulating. How do I know this personal bit of news? She told me and all of Bachelor Nation.

This is what I would label “TOO MUCH INFORMATION,” but I’m an old lady now who doesn’t understand the ways of generations below my strata. I’m sure the young ones Snap about their ovulation schedules all the time. Perhaps that topic has its own highlight section on Instagram. I’m one-hundred-percent sure Tia has a TikTok dance about it.

Let’s get back on point. I think Blake and Tia are a good match. She’s certainly more attracted to him than James. Hopefully, Blake will rework James’ hair helmet and send him on his way with a nice swag bag of product.

“Dr. Feelgood” by Motlë Crüe

Natasha is the odd woman out, thanks to her pity rose, and she’s getting pretty tired of all the couples sticking their tongues down each other’s throats in front of her. NEVER FEAR, NATASHA!! The producers have something for you in the form of an anesthesiologist. Welcome Dr. Joe to the beach, everyone!

As “luck” would have it, Dr. Joe only has eyes for Natasha, and the entire beach erupts in applause when he decides to take our girl on his date. As they leave the group to get dress, we hear Dr. Joe inquire, “Where’s Brendan?”

Uh oh.

Naturally, the producers encourage Dr. Joe to ask Natasha about Brendan’s whereabouts repeatedly. Natasha deflects beautifully, but the good doctor will not be deterred. Finally, Natasha warns him that he will not like what she has to say due to the fact that Brendan has made her experience in Paradise a nightmare.

Color Dr. Joe intrigued.

We don’t hear many details, but it technically doesn’t matter. When Natasha point-blank asks if he knew Brendan saw Pieper, his entire demeanor changes. Dr. Joe puts two and two together and quickly realizes that his best friend is no longer on the show, and the reason is sitting across from him. We visibly see Dr. Joe shut down and distance himself from Natasha.

Natasha notices it, too.

In case you’re wondering, according to Bachelor Data, Natasha’s Instagram grew 359K last night, where Brendan lost 99K after the show aired. She has surpassed his followers by leaps and bounds. It will be interesting to see how he navigates this once Paradise has ended.

“L-O-V-E” by Nat King Cole

The episode ends with Serena declaring that she’s falling in love with Godfather Joe. He returns the sentiment, and they embrace in a passionate kiss right there on the public beach in front of the entire cast, which includes Joe’s former girlfriend.

Ivan is a great guy. He sees with his own eyes what’s happening as Kendall physically melts down by his side. Well, two can play at this game! Ivan leans in to make out with Kendall, and she shuts him down. DO NOT TOUCH HER. This isn’t the time, Ivan. Geez.

We see next week that Kendall weeps on Joe’s shoulder. Is she begging him back? Or letting out all the yuck she’s been carrying for the last 18-months? Will Joe take her back? Or propose to Serena when this deal is done?

We shall see next Tuesday!