Bachelor in Paradise 2021 Recap: Rose Hunting
Bachelor in Paradise Recap 2021 | Week 6
Bachelor in Paradise Recap | Week 6
We’re getting down to the nitty-gritty, dear reader. There are only three weeks left to celebrate the pending proposals of those who found love on the beaches of Bachelor in Paradise, and for some reason, ABC thinks we need THREE HOURS to start wrapping this mother up next Tuesday.
There’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. Like a looming tropical storm heading straight for us, we will have to hunker down and hang on until our pallet cleanse known as Michelle arrives in October.
Until then, please enjoy my “Top 5 Things You Need To Know” recap, accompanied by my super-nifty Spotify playlist.
“Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden
Lil’ Jon is ready to shake things up in Paradise. He introduces two new studs to the farm in the forms of Ed and Demar from Tayshia’s season. Once again, the individuals who have been stuck in the beach bubble for a month feel a sudden urge to sit a little straighter, wish for a fresh swipe of deodorant, and kick themselves for not brushing their teeth that morning. Everyone knows that Paradise quickly becomes hygiene optional once certain vibes have been achieved.
My point? Dewy faces and freshly oiled-up chests and abs bring out the insecurities in some people.
Ed is quick to pull Natasha aside and pretend that she is the reason he is visiting Paradise. I don’t know who in the production office is TEAM TASHA, but she certainly is benefitting from her Brendan burn. He quickly chooses her to join him on his double date with Demar.
Demar takes his time. He speaks to Maurissa first. I was quite shocked to learn that Demar is the ONE PERSON Maurissa has been waiting to arrive. Riley who? She thinks he is the totes and doesn’t have any problem telling him. Unfortunately, Demar chooses Chelsea as his date, and Maurissa is left to process these weird feelings.
Why was she so quick to jump on Demar’s train? Is it because Riley is boring? Is she self-sabotaging? Glamorous evening Maurissa decides to get to the bottom of her emotions and tells Riley that she needs more in the conversation department. So he breaks down crying, confessing that his father is the reason he is so guarded. He will try to do better.
That will work.
Maurissa and Riley admit that they are falling for each other, and all is well. They are officially boo’d up.
“Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison
Kendall has left the island on her own accord after learning that Joe is pretty much over her and all in with Serena. Was she so upset because of nostalgic memories flooding her senses? Did she jet because Joe and Serena were making out heavily in front of her? Could she not stand to be around her ex-boyfriend because he had clearly moved on?
Hard to tell. But we know that her sudden exit leaves Ivan, a man flying solo this week when the women have the power. Hence, Ivan begins to “rose hunt.”
Poor Aaron thought he dodged a major bullet when Chelsea returned from her date with Demar. She whispered to Aaron that she hoped the date ended early so she could hang out with him! Aaron is quite confident he and Chelsea are MFEO (at least for two more weeks) and has no problem when he spies Ivan whisking Chelsea 150-feet away to the gross, moldy beach bed.
His attitude changes when Ivan and Chelsea start KISSING right in front of him. Doh! How does this happen twice? First Tammy with Thomas. Now Chelsea? Aaron is not having it. He wants to know what his bro is doing, so he demands Ivan “come down here.”
Nope. Ivan refuses. Aaron repeats himself, shouting in front of the entire cocktail party. Ivan maintains his coveted position at the bar. Finally, Aaron gets in Ivan’s face, and they bro each other mere inches apart. And that’s when the show ends.
Who will throw a punch? Who will spit in the other’s face? And why isn’t Aaron ever mad at the girl in these scenarios? Tammy was dry humping Thomas, for heaven’s sake. And Chelsea had her tongue down Ivan’s throat. What gives?
“Spice Up Your Life” by Spice Girls
Sucking whipped cream off a toe is sooooooooo episode 5, y’all. The true way into a lover’s heart is taking body shots, substituting vodka for tacos.
That’s right. Mari and Kenny are human tacos and have zero qualms with their naked bodies covered in chicken, steak, guacamole, and queso. I’m glad this experience brought them closer to dropping an L-bomb. Because you don’t get spicy salsa near nether region orifices if love isn’t at least a mile marker in the distance.
“She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5
Okay, someone will have to weigh in on this nugget because I have no idea what’s happening. Neither does Blake. It seems Tia wants a partner to pursue her with more than words. For example, James paid the ABC Intern five bucks to paint the New York skyline and a stop sign on two pieces of driftwood. This production of elementary artwork floored Tia.
Does James make her vagina dance? Well, no. But he fingerpaints wood for her. That’s something.
On the other hand, Blake does make Tia’s vagina dance. Sadly, the only action he’s taken to proving his affection for Tia is by telling her that he is only in Paradise for her, and he can’t wait to get back to Nashville to see where this goes.
BUT SHE NEEDS MORE! Blake is game. He’s a simple man. He asks Tia, “What do you need, and I’ll do it?” Somehow, this angers her to the point of taking James in the corner to make out. Blake is confused. I’m confused. James is astounded. Tia is troubled. Tia’s vagina fails to produce a single eight count.
“The Tide is High” by Blondie
In a rare moment, we, the viewer, witness a behind-the-scenes pow-wow of great importance. It seems that a tropical storm is headed straight for Paradise, and producers need the beach dwellers to pack IMMEDIATELY so they can evacuate.
With the speed of decrepit turtles, the lovers meander toward their cabins. I believe three people ran over to the bar to get margaritas to go. For some odd reason, the showrunners segregated the men and women. This left all of our lovers paralyzed, wondering when they would see each other again.
Uh, aren’t you going inland to another hotel? Won’t you see that person in an hour for dinner? And why are you giving your luggage to the guy holding the boom mic? The one person holding the big metal stick in the lightning could actually die from this weather event. Have a little courtesy, Mari.
Now here’s the real question: Who will be kicked off the island next week? It seems that Natasha, Tia, and Chelsea hold the fate of six men in their hands. Let’s assume Ed and Natasha are a match, which means Dr. Joe is taking his ukulele home. Will Chelsea choose Aaron or Ivan? Does Tia choose James or Blake?
And why does Wells have a heart-to-heart with a very upset Ivan next week? Did someone break the rules? Inquiring minds want to know!