Bachelor in Paradise Recap 2021 | Week 7

It’s a hard day when the first forty-five minutes of Bachelor in Paradise is cut off, thanks to a September rainstorm. Luckily, my hilariously witty friend Susan stepped up to provide color commentary for the first entry of my recap. I will forever be in her debt and move forward with a touch of anxiety that she is way funnier than I am, and you will all jump ship should she ever decide to start her own Bachelor franchise blog.

Until then, please enjoy my “Top 5 Things You Need To Know” recap, accompanied by my super-nifty Spotify playlist. 

“One Way or Another” by Blondie
(Graciously provided by Susan)

When we last left Ivan and Aaron, they were nose-to-nose shouting at each other, which consisted of a lot of the words dawg, bro, bet, and one of them repeating “keep that same energy” over and over and over and over.  Remember that Pure Energy song? It’s now stuck in my head.

Aaron explains to Maurissa and his BFF James how Ivan lied to him when Ivan said he wasn’t trying to take someone’s rose and how it’s annoying because Aaron is legitimately trying to pursue Chelsea. Ivan is just questionable, bro. Furthering the game of Paradise Telephone, Thomas explains the situation to another group of islanders while Ivan pleads his case to Demar and Noah.

Aaron and Wingman James head down to the beach to huddle up with Ivan and a few other dudes to clear the air. Ivan claims Chelsea wanted to talk to him; cut to the flashback where Ivan initiates the conversation with Chelsea.

Ivan and Aaron do some yelling. The air isn’t clear. Riley gets involved because why is Aaron upset when Ivan said ten times that Chelsea wanted to talk to him? And why is Riley yelling? Because he wants to, bruh. 

Chelsea, who has been MIA, eventually shows up, wearing a long dress with a plunging neckline, joining the Riley/Ed plunging neckline competition. Cue the dramatic music as Natasha explains what’s happening and says, “When you pulled Ivan,” and Chelsea interrupts and says, “I didn’t pull Ivan!” Dun…dun…dun…

The girls stand there in shock. SHOCK, I tell you!! This is SHOCKING.

Ivan is a liar. Why would he lie? Why would he even lie??

Aaron and Chelsea talk on a day bed. Chelsea clarifies that Ivan pulled her. Aaron doesn’t seem surprised. Chelsea and Aaron agree it wasn’t fair that Aaron was ganged up on. Aaron goes in for the kiss. Then abruptly pulls away and says, “I need a drink.” Chelsea needs a shot. She’s going to get to the bottom of this! Chelsea goes to talk to Ivan. Ivan is suddenly hard of hearing and starts denying that he ever said that Chelsea pulled him. 

Meanwhile, Wells has something to deal with before the rose ceremony can start. Something happened last night while the contestants sheltered in place. Wells grabs Ivan as heads turn toward Noah, who was Ivan’s hotel roomie.  Noah denies knowledge of anything. Wells and Ivan cop a squat under some tiki umbrellas, and Papa Wells asks Ivan if there’s anything Ivan needs to tell him. I’m dying.

Someone (I can’t tell who, but I’m loving it!) polls the audience to find out if Ivan knocked on anyone’s door at the hotel last night. Denial all around.

Cut to Ivan and Wells. Ivan was feeling lost last night. Lost in Paradise. He had no connections and didn’t know where to go, so he spent time with Alexa at the hotel. Alexa was on Peter’s season of the Bachelor, and Ivan was hoping for her to come to the beach from the beginning. They’ve never met up before. So Ivan was excited to get to talk to her.

How did this happen? There was a phone in Ivan’s room. A PHONE. It was just there. The phone. A producer’s phone with names and room numbers. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

So they hung out on the balcony.  But, says Wells, do you understand the gravity of this situation? SHE’S NOT HERE YET!! 

Ivan admits he made a giant mistake. Love makes you do weird, crazy things.

Papa Wells says you need to gather everyone and come clean. Wells could do it for him, but the right thing to do is for Ivan to do it because that’s better for ratings.

Ivan comes clean. He apologizes to Chelsea and declares if Chelsea had offered her a rose, he would’ve turned it down because he wasn’t in the right headspace, which Chelsea realizes is complete BS. 

Now, this is interesting and touching. Riley and Ivan have a moment right before Ivan leaves. Riley tells Ivan he loves him and they are brothers, but he’s disappointed and that Ivan is better than this and should’ve been better than this. We have to be better than this. Cut to Riley in the talking head interview. He is disappointed and angry that he stuck his neck out for Ivan and got blindsided, finding out that Ivan was wrong.

Wells is carrying on with the rose ceremony. Along with the usual relationship couples, Natasha gives her rose to Ed, Chelsea gives hers to Aaron, and Tia gives hers to James. That leaves Dr. Joe, Demar, and Vagina-Dancing Blake on the first flight back home.

“Crazy Girl” by Eli Young Band

Just when you think no one else could show their face on this beach, out steps Crazy Anna from Matt James season. You may remember her as the one who insinuated that one of the other contestants may or may not have escorted wealthy men around Chicago to show them a good time. But, that was then, and this is now. Anna wants you to know that she has been in therapy, and she’s doing great.

Unfortunately, her pickings are pretty slim when she flashes her date card in front of the noses of three dudes who are, as we say on the beach, “locked down.” Did Anna think Thomas would just walk away from Becca this late in the game? She’s bachelor royalty, for heaven’s sake. And Kenny? Please. A priestess witch doctor had just cleansed his energy. There’s no way his chi would let him walk away from Mari.

As luck would have it, James is buff, coiffed, and willing to accompany Anna on her date. Tia who? He’s ready to ditch the bubble for a fun day of frivolity with this wide-smiled stranger! It’s too bad James’ date was a big, fat waste of time.

Raise your hand if you think coating your body in cinnamon and sugar before having an albino python plopped on your back for a “massage” sounds relaxing? And why is this resort all about making human people into edible items? First, it was a taco and now a churro? Could they not go to a nice dinner and get a regular massage with a person rubbing oil on their backs?

The good news is that James has finally scored his first date in Paradise. The bad news is that Tia is officially a single girl surrounded by lovey-dovey couples who can’t keep their hands and lips off of each other.

“All By Myself” by Celine Dion

If you thought Anna had it bad with her lack of romantic choices, Mykenna from Peter’s season might as well have been a homeless ghost. Of course, she pulled Thomas and Kenny to chat, and of course, neither of them was willing to go on a date. Thinking Aaron would do, Mykenna was pleased to hear that Aaron thought they had a good vibe. So you can imagine her utter surprise when after asking him to join her on a date, he declines, feining he’s not in a good headspace at the moment.

Aaron leaves Mykenna by the beach to cry her salty tears into the Gulf of Mexico. All of the other contestants stare down at the poor pitiful soul, chastising Aaron for being such a big, fat brute. He brushes them off, claiming Mykenna is fine. It’s Tia who loudly shouts, “Nope! She’s crying! She’s down there crying!”

I immediately think Tia or resident assistant Becca should scurry down to the surf and envelope the young one into a warm hug. I never expected Ed to feel the tug of guilt compel him to approach the sad girl and ask if he could join her on the date. It took a lot of convincing, but when Ed reminded Mykenna that she couldn’t get a flight out that night, having dinner in Mexico with a sweet guy didn’t seem so bad.

Everyone praises Ed for being such a delightful knight in shining armor. Everyone except Natasha, who, once again, is befuddled by this casts’ blatant celebration of unkind behavior. HOWEVER, how is Natasha supposed to get mad at Ed when he was clearly doing something nice? Still, it’s hard to think that Natasha is somehow in the same boat as she was weeks ago with Brendan.

Mykenna and Ed rollerblade around the hotel. That sounds dumb to some but freaking amazing to me. And let the record show that Ed earned the kiss he received at the end of this date. Mykenna seemed happy. Was it the four margaritas or the charming company? We may never know.

“We Are Young” by fun.

Summer is almost over, which means we need to have a Paradise Prom to put a nice, tidy bow around this season. The guys are quick to prompose the crap out of the moment, thanks to the producers forcing them to draw things in the sang, walk around nude, and pretending that they have immediate access to balloons and giant stuffed teddy bears. The girls L-O-V-E it.

The best part of Paradise Prom is that the theme is Totally 80s. As someone whose theme was “A Knight To Remember,” I can appreciate the ruffles, lace gloves, side ponytails, and blatant use of various colors that should not go together.

In an act of brilliance, the producers also give the men corsages to present to their significant others. This causes a bit of a problem for some since some dudes are quick to slap their tropical flowers on their woman’s wrists, while others hide the evidence in seat cushions.

I’m looking at you, Aaron.

Aaron is a punk. We all know this. While everyone is dancing to a band of waiters and waitresses singing Pat Benetar, Aaron snags Tia for some alone time. I’m one hundred percent confident they have never spoken to each other alone in the span of this entire show. This doesn’t stop Aaron from giving Tia his corsage and then sticking his tongue down her throat for ten minutes straight.

It’s the most action either of them has received since arriving on the beach.

Naturally, everyone is confused when they come back to the party, acting like prom king and queen. (Duh. They aren’t. That title goes to Grocery Store Joe and Serena.) Chelsea is particularly miffed when she spies the wilted roses on Tia’s wrist. What is happening? Is this payback for Chelsea kissing Ivan? Or is Aaron just being a Chach?

My guess is that it’s a combo of both.

“Un-Break My Heart” by Toni Braxton

Bless Abigail’s heart. I know this may be a smidge controversial, but I think Noah handled this situation incorrectly. Let me explain what I mean.

After confessing to Abigail that he is falling in love with her, Noah’s profession is met with a big fat silent beat of air, followed by the sound of crickets. That’s gotta sting. I get it. But he also knows that Abigail is notorious for needing time to process. We’ve been down this road once before at the beginning of the season. Noah should have given her a day to think and rethink before calling it quits.

Here’s where he loses me. When he’s talking to the camera, he tells the producers that he can’t imagine being with someone who can’t express their feelings back. He can only tell her so many times how much he feels without getting anything in return. I GET THAT.

However, when he pulls Abigail aside, he says something about not feeling “that thing” he needs to feel, and he’s upset that it never came. He genuinely cries tears of sadness. He doesn’t want to hurt her, but he doesn’t see them “getting there.”

Abigail is shocked. She hasn’t heard anything he told the producers (allegedly), so the last information she’s heard is that he’s falling in love with her. Noah uttered that phrase the day before! How could he love her and then all of a sudden profess that his feelings couldn’t get there?

Abigail has no choice but to call him a liar and hide in the bathroom. How horrifying is this news, considering that they were just nominated as most likely to live happily ever after?

I believe it’s over for these two crazy kids. And I think the others who have only been on one date are out, too. That leaves Mari and Kenny getting engaged, Joe and Serena getting engaged, Thomas and Becca potentially getting engaged, and Riley and Maurissa probably leaving the beach together.

What are your thoughts? Does Kendall crash Joe’s proposal? Do you think he uses the same speed as last time? Will Mari and Kenny make it? Sound off in the comments!