Bachelor Joey Recap | Season 28 | Episode 9

Don’t you just love those Golden Bachelor ladies? What a treat to have them fly all the way to Mexico to sit down and give (two of) our girls a pep talk about life, love, and other mysteries. I’m sure Susan, Sandra, and (not) Leslie thought long and hard about this delicate situation and how their words of wisdom would impact the young women sitting before them.

Susan to Rachel: “Have no fear!”
Sandra to Daisy: “Tell him what you’re feeling!”
Leslie to Kelsey: “Don’t get excited because he’s probably not going to pick you even if you think you’re a shoo-in!”

Bless all their hearts.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Valentine’s Day candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

RACHEL

Let me first say that Rachel is receiving one helluva bad edit on this episode. Not only is she monologuing about her third-place status in the race to win Joey’s heart, but home girl jumps off of what appears to be a janky homemade high dive platform in the middle of the Mexican jungle, only to pop up from under the surface unable to move her jaw.

Nothing slams on the brakes of a tender relationship like a trip to a hospital in a foreign country.

It technically doesn’t matter that Rachel can’t speak Spanish because her ability to communicate with her one true love has been hindered by the velocity with which she hurtled herself off scaffolding built in the 1980s, the scream that issued forth from her open mouth, and the impact of some sketchy water that resulted in wicked pain. Let’s not even think about the digestive distress she probably experienced four to six hours later in the comfort of her hospital floor bathroom. Poor Rachel!

PS: Could we not give Rachel the heads-up to wear a more sensible bathing suit? A semi-thong does not provide the hygienic care one might need when submerging over and over again in a body of stagnant water. I’m just saying.

Sweet Rachel doesn’t even get a dinner date since her mouth is practically wired shut. Yes, she’s feeling better physically, but emotionally, she’s very bothered that she ruined her date with Joey. Assuming that she’s even way more behind now than she was before her hometowns, Rachel takes Golden Susan’s advice and rips the metaphorical Band-Aid.

It’s hard for Rachel to let her guard down because her boyfriends have been cheaters in the past. The good news is that she’s trying really hard to NOT do that with Joey. The bad news is that she is one-hundred percent sure Joey is cheating on her.

WHICH IS A TRUE STATEMENT.

Of course, master communicator Joey tells Rachel that he is proud of her for opening up and letting him know what’s been eating away at her, other than the tapeworm currently setting up shop in her gut. Rachel’s revelation has given him the tools he needs to make her feel comfortable and safe.

We all start crying. Rachel more than anyone else. She’s tired, hurting, and slumps against the man of her dreams, letting every tear she’s held back exit her body. Truly. Five minutes go by as Joey patiently holds Rachel, waiting for the perfect time to pull out the forgo card and skeleton key from Hobby Lobby.

Joey and Rachel take in their fantasy suite and tell the audience they are ready to explore all sides of each other. After muttering, “That’s what she said,” I notice the scene quickly switches to the morning after, where we find Joey without hair products and Rachel in a piece of lacy black lingerie. Without gel in his curls or a robe on her body, Rachel walks Joey out onto the very public sidewalks of the resort and bids him adieu with a passionate kiss.

KELSEY

Like Kelsey’s hair in the humid elements of Tulum, Mexico, her infatuation is growing equally as big for Joey. And Joey is just as smitten. He adores this woman, especially when she tells him that she loves him every other hour. Their date frolicking alongside a yacht seemed fun and relaxing, but at the end of the day, Kelsey laid it all out there at dinner and told Joey that she is in this to the end. She’s in LOVE.

Then things take a slight turn when Kelsey mentions Golden Leslie and how she, too, thought she had it in the bag. You’d think Joey would help Kelsey feel a little better. However, his story is the EXACT SAME. Joey soon realizes that telling the woman with incredible hair that he was fearful of Charity dumping him on national TV is not the direction he would like this conversation to go. So he pivots and tells Kelsey he is falling in love with her.

Kelsey’s smile beams even bigger than the moment before at the news and at Joey producing the forgo card and skeleton key. They head to the fantasy suite, take a dip in the hot tub, and make out like their lives depend on it.

Cue the “next morning” sultry music and watch my face blush as Joey hoists Kelsey up onto the kitchen counter after feeding her breakfast. If I had to choose right this second who Joey would pick, Kelsey’s name would be on my ballot.

DAISY

Of course, producers put Daisy on an ATV with Joey. Let’s do better, people!

Once she can hear the man on her date, Daisy tells Joey that her hometown was amazing, and she finds herself missing him more and more. Joey says he can see a future with Daisy. That future includes a sexy outdoor shower make out session that had me hiding behind a couch cushion.

At dinner, Daisy admits to crying to Golden Sandra, whom she’s never met before, that she’s overthinking everything and has a desire to be in the moment. She loves that Joey is emotional available enough to let her feel her feelings. Thanks to him, she understands what she needs in a boyfriend and will forever be changed as a result.

Daisy’s going to be fine when Joey doesn’t pick her. Don’t worry about our girl.

Joey admits he wants someone to pick him for HIM, and not as the Bachelor. This makes Daisy’s heart melt and she professes her love for Joey the person. Joey the person then professes his love to Daisy the contestant. Daisy smiles and tells Joey that falling in love with him is fun. Daisy is ecstatic that she’s been chosen!

She’s also been chosen to go to the fantasy suite, but we don’t see much of their date because, at the exact same time, Kelsey has hit self-destruct mode and is slowly spiraling into a Leslie-induced panic.

Of course, Kelsey is worried about the other women. She’s in love and has every reason to believe that she’s the one at the end of this journey. On the other hand, Leslie was in the exact same position and ended up heartbroken in Mexico, talking to a version of her own self forty years ago, desperate to warn anyone with feelings that true love can only be found in a heart-shaped box of chocolates and ice cold Dr Pepper. Everyone knows this.

Producers convince Kelsey to go down to Joey’s room to have a talk. Resort cameras pick up Kelsey’s movement in front of Joey’s door, but he doesn’t answer when she knocks. Perhaps twenty people have this man’s itinerary and know that he is currently indisposed with Daisy at the time, but that doesn’t stop them from handing over a fresh sheet of resort stationery so Kelsey can write an ominous note to stick on his door.

Joey, we need to talk.

Worst sentence E-V-E-R. Nothing good can come out of it, but I’m sure Joey will make it all better in a matter of two minutes at the beginning of next week’s Women Tell All epsidoe.

What do you think? Who is going home? I know the editors want us to believe it is Rachel, but her edit was so bad that I think they are tricking us! My guess is Daisy is going home. What about you? Remember, NO SPOILERS!