Bachelor Nick: Fantasy Suites

Remember the days when we used to watch two crazy kids try to fall in love on a beach somewhere in Mexico as a reality show camera crew and an efficient intern followed them around? Our contestants wrote and read poetry to each other. They picnic’d in fields of green. Dinner conversation consisted of career dreams, family goals, and life aspirations.

Hot tubs were reserved for week eight. Boobs were never flashed. And what happened in the fantasy suite stayed in the fantasy suite so people like me could pretend that nothing other than talking was happening in the fantasy suite.

Suddenly, a guy named Nick comes along and announces during Women Tell All that he is confused why bachelorette Andi “made love” to him in the fantasy suite if she wasn’t planning on picking him at the end of his first tour during Bachelor Nation.

Can open. Worms everywhere.

Since that inquisitive moment, the show adopted a “NO RULES” policy that has crept closer and closer to Cinemax After Dark than in seasons of yore. We’ve seen (and heard) all sorts of stuff that makes me shake my head in confusion, sadness, and shock. It seems that the more black modesty boxes and bleeped out curse words, the better. Moreover, at the rate this show is going, it would behoove me to just sit behind my couch cushion from the very beginning of the show and remain there until Our Host Chris Harrison enters the room so I can get lost in his eyes for a moment, before returning back to the sanctuary of said cushion when he leaves.

I think we all know who to blame for Raven’s honest moment last night.

Because Mike Fleiss is an evil genius, he sends Andi back into Nick’s life wearing tight black leather pants so she can rub it in his face over a wine glass full of whiskey that being the bachelor/bachelorette is hard business when you are really, really, really digging more than one person’s chili.

Andi takes control of the moment and invites Nick to tell her all about his plight. He refrains from admitting that he’s still in love with her and instead sings the praises of the “four very smart, very strong-headed women” who are currently waiting for him on a cold rooftop in New York City.

Vanessa is in a beige bando dress with a black leather jacket, unfazed by the wintery chill. Rachel is in a green off-the-shoulder number with a borrowed coat from the makeup lady. Raven is in a crop-topped black sequins number that we barely see because homegirl came prepared in a sensible London Fog and Corinne, rocking a fresh weave, is wearing what looks like a fancy bathing suit with a rabbit shrug. All stand in a straight rose-receiving line and try to not catch pneumonia, while Nick puzzled through harem with his ex-girlfriend.

Nick: The last time you knocked on my door like this, you dumped me.
Andi: Oh yeah! I forgot about that!
Lincee: Don’t you talk about that exact moment on page 148 of your book?
Andi: You mean It’s Not Okay available in on Amazon and your local bookstore in paperback next week? You’re right!

Andi gives Nick fantasy suite advice and he tells her that he’s not going to propose just because he’s on this show. He may send all of them home! He apologizes for talking about his and Andi’s personal life on national TV, not because he didn’t believe what he said, but that it caused her enough pain to write a tell-all book. She tells him to not worry about what they had two years ago. Then she gives him permission to go ahead and get over her already.

Nick finally heads to the roof for the rose ceremony. After defrosting the ladies, he stands in front of some horrific fake fall foliage and hands flowers to Raven, Rachel, and Vanessa.

I did not see this coming. I totally thought Rachel was going home!

Corinne cries glittery tears in the military line before having her platinum vagine escorted to the rejection limo. Nick handles this tantrum exactly like he did when Bella was a toddler. He lets her process for a few minutes and then says good-bye. He isn’t sad at all. There’s no hint of even a Half-Mesnick. He practically skips back up to the roof to warn the ladies, “You think this is cold? Pack your thermal underwear because we are going to Finland!”

Back in the limo, Corinne crumples her face up as if she’s crying, but the tears are invisible. She complains about her heart and how she’s never going to kiss a boy again. As the rant rolls on, Corinne slides more and more into the horizontal position. By the end of the interview, she’s cradling a champagne flute in the crook of her arm and muttering something about Raquel and cheesy pasta.

Corinne will do well in Paradise.

In the next scene, we find Nick wandering the tundra as he waits for his first fantasy suite date to arrive. Raven bounds out of an SUV with the biggest snow toboggan on her head, complete with puffy ball. She and Nick take a ride in a helicopter as Raven’s voiceover explains that she has vowed to tell Nick how she really feels about him. She was too chicken to drop the L bomb in Hoxie, but this ain’t Hoxie. This is Finland. It’s the perfect place to fall in love.

Nick takes her to a pub where they throw darts and talk about domestic household chores. As her spray tan melts off her face, Raven reveals that this is a very big day and tonight is a very important night. Nick laughs and heads to the bar for another beer.

Raven tells the word that she’s only been with one man intimately and that she’s never experienced the Big O before.

I choked on my Dr Pepper.

Why? Why in the world is this information necessary? Why would you think telling that is a good idea? Could it be that she wants to exert more pain on her ex-boyfriend? Because his identity is certainly Google-able. And you can bet everyone in Hoxie knows exactly who he is. Was the stiletto beating not enough?

I’ve never talked to a person in the television more than I did last night. Raven, who I felt had a decent head on her shoulders this entire season, fell victim to muddy producing. Whether she did it by accident, malice, or being young and immature, I felt sorry for all parties involved.

Nick takes Raven to dinner. Their sweater game wasn’t necessarily on point. Raven kept messing with her off-the-shoulder Flashdance number and Nick kept scratching in his turtleneck.

Who wore it best #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/9qm2vn4QRU

— Candace Steele (@candacelsteele) February 28, 2017

I became concerned when Raven started pounding the wine. She was clearly nervous and it became apparent to me that she was about to say something that may make me abandon my cushion and crawl directly under the couch.

Raven tells Nick that she loves him and she knows it’s love because she never felt that way about her ex-boyfriend. Nick being the mature almost 40-year-old asks her if she feels comfortable saying it to a dude without hearing it back? Raven is totes cool with that.

Nick hands her the fantasy suite card. Raven barely reads it before saying that she would like to forgo her individual room and spend the night watching the Northern Lights with Nick. But he has to remember two things…

NONONONONONONONONONO.
DON’T SAY IT. DON’T SAY IT. DON’T SAY IT.
STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT.
INAPPROPRIATE. INAPPROPRIATE. INAPPROPRIATE.
HUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
YOURDADISWATCHING.YOURDADISWATCHING.YOURDADISWATCHING.

Raven: Number 1: I’ve only been with one man.
Nick: Today?
Raven: No. Ever.
Nick: Okay.
Raven: Number 2: I have never reached the peak of the mountain.
Nick: You mean you never experienced the summit?
Raven: Right. The pinnacle is a mystery to me.
Nick: You’re telling me you’ve never been to the vortex?
Raven: You are correct.
Nick: Challenge accepted.

I’m just going to leave it at that and let you discuss Bachelor Nick and Raven all the live long day in the comments section. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to do something about these hives…