Bachelor in Paradise: Season 4, Episode 2

When we last left Paradise, the entire island was shutting down. Terrified social media influencers panicked, wondering how they were going to fulfill sunglasses and swimwear contracts? What about the cameras? Who screwed this sweet deal up for the rest of us?

Have no fear, Harrison is here! And our host is going to explain everything in great detail.

But first, you have to sit through 107 minutes of Carly and Evan’s wedding. Buckle up.

A slew of Bachelor alums (excluding Carly’s brother) have gathered together in Mexico to watch Harrison officiate Carly and Evan tying the knot. Carly looks amazing, Evan cries and compliments his bride the entire ceremony, and ABC reminds us for the hundredth time that this show really does bring people together in holy matrimony.

Don’t believe us? Watch this two minute montage featuring:

• Bachelor Royalty Trista and Ryan
• Poetry Lovers Des and Chris
• Public Sonogram Fans Ashlee and JP
• Cutest Couple Alert Sean and Catherine
• Pending Parents Jade and Tanner
• We Almost Forgot About Them Jason and Molly

Kaitlyn and Fake Gosling are there, along with Nick and Vanessa who look completely broken up to me. No sign of JoJo, but Ashley I-Lashes, Jared, Cupcake, Wells, Tanner, and Juelia all toast the happy couple with shots of tequila afterwards

So does the topless woman (thank you Black Modesty Box) who played “Hot Cross Buns” on her recorder. The service was “them” and I truly hope they live happily ever after.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Chick-Fil-A drive through girl who obsessed with This Is Us and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

There’s no time to do the mental math to try and figure out if Carly was pregnant at her wedding. WE HAVE THINGS TO DISCUSS! Our Host gathers the children around his pedestal to have a very serious talk about what happened two weeks before.

He first reminds everyone that Warner Bros determined there was “no evidence of misconduct by cast on the set.”

Hare’s piercing blue eyes gaze around the group as he asks a general question: “Do you trust that conclusion?”

All nod their heads in agreement. Raven once again steps up as official spokesperson for Bachelor in Paradise Season 4, claiming that “we all knew nothing happened.” She is sad that the media blew it out of proportion.

Taylor decides to give Raven a run for her money, hoping she can one day be the president of this particular Student Council. She congratulates everyone, including the crew and producers, for coming together as a cohesive group. Her campaign manager Derek reiterates that under no circumstances do the producers tell them to do anything or force them to do anything. They are all responsible for themselves.

Everyone who has ever seen an episode of unReal is rolling his or her eyes right now.

Taylor wants everyone to know that she doesn’t drink at all. No one has ever forced her to. Derek tag-teams, concluding that every drink consumed on the island has been “ordered.”

Raven takes the ball back so she can debate about how it’s unfair how Corinne and DeMario were treated. Diggy chimes in, saddened by the fact that this will follow DeMario all the days of his life.

Harrison asks if anyone thinks that race was an issue. They all agree that it was. He also wonders why Corinne referred to herself as a victim if all of this was blown out of proportion? The group blames her lawyer for that, since the statement was vague. Then Harrison leads them through a discussion about how slut-shaming is not okay, which leads Raven to admitting that she was once sexually assaulted. Absolutely no one said anything, except Derek who gave her an obligatory squeeze on her shoulder.

Finally, Our Host walks the group through an exercise known as “the consent talk.” Although he didn’t pull out any training tapes from HR, or puppets, he did ask “How do you know when someone has given consent?”

Many mumble the words, “It’s verbal.” Amanda remains quiet. Dean lays down on the floor because he’s tired and just wants to get back to his cabana instead of listening to RA Harrison drone on and on.

Taylor takes the mic to talk about non-verbal cues. Ben Z adds that you need to keep asking for consent, even if consent was given before.

Harrison lets the boys and girls know he’s going to go around the circle and expects each islander to answer the following questions truthfully: Do you want to be here?

One-by-one the residents verbally answer in some form or fashion that they indeed want to be in Paradise with these other yahoos. They all sign consent forms in blood. Harrison glances at the team of compliance lawyers huddled in the corner. They give him the a-okay.

Welcome to Bachelor in Paradise Season 4.2 — After The Scandal!

The ladies are in control of the rose ceremony. Since it’s been two weeks since they last saw each other, the girls head in one direction, while the boys take the opposite route. This appears to be a theme we will more than likely revist throughout the season. We’re going to call it the “Danny and Sandy PowWow.”

Lacey is up first. She doesn’t know what to do with her rose. Neither does Sholphin. Nashville thinks she might give hers to Jack Stone, but she’s unsure. All eyes are on Raven when she vacillates between the good kisser Ben Z and Crest White Strip Robby. How will she choose?

Over on the boys side, Robby has a very respectful moment with Ben Z. He acknowledges that they are both out to woo the same girl. May the best man win. Cue the mature mic drop.

Meanwhile Amanda bemoans her promise to give Alex her date rose. He’s become low-grade annoying and she’s over it. Jasmine is still crushing Matt. And Dean went to Kentucky with Mother Russia during the break.

SAY WHAT?!?!

That’s right. Kristina took Dean home with her. For ten days. She feels “optimistic” about their relationship.

Speaking of relationships, Derek all but announced that he and Taylor were already in one. After almost crying that she was nervous no one on the island would like her, Taylor admits that she is blissfully happy with Derek.

Whose names didn’t come up? Iggy, Nick, and Vinny. Uh oh.

Later that day, Jasmine and Matt hang out by a beach boulder (true story) and she lets him know that he is totally getting her rose. Matt laughs, but he tells the camera that he wishes he didn’t pin himself down so early in the game. It doesn’t help that Jasmine praises him for being such a gentleman. If a girl asked him out on a date, there’s no way he would go!

Or is there? Time will tell.

Over by the pool, Alex is laying on the “charm” because he and Amanda are MFEO in his altered mind. He actually thinks they have a connection, even though every possible form of body language displays the contrary. She CLEARLY doesn’t like him and everyone knows it but the Marine. Nashville draws the short stick and is burdened with the task of letting him know that he’s suffocating his only shot at a rose. Stop swooping in. No more stalking. Take a risk by being normal.

Alex heads to the beach to talk it over with a group. Raven takes the bull by the horns and tells him to MOVE ON FROM AMANDA. She even encourages Alex to talk to other women. Alex agrees and walks straight over to the beach bed where Amanda is horizontal with three other dudes. He asks to steal her away and the woman doesn’t even hide her exasperation. Her head plops down on her arms, her eyes roll back into her head, her voice issues a serious “uuugggghhhh” sound, and all the boys giggle that her crush won’t give up.

Alex tells Amanda that there’s no reason for her to feel like he’s pressuring her. He’s staying neutrally cool.

Come on, Alex. You can’t say your neutrally cool. That totally negates the cool. Did Joey teach you nothing?

Side Note: Alex and Vinny pretending to be Amanda and Alex was horrible. And funny.

While all that nonsense is going on, Lacey begins her official meltdown bemoaning the fact that no one loves her, even though she is in power this week and is certainly not going home. She thinks Iggy is full of it. Diggy isn’t romantic. Alex is a “fun size candy bar.” All she wants is Damn Daniel! Why can’t he be on the island?!

Hey! ABC Intern! Douse Lacey with tons of ice water and make her drink some Gatorade. Clearly the girl is suffering from a heat stroke if her idea of forever love is Damn Daniel in his Canadian man panties.

Lacey is also upset that Taylor and Derek get the next date card. What about her???? They already know they are in love. What about the people who are still deciiiiiiiiding?????

Taylor and Derek celebrate their newfound love with a Day of the Dead themed dinner. Both were skeptical at first, but they are diving into this relationship one slow, lingering kiss at a time.

Did you hear that? It’s ABC booking the Hilton in Puerto Vallarta for this time next year.

Taylor doesn’t believe in true love. There’s no such thing as someone completely your puzzle. BE YOUR OWN PUZZLE, READERS! What you should be looking for, if you had any emotional intelligence at all, is someone who compliments your puzzle. Because puzzles right next to each other with skylines and clouds will always be more successful than rando pieces trying to fit into another scene. Also, something about a tree and moss.

Taylor needs to share her puzzle theory with Jasmine, because all she wants to do is fit her piece into Matt’s piece. That sounds grosser than I meant it to be. I apologize.

Jasmine teases Matt with an enticing proposition. She wants to ditch their mic packs so they can go galavanting around in the Mexican jungle. Matt wants to go to sleep. The decline to consent angers Jasmine, but not enough to choke his neck.

Now let’s talk Mother Russia and Dean. What once was a solid foundation built on Kentucky soil is beginning to erode. Kristina wonders where the spark went? Is he different around cameras or something?

Dean asks Kristian for some alone time. He just wants to gauge where her head is at. (On top of her neck.) He wants to figure this out before she gives out her rose. Kristina calmly asks how he is feeling? The problem is that Dean isn’t feeling good about anything. And he tells her that.

She responds with a quick, “okay” and heads to the bar where Wells embraces her with a hug only island bartenders can give, while Nick stands there like a drunk bump on a log. Wells breaks the tension by asking Kristina, “How do you say I rigged the election” in Russian?

He’s no Jorge, but that line slayed me!