Bachelor in Paradise recap: Episode 3

Counting your own abs can be complicated. Just ask Damn Daniel. Watching your arch nemesis swoop in with his megawatt smile and bronzed pectorals can be complicated too. Especially when he is frenching your girl all the livelong day. Just ask poor Nick.

Nick: It’s like we never went out. I’m surprised how they chose to approach announcing their relationship. Josh has been enjoying a steady diet of Amanda’s tongue.

Damn Daniel wants Nick to confront Josh so all the “twisted” people can enjoy the awkwardness. Had Lace not been all up in Grant’s grill at the time, I’m sure she would have high fived that suggestion.

When Nick refuses to pee on Amanda, Damn Daniel moves on to bigger and better things: Sarah. His pompous attitude intrigues her. He actually gets her to laugh when he proclaims that she will one day enjoy the title of being his woman. Damn Daniel explains that you have to be unique and special to understand him.

Unique and special is right.

Feeling that a solid foundation of self-confidence and pretentiousness has been established, Damn Daniel announces that no one will get in his way when it comes to Sarah.

Producers: SEND IN CHRISTIAN!

Sweet baby face Christian (from JoJo’s season) bounces down the stairs, bro hugs Vinny and Grant and calls a man meeting over on the beach bed. He has a date card to use, but he needs to gather some intel first. He wants to know if anyone has bunnied up with a partner yet? Nick and Damn Daniel are quick to sing the praises of all the lovelies, but it’s Josh who warns Christian that he and Amanda “have a good connection” and that “she’s not going anywhere.” Nick’s mouth literally drops open.

Christian understands. Josh + Amanda = TV Love. All Other Blondes + Christian = Fair Game.

Smiley Christian chooses Sarah to join him on his date. Damn Daniel takes to the sea to work out his feelings. And also to work out.

The next day, Carly decides that the mature thing to do is to tell E.D. that she just wants to be friends. She gathers the blondes together for moral support and reminds them how creepy it was when he groped her during the Guinness World Record date. She also reminds them how she puked and he still went in for a kiss. Carly receives an appropriate amount of, “SICK!” and “NO WAY!” to determine that her feelings are justified.

E.D., on the other hand, paints a beautiful picture for Vinny. He is stoked that he broke the record with the love of his life. Plus, he has the plaque to prove it. So cool. Just as he’s about to mime the actual 141-minute kiss, Carly asks if they can talk. She tells him he’s sweet, but she’s not romantically drawn to him. She just wants to be friends.

E.D. struggles with this news. I find it hard to believe that he’s never been thrust into the Friend Zone before, not to mention the fact that I have milk in the refrigerator that is older than his relationship with Carly. He lays down on his bed. There’s no nipple twisting going on today. He’s forlorn and wallowing in the fact that he will never find love. PS: He’s probably going home.

Across the island, Sarah is having fun with Christian. I believe we experience the franchise’s first jump and straddle (trademark pending) on a zip line! It truly is a historic season. Christian finds Sarah’s confidence sexy. I would have to agree. The girl with one arm zip lined and repelled down a cliff like a boss. Christian tries to make out with her a couple of times, but Sarah only gives him short pecks. This puzzled me. Is Sarah not feeling it with Christian?

Speaking of feelings, I had all sorts when a dude by the name of Brandon saunters up to Harrison with the swagger of a poor man’s Harrison. Our Host doesn’t know who he is and the cast thinks he’s someone from the crew.

This calls for a search from the IHGB archives! Here’s what I learned:

He’s awkward.

Meanwhile, Brandon convinces Des that he will hug her, squeeze her and call her George. He admits that he is head over heels in love and then pulls her in for an awkward kiss. She’s stunned. He’s confident.

He starred in the “Right Reasons” video with Des.

Let’s call a spade a spade, people. The group date was horrific. Absolutely horrific. My secret hope is that the entire hot mess was the brainchild of Chris Harrison. I like to think that he was sitting around at the last rose ceremony, Tweeting to his heart’s content, when an executive producer approached him, asking if he had any ideas for the first group date.

Harrison: Easy. Invite 14 guys to forgo their hair products, put them in embarrassing outfits that we promise are legit gangsta attire but are secretly cast off costumes from Magic Mike, and make them rap about the most ludicrous past contestants on the show. Off the top of my head, I’d recommend a d-bag country singer, the chach who tattooed his arm, the wrestler and Mesnick because there are balconies everywhere.

Executive: But none of us know how to rap.

Harrison: I have Soulja on speed dial. I can have him here in 24 hours. He owes me.

Soulja and Des greet the entourage in front of a mansion and tell them that they will be making a rap video. This seems to excite everyone. Soulja mentors four guys (Brandon, Ben, Michael and Mikey T) to be featured lyricists while the others attempt to hip hop in the background. Per Harrison’s suggestion, all are dressed in items found in the local community theater costume closet.

All learn the lyrics to a song called “Here for the Right Reasons” as Des raps in her bikini. Brandon uses the phrase “jiggle my junk” as ABC politely covers his nether regions with a modesty black box.

He mixes metaphors.

Later, pantless Brandon tells the camera that love is a butterfly. Again, my brain is distracted thinking about how Pat Benetar had it all wrong all these years. We are young. Heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demand. Love is a butterfly.

Carly fluffs her eyelashes and adjusts her chakra necklace. She’s totally vibing Brandon even though she’s never seen him before. When he announces that he was on Des’ season, Carly jumps at her fortunate luck — her brother was on Des’ season! She turns on the charm during her alone time, but it isn’t enough. He asks Twin to join him on his date.

Other Twin is super happy for Twin’s good fortune. So happy, in fact, that she gets drunk off of half a beer and cries until Amanda braids her hair like a child. She isn’t the only one crying. Nick has to hold in all the feels. Everywhere he turns, he seems to have a front row seat of Josh and Amanda making out. They manage to hold glasses of alcohol and remain horizontal while they suck face in every shot. Should I be horrified or impressed?

And why do they get all the couples together on the beach bed for a single shot of synchronized snogging? Put the dudes in acid-washed Z Cavariccis, the girls in navy units with red Keds, pump in a cloud of Liz Claiborne, Drakkar Noir and Aquanet, play a little Boyz II Men through some subwoofers and set the entire thing in my friend Julie’s rec room and you have a scene from a high school party I wasn’t invited to but totally heard about circa 1990.

Disclaimer: I went back and forth between Drakkar Noir and Cool Water. Did I make the right decision?

Damn Daniel steals Sarah away for some alone time on another beach bed down the way. The ABC Intern whips up some chocolate covered strawberries for this special event. Sarah thinks this is a thoughtful gesture, but she wants to make sure there’s more to Damn Daniel than his goofy side. Can he be serious?

Damn Daniel talks about respect and how he feels good when he’s with her because she sees him for who he is. Sarah loves that he’s pulling back his layers. She feels giddy. She follows that revelation up with, “This is weird.” Damn Daniel tells her that she’s the best girl on the island and will protect her from the Zika virus any way he can. My guess is that he would cover her in maple syrup. Sarah admits that she had fun with Christian, but she often thought that if she had come on the date with Damn Daniel, she would have REALLY had fun.

What the what?

Over in the tree house, Brandon walks up to the twins and greets them with the safe, “Hey Beautiful,” while looking in their general direction. Twin stands up in an emerald green cold shoulder romper. My distain for this particular piece of clothing is weakening. Dare I say I’ve become desensitized because the cold shoulder romper is so prevalent?

The twins decide to Parent Trap Brandon. As you may recall, Twins believe that if you can’t tell them apart, you will not be allowed to get together with them (yeah, yeah, yeah.) Twin eats dinner with Brandon and then excuses herself to go to the bathroom where she switches clothing with Other Twin. For a hot second, I thought Brandon would be able to tell them apart. I was wrong.

Brandon holds Other Twin’s hands in a death grip, viciously flirting with the idea of making out. Other Twin does a good job of creating an awkward atmosphere. She explains that she is a slower mover and likes kisses on the cheek. Twin watches from behind a bush. Will Brandon pass the test?

Then there’s E.D. Bless him. Home boy has pined enough over Carly. It’s time to go big or go home. E.D. pens an original date card to Amanda and when he reaches the “you deserve love” part of the sentence, a surge of ignorance confidence pulses through his body. True love is worth taking a risk. Even if it means Josh will punch you in the sternum for literally clearing your throat, forcing him to part lips from his woman during a heated make out sesh.

Thank goodness neither spilled their cocktails.