Bachelor in Paradise recap: Dolla, dolla bills y’all
Bachelor in Paradise Recap Season 3, Episode 1:
The thing I admire about Bachelor in Paradise is that it knows it’s a hot, sticky, bathe-in-antibacterial-soap mess. Here in Paradise, no one bothers to differentiate between The Twins, you find yourself agreeing and rooting for Nick Viall, Jorge makes sure the drinks flow freely and The Chad is kicked out by My Hero Chris Harrison the day after he arrives.
Clearly, these all the ingredients you need to find love. Just ask Jade and Tanner who, in case you forgot so they reminded us 17 times, are now a married couple as a result of this crazy social experiment.
Love is in the air. So is the faint smell of deli meat. Welcome to Paradise!
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I absolutely adore the opening montage with a ‘70s TV show vibe. It’s a little discerning that Michelle Money is nowhere to be found, but I have high hopes that she’ll turn up later in the season. At least we have Carly to act as the matriarch and resident one-liner.
Our Host Chris Harrison rocks a linen navy shirt like a boss. He smells of coconut oil, coconut rum and confidence. He makes me want to see a man about a boat. One-by-one, he introduces b-roll packages of a few islanders who have made the trip to hook-up with fellow Bachelor franchise alumni.
We learn that if you truly love The Twins from Peter Brady’s season, you’ll be able to tell them apart. It’s a good thing they packed the ABC black modesty box with them. I have a feeling that graphic is going to come in handy on multiple occasions this year.
Nick, our resident runner-up from both Andi and Kaitlyn’s seasons, has never been able to make it to Bachelor in Paradise, because he’s usually nursing wounds back in the Men Tell All studio when this thing is actually taping. He’s really into working out and is ready to meet someone who makes him a better version of himself. He thinks that person is Jubilee.
Jubilee is the military chick from Peter Brady’s season. After watching herself, she admits that she had a severe case of “resting b*tch face” and is working on a smile that’s between RBF and pageant girl. She’s looking forward to meeting Jared. Like every other girl there.
Lace, also from Peter’s season, wants you to know that she is NOT crazy. She is super thankful for her new perspective on life and her hair extensions, just like Damn Daniel is super thankful for his maple leaf Canadian-inspired banana hammock which apparently comes with its own spotlight. He’s ready to be a pterodactyl because they are one step above eagles. Don’t ask.
Remember Amanda from Peter Brady’s season? She was the mom who dressed her little girls in darling pink gladiator sandals on the beach? She’s the first to arrive wearing a blue cold shoulder caftan. She smiles as Nick approaches her on the beach. She thinks he’s smooth, but probably a heart breaker.
Jubilee comes down the stairs next in a romper she borrowed from JoJo. She and Amanda hug it out before Amanda introduces her to Nick. Suddenly, another figure waltzes down the stairs. Jubilee stage whispers, “It’s the penis guy! Quick! Someone go ask his name so I don’t have to call him the penis guy!” Amanda introduces herself to E.D. Evan and is happy to know she’s not the only parent in the group who left children with other responsible adults for a quick three-week romp in Paradise.
Barber Vinny and Carly are next on deck. They celebrate the fact that they both have birthdays in October. Score. I celebrate Vinny’s new hair style. Fireman Grant arrives in red board shorts and immediately ditches his shirt. All the other dudes ask him to stand over there where his abs are less distracting.
Hide your wife and belly button, because Damn Daniel, in knee-length jorts, is on the prowl. He thinks the female islanders are washed up street dogs and is disappointed with this season’s crop. The girls warn each other not to make eye contact with him or his maple leaf.
Sarah, from Sean’s season, is back in a Indian-themed toga dress. She deserves a guy just as much as the next person — who just so happens to be two people — The Twins have arrived! They participate in every Doublemint stereotype you can imagine. Damn Daniel invites the closest one down to the beach while the others watch. Damn Daniel high fives Twin when she spots a fish and Other Twin laughs. The Twins hate high fiving.
Izzy breaks the group’s concentration with her arrival. I have no idea where this woman came from. Is she a fan? Is she Jorge’s cousin? Luckily all the other Paradisers are just as confused as I am. After learning she was from Peter Brady’s season, I do a quick search. Here’s what I found from night one of Ben’s season:
Izzy
24
Graphic Designer
Branford, CT
Why you remember her: Izzy thought it would be a fun, quirky idea to wear a onesie to the cocktail party. She was wrong. She told Ben that she had to find if he was the onesie for her. She was not the onesie. Another onesie bites the dust. Bless her.
Status: No rose
Next up? Lace. The Twins are super excited to see her. She breezes in claiming that she’s not crazy and then makes poor Jorge fetch a specific brand of alcohol for her mixed drink. Grant thinks she’s loco. But also hot. I wonder which emotion will win that particular war? Jared arrives and all the girls swoon. Do you think he gets tired of the attention?
Suddenly, the earth shakes and the animals take cover in the trees and the sea. A parrot begins chirping, “He’s coming! He’s coming! He’s coming!”
The ABC Intern deserves a raise for training that bird. Truly.
Hurricane Chad lands on the beach and Damn Daniel is beside himself. Amanda is scared. Izzy thinks he’s beautiful. Nick and Jubilee are eager to see The Chad in his natural environment. Surely he’s not as jack waggony as ABC portrayed him on TV, right?
Chad heads to the bar to make friends with Jorge. Then he apologizes to E.D. Evan for being a total chach. E.D. is skeptical. Did someone crunch up a happy pill in Chad’s morning protein shake?
Chad and Damn Daniel bro it out in the ocean. They tweak each other’s nipples, discuss murdering various people, talk about banging chicks and fantasize what it would be like for each to bench press a twin. Heaven help us all.
Harrison gives the cast the 4-1-1 on how Bachelor in Paradise works. They are all there to find love, just like Jade and Tanner. They will go on dates, just like the regular season. There will be a rose ceremony and the power is going to shift from the ladies to the fellas each week. If you are not in a “relationship,” you will be going home. PS: The Twins are one person for all intents and purposes. Neither seem to have a problem with this clause.
Nick delivers Jubilee the first date card while she’s primping with the blondes in their tree house. She doesn’t hesitate — she wants Jared. This makes Twin mad. Carly is concerned. She doesn’t want another Ashley I-Lashes situation. Jubilee heads down to the pool to invite Mr. Popular on a date. He agrees and manages not to blush when she offers to towel dry him off. I’m sure he gets that all the time.
Meanwhile, Lace and The Chad have officially started their mating ritual. All eyes are on the couple as they verbally abuse each other in a “playful” way. She dumps her drink on him. He does the same to her. She hits him in the chest. He shoves her under water. She calls him a BLEEP. He calls her a BLEEP. You know, healthy relationship stuff.
The blondes and Nick take a seat just behind the hot tub so they can eavesdrop. Poor Izzy and Vinny are actually IN the hot tub with our volatile characters as they make out right there in front of them. We’re talking touching distance. Why they don’t relocate is questionable. Perhaps ABC made them stay because they needed more witnesses?
The banter escalates into “a situation” before we know it they are Alpha Male-ing each other. Both want the other to come. The name calling gets aggressive. Chad thinks Lace is crazy, but he likes it. She jump and straddles him in the water (trademark pending) and they go at it again. Lace wonders if anyone can hear them. Twin reminds her that all America can hear them.
Twin for the win.
The camera cuts to Jubilee and Jared’s date. I never thought I would say this, but Jubilee wears the shortest denim panties in existence. It’s like JoJo has been wearing granny panties this entire time. These things were almost non-existent! And they were all up in her biz. She pairs the tiny piece of material with a bright yellow cold shoulder blouse. Jared looks bored.
They have dinner in a forest of piñatas. Jubs tells him that he’s super dreamy and all she’s heard from post-stalking conversations is that he’s the nicest guy in town. She likes that he’s a nerd, because she’s a nerd too. They talk about Lord of the Rings and Middle Earth before a creepy clown scares them both to death. Jubilee screams and Jared hops up to run and hide behind the former soldier.
Come on, Jared. Is that what Legolas would do? Defend your woman from the creepy clown!
Back in Paradise, we find Lace punching Chad in the nuts. Things have turned volatile. Nick and the girls watch as if this is the Real Housewives of Mexico. Lace announces that she…is…done. She wants Chad out of her face. He shoves her on his way to the bar. Damn Daniel asks his friend to take it down a notch. Would would Mussolini do? Chad grabs another cocktail and then follows Lace so they can argue some more.
Sarah steps in and releases all the feels. She calls him an aggressive drunk and demands that he stop being derogatory to women. He responds by making fun of her one arm. The watching party leaves him alone to rip up a piece of paper (I’m thinking restraining order?). E.D. Evan pokes the bear and almost gets his head knocked off.
Damn Daniel gives it another go. He encourages Chad not to tell people he’s going to murder them in their sleep. Also, maybe stop saying inappropriate things. PS: The girls hate him. He has a better chance making out with a turtle than anyone on the island. Chad swings at Daniel and he easily moves out of the way. Daniel lets us know that he would punch a friend if he had to, but it would be too easy to know Chad out now. Let him be a drunk poet. Dolla, dolla bills, y’all.
Chad passes out on the ground. He soils himself. Sebastian the Crab wanders over to make sure he’s still breathing. He wakes up the next day without any underwear on. We praise the good Lord for the black modesty box. He finds something to wear and gives a little spritz of Axe Body Spray in the downstairs region. Fresh as a daisy.
Harrison summons everyone into the living room tree house. He calls Chad out for being a jack wagon the night before. Sarah presents her defense and Chad shuts her down with the inevitable, “I was attacked. What did you expect me to do?”
Nick jumps in to offer a little advice: Threatening to murder people in their sleep isn’t funny.
HARE: In one night, you’ve turned this place from Paradise into hell. I saw what you said to Sarah and what you did to Lace. You’ve been belligerent to the staff of this hotel. It’s time to leave.
Chad: What are you talking about? I didn’t do any of that.
ROLL THE TAPE!
Harrison asks Chad to leave again. He pretends to not understand what’s going on and plays the victim. Harrison drops an “I’m dead serious” and Chad heaves himself off the couch, irritated that he’s being kicked off for a few jokes. He breaks his mic pack on the ground, removes his flip flips and has a conversation with several crabs. Then he freaks out because he knows the show is going to portray him as a villain.
Our Host just stands there, allowing this dill hole to rant. Then Chad accuses Harrison of laying around in his bathrobe, drinking mimosas a thousand miles away in a swanky hotel before screaming, “EFF YOU CHRIS HARRISON.”
Oh no you didn’t.
The screen blacks out with a “TO BE CONTINUED” slide.
Here’s hoping Harrison rips Chad a new one next week. I’d pay money to see that. Big dolla, dolla bills, y’all.
I didn’t know Damn Daniel was such a tool–and I’m talking about his first “thoughts” about the women there. Chad did NOT disappoint and I found it more of a karmic thing than anything that he pooped his pants. I’m still laughing about it.
Awesome re-cap of this train wreck called Chad from last night. My fav lines…He wakes up the next day without any underwear on. We praise the good Lord for the black modesty box. He finds something to wear and gives a little spritz of Axe Body Spray in the downstairs region. Fresh as a daisy.
Thanks for making me laugh!
There’s no way that could have smelled any better. Poop mixed with Axe, I don’t think that’s the flavor the company was going for.
The new flavor/scent would be called “shitrus.”
This is the best. That scent title gets a snort laugh.
Very funny
Val wins the internet!!!!!!
thanks for making me snort my coffee!
After a boring and unwatchable Bachelorette season, Bachelor in Paradise is a breath of fresh air!
Grant had said something like “I feel sorry for the guy who ends up with her” when he first met Lace. Let’s all remember that when they’re inevitably in luuuuuv the minute Chad leaves.
Jubilee and Jared are adorable together, but it’s SOOOO cringey that they called Aragorn “Eragon” fifty times in sixty seconds. X_X The clown was equally cringey.
I couldn’t stand Nick on Andi or Kaitlyn’s seasons because he just seemed to have a stick up his bum and he took himself WAY too seriously. Apparently they edited out his sense of humor, because his Twitter is actually funny. He’s redeemed himself completely on night one in Paradise and I’m excited to watch him this time around.
If they don’t bring Brooks back for Sarah I’m going to be mad. I still HATE that she stuck with boring Robert in Season 1 over taking a chance on her crush.
Daniel is gross. Like, really gross. But he has some really funny and bizarre analogies/jokes/one liners.
“They have dinner in a forest of piñatas.” LOL 😛
Great recap!!!!
I am glad I am not the only one who noticed the “Eragon” instead of Aragorn thing. Am I the only one who isn’t buying this whole “I am a nerd” thing from Jubilee? I’m sorry, I just don’t see it. Stop pretending you love Aragorn, think Pikachu are adorable, and prefer David Tennant to Matt Smith just so you can inpress a guy… :/ He WILL eventually realize you don’t know the difference between Kirk and Picard.
Yesssss that is one of my biggest pet peeves. “AragoRn.” Not that complicated!!
The debacle between Chad and Lace was painful to watch. Just goes to show that women can be abusive too. It’s not right either way. No one in their right mind will want Chad. As for Daniel, what a tool. Maple trees are pretty sturdy, but that leaf didn’t have much of a twig to rest upon. He’s just ugly.
There should have been some acknowledgement that Lace egged Chad on most of the night, but then he proceeded to be a menace to everyone…not just Lace who was being very aggressive to Chad. That little detail slipped everyone’s mind in the morning. Chad still needed to go and is very boring.
Why do the twins hold hands all of the time? This is cute when you’re four…… not in your 20’s… these girls are weird and need to separate — move away from each other … be two different peeps – not one…. #creepy….. oh, and Chad’s a psycho
They are so young too. It has to feel like hanging around teenagers, even to the 27 and 28 year olds. Carly must feel like their mother at her super old age of 30.
Totally agree!
I went to high school with twins that acted the same way, well into their post college years. It’s all about the attention. They think they’re simply amazing because they’re blonde twins, and they love to play that up to anyone watching. Hence the holding hands and general all around idiocy.
Lincee, I’m dying over the paragraph “Chad passes out on the ground. He soils himself. Sebastian the Crab wanders over to make sure he’s still breathing. He wakes up the next day without any underwear on. We praise the good Lord for the black modesty box. He finds something to wear and gives a little spritz of Axe Body Spray in the downstairs region. Fresh as a daisy.” It’s so perfect. And really…how dare insult OHCH? Who does this chach think he is?
I laughed so hard at this paragraph!
Totally premium Lincee best maybe ever quote. I retch now at the expression “fresh as a daisy” for the image it conjures. The thought is eclipsed by the poor interns trying to freshen the daisy and put the daisy to bed. That deserves The Best Golden Latex Glove Award in Paradise as a Lifetime Achievement. Whoever you are, I salute you. Bravery in the full daisy of The Chad. If you do not get the job with major pay, please write a tell all book, Heroic Intern.
A beautiful recap, Lincee. Just beautiful. Accurate. Loved it. And I loved the show last night. After yawning through an entire season of JoJo and her Hope-I-Get-Famous boyfriends, Bachelor in Paradise is the true summer trashy entertainment I’ve been needing. Chad is obviously a sociopath who’s mother was ashamed of him (yes, I know she passed away — sad, of course, but good thing she didn’t have to witness her child behaving like this in front of the world). But that poor Lace…girl needs intensive therapy and an AA counselor. That she stood up to Chad eventually doesn’t negate what she participated in with him earlier. Whatever personal work she’s done on herself since Ben’s season, it’s not enough. And let’s please hope that Sarah and Carly make this the last Paradise. C’mon, ladies. Let’s have some pride.
One more thought about Chad: He strikes me as the type of guy who wouldn’t think twice about sexually assaulting someone (male or female) and claim that it’s “initiation.” He’s a drunk frat guy bully x 1000. Not right in the head. I’m not sure whether I support ABC in exposing this guy for the rabid animal he is, or whether I hate that they’ve given him so much exposure (and, likely, financial compensation). A commenter below said no one will ever want Chad after seeing this. Unfortunately that’s not true. There are a bunch of women out there with no self-esteem who think Chad is a desirable alpha male. (Hey, Lace did for a while and would probably go back with a few drinks in her. ) Better to be alone than with THAT, and wind up as a story on Dateline someday. OK, rant over.
Ya….what if Lace didn’t have the entire cast and crew there? What if that was at her door at the end of the night?
“**** you Chris Harrison! **** you with your silk sheets and your Bose headphones and your Mo\u00ebt Chandon!”
LOL!
We need a like button!
Do we think it was alright for ABC to stand back and allow Lace and Chad to abuse each other all afternoon/evening? I actually felt uncomfortable, and not in a good way. It was not helped when Lace pretended the next day that she hadn’t done anything wrong, and that Chad was the only psychopath in the house. Those two both have some work to do, but I think it’s worse that Lace claims she’s actually done the work. Hire a new therapist, Lace.
Great recap as always, Lincee!! Always my favorite part of Day-After-Bach!
No it was not ok. Why was Chad there? It was almost like a date rape scene . Lace should have been removed too.
Where can I meet a girl just like Carly? My goodness, she’s adorable.
At a resort in Mexico in August! Something tells me she’ll be back next year! Good luck!
Love her personality and I know they like her interviews, she’s funny. But the two tone hair just turns me off. Can’t imagine why she didn’t just go for a pretty blond highlights hairdo??
“Fresh as a daisy.” –HAH! A few thoughts on last night’s episode:
-the fake eyelashes are getting beyond out of control. if they look that prevalent on tv, i can only imagine how insane they look in person.
-how did izzy even get ON this show? it’s not like the public became enamored with her or she did anything crazy or bad. like, i would love the know the producers’ thoughts as to inviting her on this weird adventure. i did not care for her this first night for some reason.
-i am kind of loving daniel…not in a romantic way, but he is an entertaining little weirdo. he is kind of hilarious with his commentary, but i don’t even think he means to be
-carly: after being in the public eye for quite some time now, why hasn’t she tweaked her styling? still rocking the terribly-dyed half-blonde hair, the crazy full-face of heavy make-up, and eyelashes that are getting beyond out of control. i like her, but she looks a little crazy.
-while chad has issues, i did find myself feeling sliiiiiiightly bad for him. they invited him back, knowing full and well that they wanted him back to play the villain (and no doubt sold it to him that way), then he plays the villain, says some mean stuff (as we expected), and they kick him off the show. and frankly, lace was almost just as bad. so, i did feel that kicking him off without a “warning” was kind of crappy. it was sad (and a little pathetic, but still sad) when he yelled, “i don’t have anything else in my life, chris! what am i supposed to do now?” it’s like in that moment, i really saw through the crappy jerk exterior and saw a vulnerable, sad guy trying to figure out his life and take what he can. not justifying his behavior, but i think there is a human inside of him, and i think he was embarrassed about coming back onto the show and then getting kicked off.
The part about not having anything else in his life made me sad, too. I told my husband that ABC should help get Chad therapy.
Very sad I agree. I read he has a sister….where is she?….what does she think I wonder…I really think deep down he wants what most of us want…..a loving partner to share life with. Don’t get me wrong….his other behavior totally skeeves me out but I feel very sorry for him. I think Lace was kind of a jerk totally one uping him on his bad behavior until she decided she didn’t want someone to call her crazy again. As someone who struggled with alcohol in the past I firmly believe that Lace has a very high tolerance to alcohol and when Chad was getting completely smashed she was just flying high and letting HER “NORMAL” behavior fly free! It’s possible Chad was so drunk that he blacked out and “literally” has no idea of what he did or said……I think he only said some smart alec response to saying rude things is because it triggered a “vague” memory………Truly a sad situation all around.
If you think Chad wants a loving partner to spend life with, go read his dating profile on Reality Steve’s website (he posted it during Jojo’s season so you should be safe from spoilers now.) It’s absolutely apalling what he “requires” from women.
He needs mental help, but he doesn’t deserve our pity.
Lace, however, I’m a little more concerned about.
Ummmmm, I never said he was an angel……and I’m sure some of the horrible things he said he was trying to get a reaction. Different people lash out in different ways…..also people try to ask for help in different ways! IE: displaying bad behavior. I think maybe I might have been misunderstood. I was simply conveying that Chad needs a lot of help and therapy, obviously, as does Lace. I was just expressing MY OPINION that it was very sad.
When Chad said he didn’t have anything else in his life, it reminded me of that scene from An Officer and a Gentleman when Richard Gere broke down. It made me sad to hear that (even though Chad’s behavior was beyond horrible), because it did sound like, at that moment, he was in deep emotional pain. I agree that ABC should get him some help, and I couldn’t help but feel very uncomfortable with the way the whole episode played out last night.
I felt the same way. He is so messed up and ABC is putting him on display which is no longer funny.
and obviously ABC didn’t learn their lesson because they had him on ATFR show.
Chad could have easily made something better of this opportunity. I’m sure nobody put a gun to his head and told him to be a villain. I think given his violent behavior, kicking him off was well called for. I think Lace should have been kicked off too. Better yet, they really shouldn’t have been invited in the first place. They lack a basic level of self-control, which might make for good TV, but in the human world it’s genuinely concerning. They are both people inside, with pretty heavy issues they need to work on, and it’s unethical to put them in this messy public situation. I’m honestly very concerned for both of them.
Exactly! There are people in the world who have been thru way worse in life and don’t react and treat others the way Chad does. Trying to pawn off his appalling behavior as a “joke” was juvenile and who on earth thinks insulting a woman with a disability is ok??? Stop making excuses for him .And as for his ” I have nothing else”- that’s total crap. Were we all not subjected to his constant reminders that he has money and is rich. He was a relator! So go back to selling houses or whatever. Although any woman that sees him walking her way in any capacity is a fool if she doesn’t run screaming the other way.
He could easily spiral out of control at any moment.
But you gotta admit, Carly’s eyebrows are at least looking better this time around!
Absolutely!!!!! I do like Carly, love her commentary 🙂
Hey Abby, at least Carly tamed those eyebrows a little. Last year I could NOT take my eyes off of them. haha
Fresh as a daisy :D:D:D
I’m impressed at how this turned into a disaster in one little episode!
All jokes aside, they really need to stop bringing back Chad. He clearly has some serious issues, and he’s potentially ruining his life with this show. Lace too. The Chad-Lace mutual abuse in the tub was pretty messed up. This is how domestic violence starts, and there is nothing funny about it. I hope they both play this back and see how messed up it truly is.
On the bright side, I’m enjoying Daniel’s crazy one-liners… also rooting for Carly, Nick, and Jared. 3rd time’s the charm?
I have never watched an episode of The Bachelor series (or any of the spinoffs) but I DO love to read the recaps people write. You are hilarious!!! Now, if only I knew WHAT the people looked like — I just read the names and I know what Jo Jo and Jordan look like because, hello, PEOPLE magazine is everywhere. 🙂
Stacy, just type up the name of the shows and go to the ABC link with the shows name tag the entire cast are featured and named. This way you can relate to the characters in the recaps.
If you’re going to watch anything in this franchise, Bachelor in Paradise is the one you HAVE to see. Highly recommend.
I have never understood a phobia about clowns. Until now! Creepy just does not capture the x rated weirdness of say what was that bizarro. I thought a lovely, sunny Jubs enjoying a sweet moment of nerd bonding with sexy Jared was truly delightful. I am thinking Jubs is so likeable and how can Jared resist her beauty and class. Then the producers Send in the Clown and ruin it. Jeesh. Even a hard core, battle hardened Jubillee screams in terror. And then that creep clown goes full pervert. Please ABC. No more.
You are right about the creepy clown perversity. I found the clowns hip thrusting super tacky and offensive. Very low-brow and distasteful. It ruined the date and my dinner.
Can we agree….that was one of the worst date setups in a long time?