‘Bachelor Paradise’ recap: YOPO is not going to happen

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor Paradise

Brutal and sad. These are the two terms that kept racing through my mind as I sat motionless watching this tremendous waste of time. My notes aren’t that much better. When the entire page consists of the words putz, REENACTMENT, hot Harrison, short denim overalls, oiled up, long lost Hemsworth brother, sponsored man necklaces and about a million bless her hearts, the recap doesn’t look very promising.

It’s times like these that you throw a Hail Mary pass and just hope for the best.

Lincee’s Episode 2 Bachelor in Paradise Playlist – The Rejection of YOPO

Free Fallin’ — Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
The first five minutes of the show was by far the most entertaining part of the entire night. Our Host Chris Harrison takes us on a journey that ends in tragedy. A hilarious, random, YOPO tragedy. Crazy Michelle chose to leave the show last week because she was hooking up with a crew member with whom she shared an adjoining room at the hotel. There were several reasons why Michelle fell for this guy, two of which were “he got me floss” and “he hand picked flowers for me.”

You shouldn’t neglect your gums people.

Harrison was sent to talk to Michelle about this infraction and she slammed the door in his face.

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor Paradise

Harrison sighs, knocks again and tries to talk to Michelle a second time. She yells at him. He rolls his eyes. Then she lets a producer in, who obviously is wearing a microphone, and she gets cocky when the producer tells her she is contractually obligated to talk to Harrison.

Michelle: “He’s just the host.”

Messy Bun Lauren, who is labeled a “cast handler” is then interviewed. She and a blurry man (ten bucks it’s the ABC Intern) actually reenact the next moment as if we are all watching Unsolved Mysteries.

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor Paradise

Lauren knocked on Michelle’s door because she and the ABC Psychotherapist are in charge of the rejects. Michelle answered the door wearing only a towel. Lauren asked who was in the room with her and Michelle freaked. Lauren went down stairs to presumably tattle when she heard a thump fall from above.

That thump was production guy Ryan Putz (P-U-T-Z), who unwisely estimated the gap between the balcony and the ground at about six feet. Turns out, it was 25 feet.

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor Paradise

I like to call this the Transcendent Mesnick. They are rare, but clearly exist.

Purz was rushed to the hospital with two broken ankles. Lauren laughed the entire time she was telling the story. She’s my new favorite person on this show.

I Only Have Eye(Lashes) For You — The Flamingos
Even though AshLee’s eyelashes grew 12 inches over night, we didn’t hear much from her this week. Never fear. Her freak flag flies next Monday when she presents Graham with the wedding scrapbook she’s been working on for the last 15 years.

Hot in Here — Nelly
I love how the franchise has made Graham the official greeter when new folks arrive on the island. He’s also the official commentator. “Graham, can you give us a quick rundown of what’s going on?”

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor Paradise Graham

I’ll tell you what’s going on. Graham is securing his rose from AshLee because he’s just so darling.

Hold My Hand — Hootie and the Blowfish
Marcus has taken to holding Lacy’s hand at all times. And when Robert is within a five-mile radius, he insists on kissing her while holding hands. Robert is not taking it well and neither am I.

Can’t Help Falling in Love — Elvis Presley
Lacy doesn’t even remember who Robert is and is completely smitten with her hairy chested lover. So she gives him her rose.

Someday My Prince Will Come — Snow White
Clare is not feeling a connection with anyone on the island. Just when she’s about to give up all hope, Villain Chris saunters into the treehouse unannounced as always. Even though every person warns her that Chris is a womanizer, she lets him lube her up with oil during a couples massage so she can decide for herself if he’s a d-bag. She starts to consider falling for the jack wagon when she spies him humping Elise in the ocean two hours later. She wanders off to vent to find her raccoon friend.

Whatta Man — En Vogue
Suddenly Zack (who?) appears and Clare is back in the game! He asks her out on the date and she is super excited because she’s half Mexican. Ay, caramba! They talk about their pheromones (oh dear), she wears a statement necklace in the water (please) and then she said she felt a connection with Zack when she had her legs wrapped around him in the ocean. Then she winked and laughed in case you were too bored to catch that obvious innuendo. That connection landed Zack Clare’s rose. (That’s not a sexual innuendo by the way, just so we’re clear.)

Drink On It — Blake Shelton
Marquel told Michelle Money that he thought she drank too much. Considering he appears to be passed out most of the time, I thought that was a bold statement. Especially since the entire premise of the show is built on a foundation of tequila shots, whiskey sours and Corona chasers. Marquel is funny.

Gypsies Tramps and Thieves — Cher
Not as funny as Michelle’s chain headdress, but close. I’m not sure why she was in the hot tub fully clothed either, but I’m just going to go with it. Double M is by far my favorite character on this show and I hope they dedicate a rose pedestal or hot tub in her honor when the L.A. mansion becomes a museum one day. I wonder if Marquel kept the rose she gave him because she is and will always be Bachelor royalty.

Live Your Life — T.I. featuring Rihanna
When Elise starts talking about Pices’ propensity to love Scorpions until the day they die, Dylan decides it’s time to cut the umbilical cord. He tells Elise that she should get to know other people. She loves this idea because it’s means they are super connected.

Dylan: She’s smothering me.
Elise: I’ve never felt more in love.

Dylan: If you wanted to go on another date with someone, it wouldn’t bother me.
Elise: He’s scared of how real this is getting so fast.

Dylan: You should meet other people. Go. Meet. Now.
Elise: He’s pushing me away so I can come back to him. That’s sweet.

You’re Still the One — Shania Twain
After yelling at Elise for that entire exchange, I’m reluctant to watch what happens next. She puts on her tiniest bikini which is like chum to Villain Chris. He follows her out into the ocean where they make out for all the world to witness.

The next day, Michelle asks Elise if Chris would be someone she would pursue if Dylan wasn’t in the picture.

Elise: It doesn’t matter. I love Dylan. I’m going to tell him I kissed someone. It will be a hard conversation, but it needs to happen so we can go ahead and get beyond this bump in the road.

Dylan is not pleased that Elise kissed someone else, even though he technically told her to get out there and experience the treehouse dwellers. He uses this as an excuse to break up with her. Only she doesn’t know that they broke up. She thinks the best way to handle the current drama is to visualize things working out.

Dylan: Do not offer me your rose.
Elise: What are you saying?

Dylan: I will not accept your rose.
Elise: Sooooooooo…

Dylan: We are friends. I don’t want your rose.
Elise: Just be honest.

The look on Dylan’s face was priceless when Elise, of course, offered him her rose.

Bad Medicine — Bon Jovi
It’s a good thing Villain Chris was determined to sabotage the Dylan/Elise romance, even though he had no idea that there technically wasn’t an actual romance to sabotage. When Elise’s rose was rejected by Dylan, she recited a long, rambling, confusing speech about how “life brings you a lot of things in ups and downs.” Then she lovingly offered her rose to Villain Chris.

Swingin’ — John Anderson
Sarah was surprised when Dylan received a date card and asked her instead of Elise. Elise, of course, found this entirely charming for some reason and was thrilled that he picked her best friend to take on his date. Dylan was as nice as he could be, praising Sarah for being so sweet and kind. He really wants to get to know her better. I fist pumped the air when Sarah, knowing she had the swing vote, chose to give her rose to Robert instead of Dylan.

Lucky — Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat
Robert barely made it this week and even stooped to sniffing around Michelle Money to try and get her on Team Gale. I will continue to think of him as Liam Hemsworth as he lives to see another week. Turns out the odds were in his favor.

funny bachelor recap-Robert Bachelor Paradise

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme Song
Ben is a jack hole. That’s all there is to it. Marcus “found” a love note in Ben’s Ninja Turtle backpack and showed it to Marquel. The boys confronted Ben about this note and he admitted that he met a girl three weeks before the show started. Clare eavesdropped on the conversation and then reported to the rest of the group. They stampede the treehouse shouting, “NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS!” and carrying pitchforks. Michelle Money sobbed that she left her nine-year-old daughter to find love! WHY WAS HE HEEEEEEEEERRRRRREEEE?

He decided that moment that it was time to leave and officially said goodbye to Hollywood.

I decided that moment to turn off the television to read a little Shakespeare in order to build back a few of my brain cells I lost in those two hours.

I think we both made wise decisions.

Enjoy this week’s playlist!

All about the fame, not the shame,


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August 12, 2014 9:11 am

Poor Elise. Look up denial in the dictionary and there she is. The eye rolling during her rambling speech had me cracking up. This show is such a hot mess. I do love me some Michelle Money though, but you gotta wonder how sober she is when she makes those weird head jewelry choices. I feel like she’s going for some sort of spark between the brain and the metal.

I do not get the attraction to Graham. I’m sure he’s as sweet as they come, but he’s got a “last call” face if I ever saw one.

Patti Kubanet
Patti Kubanet
August 12, 2014 9:28 am

Soooooo… I literally (not the insincere LOL abbreviation) but the true LOL at this, highly anticipated recap. I was looking so forward or reading this Lincee!
Tooooo many to list, but two of my favs:

1. “Tree dwellers”

2, “I decided that moment to turn off the television to read a little Shakespeare in order to build back a few of my brain cells I lost in those two hours.”

I also believe, Elise is worthy of an entire separate post.
I’m 100% certain, her parents car never wore a
“My Child Is An Honor Student” bumper sticker

I cannot look away Patti

August 12, 2014 10:18 am

Thanks for the laughs Lincee, and you too Patti. Why in the world would a grown man have a ninja turtle backpack. We have a kid at school with the same one but he is in 1st grade. good news is it comes with a matching lunchbox. sad that that was my main thought when watching ben leave. haha

paula K
paula K
August 12, 2014 10:43 am

Great recap Lincee. Love the Pretty Woman reference.

August 12, 2014 11:08 am

Hey baseballmama…… dang, I didn’t even see ben’s backpack as I usually am doing other things while sorta watching the tv. I wonder if he purposely brought that backpack so that the women would think he is such a great dad(in that he missed his son so much that he brought his backpack to remind him of his precious son). Using his son as a chick magnet like some guys use cute puppies. I just get the feeling that he calculates everything he does to give a certain appearance although he doesn’t really appear to be a real “thinking” man either. His ” found girlfriend letter ” seemed too contrived for me…. Almost made me wonder if he wrote it and planted it when he realized that he wouldn’t be likely to be getting a Rose and thus it was a face saving device plus it generated some drama and focus on him( The Name of the Game)!
Love Lincee and love all the comments.

August 12, 2014 11:23 am

Favorite line:

“…I hope they dedicate a rose pedestal or hot tub in her honor when the L.A. mansion becomes a museum one day.”

YES!!! Please let this happen soon!

August 12, 2014 11:29 am

Dear Ryan Putz:
I can understand why you were embarrassed to be caught in Michelle’s room. But you were in adjoining rooms. Why did you not just:
A. go through the unlocked door to your own room or
B. go on to the SHARED balcony and hop over the (low) railing?

What an entertaining trainwreck this show is proving to be!

August 12, 2014 11:52 am

Fav line:

I like to call this the Transcendent Mesnick. They are rare, but clearly exist.

Great re-cap Lincee!!

August 12, 2014 1:02 pm

I think we can go ahead and call this spin off “Paradise LOST”. Ugh! However, I will say…I did get a good hearty laugh out of “Fat Damon”.

Amanda B
Amanda B
August 12, 2014 1:37 pm

“Biggest waste of time ever”.
Here! Here!

I gave up the exact same time you did.

August 12, 2014 2:21 pm

I annoy my family every week by chuckling at my computer while reading your recap! You NEVER disappoint, Lincee!

My favorite lines:


Elise’s tiniest bikini “which is like chum to Villian Chris”

Robert trying to get MM on “Team Gale”

Best line of the week:
“I decided that moment to turn off the television to read a little Shakespeare in order to build back a few of my brain cells I lost in those two hours.”

I COULDN’T AGREE MORE! First five minutes (The Reenactment) and last five minutes (The Rejected Rose) were the ONLY highlights!

I think they need more tequila!

August 12, 2014 2:31 pm

I must be the only one who liked Dylan. However, even I laughed at “fat Damon.” I’m with Julie, though, on being puzzled over the oodles of Graham love. I don’t think he’s particularly attractive, and seems a little boring to me. Then again, I don’t remember if I watched the season he was on, so that could account for it.

I was bummed when Michelle Money gave her rose to Marquel, since I don’t think they’re right for each other AT ALL. He’s talked about being religious, and she doesn’t seem to be, and that’s a bad mix. Plus, the day I stay with a man who tells me I drink too much is the day that the Pacific freezes over. No thanks. The bloom is off the rose for me with Marquel.

August 12, 2014 2:57 pm

michelle m is mormon (albeit non practicing i suppose) so maybe there is some sort of religious connection with marquel. i see more there than with robert that they hinted at in the next ep.
fat damon had me giggling for 30 mins.
agreed, elise deserves an entire post!
excellent recap!

August 12, 2014 5:17 pm

My fav=”they stampede the treehouse shouting, ‘NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS!’ and carrying pitchforks.”

August 12, 2014 5:26 pm

I’m not sure if I’m able to subject myself to this trash for the duration of this season. Ugh; so many cringe worthy and downright disgusting moments. And ABC and the franchise is eating it right up. Poor Elise, she’s downright delusional. (Has she ever heard of “He’s just not that into you”?) I like Dylan; he seems nice and I remember someone saying that everyone likes him. I thought Sara was a jerk to not give the rose to him. She is so boring, bland, no emotion when she talks; she should be grateful he took her on a date and was so nice to her because I find her personality to be a major flaw. Michelle Money is a great actress…hence, the tears when she found out Ben was not there for the right reasons! So overdramatic! Most of these people are in there late 20’s, early to mid 30’s and they’re so immature it’s embarrassing. Chris is just a complete ass and a d-bag. Why anyone would ever date him again is a mystery to me. He’s so cocky. Ugh….

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