‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Yopo – You only propose once

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

You only Paradise once, and two weeks is all it took for Marcus and Lacy to fall in love. He proposed. She said yes, and as far as I know, he’s not headed off to war. She is excited to one day call him her fiance. He reminded her that the ring on her finger gives her that power. I’m 80/40 percent sure she understood, but I have high hopes that everything will be fine. They have the full endorsement of Michelle Money, plus Sean and Catherine are a hop, skip and a jump away if they need pre-marital counseling after they hit the 30-day stretch. It’s not weird that I have a carton of milk in my refrigerator that’s older than their relationship. We should rejoice that there was a “winner” and we all had a front row seat to watch love bloom right before our eyes!

We are all winners. We made it to the finish line and didn’t keel over from all the intimate details shared in such a short amount of time. That’s a “W” in the win column people. It’s a good thing we have four months to gear up for this guy:

funny bachelor recap-Farmer Bachelor Chris

Rumor has it that Cody Code is currently training The Farmer to prepare him for his season. They even have a hashtag: #shredthefarmer. Here’s hoping that The Code stops before The Farmer looks like this:

funny bachelor recap-Cody Code

I have to applaud ABC for flying through three breakups within the first 30 minutes of the show. Traditionally, they would have stretched this episode into a three-hour series, but Fleiss ripped the Band-Aid.

Harrison rolls in the treehouse looking dashing as usual. He smells like 30-year-old bourbon, gun powder and fortitude. He tells the six couples that they must decide if they are ready for a real relationship. If they are, they get to stay on the island. If not, they must pack their bags and leave immediately.

This throws the tree house dwellers for a loop. The boys go to the cabin to talk about their feelings. Well, Cody Code talks about his feelings and everyone else nods. The girls listen to Michelle worry about her daughter and being caught up in fear. Then she notices AshLee picking at her fingernails and her anxiety turns to sabotage. She announces that she is going to talk to Graham.

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in ParadiseIn an interview, AshLee talks about how she’s not worried about next steps. She knows that she and Graham have a spiritual, romantic connection. Her heart is heavy for Michelle though. It makes her want to cry. Or she’s crying because her headband is too tight. We can’t be sure.

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in ParadiseIt takes Michelle exactly five minutes to convince Graham that he needs to cut all ties with AshLee and get the heck off this island. To be quite honest, I’m pretty sure Graham was going to do it anyway. He never did like how AshLee pee’d on him and his Instagram account within minutes of arriving in paradise. It was nice of Michelle to offer him comfort in the warmth of her own bosom before sending him off to break up with AshLee.

Graham tells AshLee that he is worried they wouldn’t work outside of paradise. AshLee tells him that he doesn’t have say, “I love you.” This is the final nail in the coffin.

Graham: I can’t continue on. I’m sorry.
Ash: I knew it. It was way too good to be true.

Graham suggests that they return to the tree house to pack their bags. AshLee walks off and he remains on the beach.

I told everyone watching that AshLee was going to turn around to talk to him again. When she did, I refrained from saying, “I told you so” but my smile gave me away. She doesn’t want it to end. Graham disagrees. He lets her go.

Graham: It was the right thing to do for both of us. But it sucked.

Michelle rushes to the beach to console her friend. Jackie finds AshLee crying by the secret camera she discovered a few episodes ago.

AshLee: I feel like a fool.
Lincee: Because of that weird golden tattoo on your arm? Don’t worry about it. That strange finger/hand turquoise accessory is a different story…

I actually thought AshLee would go full-on Fatal Attraction at this point, but she quietly left the tree house without saying goodbye to anyone and cried an appropriate amount of tears in the rejection coche. I was fearful that the camera was going to catch clumps of her eyelashes falling out in chunks. Fortunately all 400 individuals remained intact.

Tasos and Christy sat down on the porch, spoke two sentences, gave each other a high five and high tailed it out of paradise. Christy shoved several bottles of booze in her suitcase and Tasos tucked his new Cody Code workout routine in his backpack for safe keeping. See? Winners!

Jackie and Zack mumbled some sort of lame, “we needed more time” nonsense to each other, nodded in the other’s direction and left. The entire exchange lasted 30 seconds.

Only 90 minutes to go. Now what?

Michelle is torn. She barely knows Cody Code, but she’s not ready to give up. So she calls her nine-year-old daughter for advice as any mother on a reality dating/hooking up show would do. She tells Bri that Cody Code is super cute. Bri warns her mother that she doesn’t have to decide just yet. Michelle whines that she does! Chris Harrison is making her decide! Bri tells her mom to calm down. All she has to do is figure out if his personality is worth pursuing. Is he funny? Is he nice? Do they have anything in common?

If ever the ABC Psychologist is sick or on vacation, this kid could step in.

Michelle takes the middle school child’s advice. She needs more time to figure things out. And what better way to figure things out than a good old fashion forgo card fantasy suite date!

Harrison sets the scene. There are three couples left and each one will have one more chance in paradise to figure out if they can make it in the real world.

OHCH: Alright couples. You have 12 hours to pretend you are back home living your everyday lives. Now dress up in your fanciest outfits, eat dinner in these luxury hotel suites, take baths in tepid water together and try not to choke on all the candle smoke. If you can’t make it in the fantasy suite, you have to leave the island. Ready, set, GO!

Everyone primps, preens, tucks, hoists and spritzes. Chapstick is applied. Lipstick is applied. And Lacy continues her tradition of paying homage to 80s fashion by wearing something adjacent to the great Vivian Ward.

funny bachelor recap-Julia-Roberts-Pretty-Woman

The viewer is treated to a lengthy montage of all three dates. The following is a list of actual quotes that were uttered from the mouths of our remaining contestants.

I’m excited. I used to watch these overnight dates growing up.

I want him to get to know me in every way possible off camera.

I hope he goes there. I hope he digs in deep.

You do know you’re not getting laid tonight, right?

Can you guess who said what? Here’s a hint: Three of the four quotes are from Sarah and the last one is Michelle. I’m going to give you a moment to bless one of their hearts.

After three beach walks of shame, the six contestants debrief in front of each other in the common room of the tree house. Marcus and Lacy are their normal happy selves. Michelle Money and Cody Code are obnoxiously happy. And Sarah feels weird that Robert isn’t gushing all over her like the other two dudes are with their women.


M$: I am really sore and very satisfied. I am so crystal clear about what it is I want, and I want Cody.

CC: She broke the Code. I marked off some things on my bucket list last night.

Lincee: How sweet. I’m sure Bri is extremely proud of this moment.

Sarah: He had his jeans on under the covers. So we went to sleep.

Lincee: I feel uncomfortable.

Sarah: His hands did not touch my body anywhere below the neck.

Lincee: Please stop talking.

Sarah: I don’t even know if he has a penis.

Lincee: Please stop talking now.

Sarah: I went to unbuckle his jeans and he stopped me.

Lincee: Do they make Germ Squirt for ears?

Sarah asks Robert to talk. She tells him that if he didn’t want to touch her last night in the fantasy suite, then he may not be into her. Robert’s body language totally agreed. He feigned sadness, patted her on the neck (nothing below of course) and bid her adieu. She spent the next 20 minutes questioning her decision. Maybe they will have a serious DTR on the flight back to LA.

And then there were two couples. No wait! And then there were two hook ups, one engaged couple, a pair of newlyweds and a set of parents ready to give advice on how to make a relationship last in Bachelor world! Welcome Des and Chris! Sean and Catherine! Jason and Molly! (Does anyone know when Jason and Molly became the new Trista and Ryan?)

Each couple meets with the All-Stars both as a unit and individually. Lots of surface advice was doled out in rather large servings. These included life-changing mantras like, “Know what you’re getting in to.” and “Expect a huge transition.”

The All-Stars are positioned above the newbies. They sit, tossing out approving glances as Cody Code gives a 10 minute monolog on The Wonder That is Michelle Money.

CC: You swept me off my feet.
Lincee: After Clare rejected you, but let’s forget about that.

Michelle Money returns the favor by comparing their relationship to sugar and spice. They hand each other their last roses. The All-Stars approve. Michelle and Cody Code walk off into the sunset hand-and-hand. They are still together today.

The minute Marcus started wiping the sweat from his brow, I knew he was going to propose. Who knew Uncle Neil made tree house calls?! He asks for a minute alone with Lacy, escorts her to the tree house edge and proceeds to propose in a private moment away from the All-Stars and Our Host, but in front of the rest of the 10 million people (according to AshLee) who watch this show each and every Monday. See? Winners!

The All-Stars gather around to hug, congratulate and gush over the monster rock on Lacy’s left hand. Harrison gives a knowing look, turns to the camera and reminds us all as always, love is at the center.

funny bachelor recap-Chris Harrison

Cue “Almost Paradise” track. Cue the love montage. Cue the blooper reel. AND SCENE!

That chapter has officially closed. We made it an entire year of three separate seasons! You can pick your medal up in the WINNERS tent. Take a load off, because THE FARMER returns this January. E-I-E-I-OHHHHHHHHHHHH!

If you are a Bachelor reader only, please don’t be a stranger. I have some big announcements coming up that you don’t want to miss!

If you are a TV watcher, check out my recaps on Entertainment Weekly! This fall, I’m covering ‘New Girl’ and ‘Manhattan Love Story.’ I know. Best job EVER.

If you are interested in my random musings, I am humbled. This website is about to get a MAJOR overhaul and I want your input! Shoot me an email and let me know what you like, what you don’t like and how I can make this brief time I have with you more enjoyable.

80/40 Forever,

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September 9, 2014 8:14 am

Why do I read your recaps while drinking coffee? That’s a dangerous combo! I laughed so hard. Loved this line: Tasos tucked his new Cody Code workout routine in his backpack for safe keeping.

And ew on the oversharing from them!

Tricia Davis
Tricia Davis
September 9, 2014 8:14 am

Great recap as always! I enjoy your site year round, not only for your recaps. I truly hope you find that sweet cowboy that loves the Lord that you’ve been looking for!! You have such a wonderful sense of humor, and I appreciate whatever you choose to share with your readers! 🙂

September 9, 2014 8:23 am

Robert might be a nevernude!

September 9, 2014 8:23 am

I think you are wonderful…at the insistence of a friend I recently found my way back into the Bachelor viewership…and your blog was what I looked forward to…even moreso than the show!! I may have missed it…but why no Outlander recaps? Do you have any other recap blogs that you recommend?

September 9, 2014 8:31 am

I think there is a reason Robert was not into Sarah. Maybe he wishes Brooks would have stayed on the island, too??

September 9, 2014 8:37 am

Great recap as always, Lincee. You are such a large part of why I am still a faithful watcher of the Bachelor franchise!

Question for you – Did I make this up, or was there a clip in the previews earlier this season showing someone getting handcuffed? (In a “getting arrested” sort of way…not a “this might be an accidentally placed clip from M$ and Cody Code’s fantasy suite” sort of way.) I think they edited it to make it look like the sirens and ambulance (from the night Lacy went to the hospital) were part of a situation that led to someone’s arrest. After the ambulance situation was resolved in such a nondramatic way, I comforted myself knowing we still had an arrest coming at some point this season. But it never panned out, and the clip stopped being shown. Did I hallucinate this??

September 9, 2014 8:48 am

SO excited that you’ll be recapping New Girl!

Michael B
Michael B
September 9, 2014 8:58 am

I AM curious what things Cody marked off his bucket list….

September 9, 2014 9:01 am

WTH? Michelle tells Graham to break up with AshLee and he just goes and does it? Is she keeping him in reserve for herself?

September 9, 2014 9:24 am

Love the recap. Such a great horrible season where I actually found Michelle M to be the normal person? Seriously though the call to her 9 year old – call up the psychotherapist now!

September 9, 2014 9:26 am

That’s another thing that just wasn’t right.

September 9, 2014 9:28 am

Oh Lincee your blogs kills me – #shredthefarmer I need to figure out how to use this hashtag.

This season was horribly great, somehow Michelle M seemed to be to voice of reason while Ashlee wow delusional much? The most disturbing thing though (well ouside Lacy’s homage to 80’s proms) the call to Michelle’s 9! Year old, yup get that psychotherapist lined up!

Colorado Kathleen
Colorado Kathleen
September 9, 2014 10:11 am

Really enjoyed your recaps…but boy did this show drag on toward the end! I’m happy for the two couples that ended up together but its hard to believe they only spent 2 weeks together – and less than that for Michelle and Cody.

Loved Michelle except for all the TMI after her fantasy suite but wishing her and Cody well in their relationship. She is so darn photogenic and looked really happy once she decided to stop holding back.

I worry for AshLee’s future…she seems to have so many issues she’s blind to.

Love your constant creative insight Lincee!

September 9, 2014 10:18 am

Lincee, how did you do it? I thought it was the LEAST dramatic episode ever. But you pulled out the funniest recap of the season. My favorite lines:

… if they need pre-marital counseling after they hit the 30-day stretch. It’s not weird that I have a carton of milk in my refrigerator that’s older than their relationship.

Or she’s crying because her headband is too tight.

And I can never get enough Pretty Woman references. I was SO distracted by Lacy’s evening makeup, especially contrasted to her much prettier toned-down day face!

And you are SO going to make “E-I-E-I-OHHHHHHHHHHHH!” happen.

September 9, 2014 10:51 am

You truly are a comic genius. My favorite parts are always where you insert your “Lincee” dialogue quotes.
Also loved the Who knew Uncle Neil made treehouse calls? Hate this fiasco is over simply because I don’t have your recaps to look forward to the next day.
By the way what WAS up with that finger/hand turquoise accessory on AshLee?? Awful.

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