Let’s face it. Last night’s episode was special. There’s no other way to describe it. I’ve tried to dissect the facts on various levels, but I just don’t see how one show could be so disturbing and yet equally boring at the same time. I understand that the producers want us to grasp the fact that due to his dumping experience via Ashley, this franchise is responsible for Groban’s transformation into vulnerable man with an adorable new chick magnet puppy named Scotch. I can even overlook the fact that within minutes of the opening montage, the girls have been suddenly plucked from their Hollywood Hills mansion and shipped off to Sonoma where they will have the rare opportunity to experience Groban where he is the most comfortable.

What I can’t forgive is the total lack of Our Host. Why isn’t Harrison in his adorable casual sweater and worn jeans bestowing the first date card to a group of hung over ladies wearing Juicy yoga pants and sports bras sipping morning mimosas? Where was the deliberation with Groban in the photo bureau room sponsored by Pier One in which Harrison becomes the Yoda to our Bachelor’s Luke Skywalker? Everyone knows that Our Host is the glue that holds this mess of a show together. He’s classy. He’s suave. He’s got a killer gaze with those baby blues. He’s talented. He’s Harrison. Why in the world, I ask you, does ABC give him less than five minutes of screen time in week two? I think I speak for us all when I say bring back the host!

I’m happy to step off my soap box and get to the recap. But I had to mention it because I know you were thinking it too.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

As I mentioned before, Groban has chosen to mix things up a bit by taking each of the remaining 17 ladies on one big, gigantic home town excursion via a convoy of pimped out white Bentleys undoubtedly featured in at least one of Snoop Dogg’s music videos during his “Doggfather” reign circa 1996. I was encouraged to see his awesome truck/Jeep hybrid vehicle was red, otherwise Groban would be lost in a constant sea of monochromatic hues for the duration of this episode.

Before we even realize that Harrison is nowhere to be found, Groban welcomes the ladies to Sonoma and encourages them to explore “the house” in which they will be staying. I don’t know if the audience was supposed to assume this was a either former or a current habitat of the Family Grobai, but the description of the establishment was just random enough for me to hypothesize that Jenna the Blogger must have taken a pass at penning the Sonoma Mansion’s role in season 16. After all the girls gather by the pool, Groban announces that Kacie B. will be the first recipient of a one-on-one date. I, along with the others, felt robbed that the moment came with neither a hand written note on Harrison’s personal Crane stationery nor with Harrison himself.

Kacie B. dresses in the latest trends. She’s nautical on top and cowgirl on the bottom. The Skipper and Mary Ann combination is a good look for her as they take off in the red Treep. No comment on Groban’s attire. I’ll also not mention his untamed locks this time since the Treep is technically a convertible and there was no way he could have avoided the achieved tasseled look.

Groban wants Kacie B. to experience all that Sonoma has to offer. Moments later, the pair who are pretty much one step removed from the “stranger” category, are holding hands as if a promise has been made to “never let go” before the Titanic begins to dive down into frigid waters. We learn a lot about the popular downtown square of Sonoma, including the minor detail that apparently no one gives a rip about it when the sun goes down, excluding two ladies in front of “The Girl and the Fig” restaurant who were probably former high school classmates of our fair Bachelor. It’s just a guess. GO DRAGONS!

After a quick one-handed tinkling on a strategically placed baby grand piano (the other hand was obviously occupied by a giddy Southern girl from Tennessee) Groban strolls into the confectionery to finally answer the question, “How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?” before purchasing a Kermit the Frog lunch box using only his right hand during the entire transaction.

This is riveting television folks.

Knowing that something has to be done, the ABC intern is sent to sneak a secret prop into the candy store window. Is it a life size gummy bear? Is it a yard-o-gum? Is it a five-pound Hershey kiss?

Why of course not. Kacie B. spies a baton in the window and makes Groban wait outside while she fake purchases it before overlooking the fact that it’s clearly used, or more practically, something her own mother dug out from the back of her closet and sent rush delivery via UPS to one Mike Fleiss just two days ago.

Although there were a few impressive toss-turnarounds in the middle of a virtually uninhabited Main Street, I’ll spare you the particulars detailing the side-by-side couples marching and action sequence in which Kacie B. tossed with her right hand and Groban caught the baton with his left due to the ever present finger lock. She does a great job announcing every few minutes that Sonoma is the cutest little town next to Tupelo and that she would love to date, get married and raise a family right here in the Town Square if given the opportunity.

Groban: “I like that you are comfortable here. I’m looking for someone to join me, my Mom and my sister in our life together on the vineyard. You know, this worked for me before, and it can work again.”
Lincee: “Would we say that this worked for you before? Or would you like to take a mulligan to re-think that phrasing? Your choice Grobe. Please cut your hair.”

They seal the deal with a kiss at the restaurant, re-clasp and then head off for Groban’s final surprise at the movie theater. Kacie B. nearly chokes on her popcorn when she sees a projection of herself with the most amazing three-year-old Afro I’ve ever seen that wasn’t from Party City. The first 12 years of her life flash before her eyes in a two minute montage. Kacie B. in a laundry basket! Singing karaoke! Twirling! Groban laughs in all the right places and “aawwwww’s” in all the right places before the scene switches to a fully nude Baby Bachelor complete with modesty blurring around his boy bits. Look! It’s Groban playing the piano in what appears to be a Unit belt! Climbing a picnic table naked! Hair in high school that is way better than his current coif!

Finally, the pictures become more personal and the producers even throw in a few home videos for good heart string tugging measure. Groban obviously becomes emotional at seeing his father 22 feet tall — strong, funny and full of life. I thought Kacie B. did a great job of respecting him, while offering a shoulder to lean on or a hand to hold in case he needed it. With that said, Groban has known her (and I’m being generous by rounding up) a total of 3.5 hours. Is it really necessary on the first one-on-one date of the season to have the ABC intern create a memory montage of old photos and home movies on his Mac? Perhaps Groban wanted to share those memories of his deceased father at his future rehearsal dinner or with someone he’s known longer than the nice lady who serves him his morning espresso at Starbucks.

Groban admitted that the moment of such personal and intimate detail bonded him and Kacie B. together. Then they made out under the one stop light in the Square. He appeared to really dig her chili. And I think she digs his too.

GROUP DATE
Come Play With Me
Nana’s Granddaughter Brittney
Rachel Rose (blond with bangs)
Jennifer the Red Head Accountant
Blakeley the Stripper VIP Waitress
Emily
Jenna Bless Her Heart
Shawn the Single Mom
Monica the Mean Girl
Miss Pacific Palisades Samantha
Jamie the Nurse
Nicki from TEXAS
Jaclyn

Clearly, the first thing(s) we need to discuss before we get into the logistics of the date and the after cast party is Blakeley’s romper. Not only was it a few sizes too small, I’d be willing to bet that the frock was purchased after discovering Frederick’s of Hollywood had a fire sale on overstocked Halloween milk maid costumes. Sadly, I’m sure she would have chosen less cleavage had she known her group date would be playing Simon Says to a gaggle of middle school theater kids. Sure the fifth grade boy didn’t do her any favors by asking the cocktail waitress to “run in slow motion,” but I think this is the earliest we’ve ever had a contestant (in this case Miss Pacific Palisades) bestow another such an appropriate nickname. Jugs McGee. I added the last name because it just sounded like it needed a little something extra.

This is why we watch the show people.

So Jugs and the other ladies head to a significantly more occupied Town Square to learn that they will all be performing in a play. This excites most of our group until Groban introduces them to the script writers. Enter a gaggle of middle school theater kids attending a day-long drama camp at the Sonoma Town Square. Mean Monica plasters on a fake smile, Jugs tries to shove the ladies further into the bodice of the milk maid outfit and Miss Pacific Palisades appears to be allergic to children or just hate them in general. One can’t be sure.

Everyone retires to an outdoor amphitheater where the children begin to shout commands at the Bachelorettes who stand uncomfortably on stage.

Kid #1: “ACT LIKE A WEASEL!”
Kid #2: “MAKE A PIG NOISE!”
Kid #3: “RUN AROUND AFRAID OF SOMETHING IN THE FOREST!”

The weasel and pig pass with flying colors. I believe it was Jaclyn who channeled her inner porn star during her distress in the woods. And Nicki wisely executes “the sprinkler” as seen in every wedding reception near and far by husbands, fathers and brothers who were young in the 80s when asked to “SHOW US A SEXY DANCE!”

What I want to know is where are the parents to these kids? A sexy dance? You’re nine-years-old. Go watch Little House on the Prairie and get off my lawn.

Next up is Jugs McGee running in place. Allegedly, this is standard protocol when trying out for the part of “gingerbread man.” Lord. I’m surprised she didn’t lose an eye. It’s clear that one precious little blond angel is scarred for life when she rambled on about how, “One of the girls [makes hand gestures signifying big boobs] was just. She…I don’t know…she wasn’t good.” The little boy interviewed immediately after thought Jugs did very well. Miss Pacific Palisades had another opinion.

Samantha: “What do you get when you cross a gingerbread man with a hooker? Jugs McGee.”

Now, now. I don’t think that language is going to win anyone Miss Congeniality, is it?

For the next forever minutes, we are treated to the theatrical stylings of Sonoma Town Square’s Drama in the Park’s rendition of “Prince Pinot of Bachelorville.”

We all took a sip of our respective beverage and powered on.

As mentioned before, there was a pig, weasel and donkey that hee-haw’d a lot. The Valley Girl and Hippie Chick were supposed to kiss Groban, but he walked off stage before they could make their move. Mean Monica was dressed as a gecko and somehow managed to “blow” Groban’s clothes off. With dramatic flair, he ripped away his sheep outfit to reveal underwear crafted from a few hundred cotton balls. The audience was mesmerized by the fact that our Bachelor no longer has the physique of a young boy, but that of a young boy who has defined shoulders, chest and a touch of farmer’s tan thanks to a summer of hauling wine barrels out on the vineyard. A pair of grey Toms completes the ensemble.

The crowd goes wild, thankful that the 30-minute torture is finally over. They all head down the street to purchase vintage lunch boxes and batons with the crisp $20 the ABC intern handed out to passers by on the picturesque Town Square jogging trail that morning. Groban takes the ladies to the Fairmont Spa so they can booze it up in swimming pools and hot tubs. Ironically, most continue to wear their jewelry in the water, including Jugs who sports long, sparkly baubles in each lobe which accent her turquoise ruffled bikini from 1984. Miss Palisades nurses a Cosmo in the corner, hating on Jugs before deciding the handicap stall of the bathroom is way more comfortable.

The Grobe compliments Jugs by telling her that she seems very grounded and that the group appears to like her. She responds by telling him that she’s been blessed in certain places before subconsciously glancing down at her own jugs.

My first out loud guffaw came when Jaclyn announced to the camera that “Blakeley is fakely.” Too bad the moment was usurped by the aquatic tradition known as chicken fighting. The petite girls mount the former cheerleader bases and it is ON. Red Head Jennifer plucks some courage after “accidentally” tripping Nicki in the shallow end, sending Jamie tumbling into the water and asks Groban to join her in the jacuzzi room. The acoustics were horrible. The entire conversation reflected visions of Charlie Brown’s teacher. That coupled with a symphony of smacking noises derived from their kisses, we can’t be sure what these two kids talked about. I’m quite certain our accountant tallied the number of kisses she both gave and received and recorded the exchange in some sort of color-coded Excel spreadsheet when she returned to the Sonoma mansion.

Jugs takes the jugs out for a swim and entices the Bachelor to join her. She explains that her passion extends from being a Scorpion and then sticks her tongue down Groban’s throat while Jennifer watches with sad eyes. She later cries to the camera because it’s hard seeing the guy she likes kissing other girls. Especially Jugs. What makes matters worse is when Groban gives Jugs the date rose simply because she was one of the first to come out of her shell.

That has to be code for some sort of topless action in the pool.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Courtney the Model
Let’s Spin the Bottle

Drum Major Kacie B. is the lucky one to read the date card out loud to the small gathering of ladies who had not been invited on the group date. When she announced that Courtney was the recipient of the second single date, the model snarked back, “How’d that taste coming out of your mouth?”

Kacie B: “She is not a nice person.”

Later, Courtney also shared with First Impression Lindzi that she believed the horse was the one who received the rose…not the one riding. Lindzi being Lindzi gave her a stare, an eye roll and then went on about her business. For reasons only large quantities of alcohol can explain, the lawyer finger gun girl Erika is furious that Courtney is playing games and trying to get under everyone’s skin.

Erika: “Guess what Courtney? CONGRATULATIONS! IT’S WORKING. POW POW!”

Groban shows up in his kicky Treep wearing something taupe and characterless in the Henley family. Fortunately, he also has Scotch in tow and all the girls go crazy over him! The trio ride off into a vineyard and then stop to traipse around in the same woods where Bella began to figure out exactly why Edward is so fast and cold. I half expected Groban to encourage Courtney to “SAY IT” before she barely whispered, “Vampire.”

Even if it had been another round of Town Square Theater, it would have been better than this snooze fest of a date. The most uncomfortable part was when Groban accidentally humped his dog when trying to make him howl. That’s just not fun for anyone. The dog or the witnesses.

They picnic by stagnant water on a bed of river rocks and Groban asks Courtney why she’s so hot and still single. She moans about how being in Hollywood is so overrated and how she’s dated many an actor, director, producer, so on. She’s just ready to be with someone who wants to settle down in a quaint little town that celebrates the local arts while encouraging residents to remain in their homes when the street lights turn on at night time.

Groban: “You are the full package. You’re smart. Witty. Drop dead gorgeous. Is this too good to be true?”
Courtney: “Don’t hate be because I’m beautiful.”

Groban has fallen for her hook, line and sinker and it’s up to poor Scotch to do everything in his power to keep these two from finding a meadow so they can talk about their feelings and the condition of their souls. There will be NO sparkling in the sunshine today if this canine can help it. Scotch whines, yips and practically wedges himself between the wine maker and runway walker.

Take heed Groban. Dogs can sense when people are not being authentic. Listen to Scotch before he leaves you and goes back to Frasier’s dad.

After a quick ride on the Kubota, Groban feeds her dinner in the vineyard and we learn that he was a party animal and playboy at the University of Arizona. We learn she often found strange underwear in her bed.

Deeming this one of Oprah’s “ah-ha” moments, Groban kisses the model and declares them a pretty good match.

ROSE CEREMONY
One can only assume that Courtney wore that ugly doily dress with the shoulder pads because she had already secured a rose. She wisely decides to get buzzed on the Zinfandel while watching the other losers shoot themselves in the foot.

Groban: “I had a wonderful time with ALL of you these past few days. Well, except for the few that I didn’t ever see and therefore have no reason to express my pleasure. CHEERS!”

Lindzi is first to snag the Bachelor for some alone time. Her salmon colored short cocktail dress with the feather bottom begged me to wonder what she would be wearing in the long program later that evening. Evidently, she would rather wear dirt for makeup and kick up dust in her F350 diesel.

Miss Pacific Palisades has miraculously squeezed herself into a short, strapless cocktail dress and is ready to win Groban over in the interview portion of the pageant. Just as she is about to answer with utter confidence, “WORLD PEACE,” Jugs McGee comes in and steals him away.

AND SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE. THE NERVE.

Not one to keep any sort of mishap or rude behavior to herself, Miss Pacific Palisades rushes to tell the other girls that Jugs is a total stage five clinger. Five seconds later, she does it again to Finger Gun Erika, Esquire. ASTONISHING. Jaclyn continues to feed the gossip. I was distracted when the less popular fashion cousin of Jug’s Ocean Pacific retro bikini made an appearance in the form of the full sequins, green (albeit significantly shorter) Junior Prom dress I wore in 1997. Mercifully, there was no matching banana clip, but the green did bring out the envy in Jaclyn’s eyes.

Oblivious to all the drama within mere inches of his presence, Groban grabs Jenna for some alone time. Jenna, our resident crazy, has been uncharacteristically low key and is currently acting somewhat normal. Odd.

He takes her to the outdoor rattan furniture where she immediately takes the blanket he offers her to block the night chill and haphazardly throws it on a pile of decorative candles. There’s the Jenna we know and love!

Jenna [clearly nervous]: “I’m thankful you gave me another chance after the first night. I’m going to be honest. I feel like I’m a guy in how I act and this is very unnatural with what people say.”
Groban: “You feel like a guy?”

Jenna: “It might appear as if I’m not, I mean it’s hard, it’s only you, waiting for you is totally worth it.”
Groban: “Thank you?”

Jenna: “I’m not a good girl if that makes sense.”
Groban: “It makes perfect sense.”

Someone comes to steal Groban away. He gives them a subliminal, “Hallelujah!” before handing Jenna off to tape her daunting solo interview. She begins to hyperventilate as she did at the previous rose ceremony, wondering how she is going to move on…or if she really wants to before melting down on camera, clutching her non-existent pearls and wandering off in the general direction of the suitcase room where Jugs McGee has already assumed the fetal position in the corner because it’s time to fake cry until Groban is sent by the producers to find her. Jenna does the next best thing. She crawls into bed, covers up and waits for dawn. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone take to bed this early in the game. That includes that one girl who passed out drunk and when Ashely found sanctuary under her purple comforter during Bentleygate!

After Groban repeatedly asks Jugs if the reason she’s uncontrollably heaving her bosom behind a fake Louis Vitton rolling case has nothing to do with him, he stumbles upon Jenna moments later and drags her to the rose ceremony where she can have a front row spot to witness every other girl receive a coveted bud. Bless her heart. Get back on the meds sweetie. Here’s hoping the ABC Psychotherapist immediately stepped in with some counsel in the rejection van.

Right when I start to feel sorry for the fact that not only has Jenna ruined any change she ever had of finding Mr. Big, but her boob pad is showing on national TV, Harrison arrives to put us all out of our misery. He’s like that little cup of coffee beans the Aramis sales person hands you when you have to clear your olfactory nerves before moving on to the Calvin Klein counter. My palette felt cleansed.

Harrison takes the girls outside so Groban can see who can best withstand the wintery conditions. The mystical fog pulsating from the swimming pool was a nice touch. Ah the magic of dry ice.

Groban arrives looking disheveled as always. The girls display a mixture of exhaustion, drunkenness and general hysteria. He’s thankful that they are all in Sonoma and looks forward to Sunday roasts with the family before bestowing roses to:

Jugs McGee
Kacie B.
Jennifer the Accountant
Emily
Elyse “Drop and Give Me 20”
Jaclyn
Erika (POW, POW)
Rachel Rose
Lindzi
Nicki the TEXAN
Casey (Who?)
Miss Pacific Palisades Samantha
Mean Monica
Jamie
Nana’s Granddaughter Brittney

Single Mom Shawn adjusts her red arm band and politely bids our Bachelor adieu.

Poor Jenna calmly navigates the tricky cobblestone, embraces the Grobe, takes a whiff of his hair, proceeds to hold her boobs while making her way to the living room to over analyze the situation. The ABC intern explains that the clause in her contract states that all rejection interviews must be filmed in the courtyard or rejection limo and she must leave the premises immediately. This is challenged by a battering of questions, consisting of, “Can you believe this?” and “Are you kidding me?” and the ever aggressive, “REALLY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

Week two and the crazy one is out. This really is a season like no other. Next week promises and quick caravan of Bentleys over to San Francisco. The mysterious woman, who has Chris Harrison’s phone number, crashes the party and sends everyone into a tizzy. We are supposed to believe that the uninvited guest is Ashley, but one look at the heels and we know without a doubt it’s not her. Ash wouldn’t be caught dead in anything less than four-inches.

Who do you think it is? Do you even care? Did every cop in Sonoma drive by the Fig Restaurant during Groban’s date with the twirler? And do you really think there were that many cops in the sleepy town? Or was it the same two circling the Square? Sound off in the comments!