I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the Bachelor franchise has finally out-bored itself with last night’s episode of Groban moderately searching for sort of love while wearing a charcoal peacoat in the Swiss Alps. It didn’t help matters that the first 20 minutes consisted of a meandering jaunt down memory lane as our Bachelor casually ticked off acceptable characteristics of the remaining three women via voiceover as the computer graphic generated map dotted lined us from LA to Switzerland. Let the record show that I fast forwarded just in time to hit play and hear Groban say:

“It’s crazy to think that this adventure is almost over.”

And the world collectively uttered, “AMEN!”

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Forgo Card Fantasy Suite One
Nicki
Nicki adjusts the buttons on her purple coat, gushes at the charming geese in her path and reminds the viewing audience that she totally dropped the “L” bomb on Groban when they were making out on her Ralph Lauren comforter back home in Texas. She is super excited to see what the day has in store for her and becomes visibly and audibly excited that she has the opportunity to take her second helicopter ride with Groban.

The chopper spins and whizzes down the side of the snow covered mountains, dipping and diving close to dangerous rocky terrain. Groban looked like he was distracted. We’re unsure if it was Nicki’s pending curb-kicking or motion sickness. I found it hilarious.

How sad that the question of Groban’s likelihood of blowing chunks was the most interesting thing I had written in my notes. We’re only 30 minutes in and I’m already done.

The pilot literally lands on the edge of a cliff and the pair picnic in the most beautiful, scenic environment I’ve ever seen on this show. It looked like a screensaver. The moment wasn’t even ruined for me when Nicki managed to bring up her divorce again in the midst of reiterating her love for Groban in case he forgot. The mood was squelched when they started yelling “HELLO” to the top of their lungs, but it was easily mitigated by pressing the mute button.

Groban dips a toe outside the grey pool and shows up to dinner in a dark blue shirt and jeans. His hair is still special. Nicki wears a white top, jeans and funky scarf. Before they finish their appetizers at their dinner in a log cabin, Nicki professes her love once more before following up with the ever popular, “How many kids do you want to have?”

Groban answers “four” while fumbling to present the forgo card to this sure thing.

Nicki: “It’s been a year and a half since my husband and I were separated.”
Groban: “You had a husband?”

Nicki: “This isn’t something I take lightly. But I will take it lying down.”

Ba dum bump. I’m here all week folks.

Groban leads Nicki to the fantasy suite just as the ABC intern was lighting the last of the huge box of candles purchased from Ye Old Candle Shop in the quaint village. He pours her some wine and she continues to open up about her family and how he will be a perfect fit. He sticks his tongue down her throat to stop the madness before ushering her into the bathroom where the garden tub gives off a disturbing, blue glow, inviting the couple into its completely nuclear yet completely safe waters. Ah Central Europe. So oddly trendy…so…odd.

Forgo Card Fantasy Suite Two
Lindzi
ABC arranges for Groban and Lindzi to free fall down into a gorge on their date.

1. They did not free fall. It took them an hour to slowly lower themselves down a rope.
2. It made me think of this:

3. And then this:

Remember when Tom Cruise and John Mayer weren’t in your d-bag category? At least Cruise is making some sort of a comeback. Ghost Protocol was actually a really good movie. I will wait to put him on probation until after Rock of Ages hits the big screen. Mayer? He might be a lifer. I’m just saying.

How sad that the question of Cruise and Mayer’s doucheyness was the most interesting thing I had written in my notes? We’re 60 minutes in and only two girls down. How is there an entire hour left in this show?

You know what else was irritating? The fact that Lindzi clearly didn’t consult the handy weather app on her iPhone before showing up to the gorge with only a long-sleeved t-shirt. SHE’S CLEARLY FREEZING! Her nips are about to cut holes through her tee Groban. Would it kill you to pull off one of your charcoal layers and lend the girl your coat? Let her borrow one of your gloves or something. Geez. Chivalry is dead.

After shimmying into protective harnesses and strapping on dorky camera helmets, Groban and Lindzi hang over the edge and inch their way down to the waiting ground 300 feet below. Being Groban, he stopped mid-way so he could kiss her for luck or stamina or tradition or encouragement or whatever. “WHO CARES?” I yelled as we sang Happy Birthday to Carrie, cut her cake, ate the cake, washed the dishes and then painted each other’s toes. If I didn’t personally witness the lackluster rose ceremony, I would have assumed they are still hanging above the gorge to this day. WHAT CAN SAVE US FROM THIS EPISODE I ASK YOU?!?!

The answer is black, baby lambs. How cute?!?! I wish they would have sat and played with the baby lambs all day long instead of going to dinner in matching grey ensembles.

And then there was the bow tie. If you’re wondering, no…he can’t pull it off. Not even a little bit.

I miss Ames.

They talk about being vulnerable and walls coming down and the possibility of looking like a fool. She likes that she can be honest. He likes that she’s opening up.

Speaking of opening up, he drops the forgo card on her plate. (Tacky. I know. Sorry.) Lindzi takes a moment to confess that she would never spend the night with someone she didn’t know very well but she’s willing to make an exception. Groban takes her to a château down the street.

Lindzi: “It’s like a fantasy!”
Groban: “Hence the name.”

They waste no time and take it straight to the bedroom and get horizontal. That’s when every watching party around the nation paused to get a good look at what appeared to be Lindzi, pantless, with Groban on top of her. My group determined her leg/foot region had somehow Cirque du Soleil contorted itself up under her butt and gave the illusion that we were all privy to the inner workings of her nether regions. It didn’t help that the next shot showed the same position, but from a different angle in which a column had been conveniently placed in front of the questionable topography. The moral of the story is that this was a very Cinemax-isque moment. I half expected sleazy soft porn music to play as Groban knowingly shut the door in the camera man’s face.

Only 45 minutes to go.

Forgo Card Fantasy Suite Three
Courtney
Groban has been told that he needs to address the fact that Courtney has been super mean to all the other contestants. They take a train ride that transports them to another enchanting part of the darling country, purchase some cheese and chocolate and have a picnic in the middle of a stranger’s dairy farm. Courtney points to some majestic mountains in the distance. Groban refrains from admitting that he stood on those exact mountains two days ago with Nicki because he has other business to take care of…an enticing game of “HEY COW!”

Rules: Simply shout, “HEY COW” and if the cow looks at you, you win.

Ironically, Courtney was not a winner. Not so ironically, I ran out of my beverage of choice at this precise moment. Help. Me.

Groban pours her some wine in a dirty glass as she drones on about garden gnomes for some reason while constantly pulling at her own hair. Sensing that he’s about to get serious, she begins to build her defense before he can get a word out.

Court: “I feel bad about how I treated the girls. I hope it doesn’t affect the way you feel about me.”
Groban: “I had concerns. You know, I’m close with my Mom and sister. They are females. Will you have a problem with them?”

Court: “HEY COW!”
Groban: “Good one.”

Later at dinner, the subject of Courtney being a mean girl comes up yet again. She playfully dodges the question and promises to be on better behavior in the future. She reminds him that she’s A MODEL and that she handles jealous women all the time. Especially when she’s at a swim suit shoot.

Well played Black Widow. Groban nervously hands Courtney the date card, hoping that she’ll want to recreate skinny dipping in Switzerland, except there won’t be any ocean water because they’ll be inside where it’s warm. Naturally, Courtney turns the tables and asks Groban what he thinks about Our Host Chris Harrison’s suggestion that they forgo their individual suites. He’s begging for her to join him in a matter of seconds.

They adjourn and somehow manage to squish both of their bodies into a hot tub built for one. Groban makes out with her neck as Courtney mentally counts the number of remaining days she has to play the role of smitten fake girlfriend with an affection for wine makers in slate hues.

FINALLY! BRING ON HARRISON AND THE ROSE CEREMONY!

Just kidding. It wouldn’t be the Bachelor unless they took at least 20 minutes to pimp out their next installment of their wacky franchise. Let’s check in with Emily!

She’s still cute. She’s still young. She’s still a single mom. And she’s still looking for love. What better way to find it than on the show that the average viewer assumed repulsed her only a few months ago? And who to better introduce her to the life and style of a Bachelorette than Ashley and Ali!

What in the world?

Ali is still billed as the fun, girl-next-door who is totally confident and equally comfortable in bright yellow tanks and royal blue yoga pants. She’s so laid back that she can wear a pony tail, very little makeup and not have a care in the world. But we all know she’s secretly feeling like the odd man out. Especially since she broke up with Roberto. Ten bucks says she shows up on the Bachelor Pad.

Ashley has unwisely given up the bangs, but stuck with the brunette hair. She’s the tiny pocket person who looks like a 12-year-old dressed as a person attending a rave. How unfortunate that her wardrobe must be procured from Build-A-Bear? It’s all very disturbing. Even with her four-inch heels on, she’s the shortest of the bunch.

The ladies take Emily to a boutique and drink mimosas as she tries on different clothes. Then they all talk about nothing as three trendy women do their makeup. Finally, they emerge from the boutique in short, tight cocktail dresses. The limo takes them to Paramount Studios for a private screening of Titanic in 3-D.

This had to be the most random filler ever concocted by the suits over at the alphabet network. It was ridiculous at best.

Ashley: “This is such a good movie. We are so lucky to be here. In our Spanx, tight fitting dresses and killer heels.”
Emily: “I can totally work these glasses.”
Ali: “I just want a story like this for you Emily.”

Right. Falling in love with a boy from the opposite sides of the tracks only to experience sudden disaster that puts both of your lives in danger in which you are sucked down into the frigid waters of the sea before managing to hoist yourself onto a floating door as you promise to never let go of your frozen beloved before ultimately doing just that? Hasn’t Emily suffered enough?

FINALLY! BLATANT PRODUCT PLACEMENT FOR PARAMOUNT IS OVER! BRING ON HARRISON AND THE ROSE CEREMONY!

Oooooooooffffff course not. We have to sit through Kacie B.’s return. Please make it stop.

Kacie B. fixes her hair, knocks and is greeted by an enchanting, “HOLY BLEEP!” as Groban opens the door. She waltzes into his suite, apologizing for traveling halfway around the world to get some closure.

In a nutshell, Kacie B. says that she felt like she was in shock and didn’t get a good explanation as to why Groban chose to shun her and her parents at the last rose ceremony.

Groban: “We were worlds apart. I couldn’t give you everything you needed. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just didn’t see you at the end. It was my way of protecting you.”
KB: “What makes my parents happy doesn’t always make me happy.”

Groban just stares at her. Then he says he “guesses” he’s sorry.

What a tool.

Kacie B. knows that this bird ain’t gonna fly, so she goes for broke and tells him that if he chooses Courtney, he WILL get his heart broken. He stares at her again and mumbles, “okay” before telling her he doesn’t know what else to say.

Thanks for coming Kacie.
I’m sorry you’re hurt Kacie.
Where’s your baton Kacie?
Would you like to ride home with Nicki?

Take your pick dude.

Sweet Kacie decides that the best way to process being kicked out of Groban’s life twice is to wallow on the hotel floor, right there in the hallway, and have a panic attack. What is it with girls named Kacie/Casey and their tendency to incorporate unhygienic practices into their walks of rejection? Get it together girls. Germs are here…and real. Just ask Gangster Emily.

I’m almost too cautious to hope for a Harrison spotting and the rose ceremony. But it finally came. Groban is a confused mess. Harrison does his best “look concerned” face as he details the last 24-hours of his life. Harrison asks if Groban wants Kacie B. to be in the rose and before he can say “ceremony” Groban has barked out a solid, “NO!” He refrains from rolling his eyes and leaves Groban alone with his grey suit to wrangle the ladies.

Nicki’s wearing a toga. Take a moment to process that bit of information.

Groban thanks the ladies for opening up (gross) to him this week and then apologizes for breaking the heart of someone he’s truly learned to like. He gives roses to Lindzi and Courtney and then escorts Nicki to the foyer, afraid that if they stop on the steps outside, she’d be attacked and killed.

Groban: “This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. Banging a model.”
Nicki: “My fear is that you’ll be hurt. BE CAREFUL. I LOVE YOU!!!!”

Now. It’s time for the quiz. Everyone take out a piece of notebook paper and a number two pencil. You have five minutes to complete the following:

1. Which article of clothing did you find most attractive on Groban?
A. The grey t-shirt
B. The slate Levis
C. The granite coat
D. The smoky tie
E. None of the above. I sometimes miss and definitely prefer Ames’ red chinos.

2. At what point in Switzerland did Groban almost throw up?
A. When the helicopter went straight down the side of a mountain while he was with Nicki on their date.
B. When he went repelling down the side of a mountain while he was with Lindzi on their date.
C. When Courtney played mind games with him and there was a moment he thought she would forgo the forgo card opportunity.
D. When Kacie B. came back and told him the Courtney was “in it to win it.”
E. When Our Host Chris Harrison sent word that he wouldn’t be able to deliberate before the rose ceremony, only to show up moments later shouting, “SYKE!”

3. What was Our Host Chris Harrison thinking about while debriefing with Groban?
A. “Remember to look concerned.”
B. “I wonder if the ABC intern refilled my boot flask?”
C. “I’ve got to land this plane. Soon.”
D. “I’ll give him $10,000 to consult my personal stylist and go shopping.”
E. “Next time, I’m insisting the studio flies Roberto out to meet me.”

4. Which describes the ideal hot tub scenario for Groban?
A. One that is the size of a wine barrel.
B. One that appears to be a bath tub with questionable glowing blue water.
C. One that actually has jets that circulate bubbles.
D. He doesn’t care. There are half naked chicks sitting in his lap.
E. Any hot tub that includes his good buddy Constantine.

5. True or False: Someone loaned Groban a flat iron for his hair.

6. Who did you predict the mysterious woman would be who crashed Room 414?
A. You knew it was Kacie B. from the legs.
B. You thought it could be Ashley coming back to give Ben advice.
C. Shawntel can’t take a hint and thinks the odds are forever in her favor.
D. Courtney is on the prowl for some fun in Switzerland with an outfit that involves naughty lederhosen.
E. The ABC intern lost a bet.

7. What was the most cliche moment from last night’s episode?
A. Conquering a fear of heights…again.
B. Comparing the fact that you can “see forever” on top of a mountain to “seeing yourself forever with this man.”
C. Groban pretending he had a hard time deciding whether or not to give The Model a rose.
D. Recommending a drinking game corresponding with the amount of times Courtney touches her hair.
E. Nicki’s toga dress at the rose ceremony.

8. True or False: Lindzi’s pants were forgone in the forgo card fantasy suite.

9. What was the most “special” part about the promo for Emily’s upcoming season of The Bachelorette?
A. Ali’s signature yellow tank top, blue yoga pants.
B. Ashley wearing a skirt purchased from Build-A-Bear.
C. Going to see Titanic in cocktail dresses and four-inch heels.
D. The fact that we had to watch them get dressed in cocktail dresses and four-inch heels to go see Titanic in 3-D.
E. The retro 3-D glasses.

10. Who will Groban propose to in two weeks?
A. Courtney
B. Lindzi
C. Neither
D. Constantine
E. Who cares?

You all receive an A+ for putting up with such nonsense. Congratulations! Next week is the Women Tell All episode in which Harrison asks simple questions to a roomful of media seeking 20-somethings and just sits back and watches as the insanity unfolds. I was fortunate enough to be invited to the taping as a member of the media (CRAZY, HUH?) and have all sorts of inside scoop that I’m ready to share!

Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee