‘The Bachelor’ recap: Like a virgin — topless for the very first time (today)
I’m not sure if you caught this tidbit of information from last night’s episode of The Bachelor: Ashley I-Lashes is a virgin. There were other happenings around the mansion, but the subject of virginity was 70-percent of the show. Ironically, the word “virgin” was never used in front of the bachelor until the rose ceremony. Ashley I-Lashes eluded, yet never specifically talked about her v-card before that moment. As a result, The Farmer was totally confused. Perhaps her denim panties, magic wish-granting belly charm, swallowing his face when making out, and whipping off her string bikini at the lake stumped him a bit.
By the way, she’s totally cool with being a virgin. It’s no big deal. But denying her a fairytale princess date? Watch out corn boy. She may punch you in the trachea.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
FIRST GROUP DATE
“Let’s do what feels natural.”
The girls squeal with delight at the sound of their names and wonder if this means that they will be going without makeup. Kelsey snorts in haughty derision at the thought of some of these girls surviving without their hair extensions and lip gloss. Cut to Ashley I-Lashes clipping in her hair extensions and shoving her lip gloss in the crevice of her ample bosom. They caravan to the lake in convertibles, strip down to their string bikinis, and in no time, Ashley I-Lashes discards the top half of her patriotic swimwear.
I assume her stars-and-stripes bikini is made from an actual American flag. That’s why she couldn’t get it wet. She was protecting the material from the elements. She must be a Daughter of the American Revolution or something. The Farmer salutes her patriotic gesture before quickly jumping into the water.
Moments later, Kaitlyn ditches her bottoms and my mind races again.
Lake water + wide open spaces = parasites = major diarrhea = Lincee laughing = I can only hope.
Also, KEEP YOUR SWIMSUIT ON LADIES. The most attractive accessory on a woman is class — not a black modesty box. What do you think this is? Halloween? Spring Break at Daytona? An ABC reality show about dating?
Kelsey is disgusted by the flashing of semi-nudity around her and declares that this is a date for bimbos. As her words still linger in the air, a bee stings her near the crotch. How the ABC Intern managed that perfect timing is beyond me. He deserves a raise.
Once everyone is finished taking off various swimsuit pieces to “go for a swim” without getting their hair or face wet, everyone scrambles up to the beach to play a rousing game of Red Rover.
Red Rover, Red Rover: Let the virgin come over.
Red Rover, Red Rover: Let the fetus come over.
Red Rover, Red Rover: Let crotch sting come over.
Red Rover, Red Rover: Let mentally-ill-yet-somehow-still-on-this-show come over.
After flailing a plethora of boobs, butts, and belly charms into each other’s arms, the alcohol takes a toll on our Red Rover participants and The Farmer senses that this is the perfect time to tell everyone that they will be camping. All night long! Karamu!
Kelsey looks like she’d rather have a well woman exam. Kaitlyn high fives The Farmer for being totally awesome. Mackenzie is stoked because the one time she was invited camping, she had a final that next day and had to miss out. Melrose mentally checks out for a bit because the voices in her head are having too much fun, so she joins them.
Kaitlyn continues to dominate the prep portion of this camping date by putting up her tent first. The sexual innuendos were flying like crazy, with discussions of putting poles in holes, slipping things in, and how hard it is. Michael Scott would have had a field day.
The one person who still isn’t having any fun is Kelsey, and the ladies are beginning to think that she’s not there for the right reasons. Apparently, she fake smiles and fake laughs when The Farmer is around, and then she goes back to her annoying self. That coupled with the fact that Mackenzie is seriously concerned about being abducted by an alien, I can see why the whiskey flowed so freely. This does not bode well for our favorite crazy friend.
Melrose: What are you?
The Farmer gives a blank stare, as we all would.
Melrose: Do you feel that?
Lincee: THIS IS IT! SHE STUCK A SHIV IN HIS SIDE! HE’S BEEN SHANKED!
It wasn’t a shiv. It was definitely something imaginary or something from her mind that she was trying to pass along to him through telepathy. Nevertheless, #5 Melrose leans in for a kiss while The Farmer is in mid-sentence, #7 Melrose tells him she is in love with everything about him, and that she hopes that resonates in his mind. Then #11 Melrose commands him not to say anything.
Ashley I-Lashes carefully prepares (as much as one can without a mirror) for her one-on-one time. She reapplies some gloss, combs out the tarantula legs, and sidles up next to The Farmer so she can tell him how she never likes guys (except him), and that she never crushes (except with him), and something about a unibrow and being dumb. The quick open and shut motions of her makeout session reminded me of a guppy. The Farmer comes up for air and smiles at Ash Lash before handing the date rose over to Kaitlyn.
Lash of the Ash is convinced that drastic measures need to be taken in order to be noticed. She is officially ready to give her “The More You Know” speech. She shimmies into The Farmer’s tent and tells him that she’s never had a boyfriend because inside she is a nerd and is inexperienced in every way possible. She mounts his leg at the same time she regales him of her innocence. The Farmer admits that “he gets her” as she pushes him horizontal. DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR FLOWER ASHLEY!
Ash Lash: It seemed to me that he got it. I didn’t say the word virgin, but he can probe that area later on if he wants.
Lincee: Really Ashley? It’s like you want me to make fun of you.
As Ashley I-Lashes made it through the wilderness with the others, the remaining ladies were interviewed by The Farmer’s three sisters. Clearly, the ladies in this group are the select few who have the potential to be his wife, otherwise The Farmer would have invited them to play Simon Says by the lake. Am I projecting? I found it odd that the entire house wasn’t interviewed. Didn’t you?
The sisters arrive and someone is nice enough to notify Jillian, who somehow managed to fall asleep both partially in and out of the pool. She stumbles into the sunken living room with crazy hair, inflatable mattress marks on her cheek, sweaty and drooling with her modesty black boxes in tow. The sisters greet the girls and take them one-by-one for a visit.
Carly cries because boys have always treated her nasty. Whitney vows she is in this to win this. Britt self-proclaims that she is the front runner. Becca promises to go anywhere The Farmer may lead. And Jade pimps her organic cosmetic company before hinting that she’s from Nebraska, which as they know, shares a border with Iowa.
The date card arrives later that afternoon. The fact that it is a shimmery gold color sends everyone over the edge, even before Whitney reads Jade’s name on the card. She is going to a ball! And Prince Farming has no idea she’s the chosen one!
The camping date participants arrive and Britt fills them in on the gorgeous gold envelope before dropping the “Jade is going on a Princess date” bomb that sends Ashley I-Lashes over the edge.
Ash: I always dress like a princess. Let me go get my other hair extensions so I can fix my hair like Jasmine. If I’m looking for a homeless, dark skinned thief, I rock a midriff. If I’m in the mood for more of an aggressive monster-type, I have this Belle costume I scored in the naughty section of Party City last October. People tell me I am a Disney princess. That comes up ALL the time.
Suddenly, a lady with spiky pink do busts through the mansion door. She’s accompanied by an entourage of hair, makeup, and wardrobe people who whisk Jane into a huge room on the first floor. The decision to prep Jade in the mansion with the rest of the girls watching, instead of at an LA boutique, was a stroke of GENIUS! Pinkie shows Jade dozens of dresses, fabulous shoes, and boxes upon boxes of diamonds from Uncle Neal. Every five seconds, Pinkie tells Jade, “You get to keep these!”
If looks could kill, Jade would be six feet under and Ash would be singing along with tiny mice, birds and her other woodland friends who help her get dressed. While Ashley takes a moment to deal with the literal pain in her heart, ABC cuts to a clip from its new Cinderella movie, featuring Rose from Downton Abbey.
Jade finishes getting dressed, leaves in a white Rolls Royce, and meets Prince Farming at the ball. You can tell he was excited that his sisters picked Jade. She will go far.
They eat, both share the fact that they have both been engaged once before, they laugh, he hands her the rose, and then they dance as an orchestra plays the score to the Cinderella movie. It was a waltz. They were not waltzing. Did this bother anyone else? And why did they blur out her back tat when she ran away as the clock struck midnight? PS: You know the producers asked her to “pretend” to lose her shoe on the steps. Like Cinderella, Jade knows that a good pair of shoes can change everything. She wasn’t giving up those Louboutins!
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Ashley has resorted to having a ball of her own. You see, she had a princess dress on standby, should the need arise. The producers stoke the fire a bit and give her a cob of corn to gnaw on in her designer duds. I’m not sure if this was supposed to be symbolic of shucking, or straight up making fun of her for being such a diva. Keep your chin up Princess Ashley. Or your crown will fall off.
SECOND GROUP DATE
“Let’s get dirty.”
Carly is wearing a romper. Go ahead and let that sink in for a minute.
She reads the names off the date card and then shows the girls a pile of big white boxes. Upon opening, each one pulls out a wedding dress that fits their particular personality. Once again, Jillian’s features her two favorite colors: short and tight. Whitney’s is reserved, but shows just enough skin to be sexy. Carly’s was copied from a wedding cake topper. Britt’s was long and slinky. Becca’s was conservative, yet strapless. And THREES had “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” monogrammed on the train.
The girls are dropped off at a mud race course. They are going to simultaneously have fun and raise awareness for the National MS Society. Whoever powers through the mud and the muck and reaches the finish line first wins a one-on-one date with The Farmer.
Within the first two minutes, Jillian is half a mile ahead of her closest competition. She leaps over gaps and dodges big balls with ease, as if she’s has done this before. Carly and Whitney fall desperately behind, as Britt and THREES try to close the gap. I found it interesting that The Farmer (who was also participating in the mud run) kept his pace with Becca. Knowing that Jillian was going to secure the one-on-one date, he made sure he had an entire obstacle course worth of quality time with Becca. She will go far too, I think.
The Farmer takes Jillian to a romantic dinner on a rooftop, overlooking the lights of LA. He asks her where she sees herself in five years? Answer: she doesn’t know. Whoopsie. What she does know is that she’s super into training, and was able to win her first fitness meet without even trying. She’s also gets her dirty humor from her father. Oh, you need an example? Okay. Here’s an icebreaker question she asked The Farmer during dinner:
Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl or abstain from sex for five years.
At this revelation, The Farmer picks up the rose and tells Jillian that they have zero chemistry. She attempts to back pedal, but that “do-over” card was already given to Kimberly in week one. Sorry! Jillian cries a little bit, unsure of how to handle the rejection. She does a few pushups to work out the adrenaline coursing through her body and then peaces out.
The ladies prepare for the rose ceremony with face spritzing, princess dress adjusting, and push-up bra lifting. The Farmer enters the room and gives the obligatory, “I’m serious about this business” speech before settling in with his whiskey cocktail.
Megan grabs him first. She seductively pulls out a tie from her cleavage (lots of things are stored in cleavage this season) and I’m waiting for the 50 Shades of Grey promo that surely is about to follow. It doesn’t. Instead, she fetches a plate of fruit and encourages him to use his senses to figure out what kind of food she’s feeding him. You know, taste, smell, and those other ones. Remember, this is the girl who put on his motorcycle helmet and rammed her head into walls, so, the fact that she got two of the five is fairly impressive.
Chris finishes up Megan’s fruit plate and is immediately whisked away by Princess Ashley. She is now unconvinced that The Farmer knows she is a virgin. So instead of telling him, she asks, “What did you gather from our tent conversation?”
The ever eloquent Farmer replies, “I am looking forward to whatever it is that you say and I want to know more because you are more conservative than you come across?”
The Princess blurts out that she’s a virgin. The Farmer admits that he “didn’t see that coming.”
Ash: I’ve been waiting for the right person. Some people guess I’m a virgin. Some don’t.
Farmer: How do they guess?
Lincee: Because all Disney Princesses are virgins. Everyone knows this. Snow White may have lived with seven men, but she just cleaned their cottage. Nothing more.
The Farmer tells Ash that he respects her for her decision. Then she goes to the other girls to complain that he didn’t kiss her after finding out. Now she has TOO MUCH respect.
Carly: I’ve seen her kiss The Farmer 97 times. Her mouth is definitely not a virgin.
Mackenzie tells Princess Ashley to calm down. Becca’s a virgin too! She just doesn’t go around confusing him by flaunting her boobs and magical belly charms in his direction. This seems to assuage Ashley’s anxiety.
Britt decides to take a different tactic. She becomes “that girl” who brings up the other contestants in the house, before questioning The Farmer’s intentions. Britt “heard” that certain campers were topless and bottomless and offers to share some gossip that several other girls were on the verge of going home (there’s no way this is true) and she wants to know why that kind of behavior was validated by a date rose?
The Farmer hems and haws through a poorly constructed answer. Britt crosses over the line by admitting that “several” have been questioning his integrity.
You can make fun of his laugh, his non-existent upper lip, and his lack of waltzing skills, but NO ONE will question his integrity. He marches into the cocktail party, tells anyone who has a problem exactly where the exit interviews are being held and heads off with Harrison to discuss the after party rendezvous point.
Roses go to:
THREES, Juelia, Jillian and Melrose are sent home.
Before she leaves, #2 Melrose gives The Farmer a reassuring “namaste” and he pulls her into a hug, whispering in her ear, “Take care of yourself.” We can only assume this is a literal request for her to physically take care of whatever is going on inside of that head of hers.
During her exit interview, #17 Melrose admits that she feels nothing. Clearly, that’s the pain killers talking, but she assures us through several “squirrel” moments, that we shouldn’t worry about her.
#33 Melrose: All I have to say to you Chris is…
That message was sent subliminally, but I have a guess as to what she was trying to convey. According to scenes from next week’s episode, she has officially passed the freak flag along to Kelsey of all people, who appears to crack under the pressure.
Stay weird Austin.
I’m sending those of you in the northeast sunshine and love from Texas. Hang in there. Whatever you do, don’t let Juno win.
And I apologize for the tardiness of this recap. Let’s just say that it was a day, but don’t worry about me. I’ve adjusted my crown and I’m off to find my Prince Charming so we can get married tomorrow!
All about the shame, not the fame,