I’ve watched The Bachelor for all 17 seasons. The producers love tradition. Variations of most contestants and dates can easily be repeated year after year, and we’ve grown to expect and anticipate what’s in store as we all sit down to watch this train wreck of a show.

But every season has its own quirk and I have to give it up to the producers for insisting that each week, viewers must suffer through the opening 60-second montage of Sean working out in the gym. It’s fascinating how sweaty one shirtless guy can get in that short amount of time, but rituals such as these are important in order to maintain the integrity of the show. Keep the tradition alive, Sean. Maybe do some curls next week. Or some sit ups? Since I’m a fan of abs, I’d totally tweet about it. Bonus for you!

With that said, the remaining 119 minutes of the show consisted of a long list of “firsts” for The Bachelor. Sure, some of the details may have been familiar, but there were several inaugural moments Sean introduced that had me both cheering and/or screaming at my television screen and hiding mortified behind my couch cushion.

Which, of course, is totally normal for me. ON WITH THE RECAP!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you linked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people

The person in charge of putting Our Host Chris Harrison in blue shirts should be given a raise. Just a thought.  The Hare runs through his spiel, explaining that there will be two single dates, a group date and alas…some ladies will be stuck at home with nothing left to do than manipulate the integrity of the spiral staircase banister. He pulls the card from his back pocket (again…lucky card) before Selma reads aloud that Lesley is the lucky recipient of the first one-on-one, which is super convenient since she’s totally ready to take this relationship to the next level.

What does one wear when taking this relationship to the next level? Why a short, pink lace backless cocktail dress of course! Sporting a token v-neck and workout shorts, Sean encourages Lesley to play the guessing game to see if she has any clue where they may be going on their date. Because she’s not a complete door knob, Lesley wisely guesses “somewhere on a jet” and “a picnic in a vineyard” as I scream “HOT TUB” and “TO BLANDLY DANCE AS AN OBSCURE BAND WHO HAS AN ALBUM DROPPING ON ITUNES THIS WEEK PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND!”

We were both wrong.  But neither Lesley nor I would ever dream that Sean would take her to the Guinness World Record Museum on Hollywood Boulevard. Even after learning that Sean’s dad, his friend and super hot brother-in-law (did we see him at the home town dates last year?) set a world record driving through 48 states in 97 hours, I began to feel sorry for Les for getting the lame date that was Plan B because the cooler adventure fell through.

As they made their way through a door, I saw something that made the entire ordeal make sense.

Harrison in a vest. HARRISON IN A VEST! Hot. Hot. Hot.

Apparently, Sean and Lesley will be vying for a position as one half of the couple who holds the longest on-screen kiss. Therefore, we have to watch the love birds make out for three minutes and 16 seconds. To spice it up, ABC gives us three different angles marking the record breaking event. We get to see their lips up close in camera one, Harrison masterfully working the crowd in camera two and a wide shot of the couple in camera three. After taking the obligatory eighth-grade dance stance (ARIE! WE NEED YOU AGAIN!), Sean and Lesley were mugging down with passion, but by minute one, they had resorted to just pressing their lips together. Kissing is hard, y’all. And trying to keep your shorty dress down over your money maker while making out with a boy for three-plus minutes is even harder. Whatever. THEY BREAK THE RECORD! CONFETTI CANNONS IGNITE! Celebrate good times. Come on.

After that special moment, Sean concludes that their first date is definitely one for the record books. Hardy, har, har Mr. Lowe. You’re punny. On the serious, he does feel that there is some chemistry and he wants to explore these feelings further in a futon on the top of the Roosevelt Hotel. Annnnnd there’s Lesley’s moneymaker again. Wow. It should get a credit at the end of the show. I feel like I know it personally now.

Lesley tells Sean that she was a nerd in high school and that she loves spending time with her family more than her friends. Clearly, this is Sean’s love language and he gives her bare a knee a squeeze with the hopes that she’ll take the bull by the horns and give him a kiss that can compete with their recent three minutes in heaven. She leans in and gives him a quick peck. He’s digging her. His words, not mine. I’m bothered that she can’t seem to hold eye contact, but not enough to write her off. He says he’s in it, she says she’s in it. The ABC intern helps them out of the futon so they can make out properly as the confetti cannon goes off again.

Huh. Must have been some special two-for-one deal at Party City. Is confetti the new statement necklace? We’ll have to see.

GROUP DATE
Kacie B
Robyn
Leslie H.
Kristy
Catherine
Des
Taryn
Amanda
Lindsay
Daniella
Jackie
Tierra

The girls are dropped off on a beach where Sean has traded in his trademark v-neck for a bright blue tank top. Immediately, the girls command that he take off that silly little tank and someone begins rubbing his chest as if she has baby oil or sunscreen, yet she does not. Awkward.

Speaking of something that was completely random and unnecessary, Our Host Chris Harrison has joined the motley crew wearing linen pants and a long-sleeve button-down shirt untucked.

What in the world? Isn’t this the perfect time for the Hare to rock a bathing suit? Perhaps a little wet suit action? I tweeted him, inquiring why he was so covered up for his trip to the beach. He said he wanted to wear a thong, but Mike Fleiss wouldn’t let him.  Check it out by clicking HERE.

Oh Harrison. Always the professional.

He tells the girls that the 12 of them will be divided into two groups of six and be forced to play volleyball. Six winners get the chance to have one-on-one time with Sean. According to Taryn, this volleyball game is the most important game in the history of volleyball and the only way to win is to not get distracted if your boob happens to pop out of your corporate sponsored bikini inspired by a picture of Rachel Hunter in a Spiegel catalog circa 1986.

Ironically, I never quite took the time to recognize and appreciate the corporate sponsor enough to know their name. I must have been distracted by all of the body paint and flailing limbs sprawled all over the sandy court. It should be simple really. Bump, set, spike. Yet, our bachelorettes were more of the slap, kick, punch variety and finishing the game before the sun set became the greater challenge. To say it was the worst television ever is an understatement. When the blue team finally won, I was mesmerized by the amount of legitimate crying that was happening on red team. Is it because they lost time with Sean? Perhaps Ford Model Kristy is embarrassed that she cried her false eyelashes off? Maybe her bandana was too tight? It could be because ABC made them ride in a van in nothing but their bikinis? We will never know.

What we do know is THIS is how to properly play a game of beach volleyball.

That will never, ever, get old.

The winners change into their trendiest party clothes, making sure at least 10 inches of thigh is showing, as they settle in the back yard of Sean’s bachelor pad. Lindsay manages to charm Sean on the stairway.

Lindsay: “Really. I want you to forget that whole wedding dress thing. I’m super normal. You are everything I’m looking for!”
Sean: “Great. I had no idea you had this sweet side. I like you too.”

Lindsay: “I feel chemistry. I feel biology. I feel physics.”
Sean: “If I kiss you, will you stop talking in a baby voice?”

Next up is Des. She feels blessed and lucky to be in such good graces with our bachelor. They meet on the wicker couch out back. Sean grabs her general butt area (another trademark of his) and she giggles before explaining to him that she is fun, but also emotional and even deep at times. Her arms are really tone too from rowing the creek every day.

During Amanda’s alone time, she begins by sharing that she has something serious to say. Sean prepares himself for the worst.

Amanda: “When you described what you were looking for in a woman, you described me.”
Sean: “Interesting. I can tell you have a genuine heart.”

Amanda: “If we were to get married, I would bring such a light and airy atmosphere.”
Sean: “So you feel meteorology?”

Meanwhile, Des can hear EVERYTHING Amanda is saying to Sean and a somewhat jealous attitude begins to rear its ugly head. She secretly calls Amanda creepy, figuring she and Jen Lindley would be totally BFFs. Unacceptable. Dawson Sean is her man.

Amanda: “I was able to show Sean a different side of me today.”
Des: “That’s true. You killed it on the court today.”
Amanda: “It has nothing to do with volleyball.”

OKAY CALM DOWN LADIES. Kacie B. is NOT having this drama and is so concerned for the well-being of the entire dynamic of the bachelorette mansion that she must go to Sean and tattle to him that Des and Amanda are at odds with each other and she is stuck in the middle without a hope in the world.

Kacie, Kacie, Kacie. As resident Bachelor historian of the group, surely you know before anyone that meddling in the business of your fellow contestants and then informing the man of your dreams about said resident crazies is the quickest way to be sent back to the band bus.

Kacie: “I’ve been caught between a rock and a hard spot. Des feels that there is something negative about Amanda. Since Des and I are friends, she confided in me.”
Sean: “Why do you care? They both seem fine.”

Kacie: “Because I’m stuck in the middle! I’m not a drama person.”
Lincee: “Said the dramatic person.”
Sean: “Again. Why do you care? I want you to act like normal Kacie. Not this crazy person I’m seeing right now.”

I think four of the six people at my house had to stand up and applaud at that last statement. TEAM SEAN!

Kacie: “My plan did not work.”
My friend Carrie: “Maybe you shouldn’t be planning things when you’re that drunk.”

Seriously. She could barely keep her eyes open when Sean handed the date rose to Lindsay and her chemistry. Bless her heart. She’s over tired.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
AshLee

Evil Tierra fetches the final envelope of the episode and triumphantly reads AshLee’s name. Then she reads Selma’s name and the life is sucked out of the sunken living room faster than Daniella pounding down her fifth cosmo of the evening.

“Just kidding!” she cackles as Selma picks her jaw off the floor while Sarah shouts, “UNCOOL TIERRA. UNCOOL.”

AshLee composes herself, changes into a dress appropriate for a bridesmaid luncheon and patiently waits for her v-neck clad date to arrive. Although we didn’t actually see the incident, we did hear Tierra apparently fall down the stairs. No word on whether she was pushed or sacrificed her body for the sake of love.

A burly young man bumbles into view to make sure she’s indeed breathing and not bleeding.  Sean arrives with a concerned look on his brow, inquiring if anyone recalled any signs of a concussion. He puts his hand on her butt region and waits as the paramedics finally arrive immediately issuing a neck brace. After she was strapped to a gurney, Tierra insisted that she be released from this pesky apparatus because she was fine.

Popping up off the ground, she rushed to the sanctuary of the gazebo only to be joined by Sean who rudely hung out with her instead of leaving on time for his one-on-one date with AshLee.

Once it’s clear that Tierra hasn’t sustained any life altering injuries, Sean whisks AshLee away in a Jeep (completely ruining her luncheon hair) and pulls in an amusement park parking lot, excited to see if she has some “kid” in her.

Dude. Who is in charge of telling these girls what to wear on their dates? Poor AshLee is stuck schlepping around super cool roller coasters in nothing but her shorty dress and wedge sandals. At one point, the audience is treated to a glimpse of her under carriage as she’s flying back and forth on that huge pirate boat ride. (This was both confirmed and discussed with Some Guy in Austin after the show. I believe the words “bachelorette” and “beaver” were used on his side of the conversation. Gross.  I’m sticking with under carriage.  It’s so much classier.  Sorry Mama.)

All unintentional flashing of the lady bits aside, Sean has decided to bring along two young girls who are members of a social network sponsored by Starlight Children’s Foundation. These sweet, darling girls share a disease, a love of music and a fascination with The Bachelor. They live states away from each other and are finally meeting to have a day where they can forget their illness and dance together to the musical stylings of the Eli Young Band.

Cue the water works. How adorable were these girls? How cool was this date? Could it be that we have substance? I can’t stand it.

Later, AshLee and Sean discuss families and she tells him that she was adopted. After many foster homes, at six-years-old her new Daddy told her he would tell her he loved her every single day. And he was right! She told Sean that she wasn’t bitter, or mad. In fact, she said she was the luckiest girl in the world. And Sean started to cry.

WHAT IS GOING ON? HAVE I ACCIDENTALLY SWITCHED TO THE BIGGEST LOSER OR EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER?

Sean says that AshLee’s positive attitude makes him admire her even more. So he gives her the rose and they go with the Starlight girls to dress up in old western outfits. AshLee wonders why they didn’t do this first. A hoop skirt at least will cover up the free peep show at the log ride. Geez.

ROSE CEREMONY
Sean wears a grey suit, blue shirt and black tie. Before Harrison can intervene with a unanimous PLEASE NO, Sean finds Sarah and takes her out to the driveway where the contents of an approaching limo will wash away all the hurt she feels from not receiving a date this week.

Enter Leo. Sarah’s dog. Who apparently doesn’t want to have anything to do with Sarah, but prefers a tattered tennis ball to any human being.

Yes dogs are cute and it sicked me out a little that he licked her in the mouth (the dog, not Sean) but I found this entire exchange extremely random.

Later, Tierra milks her faux fall for all it’s worth by complaining that her back hurts, but she’s going to press on for the sake of the journey. Sean assures her that she will get ample alone time…if she just sticks it out long enough. Before she can turn that statement into a flirty dirty innuendo, Des rows over to Dawson Sean and steals him away. This royally ticks off our physical therapy patient.

Des charms and kisses Pacey Sean before Tierra steals him back. Sean assures Des that he’ll return soon. This goes on forever among several of the women. Poor Des is still sitting on her little couch waiting for Prince Charming to return. He never does.  [I don’t wanna wait…]

Instead, he gets some one-on-one time with Kacie B. who immediately apologizes for being a drama queen fool the night before. Sean admits that their relationship took several steps in the wrong direction before politely escorting her back to the sunken living room upon hearing Harrison’s champagne flute calling of the contestants.

I blame Kacie B’s whack-a-do-ness on the wet suit dress with the DayGlo zipper and matching hair rubber band. I think her campaign for the next “Bachelorette” season has come to a halt, but her new found personality has Bachelor Pad written all over it.

Harrison reminds us that Lesley, AshLee and Lindsay have all secured roses and will be safe during the rose ceremony. Sean takes an epic-long pause before asking Kacie to join him outside. He takes the rose with him. Party foul.

He basically tells her thanks, but no thanks, puts her in an unmarked van and hands roses out to:

Tierra the Terrible
Leslie H.
Catherine
Daniella
Robyn
Selma
Sarah
Jackie
Amanda
Des

Kristy the Ford Model and Taryn are sent home. Neither make complete fools of themselves, but there are a few tears and a bit of snot.

It looks like next week will be a doozie! Tierra melts down in front of Sean, ROLLER DERBY and the token Pretty Woman date that always ends badly.

What do you guys think? Will Sean smell the crazy on Tierra? Should we tell her that “fakeness” is not a word? Will someone break a bone or rupture a spleen when whipped around the corner at the Derby? Will Sean taste the chocolate or taste the chocolate? Sound off in the comments section.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee