Bachelor Recap: No Juan Needs To Know
There are 11 girls left and Juan Pablo is committed to keeping his eyes open and alert during this journey. He’ll need to in order to figure out who is a good fit, but also because there’s no telling what lurks in the murky greenish/brown water in Viet Nam. We can’t worry about that now! It’s time to take it to the next level by hopping a cartoon plane and spitting dashes to the next destination.
SE YA LATER COOL LADIES OF 2NE1! Your name is so confusing, but quite clever once someone walked be through the phonics of it all. Keep K-Poppin’ in South Korea!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life Tris and Four like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
The women arrive at the Intercontinental in Hoi An. Kat climbs up the corner of the railing and assumes the position of Rose on a pseudo Titanic bow with an invisible Jack Dawson played by an invisible Juan Pablo. I found this king of the world moment a little odd since this tired improv typically takes place on an actual boat with an actual dude.
I was making a note to “write something funny about never letting go” when I noticed the pervasive use of the infinity scarf. Meet this season’s statement necklace ladies and gentlemen. The girls reflect on life, love and other mysteries, wearing their complimentary infinity scarves, in front of an infinity pool.
All the irony wasn’t lost on me.
Are We the Right Fit?
Renee is so thrilled to land this one-on-one that her palms hurt.
Renee: “You know when that happens, right? When you’re so in love? Your palms hurt?”
Lincee: “You’re cute Renee. You can say it. They sweat. Your palms sweat.”
Apparently, that’s not all that sweats on Renee because within minutes of greeting Juan Pablo in the delightful market square existing in most quaint towns, she’s dripping with perspiration. Even though she dressed like a normal person for the occasion (boat shoes, shorts, tank top tied in a throwback 80s knot on the side) she still looked hotter than balls. Are there no rubber bands in this country? Pony that hair up girl! You’ve got pit stains. There’s nothing to be afraid of now! Judgment has already been made and guess what? Juan Pablo doesn’t care. He has his own under-the-boob stains and he’s owning like Juan Pablo would. He’s Latin. Embrace the caliente and just be.
In fact, Juan Pablo thinks he and Renee have so much in common. They are both 32, both are single parents and both sweat profusely in tropical countries. They might as well pick out bridesmaid swatches now!
Instead, Juan Pablo petty cabs her to a dress maker’s shop and encourages her to pick out swatches for a tailor-made frock from Viet Nam. I personally loved this part of the date! It was a refreshing twist to the “Pretty Woman choose from all of these fancy dresses and meet me for dinner on the veranda” fancy dates.
I also liked that Juan Pablo was extremely present in the process. He didn’t just sit or roam around the shop. He made the appropriate inappropriate jokes when the lady measured Renee’s bust, waist and hips. When Renee literally flicked off a steady stream of sweat falling off her head, he ran across the street and bought a hand held fan and then FANNED HER.
Juan Pablo: “WE WILL PICK IT UP LATER. LATER? WE GO NOW AND GET DRESS LATER!”
1. The little Vietnamese lady doesn’t know what you’re saying Juan P.
2. Shouting doesn’t help.
3. You are adorable.
They leave the store and Juan Pablo suggests they buy souvenirs for Camila and Ben. She chooses an Asian sun hat for her son and then helps Juan Pablo pick out a dress for his daughter. It was sweet and very genuine.
Then they board a boat that never leaves the dock. My best guess is that it’s a floating bar. They talk about the day and their favorite parts. The camera constantly cuts to a talking head of Renee saying over and over and over again that she just can’t wait to kiss Juan Pablo, but she’s cool. Whatever. Cut to Juan Pablo saying that he’s not going to kiss her because of her kid, even though he’s kissed six girls, including one with a kid.
Makes all the sense in the world.
Later that night, Renee arrives in her pretty purple Vietnamese dress. Juan Pablo hubba hubba’s her straight to dinner where he asks about Ben’s dad. Renee explains that they grew up and grew apart, but they are friendly because of Ben. She couldn’t have maneuvered that sensitive subject any better. This is one classy lady. She’s worming her way to the top of my list, but I fear that this “I WANT TO KISS HIM” business might be her kiss of death.
Renee’s maturity and ability to respect her ex-husband is intriguing to Juan Pablo.
He leans in for a sensual kiss when…
Oh. My bad. He’s just blowing hot, Latin air on her face because she is MELTING FROM THE HEAT RIGHT NOW! She’s literally sweating through her dress shields. I hope she packed her travel deodorant in her clutch.
Dinner is followed by another grown-up conversation about dating as a single parent.
Renee: “Some people see my son as baggage. They don’t understand.”
Juan Pablo: “You can’t fight that. If that’s the way they feel, then fine. It’s their prerogative. If he doesn’t like it, he is welcome to go find a girl without a kid.”
Renee’s uterus, along with her palms, are now hurting. She wants to kiss this man. Kiss him bad.
He gives her the rose, kisses her on the side of the cheek and then takes her to push colorful lanterns into the water, claiming the entire time that he will not kiss her out of respect.
Can You Go with the Flow?
DAndi’s stank face tells reveals irritation that she has YET to score a one-on-one date. Because it’s sweltering outside, Chelsie ditched her swag bag infinity scarf and single handedly brings back the statement necklace of all statement necklaces.
The gaggle meets Juan Pablo at the edge of the scary looking river, where five circular bamboo boats await. Even though the integrity of the woven raft seemed to be secure, I would be willing to bet a hippopotamus could chomp that in half in one bite. SIGN ME UP! GET ME IN THAT WATER!
When Juan Pablo asks all the girls to pair up, it is Clare who is left standing alone. As the odd mean girl out, she’s given the coveted position of Juan Pablo’s partner. I’m willing to bet that this huge red flag did not go unnoticed by Juan Pablo, but the fact that Clare has zero friends who want to borrow her infinity scarf didn’t seem to deter our bachelor from sticking his tongue down her throat when their bamboo place mat of a boat got caught in the reeds.
Several thoughts streamed through my consciousness during this exchange.
1. SNAKES! WATCH OUT FOR SNAKES!
2. This is an unbecoming camera angle. Must we stare down the barrel of their crotches?
3. Juan Pablo sneaks a make out session with Clare while they are stuck. And he thinks no one will notice.
4. Yo Juan. You’re not wearing an invisibility cloak.
Clare and Juan Pablo arrive at the intimidating river’s edge, 30 minutes behind the rest of the group. A lot can happen in 30 minutes.
DAndi: “It’s the eight of us on a one-on-one date with Clare and Juan Pablo. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.”
Hold it together DAndi. You’re one of my favorites and I can’t have you cracking under the pressure. Breathe. Just breathe.
Meanwhile, Nurse Nikki and her gypsy head scarf have some RA time with Renee. They discuss roses, the immaturity of other women and how it’s silly to even think that she [Nikki] would not get a date rose.
Meanwhile, Chelsie delivers the best line of the night: “Me and Alli are having a really romantic morning!” I think I should clarify that Alli is the one you get confused with DAndi. Regardless, I laughed out loud at that statement.
Juan Pablo pretends to coerce a local villager to let a rando Venezuelan and his harem join the man and his family for lunch. They are each given a straw Asian hat, a bowl and a knife and then escorted out back to an enormous garden. They have to pick their own produce and everyone except Cassandra thinks this is the crappiest date ever.
Listen ladies. It’s times like these that you should swallow that undignified comment just bursting to issue forth from your mouth and look for the silver lining.
Farmers are hot. As evidenced by this clip:
DAndi lugs her bamboo basket of basil toward Juan Pablo and slumps down by his side. She’s on the verge of whining about how haaaaaaarrrrrrrddddd it is to be on group dates when he turns on the charm. She’s putty in his hands by the fourth whisper of sweet Latin nothings in her ear. This is the second time he’s talked her down in a relatively short amount of time. Girl needs to step away from the ledge and be the confident woman I know she can be!
I try to spy Danielle among the bushels of rice patties, wondering if she’s secretly studying Juan Pablo’s charisma. You know that girl is going to totally ace her thesis on “An In-Depth, Up Close and Personal Experiment on Machismo As Witnessed By This Psychiatric Nurse.” The ladies all join the random family around a huge table to enjoy the fruits of their hard work. Everyone passes food around and most are polite, tasting the dishes and giving compliments to the chef. Only one refuses. I bet you can guess which one.
Juan Pablo: “Our random Vietnamese host is wondering why you aren’t eating?”
Clare: “I’m totally eating. I hate that kernel of white rice. And then some brown rice.”
Be nice Clare. Try the food so you don’t hurt the random family’s feelings who sort of welcomed you into their global garden for a day of free labor. As someone who once choked down donkey tongue in Kazakhstan, IT COULD BE WORSE.
When we arrive at the dinner party, Juan Pablo grabs Clare first to the eye rolls and death stares from the other girls.
Clare: “Today was perfect. I like trying new things.”
Juan Pablo: “Like the time you ate a bite of mango and then spit it out in your napkin?”
Clare: “You totally get me.”
Juan Pablo leads her to another part of the resort so they can try something else new together. His private pool attached to his apartment.
WHAT IN THE WORLD?
I became a little irate at this point. THIS IS NOT RIGHT. Why would he suggest they go swimming in his pool when there are eight other girls just hanging out downstairs? Did someone set a timer or tap him on the shoulder to say he had been sucking face for an hour with Clare who refuses to get her hair wet because, as a stylist, she knows the damage that chlorine can do? Uncool J to the P. Uncool.
Juan Pablo finally wanders back to the party and takes Opera down to the water’s edge. She plays him like a fiddle, acting surprised when he shares that he has been dying to see her. She says something about being a panda in a room full of brown bears that confused me for a moment, but I found my way back when she started to make him work for the kiss. Her teasing was intense, but he LOVED it.
DAndi is back with her stank face. She needs to tighten up. That’s no game face, girl.
Juan Pablo also takes her down to the beach where they choose not to get to know one another, canoodle and kiss instead. You can imagine her surprise when Clare gets the date rose for not being afraid to step out of her comfort zone.
The girls all settle in a holding area to talk about their feelings. No one seems to notice that Clare sneaks off to Juan Pablo’s front door. She knocks and in her best baby voice, tells him that there’s one more “first time” thing she would like to do, and that’s swim in the ocean.
Since the hair stylist is from CALIFORNIA, I call BS on this statement. Perhaps she meant international oceans or scary oceans, but there’s no way this chick has never swam in an ocean.
She barely gets the question out when Juan Pablo turns to get on his bathing suit. They frolic in the waves while making out and praying against jellyfish and sharks who prey on Venezuelan hotties and blonds with an appetite of a fourth grader.
Let’s Have a Hell of a Good Time
Nurse Nikki is excited to go on a one-on-one date with Juan Pablo and decides to celebrate this achievement by wearing her favorite white headband. She thought she was pulling off a whimsical head piece like Blaire Waldorf, but it translated into more of an Olivia Newton Jon feel, which I’m sure she was not going for. The backless, twisted top didn’t help her case much either.
Who cares, right? Juan Pablo surely doesn’t. He thinks Nurse Nikki is gorgeous, smart and sexy. He takes her on a nature hike that ends at the rim of a deep, dark hole. Dancing Queen is going repelling y’all! And naturally, she’s deathly afraid of heights.
Juan Pablo suggests she look at him, breathe and trust that he’s going to be there for her every step of the way, cupping her buttocks from his position right below her so she can feel extra secure.
NN: “I trust you.”
Ugh. We went through this before with Chelsie bungee jumping. Who is the person you should trust? THE GUY PUTTING THE HARNESS AROUND YOU. Him. He’s the one you hug, kiss and trust.
I won’t waste your time on this date. There was a lot of hesitation, nervousness and a kiss halfway down the hole. By the time they reached the bottom, Nurse Nikki’s headband was straight up McEnroe, but she made it in one piece even though their lives were hanging in the balance.
When she arrived for dinner, I thought it was weird that Nikki was wearing the dress Juan Pablo bought for Camila on his date with Renee. Turns out, it was a tank top that she was doubling as a dress. The Nurse talks about how she’s not a morning person. Juan Pablo thanks her for pointing out her flaws and she responds with, “not everyone is sunshine and rainbows.”
This is, of course, lost in translation on Juan Pablo so they make out to cover up the awkwardness. She explains why she chose pediatrics and then slips in how she thought long and hard about what it would be to have a step child and she’s convinced that she’s ready to take that step. She solidifies the rose when she tells him that without Camila, he wouldn’t be who he is today.
I’m not feeling Nurse Nikki for some reason. There seems to be some role playing. I don’t think she’s in to Juan Pablo, but is playing the game because she’s on a reality TV show. I could be wrong. I’m not wrong about that awful headband though.
The girls all hold hands in the boat that takes them through questionable waters to the edge of a place where colorful lanterns go to die. Renee is still talking about wanting to kiss the bachelor, DAndi still has her stank face and Clare is still pulling focus with a toast to “finding love, being in love and making love!”
DAndi is the first to score alone time and uses it once again to tell him that she’s super nervous for the rose ceremony. He tells her that there’s nothing to worry about. She believes him (shocker) and asks him to teach her something in Spanish. Smart lady. He teaches her how to say, “give me a small kiss” and they make out again.
Renee is up next and won’t quit talking about the darn kiss. I just wish Juan Pablo would tell her that he’s not going to do it. My butt was clenching the entire time she gave him all the green lights and he just waved as they passed him by.
Finally, Ben comes up in conversation and he volunteers that he doesn’t want Ben to be pissed at him.
Renee: “Why would he be pissed?”
Juan Pablo: “To see his mom with some guy on TV.”
Renee: “I talked to him before I left. He knows what I’m doing.”
Juan Pablo: “I just want to be respectful.”
Before Renee can shout, “DISRESPECT ME ALREADY” Juan Pablo goes in for a really, really good kiss. I may have screamed. I definitely stood up. I’m not going to lie. I was so happy for Renee and she was on cloud nine. Too bad this isn’t going to end well. I just have a feeling.
And in a rare moment of…do we call this integrity?…Juan Pablo confronts Clare about the ocean escapade and admits that he shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t fair to the other girls.
Clare: “No one knows we did that.” [giggle, giggle]
Juan Pablo: That’s good. But it’s also weird.”
Clare: “Going into the ocean? I know. The sand squishes in my toes. It was weird.”
Juan Pablo explains that he felt bad for the other girls. Clare admits to feeling “silly” and that she just wanted to be real with him in the moment. Had cameras not been around, this is what she would have done! He drops the hammer when he tells her that he doesn’t want Camila to see what happened. Clare melts down and begins to cry, sobbing that she never meant to disrespect his daughter.
Juan Pablo: “You needed to know. Don’t cry. Look at me. Listen. Don’t cry.”
Clare: “My feelings are hurt. I only had the best of intentions. It was an item I wanted to cross off on my bucket list!”
Our bachelor dances around the subject a little more and I begin to wonder why he said yes in the first place, if he’s so concerned about what his daughter may or may not see on television. Fortunately, Clare asks this exact question later as Juan Pablo squats in front of her on an abandoned bench in the dark.
Clare: “If you didn’t think it was right, then you shouldn’t have done it.”
Juan Pablo: “Look at me. I don’t like it when you don’t look at me. It’s all you. Not me.”
Later in the primping bathroom, Clare blames her tears on bad allergies. The girls, especially Danielle, aren’t buying it. She returns to the rose ceremony staging area to a somber bachelor and quizzical group of bachelorettes. Just as Kelly is about to break the tension with some funny comment, Our Host Harrison arrives. There is no clinking of a champagne glass. You could cut the silence with the starched corner of his pocket square.
Along with Clare, Nurse Nikki and Renee, roses are handed to Opera, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat and DAndi.
The Nanny (DAndi’s twin), funny Kelly and to my sorrow, Danielle are all sent home. For the first time in the history of this show, the entire cast cries over the rose ceremony. Not since the Mesnick incident has our bachelor ever cried this much. What’s the Spanish translation of Valium? Juan Pablo may need a prescription. Since Danielle is gone, I guess the ABC Psychotherapist will have to take over.
What did you think? Is Clare going home next week? Will DAndi hold it together for another round? Would you be scared to get in murky water?
Sound off in the comment section below.
All about the fame, not the shame,