The “Women Tell All” episode is a right of passage for viewers. ABC insists on making us sit through roughly one hour of B-roll footage we’ve already seen, 30 minutes of mind-numbing female bickering, 10 minutes of actual entertaining information and 20 minutes of Our Host Chris Harrison casually, yet masterfully tossing fuel on the fire before we are allowed to secure our bets and see who Groban will choose to be his betrothed for the next contractually obligated three months.

Since I watched the show’s live taping (that lasted roughly nine and a half hours), I’ll be recapping the behind the scenes moments that were NOT aired last night. Look for that post later this week. It will include interviews from Groban, Emily, Nicki and Kacie B. Of course, my questions were unconventional. Groban was not a fan, but I did crack him at the very end. VICTORY! I can’t wait to share them with you!

But first things first. The “Women Tell All” has never really delivered any moments of true drama since the day Jason Mesnick told Melissa, “I love you, just kidding.” Last night was no different. In the interest of saving both your time and mine, I decided to recap the top moments by using the Twitter parameters of 140 characters or less.

AMBER
It’s not creepy that I just sit here and react when someone says something shocking. I’m Amber T for crying out loud! #lastnamemustbeFleiss

JAMIE
I stand behind and straddled upon my decision to give Grobe a lap dance. I hope he calls me when this thing goes south. #quittingisforlosers

MONICA
Just because my hair is both blond and brunette does not mean I can’t make decisions. I love the crazy blogger girl! #willyouacceptthistampon

MISS PACIFIC PALISADES
I am not a Chihuahua you BLEEP! I have important things to say and must give my opinion since I was kicked off early. #yoquierodrama

JACLYN
On a scale of 1 to 10, this tangerine dress does not translate well on TV. Glad Emily is in front of me to cover my biz. #bachpaadhereicome

ERIKA
I wish I had said anything other than admitting my thighs were big. What was I thinking? I should show my inner lip tattoo. #WTApartyfoul

BRITTNEY
I can’t stand chick drama. The Chihuahua is about to get cut. Screw ladylike manners. Sorry Nana. Bite me producers. #feistyisthenewBrittney

ELYSE
Do you think they bought it when I said I actually knew who Shawntel was even though my reaction was a season catch phrase? #WHOISTHATGIRL

JENNA
Yes! The producers decided to not focus on my complete meltdown with Monica. What could be more embarrassing? #yesiwillacceptthistampon

JENNIFER
Everyone loves red hair and cute people. Why did he send me home instead of Jugs? What does she have that I don’t? #boobstrumpcute,red

RACHEL
I don’t understand why everyone is yelling. What is up with the Chihuahua and why does Jugs get so much air time? #canigetacombforthesebangs

CASEY S.
I feel stupid wearing a long formal dress when everyone is in short, tight, jewel tone sparkly frocks with nude heels. #courtneyismyhomegirl

JUGS MCGEE
You called me a stripper, but you took your clothes off on TV. However, I used Grobe as a pole whilst dancing once. #potcallingkettleblack

EMILY
I am super cute, smart, funny and a lyrical gangster. I totally dodged a bullet with Grobe. Dimples are adorable. #domynipplesshowinthisdress

NICKI
I don’t understand why Kacie B. gets to sit on the end when I was third runner up. Whatever. Just keep your mouth shut. #iheartGrobanforever

KACIE B.
This plunging neckline makes me feel like I’m getting ready for open heart surgery. I’m a rebel. A sweet, sweet rebel. #fetchmemybaton

SHAWNTEL
Did Harrison just call me “the embalmer” from Chico? How is that girl ever going to learn who I am if he doesn’t use my name? #partycrasher

COURTNEY
Apologizing is hard. But crying fake tears is even harder. Kudos to me for not touching my hair! Tabloids are the devil. #15minfame=winning

GROBAN
Grey is cool. Emily is hot. Jamie is challenged. Who is that chick on the end? I wish I was in Harrison’s entourage. #canIborrowyourflatiron

OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON
These girls have mouths like sailors. Someone get me a stiff drink. I wonder if I can get that blogger to say tampon. #watchthemasteratwork

Let’s hear your tweets in the comment section! Remember…140 characters or less. And don’t forget to send me watching party pics! Check back Thursday for the juicy details of my trip to the Hollywood taping! #allabouttheshamenotthefame