I think the only logical way to begin this recap is to provide a cheat sheet that helps identify the remaining bachelorettes. Since Juan Pablo tells them all the exact same sentiments dripping with charm and charisma, it’s easy to get a few of the blondes confused with a few of the brunettes.

Alli is the nanny who is really good at soccer. She’s easily confused with…

Lauren who owns a portable piano player. Sometimes you may think she is…

DAndi. If Juan Pablo is ever with one of these three, nine times out of 10 it’s the DA.

And then there’s Clare.

She will always be wearing that rectangle necklace which I’m told is very in. She sometimes looks like…

Kat. Kat has major dimples and her crotch was the home to the back of Juan Pablo’s neck for, like, 20 minutes last night. (Best line of the episode courtesy of Kelly the dog lover.)

Kat looks like Nurse Nikki.

Who can be confused for both Chelsie and Christy.

The good news is that Christy is no longer in the line-up. Of course, Elise is still in the picture. She’ll be the one complaining about all the young girls who aren’t mature enough to be a step mom.

Clear as mud? Let’s get to it then!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life Tris and Four like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

A few of the ladies gather outside to sit in the sun and drink their morning coffee. This is a cold bunch. Every time you turn around, someone is wrapped up in a blanket, afghan or towel. Every Target within a 15 mile radius of that mansion must be devoid of decorative throws thanks to the ABC Intern. The group tosses out guesses of who the lucky one will be to land the first one-on-one with Juan Pablo.

Nurse Nikki tells us that on a scale from one to 10, she’s excited about a potential solo date with the Bachelor. Using context clues from her spastic body language and huge grin, I’m going to assume that “excited” must be around the 8.7 mark on this 10-digit scale.

Our Host Chris Harrison arrives and summons the mansion dwellers into the sunken living room. I love him, but on a scale from one to 10, his shirt is regrettable. Unless he is promoting a new line from his collection featuring the throwback color block of the 90s in honor of Garth Brooks’ 2014 tour, I would re-think the shirt that looks like someone put one of those wire boiled egg holders around his chest before gingerly dipping him in a cup of blue PAAS Easter egg dye.

The color block does bring out the sparkle in Harrison’s baby blues. I decide to focus on that and before I know it, he’s pulling the date card from his back pocket and Cassandra’s name is revealed.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
Cassandra
“Love is a Wild Ride”

Cassandra is nine-feet tall and probably models in her spare time. Set these facts aside and there’s still no excuse for her wearing a romper, even if it is her first date in three years. Why the industry chooses to make rompers for anyone over the age of 24 months is beyond me. I need to just accept that this is happening and toss it into the same quizzical category of LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS and A SHIRT DOES NOT A DRESS MAKE.

Juan Pablo picks her up in a chunky convertible and drives toward the beach. Cassandra is excited to learn that they will be spending the day on a yacht. We are unsure where this excitement falls on a scale from one to 10, but it shoots up the moment Juan Pablo plunges the car into the waves of the ocean. PSYCHE! It’s a water car! Her first date in three years and she’s scored a water car!

I have to admit that it looked pretty cool. The car zooms in and out of the surf, garnering the attention of everyone. They both seemed to be having a blast, even if it has been three years since Cassandra last went on a first date. Naturally, ABC chooses this moment to chill things out by tearing us away from the entertainment and dousing us with a sad back story.

Elise is sitting with none other than Renee the House Mom on the balcony. Apparently Elise’s mom submitted her application to the show and then passed away. Both Renee and Elise are in a puddle of tears, as am I. Fortunately, we switch back to Cassandra and Juan Pablo making out by the water car and all is well.

In case you didn’t catch it, this is Cassandra’s first date in three years. And in her 21-years of existence, a guy has never cooked for her like Juan Pablo did in his El Bachelor pad. He wants her to be comfortable and to open up. And what better way to do that than to salsa right there in the kitchen.

Lord help me. And help Cassandra’s unfortunate pants.

GROUP DATE
“Let’s Play Ball”
Kelly
Renee
Sharleen
Danielle
Alli
Lauren
Christy
Lucy
Nurse Nikki
DAndi

Right away, I’m nervous because the triplets are all on this date and I have no idea how I’m going to tell the brunettes apart. I decide to not care and bask in the athletic builds of Juan Pablo and other members of the LA Galaxy.

The ladies all slip in to a colorful tank and yoga pants. Kelly the dog lover puts on an extra layer of foundation and mascara before lamenting that she’s not athletic at all. Rumor has it that Harrison volunteered to take care of Molly while she was attempting to dribble a soccer ball. Say what you want. Molly is a chick magnet! And Harrison knows it.

Ali claims she has played soccer her entire life, which was confusing because I thought she was a district attorney. Sharleen has never worn a pair of cleats in her life, but is owning her milkmaid hair braids like a drunk Brazilian in a bathroom stall.

The girls retire to the locker room to get dressed. The blue team takes the field holding hands and quoting favorite lines from Nicholas Sparks movies. The red team arrives with stern game faces. It’s hard to take them seriously when ABC made them wear golden sport bras and teeny tiny shorts, but I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

By some miracle, the blue team accidentally scores first, but then the red team dominates. Sharleen is struck several times by the soccer ball in various body parts: her face, her boobs, her braids. But she was a good sport and Juan Pablo appreciated that.

The red team wins and Juan Pablo refuses to do that d-bag move where the losers have to go home. He invites all the ladies to a rooftop cocktail party. Several forget their pants and are forced to huddle under blankets to keep warm.

Nurse Nikki is the first to pull Juan Pablo away. She shows signs of cracking under the pressure, but Juan assures her that he wants her there. She relaxes under his spell and settles for a hug before heading back to the group of tangled legs and fleece throws.

Back at the mansion, Elise is certain she will be the one who gets the final one-on-one date. Most of this assumption is due to the fact that she thinks Chelsie (the one who looks like Christy) is young and immature. The best part of this entire exchange is that 27-year-old Elise is complaining to 21-year-old Cassandra about Juan Pablo dating fetuses.

The doorbell rings and Cassandra retrieves the date card, announcing that Chelsie is the fortuitous winner of uninterrupted Juan Pablo time. It would be a shame if I didn’t mention the mustard yellow silk version of a Flashdance shirt that Elise was wearing. She is indeed, a maniac.

Back at the stadium, Juan Pablo and DAndi jank some hot dogs and nachos from the concession stand and flirt their way into the back kitchen area where we witnessed the first hot kiss of the season. Mark my words: this chick will go far. Her weird shorty outfit will not.

Nurse Nikki learns that her boyfriend kissed another girl and she begins to crack. One of the brunettes wants five kids. Danielle was adopted at two days old.

Juan Pablo requests the honor of Sharleen’s presence and he escorts her out to the middle of the soccer field where they talk about how classy and worldly she appears.

There’s something off about her. I can’t put my finger on it, but I did shove said finger into my eye sockets when Sharleen awkwardly pulls away from Juan Pablo when he goes in for a kiss. Wait. That’s not when I shoved my fingers into my eye sockets. I did that when she lobbed her tongue in the general direction of his open mouth and then proceeded to smear her fire engine red stage lipstick all over his lips.

ASIDE:
Fast forward to the 1:20 mark.

Typically I pull this video out to remind the men how to properly kiss a woman. That doesn’t technically apply here, but you’re welcome anyway.

It’s time for Juan Pablo to hand out the roses. We all wonder why the Free Spirit is wet but have no time to contemplate the many possibilities before Juan Pablo hands the coveted rose to Nurse Nikki. Clearly he did this to calm her nerves and keep her around, but that still didn’t stop Sharleen and DAndi from wondering about their connections. Or perhaps it was the Piano Girl? I don’t know. The blankets were covering the shorty shorts so I can’t be sure. It’s not important. Moving on.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Chelsie
“Do You Trust Me”

Elise gives Chelsie the evil eye as she packs her 12 pairs of Toms into her suitcase and bounces off, immaturely she might add, to the open arms of Juan Pablo. He wants to make her feel comfortable so he plays Spanish Hot 100 music that she’s never heard. This doesn’t stop her from clicking imaginary castanets to the rhythm of Juan Pablo’s beat.

He shovels Venezuelan food down her mouth and makes her drink Venezuelan drinks from glasses with very fat straws. Clearly the most logical thing to do next when you’ve eaten your weight in fried breads, avocado dips and chicken covered in heavy cream is to bungee jump off a bridge. Naturally, Chelsie begins to flip the freak out because she is, of course, afraid of heights.

Juan Pablo: “I’m here for you.”
Chelsie: “Great. I’ll hurl all over you.”

Juan Pablo: “Do you trust me?”
Chelsie: “I don’t see how that’s relevant amigo. Do I trust this flimsy cord? Do I trust this random stranger who is strapping my ankles to yours? Do I trust not cracking my head onto the concrete below?”

She begins to cry and Juan Pablo does his best to calm her anxious nerves. They step away from the edge and he talks her into returning again. She freaks. They move back. It’s an intricate dance. It’s fascinating how Juan Pablo knows exactly what to say to make her feel comfortable. Finally, she feels guilty that she’s depriving HIM of a good time so she agrees to fling herself off the edge. The bungee operator doesn’t even wait for a second verbal ready. He counts down and Juan Pablo jumps.

They kiss upside down. Chelsie is convinced she’s one step away from a ring on her finger because they literally took a leap of faith together. Blah, blah, blah. You know the soliloquy. Get to Billy Currington already.

Dinner is under the stars at Pasadena City Hall. It was a little more glamorous than what you’re imagining in your head right now. They talk about their fears and what makes them happy. Juan Pablo does a good job of listening and making her feel comfortable. Don’t worry. He’s there. He hears you. In fact, he thinks she has the potential to be a great mother and rewards her with the date rose.

The familiar opening chords of Billy Currington’s “Hey Girl” ring out through City Hall and Chelsie grabs Juan Pablo for her private concert. Then she begins mouthing the words and Chelsie officially became my favorite contestant of this season.

Watch his “Must Be Doin’ Something Right” video. You’re welcome again.

ROSE CEREMONY SORT OF

Juan Pablo sneaks into the mansion and begins making breakfast for the ladies. Molly is on a strict potty schedule and Kelly creeps downstairs to let the dog out. She is shocked to see Juan Pablo in the kitchen and she rushes by because she doesn’t want him to see her without her face on.

Kelly totally missed an opportunity when Molly was squatting. Then she shoots herself in the foot by going upstairs to announce the Juan Pablo is in their humble abode making breakfast.

Renee doesn’t even bother brushing her teeth before going to greet him. And he LOVES it. He likes the girls who came down without feeling the need to primp. And he noticed that Clare looked really, really good in her “pa-yah-mas.” That’s Juan Pablo for pajamas.

Juan Pablo does his best Our Host Chris Harrison impression by clinking on a champagne glass and announcing that he is going to cancel the cocktail party in lieu of a pool party. The girls squeal with delight and the majority change into swimwear that probably wasn’t designed for getting wet.

Kat hops on Juan Pablo’s shoulders and it’s a miracle her boobs don’t pop out during a rambunctious game of chicken. Sharleen pouts. Clare (rectangle necklace) freaks. And several of the brunettes try to prove to Juan Pablo that they are fun and spontaneous but he doesn’t do anything more than praise them generically because he can’t tell them apart either. Don’t feel bad.

Juan Pablo follows Sharleen to a secret couch on the veranda. She commends him for being so easy to talk to. He lets her know that he just wants her to be comfortable and say whatever she wants. She’s annoyed that the cameras are there in her face constantly and that he’s spending so much with other girls.

I guess they don’t have The Bachelor in Germany where she sings opera.

He kisses her and then she starts crying. It seemed contrived to me. But Juan Pablo transitions into “I’m here” mode and nuzzles into her neck. They sneak kisses that are much better than the travesty on the soccer field, but Sharleen’s paranoia of making out in public stops the party short.

Clare (rectangle necklace) learns that Sharleen and Juan Pablo were “holding and kissing” and begins to hyperventilate. She takes to the bathroom. Can someone get Renee? We have another crier here.

Harrison lands the plane in another hideous outfit. He steals Juan Pablo away so everyone can get dressed for the rose ceremony. Roses go to:

Nurse Nikki
Cassandra
Chelsie
DAndi
House Mom Renee
Kelly the Dog Lover
Sharleen
Elise
Kat
Alli
Clare
Lauren
Danielle

Mute Christy is out and surprisingly, so is the Free Spirit. Goodbyes are hard, but being barefoot is easy. She bids peace and love to everyone left in the house and gives the crew one last flash for good luck.

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee