Bachelor Zach Recap | Episode 1

It’s me! Hi! I’m the problem, it’s me!

Welcome back, Bachelor lovers! Did you miss me? It’s been so long since we’ve gathered together to watch a very tall white man journey to find love. I will have you know that this season marks TWENTY YEARS since I’ve been recapping this darling little show, and I couldn’t be more excited about Zach and his ability to separate the wheat from the chaff in the timespan of an Avatar movie.

Let’s meet these fine ladies and then promptly forget a third of them! Especially the ones who chanted, “I am beautiful! I am confident! I am strong!”

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Aly

26
Healthcare Strategist
Atlanta, Georgia
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: I honestly don’t know who this person is, and I’m feeling really good about how this recap has kicked off. I promise I watched the show!

Anastasia

30
Content Marketing Manager
San Diego, California
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Anastasia rocked what appeared to be a black velvet pantsuit on night one. Unfortunately, there’s no official news on whether or not she’s actually a Romanov.

Ariel

28
Marketing Executive
New York City, New York
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Ariel has legs AND a voice.

Bailey

27
Executive Recruiter
Nashville, Tennessee
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Bailey was one of the lucky few who had the opportunity to meet Zach during After the Final Rose of Gabby and Rachel’s season. He immediately forgot her name, even with the aid of a jaunty limerick.

When we see Bailey exit the limo, we spy a handy dandy nametag. Get it? She wants to help Zach not forget her twice on national television. Zach apologizes again for embarrassing her, quickly kisses Bailey, and sends her on her merry way.

Bailey is beside herself. Zach kissed her! Zach remembered her! Zach is the dreamiest of dream boats!

Question: Does it count as “remembering” when B-A-I-L-E-Y is boldly scribbled across a nametag? I’m asking for a delusional friend.

Becca (No Instagram)

25
Nursing Student
Burbank, California
Status: No Rose
Why You Remember Her: You don’t.

Brianna

24
Entrepreneur
Jersey City, New Jersey
Status: America’s Rose (via Twitter)
Why You Remember Her: Brianna is the luminous woman AMERICA chose during After the Final Rose to receive the first long-stemmed bud of Season 27. No one told the rest of the girls that this achievement came with a glorious crimson gown dripping with sequin roses.

Brianna looked the part. And she carried her rose with confidence. The question remains: Does Zach like America’s favorite? He did say, “She invigorates me,” yet he made lip-to-lip contact with seven other women in the span of one night. Brianna was not one of them. Time will tell.

Brooklyn

25
Rodeo Racer
Stillwater, Oklahoma
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Ah, Brooklyn. I had such high hopes for the barrel racer. However, within minutes of walking into the mansion, she succumbed to the age-old, “EVERYONE IS SO PRETTY. WHERE DO ALL OF THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN COME FROM?” She will self-destruct in two episodes if she doesn’t get her nerves under control.

Cara

27
Corporate Recruiter
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Status: No Rose
Why You Remember Her: Cara told Zach that she has been on thirty first dates, and she hopes that he is her last. Fourteen hours and eight glasses of champagne later, he kicked her to the curb.

CAN I GET A 31?

Cat

26
Dancer
New York, New York
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: I don’t know what to make of Cat. Bless her heart comes to mind, but then I wonder if she’s attempting a Southern vibe to come across as more charming. And why, why, why, why, why would you see how many meatballs you can fit into your mouth on night one? I think, “You look hungry. Care for some protein?” is a much better icebreaker than meat sauce dripping from your acrylic nails.

Charity

26
Child and Family Therapist
Columbus, Georgia
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: I have to say that I like Charity. I also have to say that Zach really likes Charity. She was one of the few who received an actual makeout session that extended beyond an average peck or an escape kiss. She will go far.

Christina

26
Content Creator
Nashville, Tennessee
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Some Guy in Austin and I are having a hard time pinning down Christina Mandrell. Is she a future villain? What’s up with that Nashville pout? Is her dress straight from her famous mama’s wardrobe closet? We just don’t know!

What we do know is that Christina Mandrell knows how to play the game. Not only does she arrive solo on a party bus for some reason, but she woos Zach out to said party bus to take a “compatibility” test. Spoiler: they have nothing in common. Not only does Zach choose a dragon over a dinosaur (read: correct answer), but he’s a beach guy to her mountains. When it’s clear that Christina Mandrell’s icebreaker is not doing its desired job, she opts to simply make out on the bus.

It’s at this point that the producers tap the shoulders of some of the spunkier gals and whisper to them that there’s a bunch of booze on a bus outside and they should go check it out. Cut to the impromptu dance party where I’m confident at least four people fell off a pole, precipice, or step.

Davia

25
Marketing Manager
Charleston, South Carolina
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Davia wore a revealing white, gossamery dress that had a slit down the front to her navel. She looked like a slutty ghost prepped for heart surgery.

Gabi

25
Account Executive
Pittsford, Vermont
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Poor Gabi thought it would be a good idea to offer Zach a nice helping of maple syrup straight from the bottle. Neither the look of disgust on his face nor puking in the fake rose bush near the freshly washed driveway deterred him from giving Gabi another chance at love.

Genevie

26
Neonatal Nurse
Baltimore City, Maryland
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Genevie made Zach change the diaper of a very realistic baby. Because he was able to perform this somewhat simple task on an unsquirming newborn, Genevie deemed him marriage material.

Greer

24
Medical Sales Rep
Houston, Texas
Status: First Impression Rose
Why You Remember Her: I’m confused on multiple layers. Who shakes up champagne before they open it unless you have just won the World Series? Why would anyone knowingly purchase a snap-crotch bodysuit, then wear the garment unsnapped with a free-flailing crotch just swinging around like nobody’s business? Who goes on national television and refuses to brush her hair or remove the Band-Aid from her armpit?

Note: Some dresses are not made for sitting. Greer managed to find one and sit in it.

Note: When you want to get the first-impression rose, simply remind your suitor that you are from the same state where he works, and even though you are young and fabulous and just moved to New York, every bone in your body wants to come home to the Lone Star State. Texas forever.

I thought Charity, Jess, Katherine, and even Christina Madrell had a better shot at the first-impression rose. I don’t see Greer lasting, but I could be wrong.

Also, I can’t get over it. What was the Band-Aid covering? A gross scab? A Nike tattoo? Is that where they insert the tracker that keeps them from running away?

Holland

24
Insurance Marketer
Boca Raton, Florida
Status: No Rose
Why You Remember Her: Sweet, adorable, intoxicated Holland. We worried about her well-being all night. When the eyeliner began to smear, I prayed for someone to hydrate the poor dear. When I saw the excessive crying, I knew all hope was lost for our girl to make it to the rose ceremony. I begged the ABC Intern to REFRAIN FROM PUTTING OUR HOLLAND ON THE STAND! SHE WON’T MAKE IT!

Gravity can be a heartless beast. We will miss you, Holland.

Jess

23
E-Commerce Coordinator
Winter Springs, Florida
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Since Jess is fresh out of college, she’s in wedding season for all her friends, so I imagine her entire cocktail wardrobe will be old bridesmaid dresses from the last 18 months. What I didn’t expect was glitter all over her chest. Knowing what I know about sweet Jess, I’d say someone fancier hugged her fiercely, and Jess’s sparkly sternum is not her own doing. Perhaps she helped Holland to the bathroom, and that’s how she was dusted with glitter?

Listen when I tell you that Zach likes this young girl. She’s endearing. He complimented her and put her at ease before making out for a pretty long time. She’s precious to him, and he probably already wants to protect everything about her virtue. But can she hold up against mean girls, aggressive girls, girls from North Dakota, and Christina Mandrell?

Kaity

27
ER Nurse
Austin, Texas
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Although Kaity is probably not one of the top five right now, she is in the running. She made her one-on-one time all about Zach. And she got a kiss out of her efforts, even if she mostly leaned in ninety percent of the way.

Katherine

26
Registered Nurse
Tampa, Florida
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Katherine dates with a purpose, and she believes Zach is her type. The good news is that Zach thinks she’s stunning. Even when she begs him to “SPF me!” That’s dermatology humor, people. Get your head out of the gutter. It’s nighttime, and Katherine wants some sunscreen for that pesky California moonburn no one talks about.

He likes her.

Kimberly

30
Hospitality Manager
Los Angeles, CA
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: “Hi! I’m Kimmy G! You’re new wifey-to-be!” #bless

Kylee

25
Postpartum Nurse
Charlotte, North Carolina
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Kaylee came out of the limo shouting something on a bullhorn. Then she tells Zach that she’s funny.

Note: If you have to tell people you’re funny, that negates the funny. It’s just like being breezy.

Lekha

29
Financial Advisor
Miami, Florida
Status: No Rose
Why You Remember Her: Lekha “marked her territory” by licking behind Zach’s ear. And the whole world threw up a little in our mouths.

Madison

26
Business Owner
Fargo, North Dakota
Status: No Rose
Why You Remember Her: Madison wants to kiss Zach SO BAD, y’all. She sees herself falling in love with him a thousand percent, even though that’s not an actual number.

In order to prepare him for winter in Fargo, North Dakota, she stands him in front of the outdoor fireplace and dresses him in fur like a real-life Ken doll. Zach nearly passes out from the heat. Peeling the layers of dead animals off his body, he politely hugs Madison and beelines for the bar, where Holland hands him her gin and tonic.

Madison loved her ninety seconds of bliss with Zach but hates that she didn’t get to kiss her forever love. I believe it is Kimberly who assured Madison that returning to Zach a second time was the best idea ever. Zach graciously bunny-hops with Madison and even refrains from jerking his head away when she pulls him in for a smooch.

Madison isn’t a complete idiot. She can tell something is off, but she’s not quite sure. Their conversation was sparkling. The kiss was epic. What went wrong?

When Zach hands the first-impression rose to Greer, Madison pops a pill she hid in her ample bosom and bellies up to the bar with Holland. The ABC Intern fetches Madison to “interrupt” a conversation with Zach and Jesse, and it’s here, on the mansion driveway where it all started eons ago, where Zach ends things with Madison. He just doesn’t see a future.

A white pre-rejection van is idling nearby to take Madison back to North Dakota as she mumbles through delicate hiccups something about Zach not knowing what he’s missing.

Mercedes

24
Non-Profit Case Manager
Bloomfield, Iowa
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Mercedes walks Henry the Pig on a leash. Let the record show that Zach is more interested in the pig than the woman standing right there.

Olivia L.

24
Patient Care Technician
Rochester, New York
Status: No Rose
Why You Remember Her: She wore a red dress. That’s all I’ve got.

Olivia M.

25
Stylist
Cincinnati, Ohio
Status: No Rose
Why You Remember Her: Olivia was very excited to find two pennies FACE UP the day she arrived in Los Angeles. Sadly, she forgot to throw them into a wishing well, hoping to stay beyond night one.

Sonia

29
Project Manager
Long Island, New York
Status: No Rose
Why You Remember Her: Sonia wore the same dress (different color) as Christina Mandrell. She never stood a chance.

Vanessa

23
Restaurant Marketer
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Status: No Rose
Why You Remember Her: Vanessa threw Mardi Gras beads at the bachelor, and we never saw her again.

Victoria J.

30
Makeup Artist
Fort Worth, Texas
Status: Rose
Why You Remember Her: Vicky had little to no airtime on night one. This does not bode well for her future.

Viktoria E.

29
Nanny
Vienna, Austria
Status: No Rose
Why You Remember Her: So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu.

There you have it! Your Bachelor Zach recap! He sends ten women back home to stare forlornly at their unmoving Instagram followers and keeps twenty for good measure. Will this bite him in the butt? Can he find love in a sea of hairspray and body shapers? Sound off in the comment section, and tell me your frontrunners. Remember, this is a SPOILER-FREE zone!