I love lamp. And according to Our Host Chris Harrison’s Instagram, so does he. Great minds people. Great minds.

I think we can all agree on one thing as a result of The Bachelorette’s first episode. Yes Andi did a really good job playing hostess to an array of dudes wearing navy suits with brown shoes and yes, the page boy haircut is an unfortunate choice of style both today and in the 15th century. But the takeaway from last night’s episode was more significant that any of those revelations.

Ninety minutes is a sufficient amount of time to watch the parade of wannabe star-crossed lovers (including one d-bag from Emily’s season) try and win Andi’s affection with dorky one-liners, taste tests and overwhelming feats of strength.

Don’t get used to it. We’re back to our regularly scheduled programming next week. Hooray!

Let’s take a closer look at Andi’s future husbands, shall we?

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Bachelorette Andi is ready to leave the courthouse forever people! The prosecutor is tired of telling witnesses they can’t handle the truth. She’s ready to meet the man of her dreams. And what’s the first thing you do after you take your law degree off the wall of your former office after telling the various clerks around you that they can take this job and shove it?

Why you go shopping of course! And you score an adorable tank with a red sequin rose on the front. It’s a sign!

It’s also a sign that Des is doing infomercials for Suave, but that’s another post for another time.

Andi arrives at her new digs in a flirty convertible. I was just about to call OBJECTION when I saw that she had the top down with the door windows up when Our Host Chris Harrison strolled into the shot. He was tan, casually dressed and smelled of leather and whimsy. After settling Andi in for an afternoon of anxious butt-clenching in anticipation of meeting 25 young bucks who are all there because of her, he leaves to join his posse at the Reg Bev Wil.

Say hola to Roberto for me Hare.

Andi sits down on the couch, grabbing a fluffy pillow and reflects. Just as I thought she was going to pull out her notebook and journal, her sister shows up to help her get dressed for the night. They talk about how she needs to kiss a lot of guys so she can get rid of the ones who don’t know what they are doing before sliding into a bedazzled gold dress. A ring in the shape of a snake coils around her “shoot the finger” to complete the ensemble. She pulls her hair around to the side, fashions no less than 50 bobby pins to keep in in place and then proceeds to mess with it all night long because that is an unnatural hair style and just put it in a side ponytail already. Rant complete.

THE GUYS

Andrew
30
Social media marketer
Culver City, CA
Why you remember him:
You wanted to call him #Andrew, but you already did that one season before, so you’ll have to come up with a more clever nickname because you’re a creative person. He’s wearing a gingham shirt, but that’s no good because the gingham is just as abundant as the alcohol. Just as you’re about to give up for him being too normal, he forms a bromance with a fellow Formula One lover in Patrick. Thus Andrick is born.
Status: Rose

Bradley
32
Opera singer
Holland, MI
Why you remember him:
You prayed for a fat lady to come waltzing in so Bradley would cease and desist from singing opera in front of the other dudes. Did he not watch the previous season on how to appropriately play the opera card? PS: fasten your top button when you’re wearing a tie dude. You’re not in traffic at the end of a work day.
Status: Rose

Brett
29
Hairstylist
Westminster, PA
Why you remember him:
Upon discovering that he was a hair stylist, you hoped that his icebreaker would be to grab the Page Boy and give him a makeover, but no such luck. He was the tall one with the bow tie who never greets a lady empty handed. So he stole a floor lamp from the hotel and awkwardly handed it to her. There was no funny quip. No, “You light up my life” or “Wanna turn me on?” Amateur. Look Vidal, if you’re going to go big, you have to go all the way.
Status: Rose

Brian
27
Basketball coach
Camp Hill, PA
Why you remember him:
Sweet Brian loves coaching, loves kids and asked her to adjust the knot on his tie. He seems normal enough. He’ll need to step up his game a bit to compete with the majority of these attention seeking yahoos. I wish him luck.
Status: Rose

Carl
30
Firefighter
Fort Lauderdale, FL
Why you remember him:
You technically don’t until you read your notes and see that Carl was the one who gave her a tiny globe from Brookstone. Then you go to the ABC website and realized he’s one of your pics. GET IN THE GAME CARL.
Status: Rose

Chris
32
Farmer
Arlington, IA
Why you remember him:
You were skeptical at first by the fact that a farmer had pointy hair, but you soon figured that he’s a sweet guy who probably let his roommate, the hair stylist, do his hair before appearing on national television. He quickly grew on you as a guy with genuine charm and you also thought he was going to get the first impression rose for about two seconds. Andi seemed to like him enough, but I’m not sure she will ever leave her home to go live in the town in Footloose so her kids can be fifth generation corn growers. We shall see.
Status: Rose

Cody
28
Personal trainer
Chicago, IL
Why you remember him:
Cody is the beefcake who pushed the limo into the driveway because he strong. He also wears several bracelets and shiny suits because he’s strong. His collar is popped on his suit jacket because he’s a chach. And he wears tight t-shirts so you can tell that he’s strong.
Status: Rose

Craig
29
Tax accountant
Denver, CO
Why your remember him:
Craig is the guy who popped the champagne in the driveway, set it immediately down on the sticky ground by his feet and then practically ran to Andi to tell her that he’s a hugger and can’t wait to talk inside. You felt sorry for him until he self-proclaimed to be the official “party starter” of the group. Then you rolled your eyes along with Andrick and the rest of America.
Status: Enthusiastic rose

Dylan
26
Accountant
Boston, MA
Why you remember him:
Dylan had slick, wet hair who claimed to be extremely nervous standing in front of Andi. That’s all I’ve got, besides pink tie. Surprisingly…
Status: Rose

Emil
33
Helicopter pilot
Costa Mesa, CA
Why you remember him:
Poor Emil received the first “bless his heart” of the season when out of the gate he explained to Andi that his name is pronounced like anal – but with an “m.” No, that doesn’t make sense phonetically, but it’s out there and it can’t be taken back. It’s going to be really awkward when ABC hires him to fly Andi and some other dude around California in a couple of weeks during a one-on-one date.
Status: No rose

Eric
31
Explorer
Citrus Heights, CA
Why you remember him:
Sadly, Eric was the young man who passed away during a paragliding accident after the filming of the show. Although I think it was a nice touch for the studio to dedicate this season to him, I can’t help but think of how heartbreaking these episodes will be for his family and friends. Hopefully there will be some healing that comes from this unusual situation.
Status: Rose

Jason
35
Urgent care physician
Sturgeon Bay, WI
Why you remember him:
You snorted in haughty derision when he boasted about being a doctor and then diagnosed Andi with a fever because she’s so hot. You also concluded that there’s no way his Prince Valium hairdo is hygienic enough not to be contained by hair net in the OR. There will be no “mahwige” because there will be…
Status: No rose

JJ
30
Pantsapreneur
San Francisco, CA
Why you remember him:
A pantsapreneur. No further comment.
Status: Rose

Josh B.
29
Telecommunication marketer
Denver, CO
Why you remember him:
Josh B. was the first to succumb to being overtired and proceeded to melt down in front of the camera when he was given his walking orders. His tears soaked his blue gingham shirt as he spat out to the camera that this entire ordeal was stupid. It’s clear he needs medication and I’m really glad he’s going to be at the airport with Prince Valium who can hopefully prescribe something to calm his fractured nerves.
Status: No rose

Josh M.
29
Former professional baseball player
Atlanta, GA
Why you remember him:
One of the best moments of the night was when Andi claimed that Josh M. was definitely her type. He was the whole package. But if this is her type and she’s still single, then maybe she needs to expand her horizons.

Whhhhaaaaattttt???? Could I be team Andi! YOU GO GIRL! PICK THE BIEBS!

Josh M. has a definite chach vibe if you ask me. But she decided to keep him around for a few more weeks in lieu of The Crier and Anal.
Status: Rose

Marcus
25
Sports medicine manager
Dallas, TX
Why you remember him:
Marcus pretended to be nervous upon first meeting Andi, but then turned on the charm by speaking Polish, German and stealing glances with his piercing blue eyes. Let the record show that his do not nor ever will hold a candle to Harrison’s, but Andi was still intrigued. He’ll go far.
Status: Rose

Marquel
26
Sponsorship salesman
Las Vegas, NV
Why you remember him:
Marquel (clad in gingham) walked Andi through a dessert tasting session in which he presents a black and white cookie and good naturedly tells her that this one is his favorite. You giggled because Marquel is African-American and that was a pretty good icebreaker. Marquel has swag and was extremely fun and charming. However, based on scenes from the season, it appears that he’s the official pot-stirrer and is going to be wreaking havoc wherever possible.
Status: Rose

Mike
29
Bartender
Alta, UT
Why you remember him:
You can call him Camps before calling him a cab.
Status: No rose.

Nick S.
27
Professional golfer
Kissimmee, FL
Why you remember him:
Nick arrived on a golf cart, promised to check out Andi’s swing and then blew her an air kiss. He is extremely energetic and will either be really funny or highly annoying. It’s too early to tell right now.
Status: Rose

Nick V.
33
Software sales executive
Chicago, IL
Why you remember him:
Nick was forgettable until he wasn’t! He’s the second oldest of 10 kids and is modest, yet sincere. Andi said she felt that he was genuine. He’ll fall head over heels and then probably get his heart trampled because he can’t handle the pressure of 15 other guys dating his woman.
Status: First impression rose

Patrick
29
Advertising executive
Newport Beach, CA
Why you remember him:
He arrived with a soccer ball and an amazing chin dimple. He appears normal enough. He needs a nickname but Chin Dimple seems adolescent. Just as you’re about to give up, he forms a bromance with a fellow Formula One lover in Andrew and Patdrew is born.
Status: Rose

Ron
28
Beverage sales manager
Memphis, TN
Why you remember him:
Ron wore, you guessed it, a gingham shirt. He is from Israel and is happy to be on The Bachelorette for this once in a lifetime opportunity. He was smooth in a confident way and left Andi to go inside to the cocktail party before she had to dismiss him. If he plays his cards right, he may be a dark horse.
Status: Rose

Rudie
31
Attorney
Long Beach, CA
Why you remember him:
You vaguely remember that Voluntary 4th Waiver nonsense he wrote out on construction paper. You really remember his eager demeanor. You waved goodbye as he left for the rejection limo.
Status: No rose

Steven
30
Snowboard product developer
Encinitas, CA
Why you remember him:
You thought, “There’s no way The Biebs is 30-years-old!” Then you giggled like a school girl on the green slopes when he told Andi she was rad. Totally.
Status: No rose. Duuuuuuuuude.

Tasos
30
Wedding event coordinator
Denver, CO
Why you remember him:
Tasos is by far the most unique of the bunch. He’s the one that did the lock and key thing during his exit and then drops a little Spanish and French on Andi. She eats it up. Tasos will be in the friend zone before we know it.
Status: Rose

Chris
Emily’s season
Why you remember him:
This chach slinks over to craft services and tries to sneak in to the cocktail party so he can profess his love for Andi. Immediately the dudes in black call for reinforcements. SOMEONE FIND HARRISON. Our Host assesses the situation and pulls Andi aside to give her the 4-1-1 on what’s going on outside the perimeter.

My favorite part was when Harrison had to remind Andi just who Crazy Chris was and then you saw it click. She confidently said in a roundabout way, “When pigs fly.” Harrison patted her on the head, instructed her to finish her cocktail party and assured to not worry – he would take care of the d-bag. He shot a quick glass of whiskey, straightened his spine and then asked someone how to get back to craft services because he usually hangs out in his trailer.

According to Crazy Chris, he had been stalking the mansion for at least a week, waiting for the crew to start shooting. Hellooooo freak flag!

Our Host tells Chris that if he really respects Andi, he’d leave right this minute. His voice is authoritative and there’s a hint of dare in the infliction. Understanding that he’s no match for Harrison, Chris concedes, gives his bundle of roses to Our Host to deliver and is escorted off the premises by the big dude in black who schleps the rejection luggage when contestants don’t return from one-on-one dates.

And there you have it! What did you think about the guys? PLEASE NO SPOILERS IN THE COMMENT SECTION! Other than finding out that Marquel may be an instigator of drama in the upcoming season, we also learn that Andi is exhausted. EXHAUSTED I TELL YOU. Plus, she knew it wouldn’t work because it’s just too good to be true.

Well I’m all in. I’m also all about the fame, not the shame,

Lincee