Bachelorette Andi: A picture recap is worth a thousand words

I hope that adage is true, because this season’s forgo card fantasy suite episode was a SNOOZE FEST. Instead of boring you with plebeian details of Andi’s attraction to two boys and her affection for one manly farmer, I decided to evaluate the night using amateur photos taken with my iPhone. Let’s start at the very beginning.

Andi arrives in the Dominican Republic. I know it’s the Dominican Republic because she told me a least a dozen times in the opening montage. It’s the perfect place to fall in love, wear a side ponytail and narrow down her dating life from a trio to a duo.

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One suitcase. That’s all it takes. All she needs is a formal rose ceremony dress, 27 mis-matched bikinis, a pair of denim panties and several billowy tops. That should hold her for the next 48 hours for sure.

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The first 15 minutes of the show were reserved for reflection time. Who is Andi? Is there more to Josh? Is Nick hiding something? Should The Farmer get dinner before he gets the boot?

These are things we must ponder before getting to the first fantasy date. Nick scored one-on-one time with Andi on a private beach. Naturally they have to take a helicopter to get there. And then this happened.

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Those pesky Madonna mics always get in the way when trying to make out with someone in a helicopter. You’d think they would have figured that out by now. Nick is super excited because he’s never been in a helicopter before. They take in the scenery.

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This shot resulted in a clever reTweet from Tracie who originally Tweeted Erin:

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My thoughts exactly my friend. Kudos to the ABC Intern for going above and beyond.

Nick and Andi spend the entire day on the beach. Andi thinks Nick has a hot body and reveals that their chemistry is so passionate, it’s like adult romance.


Huh. As opposed to teenage romance? Or did she mean adult romance novel? I’m not sure where she was going, but I felt confident that we were about to experience a “From Here to Eternity” beach moment. We did not. Instead, she quizzed him on heartbreak and I counted how many times he used the word “like” in his answer. He has surpassed Andi, with a record-breaking 47. I made that number up, but I’m confident it is close to accurate. MOVING ON!

After snorkeling, Andi and Nick head to dinner. Nick was wearing red pants.

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Come on dude. Why would you even go there? Red pants are SACRED wardrobe territory. I give you Ames.

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And I give you Ames.


Where was I?

Right. Nick and his book. According to our red pant poser, one of the normal things to do as a guy from the Midwest pursuing a girl is to write her a story. I didn’t believe him for a second. So I asked the Twitterverse for confirmation.

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And these were my two favorite responses:

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Nick presents Andi with a story/book he wrote for her, complete with watercolor drawings of their fairytale. She LOVED every second of it. I fast forwarded every second of it. She rewards him with a kiss and then Nick pulls her away to a tree to tell her all the things that he loves about her, before wrapping up his epic monolog with a simple, “I love you.” She reciprocated by pressing him up against a palm tree.

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You may recall, it’s her go-to move with Nick.


She grabs his pockets. He grabs her butt. I grab the remote. Let’s move on to Josh!

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I’m sorry this screen shot does not adequately portray the ridiculousness of these shorts. You’ll have to trust me when I say they looked inside out.

Andi decides to take Josh around town so she can figure out if he has a serious side. They mingle with street vendors and one convinces Josh to purchase this:

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Josh smiles, take a shot mixed with this stuff and then speaks perfect Spanish to the vendors. Andi’s head explodes. ¡Ay, caramba! Muy caliente! She picks her jaw up off the ground as Josh drags her to the middle of the street to dance.

1. We all know Andi can’t dance.
2. How many times will they make her dance this season?
3. She doesn’t care as long as Josh whispers sweet Spanish nothings in her ear.

Andi takes Josh to a Dominican Republic version of a Little League baseball field. Since he knows the game, and he speaks the language, every one of the little boys in the entire village immediately fall in love with him.

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I may have heard Andi’s uterus quiver.

Josh seals the “is he serious?” deal at dinner by telling Andi that she would be a great Mom and that he can’t wait to get married and have a family. She goes through the formality of handing him a skeleton key and the forgo card that was clearly NOT written by Our Host Chris Harrison so they can get to know each other better (read: test the accuracy of the Mamajuana.) The ABC Intern arranges for some fireworks to be set off just as they arrive at the fantasy suite. It’s the least he could do since Nick scored an entire day on a private beach.

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Andi and Josh head to the pool.

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Note: Your teeth should not be brighter than the Day-Glo trim of your swim trunks.


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Note: Jeeps are hot. And anyone driving one is therefore hot too.

The Farmer pulls up to greet Andi and she hugs him with the affection of a distant relative who just gave her a savings bond at her bat mitzvah. This does not bode well for our farming friend.

They stroll down a path and find two horses at the end.

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Andi, knowing what the date entails because she is the bachelorette, has chosen her white pair of denim panties and a reconstructed oversize scarf as her wardrobe of choice for this endeavor. The Farmer helps her up on her horse and gives her basic Riding 101 before traveling the countryside to take in the local agriculture.

Let me be clear. This:

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is not even in the same vicinity as this:

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That’s a water buffalo by the way. I Googled it.

They arrive at the designated old log in the middle of nowhere for their picnic. Andi talks about how wonderful his family is and that she loved meeting them. And then for some unknown reason, The Farmer suggests they play Ghost in the Graveyard.

While Nick was doing this:

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And Josh was doing this:

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The Farmer was doing this:

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Poor guy.

That night Andi takes him to bed. Literally.

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She eases in to the conversation by asking what was his favorite part of the day? “GETTING CHIGGERS!” I screamed at the TV. Not so much. Instead The Farmer eloquently tells Andi that he’s in love with her and she is the one for him. She in turn says that he is not the one and it’s not because of Iowa. It’s because she’s just not feeling it from a foundation level. She can’t get her head and her heart on the same page.

The Farmer appreciates and respects her honestly. It’s harvest time and he needs to get back to the farm. That corn isn’t going to pick itself. He graciously leaves. No dinner. No hot tub. No tree kissing. Nothing.

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He was this close to crying in the rejection limo, but he held it together. I’m quite confident he will be the next Bachelor if he wants the gig.

Andi puts on her flowiest hot pink caftan and hooks up with Our Host Chris Harrison in the makeshift Pier One Bureau room/veranda the last 15 minutes of the show to rehash the previous hour and 45 minutes. Long story short: if she had to do it again, Josh and Nick would be the final two standing.

The boys arrive in their island casual attire. Josh is sweating buckets. Nick is planning the last two chapters of his story. And both get roses from Andi.

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That would have been The Farmer’s rejection dinghy. It’s a good thing she let him go the night before.

And then there were two. Remember, this is a spoiler-free zone. Who do you think she will choose next week? Will Nick get to finish his adult love story? Should Josh lay off the Crest White Strips for a few weeks? Do you think The Farmer will be the next bachelor? Is it possible for Andi to wear denim panties three weeks in a row? We shall see!

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July 15, 2014 8:34 am

Thank you, Lincee, for getting your recap up at lightning speed!

Farmer Chris was the classiest cast-off ever last night. I would love to see him as the next Bachelor as I’m sure would all of the viewing audience. Although I kind of like him on the pedestal where I have him now.

I guess I am out of the loop on the wardrobe stuff. Nick’s choices are just revolting to me. Regardless, she will pick him and I just can’t imagine it working out.

July 15, 2014 8:37 am

Lincee, thank you so much for including photos! We had a huge storm in Philly last night, and emergency weather coverage interrupted Nick’s date and went straight through into the beginning of Josh’s. It made for a very disconnected viewing!

I must say, I’m pretty glad I missed the fairytale book (??) portion of the date with Nick. I might not have been able to hold down my dinner.

Farmer Chris was a class act and a gentleman to the end. I loved that he offered her his arm as she was walking him to the rejection limo. I think he’ll be the next Bachelor, for sure. If he wants it, that is. And if so, I predict there will be at least one bikini-clad hay-bailing competition. ABC is going to have so much fun with the farm theme 🙂

I’m Team Josh (my ovaries quivered throughout pretty much his entire date, truth be told), but I’m almost always wrong about these things, so we shall see.

July 15, 2014 8:53 am

Vicki, I’m with you…I like Chris up there on that pedestal as well. What a class act that boy is. When he gets back to Iowa, I bet there will be 2,000 women waiting for him in Daisy Dukes (denim panties)!

Mr. Baseball’s looks and athleticism will fade. And Nick’s lovey-dovey thing gets old after a while (been there). They’re both really good guys though. Not sure which one is the better fit long term. Only Andi will know for sure! Let’s hope she picks correctly!

Lincee, I loved the shout-out to Ames! Miss him! “Where was I?” You rock!

July 15, 2014 9:00 am

Rejection dinghy with the arrow pointing to it! Lincee, you slay me every week.

Also slaying me – Farmer offering Andi his arm after she dumps him. She did the right thing by not forcing herself to try to love him, but oh he deserves better.

Who is she going to pick?! Nick’s fairytale story was painful, as were all the “likes.” Yet Nick is still more articulate than Josh by a long way. And Nick’s love confession was so much more romantic than Josh’s I LOVE YOU blast on a public bench with the glaring teeth. Still, Team Josh. I think he makes her happier than Nick, and I think Nick will overanalyze and brood and talk her to death. Andi wants to be the one who brings the drama to a relationship, not have her husband do it.

July 15, 2014 9:00 am

1) Nick looked like a preschooler in the red pants, colored top outfit
2) “huh, so that’s what I was doing wrong all those years before is met you” said by my Midwestern guy when Nick presented his book
3) Do they ever eat? All we could focus on during Andi’s pouty looking for attention conversation with Josh was his steak
4) GoFarmer – best exit ever. He seriously could get an amazing girl. I hope he joins eharmony like the rest of us an meets a cute, nice, normal girl
5) Ando looked like she was wearing maternity tops all night
6) Boring, boring, boring – we don’t need shock we need people with personalities right?

July 15, 2014 9:03 am

Is it just me? Every time Andi starts in on her crying jag, I can’t stop looking at her double-jointed fingers. I can’t look away! It’s like all her fingers are broken as she continually wipes her eyes. No offense to any double-jointed Green-beaners of course. Please ABC intern, get her some tissue!

And I sure would like to know what mascara and eyeliner she uses. That stuff stays put!

July 15, 2014 9:05 am

Oh sweet Ames!! How we long for someone who can speak a sentence or two without the word “like”. Farmer Chris is good at that too. He dodged a bullet with this one. I was so proud that he didn’t cry in the rejection vehicle…such a MAN! Way too good for Andi. I think he needs a beautiful, smart, funny and sensible girl like our own Lincee Ray!!!!

July 15, 2014 9:10 am

Thank you Lincee for the quick recap, you rock! Love the pictures, what a great idea. The fairy tale book left me cold. How long did it take the intern to write all that dribble?
I think she’ll pick Josh going by her reaction and body language whenever she is with him. I like Nick best but my gut tells me she’ll go for Josh.
Poor Chris and bless his heart. He sure got a crappy date out in the boondocks. If she was sending him home the least she could have done was take him to a nice beach. What a classy guy.
Team Farmer!

July 15, 2014 9:20 am

Thanks for the awesome pic montage Lincee.

Yes to the maternity tops!! Lol. And who wears shorty shorts when going horseback riding?? She must have been super chapped up. And I was thinking chiggers too – haha!!

Did anyone else notice how she acts like she owns the place? Nick asked what was your fav part of the date. And she answers “taking you on a helicopter for your first time.” Ummmm BC you own the helicopter…

I’m on team Josh for her although curious about the previews of her crying at the end. She can join her look alike family even though with Josh’s famous brother she’ll be the #2 Andy Murray. 😉

July 15, 2014 9:22 am

Btw Marcus didn’t seem that heartbroken on the Bachelor in Paradise previews. I think he’s recovered.

July 15, 2014 9:29 am

Thanks Lincee for the speedy recap!

I noticed that Nick had no problem speaking to the camera and talking to Andi against the palm tree (once he got the words out that he loved her) – those “likes” are so prevalent during his (and Andi’s) most uncomfortable/emotional times, I guess.

I was also thinking that Chris got the short end of the stick, date-wise, riding around the farmland of the DR. He handled his rejection beautifully, though, and I am sure he will be an excellent bachelor, as soon as he gets all the crops in this fall.

Loved the Ames, photos – he was such a sweetheart!

I thought for a second that they were going to make Josh and Nick take the boats to a still more remote location!

July 15, 2014 9:44 am

Without a doubt she is choosing Josh. She is so attracted to him she can barely see straight. There is no way she is choosing Milwaukee and mental connection (Nick) over hot and heavy and Hotlanta (Josh).

I am not a huge fan of Josh and Andi but they actually make sense to me as a couple.

July 15, 2014 9:51 am

two things that bothered me about last night’s episode: Andi choosing to wear shorty shorts for horseback riding (can we say thigh chaffing, anyone) and the filet on Josh’s plate that hadn’t even been touched (ok, I’m a steak and potatoes girl).

Kudos to Farmer Chris for showing the entire viewing world what a real gentleman is! Whoever lands this guy will be very lucky indeed!

July 15, 2014 9:54 am

Team Josh all the way. I don’t care how white his teeth are. This is one sexy man!

If Chris hadn’t been sent home than I would be more torn. He is a real sweetheart. I hope he passes on being the bachelor and lets Marquel Martin have it. Now there was another winner!!! However, I never did see Andi in Iowa EVER. So this wasn’t surprising.

Nick is arrogant and seems to think he has this loveship all wrapped up. Well maybe he does, but I don’t see it. Maybe she is telling him things that we don’t get to see. Also, I don’t find him attractive in the least. The only week he didn’t turn me off was his hometown date. He seemed more genuine than any other time I saw him, including last night. I thought his lead up to the love confession was sincere and then the words “I Love You” came out so forced.

However, I think she will pick Nick. 🙁 I believe she is too afraid of the sport man stereo type that she has built up in her head.

Lincee, I def agree that Josh and Chris got some pretty crappy dates in comparison to Nick. This could be another sign of the one she picks. Of course, she had to test Josh out in the overnight fantasy suite. Can’t blame her for that.

July 15, 2014 9:55 am

I think she will pick Josh only because her mouth turns downs less when she is with him then when she is with Nick. E-gads, she is Miss Smartypants, hands on hips frown down to her toes, I’m right you ‘re wrong kinda gal. Her children will be scared to death of her and heaven help whoever marries her!

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