Bachelor Becca Recap: Week 7

The Bahamas. I hear it’s the perfect place to fall in love. Although you can’t swim with the pigs anymore, you can pull slimy strings from a conch for a nice pre-dinner snack. Both sound equally romantic.

Becca is super pumped to be island hoping this week since she’s never been to the Bahamas. Neither have any of the six guys in her roster. Our Host Chris Harrison, the jet-setter that he is, finds this piece of information fascinating. I’m not sure if he’s ever been this close to a commoner before.

PS: Love his chest hair.

Surprise, surprise, Becs finds herself falling in love with multiple men. In fact, she sort of kind of maybe understands what Arie was going through when he made bad choices less than six months ago. The idea of breaking someone’s heart makes Becca nauseated, but she’s going to press on for the sake of the show. As we discussed in my podcast last week, the odds for this sticking are pretty good!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Becca lets the boys know that there won’t be a rose ceremony this week. Instead, she’s going to have three one-on-ones and a group date. When she grabs Colton’s hand to escort him to their own private catamaran for the day, Blake looks like he’s going to hurl. Garrett is entranced by the polka dots on his shirt and Wills naps in a blouse/short combo made from the same material as some cheetah-print Victoria Secret panties I had in college.

The producers feed Becca all sorts of sexual innuendoes to tout on national TV because unlike Becca, they know Colton is a virgin. Why else would she be winking at the camera saying “he can pick me up and do whatever he wants with me!”

Bless. Bless that hunky man.

Colton and Becca do the “I’m king of the world” thing and then make out. I shout at the TV for the ABC Intern to fetch them a bottle of SPF 50 because Leo and Kate are a little crispy. Just when he’s about to admit his super secret, a bright yellow boat floats up and a jolly Bahamian invites himself on board the catamaran.

Who wants to dive for conch? Who wants to eat the piston? It’s like Viagra!

Cue all sorts of giggling when the nice man claims that Colton should “please her and not tease her.” Becca politely blushes and Colton takes several deep breaths and plunges into the gorgeous blue water to clear his head. He grabs a conch while he’s down there.

Joe Bahamian celebrates Colton’s prize-winning conch by pulling out a long slimy string from the shell and offering it to both Becca and Colton to “chew like gum.” Good news: It’s an aphrodisiac. Bad news: You’ll probably get the runs later. L’chaim!

That night at dinner, Becca says that Colton would have to drop a crazy bomb for her to NOT give him the rose. The camera switches to Colton sweating profusely as he figures out the words to form a sentence that conveys he’s never had an intimate relationship with a woman. He explains that he chose his football/athletic career before his dating life and as a result, he’s a 26-year-old virgin.

Also, no one knows his secret. Except the five guys in the house. And now her. And the camera crew. And the dude driving the boat. And everyone currently watching on television. Other than that, he’s kept it on the down low.

Becca’s reaction was kind and generous. After blurting out, “FOR REAL?” she gets up from the table to walk around the resort grounds a few times, leaving Colton to sit at the table to stew in his virginity.

Back at the hotel, the boys ponder if Colton will be going home. Garrett thinks that being a virgin is grounds for dismissal. Blake thinks that keeping secrets is definitely worth the boot. Wills is asleep. Leo fixes his hair. And James sits in silence because he understands how this game works.

Our bachelorette eventually returns to the table and pretends to be proud of Colton for having the courage to share with her before fantasy suites. She claims that she respects him and gives him the rose to prove it. Colton makes sure she knows that he’s not waiting for marriage, he’s waiting for the right heart.

GARRETT
Becca loves to Jump & Straddle (trademark pending) Garrett and is excited to take him on a sea plane to their own private island so they can swing on a tire together and re-enact From Here To Eternity on the beach. Garrett pops open some champagne and announces to the world that he and Becca have more fun than any other couple on the planet.

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Becca thanks Garrett for “putting on a brave face” and keeping a positive attitude. He reiterates that life is short and it’s not perfect. But he thinks THEY could be perfect together.

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During their fancy dinner time, Becca asks Garrett who she will be meeting, should he get a hometown date. He lists a few dozen relatives and then Becca brings the conversation back around to the ex-wife. Has he taken anyone home since her?

That would be a big fat no.

Garrett informs Becca, again, that the ex was a hot headed young thing who he never should have married. He thought he could handle her, but he couldn’t. He wanted to take that on, but it backfired.

Now Becca wonders if Garrett is taking her on. Whoopsie.

Garrett goes overboard to tell Becca that he sees a future with her and she would definitely sense if something was off about him. That was an odd way to put it, don’t you think?

Nevertheless, Becca gladly hands over the rose when Garrett tells her that he adores her and that he’s falling in love with her and that she’s everything he’s looking for in a wife.

Becca thinks they complement each other so well. They fit. To prove it, she strips off her dress, revealing a string bikini and takes off into the surf so they can fit there, too.

BLAKE
Our boy Blake fights off the aneurism when his name is called as the final one-on-one date. She executes another flawless Jump & Straddle (trademark pending) into his open arms. They shimmy their way into a collection of innocent resort dwellers for an impromptu Baha Men beach concert where participants try to solve the mystery of who let the dogs out.

Later, Blake admits that he got into his own head a little bit. Surely she sensed it. (Is this what Garrett is talking about?) But now he’s cool and the luckiest man alive. It’s not every day you get to two-step with members of a fairly popular musical group from Y2K.

Becca smiles and proceeds to empathize with his plight. Then she asks him to consider how hard it is for her. She’s falling for multiple men. What’s a girl to do?

This is when I thought Blake was going to die right there on the beach from a massive heart attack. Can you imagine? The last song you ever heard was by the Baha Men? Terrible.

Blake decides that the best way to let down his walls is to share with Becca why he put them up in the first place. When he was in high school, his mom cheated on his dad with his basketball coach / English teacher. Moreover, he found out about the affair from townsfolk.

As a result, he wants to raise his kids in an open and honest environment. Sure he’s had fun falling in love, but he wants to STAY in love. And guess what? He’s in love with Becca. So he tells her.

Becca is stoked. Her heart recognizes his heart. It’s like the Bachelor version of imprinting.

GROUP DATE
First of all, Leo’s top knot is a sight to behold. Second of all, do you think the producers told Wills, Leo, and Jason to walk side-by-side down the pier with menacing looks on their faces? Last of all, why did the guys play volleyball with their shirts on? Everyone knows this is the proper attire for sand volleyball.

During Jason’s one-on-one, he chooses to call a spade a spade. This process is not easy, but it’s not supposed to be easy. He wants to focus on Becca and no one else. So Jason makes out with her because that’s what he does best. As long as she doesn’t run her fingers through his hair, he’s good to go.

Leo is next. And from the get-go, she doesn’t make eye contact with him. She fills the air with all sorts of chatter and sort of cringes when Leo kisses her cheek. Becca knows that this week is the easiest week to get rid of superfluous bachelors, because she can blame it on the dude’s parents.

“I don’t want to put your family through the excitement of meeting me when I know I’m farther along in my relationship with other people. I’m protecting them. You understand, right?”

Poor Leo is forced to trudge the beach alone and think about how the virgin got a rose and he didn’t. Becca rudely fetches both Wills and James and invites them into her dinghy headed back to the resort. Leo gives a haphazard wave as the two-on-one leave their third to let his hair blow in the salty wind.

Dinner is obviously awkward. Jason tries his best to be normal, but he can’t seem to come up with any conversation that will make this moment better. So he grabs Becca’s face and sticks his tongue down her throat. She was very close to touching his conch. I’m just saying.

Becca realizes that hometowns are at stake, so she asks Jason if he has any reservations about bringing her home. He does not. In fact, he has all sorts of clarity. Becca agrees. There’s a physical chemistry for sure. There’s also an emotional and mental connection.

However…

The other dudes, even ones that she ditched moments ago on the beach, have expressed their feelings using words like “falling” and “love.”

Jason doesn’t cave. He doesn’t care that the others are more vocal. He’s vulnerable and has put his heart out there and will drop the “L” bomb when he’s good and ready.

Cut to Wills telling Becca that she’s the reason, not the ganja, of why he’s so calm and peaceful. Also, he still loves her.

Sadly, Becca doesn’t feel the same way about Wills. She gives the rose to Jason and walks Wills to the rejection limo bench. Wills bends over and makes sounds like he’s constipated.

Did he eat the conch, too?

Wills hops in the car and mumbles something about how he thought Becca was his person. He is so overcome with emotion, that he asks the driver to stop the car so he can cry standing up like a man.

Let the record show that I did like Wills’ red pants, but they didn’t hold a candle to Ames’ red pants.

Oh, and Wills will be okay. He’s got a few weeks in Paradise where he can sleep all day long. No worries.