After last week’s show, ABC led us to believe that Episode 7 would be full of grown men sobbing over railings in exotic locations, holding back tears at the rose ceremony and breaking down in rejection limos. Shame on me for buying into the producers’ tricky editing. There was only one emotional moment in the entire two hours and that was the Federal Prosecutor crying to his Mom. Instead of discovering Ponyboy’s huge revelation, we had to suffer through boring date after boring date, wrapped in an array of cliches and large amounts of alcohol. Pull up a chair and join me as I try to conjure up any memorable moments from Madeira, which may be associated with Portugal or North Africa– depending on your Wikipedia research – but is definitely an island in the Atlantic Ocean that has easy access to pirate ships.

What I wouldn’t give for a Jack Sparrow sighting right now.

“It’s CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow you bonny lass. Savvy?”

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life and devastating death of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Desiree is super excited to continue her fairy tale romance in Madeira and has the infinity scarf to prove it. Like every other contestant on this show who has ever been on a boat, she climbs up to the bow with her suitors in tow and claims that she’s king of the world. The pirate ship dances into the cove and I can’t help but thinking of One-Eyed Willie and how awesome it would be if all the dates were based on Goonies.

Spoiler: that didn’t happen. #heyyouguuuuuuuys #imissHashTag

The men high five each other after checking out their island digs. I wondered who would be sharing the twin beds that were squished together in that one room and then marveled at Chris’ wardrobe choice of jorts. Of course he rocked them.

I also wondered which of the producer’s uncle owns Medeira Airlines because ABC foot the bill for Des to fly over a “few good friends” to support her on this love journey. Low and behold, Catherine (as in Sean and Catherine), Lesley (as in Guinness Book of World Records Longest Kiss Lesley) and Jackie (as in Wasn’t She the Red Head Who Got Dumped After Spelunking in a Cave?) all join Des by the pool to share gossip and tropical-infused martinis. Des is rockin’ the bang braid. Lesley is wearing a turquoise statement necklace. (term coined by Some Guy in Austin) Jackie lounges in her hot pink sarong and Catherine has binoculars.

That’s right. The ladies straight up spy on the boys below who just happen to be at the wading pool playing a rousing game of football.

Des is peppered with questions.

“Who is the most adventurous?”
“Who is the best kisser?”
“Who is ready to have a serious commitment?”
“Who has the best body?”
“TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT BROOKS! WE NEED TO PERUSE THE MERCHANDISE!”
“Who is the most athletic?”

Each girl chooses a “favorite” based on two minutes of conversation, choice of swimwear and what physical attraction they can garner from peering 300 yards away through a spy glass. They giggle appropriately at Catherine’s crude joke, pump Desiree full of approval that she totally has the best crop of guys and cheers to a journey that ends in undying love and a nationally televised wedding.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
Brooks

Des picks Brooks up in a tiny little jellybean car, chooses a mountain and begins to drive in the general direction of up. They discuss “code” words that could be used to express their love without actually saying the word love.

Des: “I think these adjectives would be perfect: walking, skipping, running and finish line.”

Even though her list consisted of three verbs and one noun, Brooks seemed okay with the code. I blame the grammatical error on Des’ earlier head injury because there’s no way she could have scaled that mountain in those high wedge sandals without tumbling at least twice.

According to my friend Lara, the proper term to use would have been “loke.” Clearly this is mid-way between like and love. The down side?: It’s not really an adjective either. If we’re stuck with Des’ adjective rule, Lara’s word would have to be modified.  To lokely.  And that doesn’t count either, because it’s an adverb.  If I learned anything in Hallsville Middle School it’s that adverbs tell how, when, where, why and they usually end in LY. I also learned that multiplying fractions is no big problem. It’s the top times the top and the bottom times the bottom. But that doesn’t really apply here, so we’ll be moving on.  [note: this paragraph was amended from my original post. I promise Hallsville is a stellar school that learned me well.]

The pair finally make it to the top of the peak. Des manages not to twist her ankle before making it to the picnic. They talk about family and the future as the clouds roll in.

CUE THE CLOUD NINE CLICHES!

Bless their hearts. Des kept going back to cloud nine. I began to feel sorry for her. Again, I blame it on the earlier head injury.

Brooks: “Things are easy with us.”
Des: “That’s how we roll on cloud nine!”

Brooks: “Life’s a puzzle and I want you to help me figure out the pieces.”
Des: “Is a piece up here on cloud nine?”

Brooks: “It would be cool to have a conversation to plan out our dreams.”
Des: “My dreams have come true. ON CLOUD NINE!”

The entire conversation was random. I kept trying to come up with other metaphors for them. In a matter of moments, I compiled this mental list:

– Get your head out of the clouds.
– Cloudy with a chance of meatballs cornballs.
– Foggy in Medeira Town
– Every cloud has a red wine lining.

Mix it up Des! And speaking of red wine, when I wasn’t brainstorming cloud idioms, I rocked back and forth in anxious anticipation that one or both of them would accidentally spill their red wine on the white blanket, white pants or white shirt. What are the odds the ABC Intern has a Tide To-Go Stick in his back pocket? I’m guessing slim to none. Those inappropriate shoes combined with the head trauma, someone will surely slosh.

Fortunately, I was saved by a scene change. We see our couple wandering hand-in-hand up to a lovely rooftop dinner. I worry for Des, hoping that the ABC Psychotherapist checks on her hourly tonight because only a concussion can explain her plastic skirt. Additionally, Des must be feverish because Brooks is wearing three layers. I doubt his sweater is from the Our Host Chris Harrison collection. Not only was it ill-fitting, but it was a bold olive and eggplant stripe. He looked like he should have been cheering on his favorite Quidditch team. GO RUMPLEPUFF! #teamgryffindor

Des admits to the camera that she’s in a full-on sprint with Brooks. I found that odd since “sprinting” was not one of her “code words” but I’m willing to let the lack of continuity pass. Brooks confessed to the camera that he’s nowhere near the emotional journey that Des is on. My guess is that he’s at a leisurely wog. You know, halfway between a walk and jog. Wog.

Whatever the case may be, it’s not enough to stop making out on said rooftop. Fireworks begin to go off and Des compares that to kissing Brooks. They make out a little more and agree that having their own personal fireworks show is probably cooler than sitting on cloud nine.

They never notice the wedding reception down below on the beach. The ABC Intern is sneaky! Oh look! There’s Lesley, Catherine and Jackie crashing the party! I imagine at least one of them will be skipping by dawn!

ONE-ON-ONE DATE TWO
Chris

All the bros are gathered into the living space for Brooks to read Chris’ name on the date card. Traditional high fives are given all around. Chris tries to play it cool, but sneaks in a quick whiff of the card, hoping to smell Des’ perfume. Instead, he gets a big whiff of hot glue and down feathers.

Dude. Everyone knows that the ABC Intern delivers the date card.

Des arrives in a striped romper. Never fear…it’s her swimsuit cover. Phew! She collects Chris and leads him down the pier to a huge yacht where they will spend the day slathering sun block on each other. They will also show great restraint while singing Lonely Island’s epic summer anthem, “I’m on a Boat” why omitting the naughty words. #nauticalthemepashminaafghan

Both feel that the physical chemistry is totally there and decide to explore further by making their way to a desert island for a champagne picnic on a bed of wildflowers. The ABC Intern must have been planting all night.

Wait! I know what this moment needs. POETRY! #sarcasticfont

Let the record show that every single time we have witnessed Des and Chris alone, one has recited poetry to the other. This time their prose will be tossed out to sea in a bottle. They put pen to a sonnet that was so long I had to fast forward because I couldn’t stand hearing them try to come up with another word that rhymed with rose. Not only was it a bit boring, but the cadence was off at the end. “PUT A CORK IN IT,” I screamed to my TV. So they did. And chucked it in the water.

For some reason, ABC chose to edit out the portion of the date where Des and Chris talk about dressing in 80s fashions for dinner. She shows up in mustard yellow and a sequin mini. Chris has a popped collar and is fidgeting like a prepubescent tween. He began twitching, sweating and dorking out because he wanted to tell Des he’s finish lining her.

Naturally, instead of just saying the words, he told her through the method of iambic pentameter. Des loved the gesture enough to make out in a random garden. The voice of a mysterious singer (not Hootie, or that other chick, or that dude with the piano) serenaded them in the roses. Chris is finishing lining HARD.

THIRD ONE-ON-ONE DATE
The Federal Prosecutor

Poor Fed. Everyone is on their fifth date with Des and he’s just now getting to his first one-on-one. Strike one, dude. ABC kept showing b-roll footage of cats. Apparently they are as common as a Starbucks in America and were the most entertaining thing on this date. Strike two.

A toboggan careening down the streets provided a much-needed action sequence. It’s unfortunate that Des was screaming with glee as the Fed hung on for dear life and turned a suspicious shade of green. Again, I was nervous during this date because I just knew that if the tobogganeers (yep I made that word up) made one wrong step, our bachelorette and the Fed would end up as cat food splattered on these adorable streets.

Spoiler: that didn’t happen.

Des chooses a white mini dress with a denim jacket for dinner. Her bang braid is a little wispy from whirling 90 miles per hour down the streets but she totally doesn’t care. #bangbraidsforever

The Prosecutor tries to make up for lost time by dominating the entire conversation. He talks about his mom raising him when he was a kid, his diabetes, what he wants read on his tombstone, and ends with a long soliloquy about an ex-girlfriend who cheated on him. Des both emotionally and physically checked out. I personally saw the moment when her eyes glazed over for good. Strike three my friend. You’re out.

But not before you get your own private street concert to a random woman and her traveling acoustic band singing the rousing aria of “O Sole Mio.”

Des: “That lady is so right on! I want to shut my eyes too! Would that be rude? I could pretend I am really into this piece and am moved by the range and rich texture of the sounds. What if he tries to make out with me right here? Oh crap. His tongue is in my mouth. Easy Don Johnson.”

TWO-ON-ONE
Shirtless Zak and Ponyboy

Des made Ponyboy and Zak ride go-carts around a winding course and the winner would get to have the first one-on-one time with Des. I found this “prize” to be a bit of a crock since both guys actually got one-on-one time. What was really funny was how both guys decided to do their talking head interviews with their helmets still on their heads. #loke

She lines them up and does her best Cha Cha DiGregorio impression to start the race.

Speaking as a former thespian who once played Cha Cha in the 1994 spring production of “Grease,” her performance was a bit “Sandy” for me. And I’m not talking about leather pants, permed hair Sandy. I’m talking hopelessly devoted Sandy. #bestdanceratStBernadettes

Zak is the big winner and uses his extra special 10 minutes well by settling in on the blankets spread among the foliage sticking out of the middle of tires and pulling out a sketch pad full of date memories. Naturally, his own abs were page one. They made out a little to the smell of burnt rubber before she made the switch to Pony.

She led him to four tires stacked together with a pillow on top and that’s where he told her that he loves her and really, really wants her to meet his family. Actually saying “I love you” trumps a charcoal rendering of abs, so Drew got the date rose. Zak high fives Ponyboy’s rose and then some chach makes them both kiss her on either side of the cheek. Cheese. Whiz.

HARRISON MENTORING SESSION

Des arrives looking the best she’s looked all season in a gorgeous turquoise gown. Looks like the Pier One Bureau was important enough to make the trip! She sits down with Harrison to decompress about her boys.

OHCH: “So…who’s in it to win it?”
Des: “Drew is the best looking guy I’ve ever met.”
Lincee: “Please. Look who is sitting across from you woman! Show some respect!”

OHCH: “I’m going to say a name. Brooks. Why are you giggling?”
Des: “I’m totally myself with him. I’m totally at the finish line with him.”

OHCH: “Finish line?”
Des: “Yup. I can confidently say that. It’s hard to admit, but I’m in love with him!”
Lincee: “Clearly you are breaking all protocol previously set forth by Fleiss and his minions. I’m intrigued. What are you up to ABC?”

OHCH: “So is this over? Are we closing up shop early?”
Des: “Well. Not really. I’m also falling for Chris.”
Lincee: “Is it loke or skipping?”

OHCH: “But Des you know he rhymes.”
Des: “Yes I know. All the time.”
Lincee: “I prefer my Corona with lime.”

To no one’s surprise, roses are eventually handed out to Brooks, Chris and Zak, along with Ponyboy.

The Fed is devastated and pours his heart out in a very manipulative way I might add, to Des on the rejection bench. He’s allowed to call his mother in the rejection limo and I immediately think that she needs to be added to the roster of that show ABC is producing with Manny and Jan.

What do y’all think? Will there be meltdowns next week? Were you surprised that Des admitted to loving Brooks already? Did the Fed ever stand a chance? Is Zak a contender? Are you excited for hometown dates? Sound off in the comments.

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee