Welcome fellow Bachelor franchise lovers! It’s that time of year where ABC goes above and beyond to find 12 total tool bags who bring a colorful mixture of drama and crazy to the show, two socially unacceptable dorks who undoubtedly drink Zima at the cocktail parties, four wacky, loveable side-kick types who steal the hearts of all women with at least one Molly Ringwald movie in their DVD collection, one token African-American to counter the pending discrimination law suit, two closeted gay guys for that extra sizzle and four viable candidates who have an actual chance to win the affection of Emily Maynard and Little Ricki. Crack open the boxed wine and pass the Advil ladies and gentleman. The Bachelorette is back!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

In case you didn’t know, Emily Maynard has a daughter. She wears pink, feeds ducks and lets balloons go in parks before being reprimanded by her Mom to cease the potty talk with her friends in the back of their tricked out classic white Suburban. More than anything, Em wants to find a father figure for Little Ricki and admits that she is ready to find love after a devastating courtship with Hotter-Than-Crap Brad Womack. A shimmery gold cocktail dress, the smooth swipe of pink lip gloss and a pep talk with Our Host Chris Harrison is all the dainty girl needs before facing 25 guys lucky enough NOT to land in the pool of gentleman callers in Ashley Hebert’s season who are vying for the heart and affection of our bachelorette and her mini me. Game on!

Our Host is looking debonair in a simple black suit with a tie that comes close to being labeled “skinny” without actually being skinny. He’s so now. He takes a moment to absorb the awesomeness that is Emily as they talk about the upcoming parade of dorks.

OHCH: “How is America’s newest sweetheart feeling?”
Emily: “I’m not sure. I haven’t met Blue Carter yet. Hopefully this gig will provide lots of opportunities for me.”

OHCH: “So what do you want out of this gig?”
Emily. “Babies. Lots and lots of babies. I’m 26-years-old for crying out loud. Time is WASTING AWAY before my poison-injected eyelids and I want a family really bad.”

OHCH: “Gathering context clues, I’d say you want to be engaged?”
Emily: “Sure. But I’m sort of tired of being engaged too. Don’t get me wrong. Being engaged is special and should be saved for the person you’re going to marry. But I’m ready now.”

Harrison escorts Emily to the protection of the porte-cochère outside the rented Charlotte mansion. It’s the first time I’ve missed the freshly washed driveway. One can only assume after last night’s Chach procession that the ABC Intern was busy managing the never-ending props from the suitors who spared no expense to make their memorable first impression something that none of us will ever (as hard as we try) forget. Let’s meet the lucky bunch!

Aaron
36
Biology Teacher
Canada
Why you remember him:
Aaron scored a fake pair of glasses, confidently strolled up to Emily and told her that even though he was a biology teacher, he wanted to see if they had any chemistry. Perhaps he can tell me why I have the urge to throw up right now? I hope the other Dalton Academy Warblers weren’t mad he failed to meet up with them in the auditorium to practice the mash-up of Toto’s “Africa” and the song from “St. Elmo’s Fire.”
Status: Rose

Alejandro
24
Mushroom Farmer
Colombia
Why you remember him:
Alejandro saunters up to our bachelorette and smoothly utters sweet nothings in Spanish. Emily carefully and clearly responds, “YO SOY EM-I-LY. DONDE ESTA EL BANO? CAN YOU SAY ADOBE? AAAAHH-DOE-BEEEE? GRACIAS.” He kisses her on the cheek, effortlessly covers a smirk and walks away smitten. I eat a handful of M&Ms wondering if Alejandro will grow some shrooms in the dark space under the mansion stairs, effortlessly roll my eyes and think about Roberto.
Status: Rose

Alessandro
30
Grain Merchant
Brazil
Why you remember him:
Alessandro saunters up to our bachelorette and smoothly utters sweet nothings into her ear. Emily carefully and clearly responds, “YO SOY EM-I-LY. MUCHO GUSTO. DONDE ESTA “YOU LOOK LIKE A LATIN BRAD PITT” IN ESPANOL?” He casually tucks a strand behind his ear, kisses her on the cheek and concludes that Emily is adorable for not knowing the difference between Spanish and Portuguese. I eat a handful of M&Ms, wonder if Latin Brado Pitto would look hotter with his hair cut and think about Roberto.
Status: Rose

Arie
30
Race Car Driver
The Netherlands and/or Arizona
Why you remember him:
Arie owned his skinny tie, marched right up to Emily, told her that he was a race car driver and gave her every opportunity to cry about it on his shoulder. Fortunately for Arie, she affirmed that he was probably hot in a race car and flashed a winning smile before pouring him a glass of celebratory milk for being so awesome.
Status: Rose

Brent
41
Technology Salesman
Midland, Texas
Why you remember him:
Brent wore a name tag so Emily would remember him later in the party. Sadly, he forgot to put it back on because when he told her he had six kids, I collectively asked the girls in my living room, “Who is this guy and is he about to show her a picture of six goats or does he legitimately have six kids?” We’ll never know the answer to that question because…
Status: No Rose

Charlie
32
Recruiter
Worcester, MA
Why you remember him:
Contrary to the questionable sweater he was wearing in the “Meet the Bachelors” home town opening montage, Charlie is one of my front-runners. And it’s not because he fell 15-feet off of a balcony and suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI). It’s mainly because he has an adorable bulldog and joked with Emily that his face was half titanium. Being that Emily’s face is half plastic, I was surprised that she actually jumped when Charlie pretended to bite her when she poked his forehead with her index finger to feel the steel plate. TBI Charlie forever!
Status: Rose

Chris
25
Corporate Sales Director
Bartlett, IL
Why you remember him:
Chris has shifty eyes. Oh yeah. And he carries a bobble head of himself around in his coat pocket. Lord help us all. Oh look! He had one made of Emily as well! Had it not favored Diane Sawyer instead of our sweet, little bachelorette, I’d say cross “cake topper” off the pending wedding to-do list and move on to securing the deejay. I think I know a guy who has his own jambox.
Status: Rose

David
33
Singer/Songwriter
Charlottesville, VA
Why you remember him:
Writing comes naturally to David. Right before our eyes, he was able to spontaneously create a song that perfectly describes our bachelorette. I took the liberty of pausing the DVR zero times to make sure I caught each and every lyric as they burst through the speakers of his Casio keyboard.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, EMILY
Emily!
Emily!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, EMILY
Emily!
Emily!

Status: Rose

Doug
33
Charity Director/Real Estate Agent
Seattle, WA
Why you remember him:
Doug goes straight for the jugular and opens with this classic heart string puller, “Hi Emily. I’m Doug. I’m from Seattle and left my little boy there to go on this journey. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. How’s Ricki doing with all this?” Later, Doug pulls out a note penned on loose-leaf paper from the 11-year-old which specifically spells out all the attributes that make Doug the best Dad in the entire world. Emily swoons and is happy that someone else “gets” her.
Status: First Impression Rose

Jackson
29
Fitness Model
Chicago, IL
Why you remember him:
Jackson read somewhere that real men wear pink. To show that he’s a REAL, real man, he chooses to wear a hot pink tie on a pale pink shirt. He gets down on one knee, grabs Emily’s hand and quotes something he read on a little tchotchke by the cash register in Hudson News before purchasing the latest Men’s Health magazine and blue Gatorade at the O’Hare Airport a few days ago: “Life is not measured by the moments of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.” Repulsed by Emily’s blatant disregard of his clever first impression, he strips down to his bare abs to show Emily and America what she/we/they are REALLY missing. Dude. Next time lead with those.
Status: No Rose

Jean-Paul
35
Marine Biologist
California
Why you remember him:
You don’t.
Status: No Rose

One “F” Jef
27
Entrepreneur
St. George, UT
Why you remember him:
I don’t know about your watching party, but when One F rolled up on his skateboard, there was an appropriate blend of “When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way!” and “Marty McFly…” interspersed with “Do you think Conan believes that imitation is the greatest form of flattery?” that rippled out from the women in my living room. One F likes being underestimated. He doesn’t need to tell people he’s quirky. He lets the board to that for him. Just when I’m about to get all Jimmy Neutron on his hair, Jef shares that he is a bottled water entrepreneur who has a side charity business that builds water wells for the underprivileged. Surprisingly, he gives off a cool vibe that doesn’t seemed forced or unauthentic. I predict he will go far enough for Emily to break his heart after she inevitably chooses Blane to take her to the prom.
Status: Rose

Joe
27
Field Energy Advisor
Orlando, FL
Why you remember him:
After shouting, “EM-I-LY” as he exited the limo, Joe danced a little jig. He’s quite the jokester, that Joe! Are you wondering why he looks so familiar? Wonder no more people…

Why yes! He is the love child of B-class actor Brecklin Meyer and Dawson’s Creek heartthrob James Van Der Beek!
Status: Rose

John “Wolf”
30
Data Destruction Specialist
St. Louis, MO
Why you remember him:
Two things come to mind.
1. Do they really call you Wolf? Or did you assign that nickname to yourself? Be honest John.
2. Data destruction specialist, huh? I bet you can shred paper like nobody’s business!
Status: Rose

Kalon
27
Luxury Brand Consultant
Houston, TX
Why you remember him:
HOUSTON REPRESENT! What is it with ABC’s need to make guys from Texas the resident douche bags on this show? (See: He Who Must Not Be Named, Weatherboy and Hotter Than Crap Brad) Kalon arrives via helicopter, schmoozes Emily for a few seconds, lint rolls the custom-made jacket he scored from Joseph A. Bank with his employee discount, strides into the sunken living room full of testosterone and leads with this gem, “I saw y’all from above. It looks like you’re having a party. Sorry I’m late. Where’s the bar?” Thanks to his douchey entrance, he has been given the tribal name Helicopter Guy by the natives.
Status: Rose

Kyle
29
Financial Advisor
Long Beach, CA
Why you remember him:
Cue crickets chirping here.
Status: Rose

Lerone
29
Real Estate Consultant
Laguna Beach, CA
Why you remember him:
Lerone is a big guy with a little dog who likes to run in traffic.
Status: No Rose

Michael
26
Rehab Consultant
Tahoka, TX
Why you remember him:
Michael is mysterious, probably eats granola, would be more comfortable in a hoodie and flip flops, gives guitar picks as gifts and lives in Austin. All of these things are really irritating to his father, Professor Snape.
Status: Rose

Nate
25
Accountant
Scottsdale, AZ
Why you remember him:
Emily thinks Nate smells really good. He thinks she is really gorgeous. That’s all I’ve got. Who are these people? Truly?
Status: Rose

Randy
30
Marketing Manager
Oak Creek, WI
Why you remember him:
What’s the quickest way to a woman’s heart? I’ll give you a hint. The answer is NEVER dressing up like an old lady and ALWAYS bringing your real Nana. I bet Randy is STILL regretting that decision. But let’s look on the bright side: At least they can park in a handicap space as he films his exit interview in the back seat of the rejection limo. That lining is as silver as his fake wig. Here’s hoping Harrison’s entourage doesn’t accidentally run over Grandma on his way back to Wisconsin.
Status: No Rose

Ryan
31
Pro Sports Trainer
Augusta, GA
Why you remember him:
Ryan has big muscles and likes working with kids at sports camps. And he has a golden doodle dog and wears a Bump-it in his hair. He had a clever opening line that warmed the cockles of my entire watching party’s hearts. After pretending to be nervous, he pulls out “notes” from him pocket and starts a soliloquy about the wonder that is Emily Maynard. From Em’s point of view, the back of the paper reads, “You are so beautiful.” When he flips to pretend read the other side, it reads, “I’m so nervous.” Cheesey? Absolutely. But in a refreshing Laughing Cow instead of Velveta sort of way.
Status: Rose

Sean
28
Insurance Agent
Dallas, TX
Why you remember him:
Sean has that Ken Doll look about him. I’m hoping he’s covering up a nice set of Jackson abs under that purple checkered shirt and striped tie. Fingers crossed!
Status: Rose

Stevie
26
Party MC
Monroe Township, NJ
Why you remember him:
Stevie searched high and low for days and FINALLY found the perfect jambox from a reliable seller on Craig’s List. Word to your mother, Stevie! He kicks it old-school, dancing and rockin’ the beat with his fly entrance in the mansion courtyard. Luckily, Emily appreciates the classics and has actually seen “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.” She pins a red rose on Stevie’s green shirt and we all feel that we have truly witnessed a Christmas miracle.
Status: Rose

Tony
31
Lumber Trader
Beaverton, OR
Why you remember him:
For a while, I was unsure of Prince Charming’s real name because he introduces himself as Prince Charming — or perhaps he actually did share his given name and I was too busy being distracted by the clear acrylic shoe he was carrying on a tacky silk pillow. Apparently, the good Prince shops at Payless. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I love a good BOGO. Who doesn’t? I bet the entire west wing of Emily’s mansion is dedicated to footwear. Even though PC received a rose, my advice would be to bust out the cross fit moves next week because it appears that Cinderella is totally smitten with charming race car drivers.
Status: Rose

Travis
30
Advertising Sales Rep
Madison, MS
Why you remember him:
At first glance, Travis looks like a normal, viable candidate for Emily. Then he pulls out a dragon egg and compares said egg to our bachelorette and her offspring. That was mistake No. 1. He promises to guard and protect that dragon egg just like he would guard and protect Emily and Little Ricki. Note to Travis: Haven’t we learned our lesson when uttering the phrase “guard and protect” on this show? Say hello to mistake No. 2. Since Emily graciously extended him a rose, I hope that he was confident enough to pack a Baby Bjorn carrier for group dates and a Moses basket for hot tub adventures, or someone’s waking up to an Olympic-sized omelet in the morning.
Status: Rose

So what do you guys think? Will Emily be a snoozer Bachelorette? Does the race car driver already hold the keys to her heart? Were you surprised that she kept both Andros? Will they be best friends like the Grobans? Do you still miss Roberto like me? Sound off in the comment section!

All about the fame, not the shame,
Lincee