Bachelorette Gabby and Rachel Recap | Fantasy Suites

It’s the fantasy suites, people, and that means ABC will stretch two hours of solid entertainment into four hours of frivolity. Let the record show that we did get some juicy tidbits of information, and significant tea was spilled all over Gabby’s florescent go-go dancer dress from the 60s. But that doesn’t mean we were devoid of stagnant moments of Aven trying to look interesting while kissing Rachel on a yacht.

And don’t get me started on Uncle Jesse’s ominous promo for the first installment of next week’s finale. Did he just ask me to prepare myself for the most dramatic season ever? I guess that means I’ll have to massage my eyeballs, so they don’t get stuck when I roll them back into my skull.

But before we get to the promo, let’s break down the dates.

Rachel and Aven

Can you say snooze fest? Poor Aven. As he galavants on a yacht with a hot pink bikini-clad Rachel in his arms, showrunners were forced to cut to Tino during the daytime portion of Aven’s boring date. Spoiler alert: Tino thinks this entire scenario is a waste of time since he’s clearly going to be the last man standing. The showrunners also make Rachel tell the camera seventeen times that she will NOT throw around “the L word” like Clay-en did his season.

Instead of being all the way in love, Rachel chooses to tell Aven that she’s falling in love. That’s a totally different use of “the L word,” and you can’t stop her from beaming as Aven almost cries upon hearing this declaration. And since a lowercase version of “the L word” has been tossed out, everyone is comfortable forgoing their individual suites.

Aven proudly takes that prop skeleton key, saunters into the fancy hotel room, toasts Rachel with champagne, and escorts her to the bedroom. The next morning we learn that Aven is “the full package,” and I throw up while Rachel giggles like a school girl.

Rachel and Tino

Question: Has Tino ever ridden a horse before?

Second question: Why did Rachel choose to wear a strapless peasant top when she knew she would be embarking on such a bouncy journey?

Horseback riding aside, Tino can sense that Rachel is nervous about something other than her boobs popping out of her shirt. He point blank asks her at dinner, and sure enough, Rachel laments the fact that Tino’s parents absolutely hate her! (PS: Tino’s parents hate the process.)

Tino is surprised to learn that his father told the love of his life that he wouldn’t disown his son if he pursued down this path, but he certainly wouldn’t accept it. Tino recognizes the damage control he must do and launches into a monolog proclaiming that his parents will get on board. Why? Because he loves the woman sitting in front of him, and that’s a fact. The end.

Rachel is super hyped to be star-crossed lovers. Plus, Tino said he loved her!

Rachel: “I love you, too!”

Hey Rachel. Remember how you said you wouldn’t drop L-bombs during fantasy suites? Just checking.

Tino and Rachel head to the fantasy suite to get busy. There was no mention of Tino’s full package.

Rachel and Zach

After yachting and horseback riding, Rachel has decided to piddle around the city with Zach. They try on sombreros, eat bugs, and dance in front of a mariachi band. Then they stumble upon a tequila bar and settle in for the afternoon. Zach professes his love for Rachel, and she takes him straight to the fantasy suite.

When we see them the next morning, things are hella awkward. Rachel persistently asks Zach over and over if they are okay. Zach’s plastered-on smile is a joke. He leaves the fantasy abode and heads straight for Uncle Jesse. MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Rachel is someone different behind closed doors.

Twist!

I’m not one hundred percent sure what Zach is talking about, but he did offer a few clues. When they had the “religion and politics” talk, there was some tension. However, the bulk of Zach’s woes stems from Rachel insisting he is not ready to be married since he’s only twenty-five years old.

Zach makes sure to remind us that Rachel is only twenty-six years old.

After twenty minutes of crying and nose-blowing, Zach tells Uncle Jesse that he must tell Rachel how he feels at the rose ceremony. Which he does. Seconds after Rachel reaches for the first boutonniere, Zach asks for a private audience with our bachelorette.

And SCENE!

Gabby and Erich

These two are so cute together, but I found myself worrying about hygiene when I watched their date.

Picture an Olympic diving platform, complete with different height levels. Now replace the sturdy framework with bamboo and place the entire structure in a Mexican rain forest. Instead of chlorinated, clear water, imagine a dirty swamp.

These jokers jumped from every level. Gabby was wearing a string bikini made of yarn. The gynecological odds of Gabby suffering from something worse than a yeast infection are high. I’m so confused.

But the good news is that the jump from the highest perch proved that Gabby and Erich can do anything together as long as they are willing to support each other as they take a leap of faith. Erich is in love. Gabby is over the moon. And the fantasy suite is ready for them to take care of all their needs. I trust there were some antibiotics in the gift basket under the chocolate-covered strawberries.

The next morning, Gabby whispers something interesting in Erich’s ear. She asks him to please be patient. Then she walks away so she can prep for fantasy date number two.

Gabby and Johnny

In my opinion, Johnny wasn’t in this to win it. After sailing through the morning, the pair find a random beach blanket so they can talk about life, love, and other mysteries. Gabby quickly discovers that Johnny is in no way, form, or fashion ready to get down on one knee and propose in a week. Gabby graciously extends an understanding nod and tries to remind him that she was once in his shoes, and she knows how hard it is to be in this position.

But Johnny sticks to his guns. He will not meet Uncle Neil. He will not sweat to death at the Home Depot proposal pedestal. He will not plop down on one knee and profess his love.

So Gabby boards the sailboat and leaves Johnny on the beach, where he presumably walked a mile to the open arms of Bachelor in Paradise women. Gabby tells the camera that she’s glad Johnny is gone because she has two men who are here for the right reasons and are willing to go the distance.

DOH!

Hello, sweet Gabby. Jason is not ready to go the distance, either. He just told Uncle Jesse. So sorry!

Gabby and Erich Part 2

Gabby returns from leaving Johnny in Paradise, only to find a note at her door from a mystery man, asking to meet her on the bridge. It’s Erich, and Gabby is visibly happy that her mullet man tossed out the rulebook and asked the cameras to follow him, sneaking some extra time with his woman. Hooray!

They embrace on the bridge. Then Erich whispers in her ear that he’s anxious, “picturing the woman he loves doing stuff with other guys.” Gabby’s face falls, and she pulls away to look him in the eye, furious that he is bringing up something on camera that they already discussed in the privacy of their fantasy suite.

Erich looks taken aback. Probably because he had no idea that doing what the producers asked him to do would backfire in such a major way. Gabby does NOT want to be told what to do, so she stalks off toward her room, leaving Erich to quietly seethe at his handlers for tricking him.

Gabby and Jason

After spending some time teaching Gabby how to play tennis and frolicking in the pool right around the corner from where Erich is standing on his balcony, Jason tells Gabby at dinner that he’s not ready.

In the most normal, real, common sensed moment in Bachelor history, we listen as Jason lists the reasons why getting engaged is not a good idea. First, they don’t know what is real and what isn’t. They are living in a Bachelor Nation bubble. Second, he’s not himself with the cameras and microphones around. Third, he doesn’t know who Gabby is, and he’s sure she doesn’t know the real him.

Gabby’s jaw literally drops at this comment. She takes a moment to be alone in the bushes. Jason wisely follows her there, imploring that she listens to reason. He is willing to do this outside of the bubble. But he’s not going to do it with a diamond ring on her finger.

They choose to forgo their individual rooms to stay AND TALK in the fantasy suite together as a couple.

Unfortunately, the next morning, the first shot we see is a dead fly in the chardonnay glass. There is no background music. Gabby stands alone, a tear-streaked face looking out to the ocean and her forgotten dream of marrying a guy who regularly sees his therapist.

Gabby fills in the blanks. She and Jason spoke in circles all night long. He eventually reached a place where he claimed they were not meant to be. Gabby checks in with him one more time the morning after, and his mind is made up. The journey is over.

Gabby and Erich Part 3

Now that Johnny is in Paradise and Jason is back off the grid, Gabby has decided that the one she loves is the last man standing. She puts on a shirt that is a true feat of engineering, with its fabric front and gold chain back, and knocks on Erich’s door. After a solid two minutes of confusing mental gymnastics that could have gone a number of ways, Gabby declares Erich her one true love, and they celebrate by making out on the couch.

What’s Next?

Who knows? Will Zach leave on his own accord after questioning Rachel’s character? Will Aven and Tino meet her family? And what is the dramatic thing we are supposed to prepare for, per Le Palmer’s warning? And why is this TWO NIGHTS? Do we have that much material? Sound off in the comments section with your thoughts! No spoilers, please!