Bachelorette Gabby and Rachel Finale Recap: End of the Road
Bachelorette Gabby and Rachel Finale Recap | Finale Part 2
We’ve reached the end of the road, dear reader. Rachel and Gabby’s journeys have come to a close. As we celebrate two proposals, one breakup, one reunion, and the announcement of our new Melba Toast bachelor, I’m reminded of why we waste our time watching this show.
When we can’t root for love, we root for crazy.
Let me boil the part 2 finale down to its most basic form. Here’s a Top 10 List of what you need to know so you can talk to your friends or comment on social media like you actually watched the show.
You read that correctly, dear one. Both Rachel and Gabby were blessed with an Uncle Neil ring, the last man standing dropping to a knee, the screech of both women and a few dozen peacocks, and a declaration to live happily ever after.
Zero people thought the celebratory ending of Rachel riding off into the Mexican sunset as a shiny happy couple was the current status of their relationship. For weeks, I’ve said that Rachel’s journey ends in a dumpster fire.
The more shocking revelation of this portion was the gold band on both engagement rings. Uncle Neil pushed for the gold, and he pushed yellow HARD.
CHEATER, CHEATER, PUMPKIN EATER
The scene switches to Le Palmer and Rachel in the studio. Neither she nor Big Tony seems amused. Jesse asks Rachel to walk us through the drama since the engagement, and she wastes no time explaining that her sour face results from Tino cheating. Flat out CHEATING.
Roughly ten minutes later, we learn that everything was not coming up roses after Mexico because relationships are hard, y’all. Especially when you’ve known the person for 15 days. In a moment of uncertainty, when things were rocky, Tino kissed another girl in a bar during that grey area in the timeline when our two engaged couples are forbidden from expressing their love in public, lest they spoil the surprise.
This doesn’t make sense to you either? Well, that won’t do. It’s time for the ABC Intern to rent the VRBO they stuck Arie and Becca in when he told her he made a mistake and wanted to be with Lauren. The only missing thing was the yellow couch stained with Becca’s salty tears.
WE WERE ON A BREAK
Seriously. Around the premiere, ABC discovers Tino’s indiscretion and convinces him and Rachel to hash it out in a room full of cameras. When Tino arrives, looking miserable, and asks if Rachel wants to “go first,” we experience the first of an array of Rachel’s WTF facial expressions.
Tino admits to “messing up” by kissing another girl. He’s not “taking anything away” from Rachel and wants to just “get past it.” Rachel is unimpressed by his lack of details, so Tino shoots himself in the foot by presenting Exhibit A: His journal from the last several weeks.
A quick perusal of the evidence allows Tino to recall how many times Rachel hurt his feelings the week of the premiere. For example, Rachel claimed to “be in a bad place” and that she couldn’t do the “happy couple this weekend.” The pièce de résistance that received the best reaction was when Tino claimed that Rachel threatened to give the ring back.
OH NO, HE DIDN’T.
Rachel demands that Tino look her in the eyes and lie again. How dare he not provide context for these “receipts.”
We then witnessed an entire five minutes of “I did not” versus “You did too” regarding the ring and if they were actually on a break. Rachel believes if that were the case, and they were no longer engaged, more people would have been in the know, and that yellow band emerald cut would not still reside on her freshly polished left ring finger. Tino remains hella confused.
So much so that he storms outside to vent to his handler. The woman kindly shows him the ironclad contract he signed in blood and points him back into the house for round two. Tino scuttles outside minutes later to make a mysterious phone call. I won’t get into the details of his open shirt, but I will say that we have bets on who Tino was calling. It’s either his agent, who lets him down easy that he won’t be joining Gabby on Dancing with the Stars, an Uber driver, or the kissing bandit woman who is his ride home.
Look, Tino cheated on Rachel by kissing another woman during their engagement. Even if they were on a break, it’s in poor taste, and Rachel will not bend to any pressure for this to be a forgive and forget thing. Especially when Tino lets it slip that he didn’t think that she needed to know.
Cool, Tino. What else aren’t you telling us?
Tino slinks into the studio audience to face the haters, Big Tony, a sneering Grandpa John, and Rachel, who tries to keep her cool. All she’s looking for is an apology.
Tino perfectly delivers the points he memorized in his Crisis Media 101 training the day before. However, Rachel acts like she’s freshly wounded and we are treated to an encore presentation of the VRBO house debate. She’s not ready to accept the nine apologies Tino offers.
And to make matters even more humiliating, Palmer trots out Aven, who has demanded to see Rachel all day long. How convenient that this is the moment he shows up at the studio door! He asks to whisk Rachel away, she accepts, and Tino is left to awkwardly ask Jesse, “Should I stay?”
Jesse shrugs his shoulders. He has no clue.
Now that Aven has literally whisked Rachel away from the studio, Gabby is free to bask in the glow of her relationship, which is now public. She can hard-core make out with Erich all she wants, and no one can say a darn thing about it except Jesse, who asks them to calm the heck down.
He’s got bigger fish to fry. It seems that Erich was dating someone right before he came on the show. Screenshots of unfortunate text messages have been circling social media, and they paint Erich in a jack wagon light. Read it for yourself:
Gabby defends Erich by telling Palmer that Erich was wrong, but he understands his actions were that of a total Chach. Then, instead of digging into other transgressions that have popped up, Gabby plugs her current Dancing with the Stars gig and begs the audience to pay for Disney+ so they can vote for her to win the mirrorball trophy.
That’s right! Gabby and Erich are shoved out of the spotlight so the new guy can start his journey RIGHT NOW. Rachel’s castoff, Zach is the bachelor. In my extensive research, I’ve found zero people excited about this pick.
Let me remind y’all that we don’t watch The Bachelor for the bachelor. We watch it for the catty cast of women who surround him. Stay with me, people! Don’t give up now! WE’VE COME TOO FAR!
I will say that ABC put more thought and planning into transforming the studio into a mock version of the front of the mansion than they did prepping Zach and the five women who somehow landed the chance to compete for “America’s First Impression Rose.”
Jesse walks us through the power we now possess. We the people get to judge five fake limo exits and then choose who is best suited for our guy via a simple Twitter hashtag.
Brooklyn immediately curses and is censored by ABC. Brianna is an entrepreneur at 24 and has to help Zach take a selfie with a Polaroid. We are instructed to think about Bailey on the daily. Cat is a professional dancer from New York and warns Zach that dating her isn’t for the weak(!) And Christina tries to liquor Zach up with tiny bottles of airplane alcohol.
The entire exchange with Zach was cringe-worthy. I spent most of my time listening behind a couch cushion. Particularly when Palmer asks Zach to name the five women he just met. THE HORROR!
Big Paulie arrives with the super secret envelope with the lucky winner’s name carefully printed. Brianna is America’s favorite after a two-minute voting window. Congratulations, girl!
And there you have it! We made it through three hours of nonsense! Way to go, team!
Who’s joining me for Paradise this year? Although I won’t be recapping the show here, I will podcast with Some Guy in Austin. It’s going to be a germy ride! So come and have fun with us!