Bachelorette Gabby and Rachel Recap | Episode 1

Well, that was different. 

I can confidently presume that no one on the show, including Uncle Jesse and our lovely leading ladies, has any idea what’s happening in this season of The Bachelorette. It’s clear by the lack of detail, the confused facial expressions, and the glaring omission of rose ceremony roses that the entire production team threw all caution to the wind, confiscated a cruise ship, and decided right then and there to let the chips fall where they may. 

In other words, there are no rules because the rulebook doesn’t exist. 

The good news is that Gabby and Rachel are totally BFFs, thanks to their treacherous journey to find love last season in the form of Jesse 2.0, or “Clay-en” as you may know him. Gab and Rach are ecstatic to share this experience together, and they WILL do it holding hands the entire time. Don’t you dare try to stop them.

As Jesse peppers them with vague, generic questions on the freshly sprayed asphalt of the mansion driveway, I assessed our bachelorettes with fresh lenses. Did I know that Gabby was nine-feet-tall and Rachel was a Pocket Person? How much filler can one woman inject into her lips? Is the thigh-high slit in Rachel’s dress what one may call a “cold IT band” design?

The girls answer Jesse in unison, promising the host that this will NOT end in a competition over the same man. Unfortunately, as we saw in the season promo package, the reverse may be true. Based on the number of hugs given to Gabby before Rachel during limo exits, methinks the suitors might be interested in the towering, funny nurse who jokes about her fake tan and hair extensions. This means half the cast may shun our tiny pilot during rose ceremonies. 

It’s going to be awful. Awfully ENTERTAINING. Let’s meet the guys!
(PS: If you click on the man’s name, it will take you to his Instagram.)

Alec

27
Wedding Photographer
Houston, TX

When Alec exited the limo to a gaggle of children singing an ode to how much Clay-en sucks, I questioned if this icebreaker would be deemed worthy of a coveted boutonniere at the end of the night. Why? Because ABC showcased a long string of suitors who used Clay-en’s dufusness and lack of ability to spy a really great gal as their icebreaker fodder. And let me just say that Gabby and Rachel are OVER IT. Please do not bring up the C-Word or any of the spoiled antics that occurred back in the spring. Luckily for Alec, he was one of many who bad-mouthed Clay-en and was therefore not punished.

Aven

28
Sales Executive
San Diego, CA

I like Aven. He was smart enough to do his homework before this shindig. He knew that Gabby’s Grandpa George is an important figure in her life. And he knew that Rachel’s dad Big Tony would make him sleep with the fishes if he even sneezed wrong in Rachel’s presence. He seems to genuinely want to be there and might actually be a normal guy. Woo hoo!

Brandon

23
Bartender
Carlsbad, CA

I’m not sure Brandon was on the show, but he’s in the cast roster, so here’s his picture. Since I have absolutely nothing to say about this man, who looks way older than twenty-three, I’ll use his space to point out the fact that none of the guys knew if they were supposed to pick one girl to focus on or both. The fact that Rachel and Gabby were joined at the hip during the first moments of the cocktail party didn’t really help the situation. Again, there are no rules.

Chris

30
Mentality Coach
Redondo Beach, CA

Chris: “Here’s to a night we’ll never forget!”

Interesting. I don’t remember him at all.

Colin

36
Sales Director
Chicago, IL

Colin shares that he’s wearing a suit made of “husband material.” And we all took a deep swig of our adult beverage whilst rolling our eyes. Do better, Colin.

Erich

29
Real Estate Analyst
Bedminster, NJ

Erich is on my radar, and according to Bachelor Data, he received more screen time than any other bachelor. You see, Erich was one of the few who actually spoke to both women. After pretending not to know how to tie a tie (a decent icebreaker), Erich endeared himself to Gabby by admitting he does not groom his chest hair. When she complimented his mullet and natural curl, Erich asked to kiss the giggly woman cuddled up next to him on the veranda couch. Cue the makeout sesh.

Then we find Erich bonding with Rachel over New York geography and how relationships should happen organically. For one split second, we all held our breath to see if Erich would be the unicorn who makes out with both women. Even though it appeared Rachel was definitely leaning, Erich let the moment pass him by, afraid that it would be poor form to stick his one tongue down two different leading ladies’ throats.

I think it was a wise choice. Do you?

Ethan

27
Advertising Executive
New York, NY

Ethan can juggle apples. The verdict is still out if he can juggle two women.

Hayden

29
Leisure Executive
Tampa, FL

Hayden is one of the unfortunate souls who brought up the C-Word, but he redeemed himself later by presenting Rachel with a homemade birthday card. He also wants to be her co-pilot. Hayden is all Rachel, all day. Gabby who?

Jacob

27
Mortgage Broker
Scottsdale, AZ

Before I saw a baby-oiled Jacob ride up on a white horse like the man on the cover of my Mama’s Harlequin romance novel, I thought he looked like Eric Christen Olsen. Now he’s just Shirtless Jacob who Gabby spent a fair amount of time with on a literal bear-skin rug in front of an open fire. As he flicked back his 90s glam hair, Gabby stared intently at his pecs while he read all the qualities he’s looking for in a woman from a sheet of notebook paper. She didn’t care that it took him ten minutes to recite every little detail. His abs were entertainment enough.

James

25
Meatball Enthusiast
Winnetka, IL

The meatball enthusiast carried a ten-foot-long meatball sub out of the limo, and he never uttered one sexual innuendo. Kudos to you, Meatball.

Of course, Gabby ended the moment with the ever-so-classy, “You handle those balls so well.”

So close.

Jason

30
Investment Banker
Santa Monica, CA

From the looks of the season premiere, I think Jason will go far in this game. Let me tell you, it will not be because of his icebreaker.

Jason: “I’m in love with three women: my mom, my sister, and my dog.”

Did you mean to say “in love,” Jason? Are you sure the sentence wasn’t, “I love three women?” That’s a line you shouldn’t want to cross, my guy.

Joey and Justin

24
Twins
Brookfield, CT

Bless. Joey and Justin did their best to stay in each other’s shadow while pretending they were individual people. They are as different as night and later that night. Gabby was very disappointed to learn that they couldn’t read each other’s minds.

John

26
English Teacher
Nashville, TN

JOHN CALLED THEM BY THE WRONG NAME. Why yes, John, your icebreaker was memorable. Congratulations. PS: Gabby has brown hair and Rachel has yellow.

Johnny

25
Realtor
Palm Beach Gardens, FL

I remember him, and yet I have no notes. Must be the dimples.

Jordan H

25
Software Developer
Tampa, FL

Jordan H understood the assignment that was never officially given to the men. He made both Rachel and Gabby wear noise-canceling headphones while he complimented the other with sweet nothings. The girls LOVED that he treated them individually, even though they were holding hands. Well played, JH.

Jordan V

27
Drag Racer
Alpharetta, GA

Jordan V brought an actual race car to the show, yet he didn’t utilize it in the icebreaker portion of the journey. Instead, he takes Rachel out back to the alleyway where the ABC Intern stores spare throw pillows and flameless candles, so she can see that a race car dashboard is just as fascinating as an airplane. Look at how much they have in common! Uncanny!

Rachel enjoyed the tour and was even sad that Jordan V didn’t make out with her against said race car. We still don’t know if he gave Gabby the same ride.

Justin

32
Physical Therapist
Solana Beach, CA

Justin shows up at the mansion without shoes to prove that he is “grounded.” I don’t get it. And I’m too tired to try and figure out what he meant. Also, that’s disgusting. No telling what bodily functions he’s stepping on in that place.

Kirk

29
College Football Coach
Lubbock, TX

Ugh. Kirk was my guy going into this nonsense, but I think he’s a dork who likes to pretend every place is a locker room full of players who need a motivational talk that will help spur them on to win the big game against their big rivals during halftime. I want him to be less of a chach. Time will tell.

Logan

26
Videographer
San Diego, CA

“I thought that was a rat!” Those were the words that issued forth from Gabby’s fillers as Logan meandered up to our bachelorettes with a fluffy, yellow, baby chick in each hand. The icebreaker was something about “chicks,” which landed on deaf ears since Gabby was visibly afraid of birds.

Logan ditches the chicks with craft services and summons the courage to be one of the few who banters with both women. Rachel and Gabby find Logan endearing, once the threat of poop in their hands or on their couture dresses is eliminated.

Mario

31
Personal Trainer
Naperville, IL

Mario high steps his way into Gabby’s heart and ends the night with a first-impression rose by promising to be present-minded during this adventure.

Now let’s talk about that smooch. It was very smoochy. In an “I’m uncomfortable and need a couch cushion” kind of way. I think Gabby hasn’t taken her new lips for a spin, so there were a few minutes of adjustment that unfolded on national television for all the world to experience. Fun times.

Matt

25
Shipping Executive
San Diego, CA

[Crickets chirping.]

Michael

32
Pharmaceutical Salesman
Long Beach, CA

No one wanted to talk to the old guy.

Nate

33
Electrical Engineer
Chicago, IL

Nate printed Rachel’s face and Gabby’s face on his pillow. Then he said, “The real thing is much better.”

And that was the last we saw of him.

Quincey

25
Life Coach
Miami, FL

Quincey hasn’t had sex in a year in a half. How do I know this very personal information? Quincey offered it after his eloquent opener of, “Hello.”

Roby

33
Magician
Los Angeles, CA

As suspected, Roby pulled out the deck of cards the moment he entered the bachelorettes’ orbit. They were half enamored and half scared. I blessed his heart twice.

Ryan

36
Investment Director
Boston, MA

As Ryan tried to teach Gabby Boston lingo, she was distracted by Ryan’s insistence that the average person greets others by saying, “Hello, good sir. How are you?” Through her own cackling, Gabby can’t hear Ryan’s “Hey guy, how are ya” translation. Stepping on his punchline, Ryan shushes “Gabber,” and later asks her to keep her lips zipped so he can land his funny joke.

Gabby is not deterred. On the contrary, the shushing doesn’t bother her. She likes Ryan’s humor and his willingness to check her nostrils for potential boogers.

Are they a match made in heaven? They just might be.

Spencer

27
Venture Capitalist
Chicago, IL

Spencer gave the girls some chairs because he figured they were tired of standing in their heels. I suspected an immediate proposal by one of the bachelorettes, but that didn’t happen.

Termayne

28
Crypto Guy
Naperville, IL

Termayne dropped a mic in celebratory bliss right onto the glistening driveway. The mic was dropped on his airtime, too.

Tino

27
General Contractor
Playa Del Rey, CA

Tino drove a forklift up to the women, hopped off the seat, and told Gabby and Rachel they were “forking gorgeous.” Rachel fell in love that second. And when Tino sidled up next to her on the mansion stairs to get a little tongue action, Rachel really falls in love. Do we have a Clare situation on our hands? Is it Tino for the win already?

Tyler

25
Small Business Owner
Wildwood, NJ

I thought this was Zach. It’s not.

Zach

25
Tech Executive
Anaheim Hills, CA

Zach fell victim to the “double hug” dilemma. He grabs them in a warm embrace and forgets to share his name.

ROSE CEREMONY

You may be wondering why I didn’t include rose status in the bios. It’s because Rachel and Gabby decided that it was easier to ask three of the guys to join them outside at the break of dawn for a quick rejection than hand out dozens upon dozens of roses to those men who made it past the first week.

Or the union workers stepped in and called it. Or the rose capital of the world ran out of roses. We can’t be sure.

All we know is that the magician and the twins were sent packing less than twenty-four hours after entering the mansion. The rest won’t be able to hang their rose upside down for a future keepsake or make their own potpourri, but they do live to see another day on the compound.

What did you think about the premiere episode of The Bachelorette? Do you have frontrunners? Do you have an idea of how this journey is going to proceed? Sound off in the comments section!