Bachelorette Gabby and Rachel Recap: Something’s Missing

Bachelorette Gabby and Rachel Recap | Episode 2

Seriously, y’all, the franchise has gone off the rails. Don’t get me wrong — I am HERE for it. But the lack of structure makes my brain hurt. And I don’t watch The Bachelorette so my brain can hurt. I watch The Bachelorette so I can hide behind my couch cushion in horror while rolling my eyes in disgust. 

To be clear, there was a lot of that going on last night. However, I found myself trying to objectively puzzle through some of the decisions Gabby and Rachel declared on their journey to find love, only to find great big question marks at the end of my own journey to find clarity. 

For instance, how do they not have enough beds for the guys in the mansion? Did some really sleep on outdoor furniture and the sunken living room couch? Do the guys really do pull-ups on the bunk beds to work out? And why does the ABC cameraman insist on shooting unfortunate crotch shots while guys are doing pushups? 

Which reminds me, a huge thank you to the graphics department for utilizing so many Black Modesty Boxes. Praise hands all day long.

I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s recap!

GROUP DATE

One thing you should be able to count on in California is beautiful weather. Pool parties and hot tubs are the foundation with which the franchise was built. A budding relationship is only as strong as the six-pack abs proudly displayed near the shallow end. Alas, Mother Nature decides to contribute to the unpredictable environment of this season and dumps rain on the mansion. 

Never fear, dear reader. There are no rules. We can take the pool party inside. Who needs water when you have 29 guys in Speedos, willing to compete in a beauty pageant for a chance to win alone time with Gabby and Rachel!

The ABC Intern is on it. He miraculously pulls together matching royal blue robes for the entire cast and procures all sorts of props for the talent competition. I have to say I didn’t know there were that many balls available in the mans, but finding nunchucks, oddly enough, did not surprise me. 

The girls give the guys thirty minutes to prepare. Many use these precious minutes to bulk up their muscles. Or their Speedos with socks. When everything is nice and adjusted, the competition begins. 

Several men juggled balls, spun balls, or had Black Modesty Boxes in front of balls. There were nunchucks, serenades, manly poses, and even a dude in a pilot hat, which Rachel loved. But here are the ones who stood out:

Imagine that drunk guy at a wedding reception who insists on everyone circling around him so he can execute a janky version of “the worm.” That was Logan, but imagine him in leopard panties instead of tuxedo pants. 

Shirtless Jacob was in his element, for sure. Wearing glasses with his cheetah-print thong was a nice touch. The best part was when he sat down in front of Rachel and Gabby, promising to teach them how to save money on a 30-year mortgage. Now that’s a skill we can all use! 

And then there was Meatball. Bless. He poured a perfectly good jar of marinara sauce all over himself. Then licked it off his fingers. I may have puked a little in my mouth before figuring out if the talent was “pouring” or “licking” in this scenario. 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Later that afternoon, an envelope arrives, and one of the faceless brunettes reads the names of six guys who get to party it up with Rach and Gab. Aven, Logan, Brandan, Jason, Johnny, and Collin are the lucky pageant winners! 

I have to admit that Brandan, Collin, and Jason were all three a surprise to me. All three had very little screen time. Other than Logan, I feel this was a pretty obscure group of dudes. How encouraging that our bachelorettes are taking this seriously and genuinely want to get to know these guys better!

[record scratch]

It’s the first aco taco moment of the season. Rachel is excited to get to know Jason. In his defense, he comes out of the gate confessing his affection for Gabby and gently lets Rachel off the hook. MY ENNEAGRAM 9 CAN’T TAKE THIS!

Rachel handles it like a champ. She knew this would happen. Duh. Instead of grabbing another fella, she slinks off to find Gabby to let her know that the inevitable has occurred, only to find her BFF making out hard with Johnny in the next room. #bummer

Sadly, Brandan’s “I only have twelve more states in the USA to visit” conversation is quickly beating Collin’s “Have you listened to Harry Potter on Audible” discussion. Please note that Rachel is bored by both and wonders why no one is kissing her already.

First of all, visiting all the states in the USA is cool. Second, the guy who narrates Harry Potter on Audible is a genius, and you should all go listen after you read my recap. 

Rachel doesn’t care, though. Gryffindor or Hufflepuff. Britney or Christina. Whatever happened to making out under the bleachers or in a waterfall? Do these guys have any libidos?

One does, and his name is Logan! He doesn’t ask if she squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle or the bottom. Logan leans in and smoothly tells Rachel that she is brave for coming on the show. She rewards him with a passionate kiss that still lingers on his lips when Logan sidles next to Gabby and smoothly tells her she makes people smile.

Raise your hand if you thought Logan was going to tell Gabby she was brave. 

And now we have it. The first one who kisses both Gabby and Rachel is Logan. Call me crazy, but I get a jack wagon vibe from this guy. I don’t know why. 

Rachel doesn’t. In her debrief with Gabby, she’s excited to share that she and Logan made out like bandits. Rachel is giddy about their witty banter and eagerly asks Gabs if she likes Logan. 

Gabby decides to relinquish her rights to the worm guy. She also refrains from telling sweet baby Rachel that she too shared saliva with this man. Poor girl. It was her only kiss. Let’s let her ride this high for as long as she can. 

A beaming Rachel gives her rose to Logan. Gabby gives hers to Johnny. Who is a skinnier, scruffier version of Logan with a captain’s hat. But who’s counting?

RACHEL ONE-ON-ONE

Rachel picks up drag car racer Jordan V. in an ice-blue convertible Impala. I feared for their lives twice as they were speeding down the highway. First, Rachel’s luscious hair extensions insisted on whipping in front of her face, hindering her from seeing the road. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times — can we not get a hair tie or one of those telephone cord things to wear around her wrist? Come on, people!

Second, Rachel wholeheartedly raised both hands in celebratory bliss multiple times whilst driving down a major California Interstate. Hands-on the wheel, my friend. Ten and two, Missy. 

Rachel thankfully makes it to the airport where the zero gravity plane awaits. This is the same date Nick Vial took his date Vanessa, where she puked the entire time. Nothing says eternal love like a sake full of vomit floating by your face. 

The good news is that Jordan and Rachel managed to keep the contents of their stomachs down. They also kissed while floating in the air, which is the only reason why two camera people were forced to zero gravity with these jokers. Once the money shot was secured, the plane touched down, and the couple changed for dinner.

Rachel showed up in a little red sequin number, fresh off the rack from Forever XXI Figure Skaters. She and Jordan’s conversation was, in a word, sparkling! It wasn’t until Rachel abruptly stood up to leave the dinner table that my Spidey senses started tingling. 

Before we can assess what’s going on, the scene shifts to the mansion, where Chris is annoying anyone with the ability to hear the words coming from his mouth. In a nutshell, this guy says that if he is in a fantasy suite situation, and the woman has slept with another man, he’s out. 

The men have many qualms about this statement. 

Qualm #1: Why are you talking about fantasy suites? It’s been four days?

Qualm #2: How can you be so disrespectful to Gabby and Rachel?

Qualm #3: Would you share this information with them? If so, when?

Qualm #4: Is this a game to Chris?

Qualm #5: (Paraphrasing Nate) It’s control like this that damages good women.

Lincee’s Qualm: Have you had a conversation with either Gabby or Rachel?

Suddenly, we are back at dinner, where JV sits alone, wondering why his date, who wears way too much blush, is silently crying behind a pillar of fragrant flowers. When she returns to the table, she takes the date rose, explains that something is missing, puts down the date rose, and escorts him to the rejection SUV.

What. Is. Happening?

Never in the show’s history has someone been ousted on the first one-on-one. NEVER. 

The vocal stylings of Ashley Cooke and Brett Young offer a pleasant soundtrack as we all shout at the TV, wondering why Rachel sent a really good guy home on episode 2. The duet continues to provide musical interest when it occurs to me that Jordan V. might be a nice fit for Gabby. Did Rachel send a carrier pigeon to ensure her best friend is cool with her sending a guy home? How does that work? Did they have a conversation before the date? 

And are the musical guests ticked off that they are singing to an empty auditorium instead of a lovesick couple swaying back and forth on a rug from Pier One? 

This is what I’m talking about. I don’t want to think this much during The Bachelorette. 

GABBY ONE-ON-ONE

The date starts with Rachel giving Gabby some excellent advice. Trust yourself. Then we see Nate musk it up with not one, not two, but FIVE squirts of cologne. Someone needs to intervene. Stat. 

Nate shows up at the girls’ place, and Rachel is there to have morning mimosas with the happy couple. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Nate doesn’t know if he should clutch his pearls or play it cool. Luckily, Gabby invites him outside, where a helicopter is waiting to whisk them away on their super fun date. Rachel bids them adieu, and I feel creepy third wheel vibes from the comfort of my own living room.

After choppering around town, Gabby makes the helicopter land on the roof of a random building, where a hot tub has been set up. I wondered if Nate’s pearl necklace would be safe getting wet, but he didn’t seem to mind that or his safety pin earring. 

At dinner, Nate tells Gabby about his six-year-old daughter and how he loves being a girl dad. Gabby cries the entire two-minute story. She secretly wonders if she’s ready to be an instant mom but quickly deduces that she doesn’t have to decide that right now and gives him the date rose.

See how this works, Rachel? You don’t have to decide right now. Keep the awesome race car guy around for another week. Do you realize who you have left at the mans? Meatball Marinara! Nunchucks! Faceless Dude!

ROSE CEREMONY

The guys came with guns blazing for the rose ceremony. Mario senses that his first impression rose from Gabby may have been a fluke. So he approaches Rachel, picks her up, and does squats up and down the sidewalk while Gabby watches in the background.

Then Trey, a carnie from New Jersey, plays some basketball. He wins. Erich and Gabby get horizontal on a random blanket in the middle of the driveway. And Quincey decides he will break the Cardinal Rule of Bachelor Nation and tattle on another guy.

It doesn’t backfire on him. Quincey tells Rachel that Chris is all about fantasy suites. Rachel is appalled and immediately reports to Gabby, who answers with an aggressive, “Ew.” 

She takes Rachel’s hand, marches over to Chris, and asks him point blank, “Do you feel like it’s appropriate to talk about fantasy suites?”

Chris cooly responds that he thinks of his journey “all the way through to the end.” 

Gabby reminds Chris that she barely knows him and is not happy that he’s already inserting himself into her fantasy suite. BTW, he needs to respect them as women and their position. Also, it’s time to go.

Gabby invites Chris to “lead the way,” and they escort him right out the door. Chris turns back to the bachelorettes wondering out loud, “Do I walk in this direction?” He hasn’t a clue. 

Rachel nods, turns to Gabby, and congratulates her bestie and herself for handling that confrontation beautifully. It was worth the sweat marks that we could all see under Rachel’s arms. 

Oh crap! He’s back! 

Before they know it, Chris is back to have words with Quincey and Nate and Other Jordan and Hayden. But our girls insist he leave, with the help of Nate channeling his inner Michael B. Jordan. Chris is back out the door before anyone can say Wakanda forever. 

Jesse rambles in with a butter knife and champagne glass. Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony, and it’s very important to know that these roses are coming from BOTH women, which makes my heart feel better. 

We say goodbye to Ryan, Brandan, John, Collin, Matt, and Justin. Don’t worry. You know none of them. 

Well, what did you think? Is Nate a new favorite? Did Chris deserve to get ousted? Does Logan give you a jack wagon vibe? Sound off in the comments section! And don’t forget to join our Bachelorette Bracket with our friends over at Last Night’s Game!

Photo By: abc.com
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Jillybeans
Jillybeans
July 20, 2022 5:01 pm

I don’t know about this season. I had my TV on for the entire episode, but I zoned out quite a bit, lol. I think there are just way too many people to try to keep up with right now!

Dori
Dori
July 23, 2022 5:06 pm
Reply to  Jillybeans

I feel the same – particularly during the first episode (which is usually pretty interesting!), I kept getting bored and couldn’t even get through it completely. I finally finished it the next day. But so far, this season has been dragging! It’s hard to get a sense for who the men are, personality-wise; it feels like with the two Bachelorettes there, the men are holding back more or something. Maybe they are just being spread too thin?

Wendy DiBenedetto
Wendy DiBenedetto
July 20, 2022 5:21 pm

First, I do squeeze the tube in the middle. Second, Chris HAD to go – controlling misogynist!! I personally like Nate. Blonde Jacob reminds me of JP – I get that same vibe.

You’re right in the money. This season is a train wreck. I just want a great season of the Bachelor. Next….

sybille vought
sybille vought
July 20, 2022 6:03 pm

logan is a player but gosh he’s cute! rachel’s insecurities made me feel awkward thru the tv. gabbys outfits barely cover her boobs and it’s annoying.

Old Christine
Old Christine
July 21, 2022 9:40 am
Reply to  sybille vought

Gabby may have paid a lot for those boobs and probably wants to show them off.

Rebecca Magner
Rebecca Magner
July 20, 2022 8:20 pm

I don’t understand how one bachelorette can make a decision to send someone home that might have been great for the other one. We never see this addressed and he never says- Can I stay to see if I have a connection with Gabby? Editing leaves us wondering why this is happening. I hated that.

Kat
Kat
July 20, 2022 8:58 pm
Reply to  Rebecca Magner

In the first week- that race car driver said to Rachel he had come to the show for her— so I’m thinking he wasn’t there for Gabby.

Amy
Amy
July 21, 2022 10:20 am
Reply to  Kat

agreed he said that and i bet the she knew before hand that Gabby would be cool with it. im sure when they discussed who each wanted to take it came up and that is pretty much one of them calling dibs anyway

Dori
Dori
July 23, 2022 5:08 pm
Reply to  Rebecca Magner

Rebecca, I was wondering that too! Did Gabby get a chance to pass on Jordan as well before Rachel sent him packing? I wish they would have addressed this.

Elle Bee
Elle Bee
July 20, 2022 10:21 pm

I noticed the cologne spritzes and said aloud “oh no, nate, that is way too much!”

Jennifer Steckel
Jennifer Steckel
July 21, 2022 4:20 am

OMG Yes the cologne! Stop after 2 please !
Fav lines from the re-cap : “Nate doesn’t know if he should clutch his pearls or play it cool. “ and “Jesse rambles in with a butter knife and a champagne glass”

Alison
Alison
July 21, 2022 10:25 am

At the Rose Ceremony, when there was only one rose remaining, did Host Jesse forget to say his line?

Ross
Ross
July 25, 2022 11:47 am

Random thoughts: I wonder who the season’s villain will be? Erich? Logan? I think it’s inevitable that the guys mostly will find themselves attracted to one or the other. For me, Gabby! By sending a great guy home on the first date, I think it might hurt Rachel in the long run. Who wants to risk getting sent home out of the blue because “something’s missing” after spending a mere couple of hours together.? I think if Jesse were wiser, he would have suggested at least keeping her around a little longer. Or, not giving him the rose but not sending him home. Tat’s been done before, but not often. I would think the season would evolve into two parallel bachelorette shows/competitions. I would love to know what you think.

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