Bachelorette Gabby and Rachel Recap | Episode 3

Fun fact: When Rachel bemoaned about the men having all the power in last night’s episode, I harkened back to the Hallsville High School auditorium, where the district-renowned Bobcat Belles warmed up each morning at the crack of dawn. We were a mighty drill team who insisted on specific “pump up” music to help us combat the desire to crawl back into our warm beds. One of the songs was “The Power” by Snap! 

With the apparent mantra of “I’ve got the power” and “I’m the lyrical Jesse James,” only a few other verses stick out as memorable. One of these is the ever-so-repetitive, “It’s gettin’, it’s gettin’, it’s gettin’ kinda hectic.”

Yes. It is getting kind of hectic in this environment, which is why I wanted to open my recap with these exact words. Wondering how the clever folks of Snap! spelled the declaration “kind of” or “kinda,” I whipped over to the Google box to search the lyrics.

You can imagine my surprise. After I confirmed my “kinda” inquiry, I learned that it’s not getting kinda hectic. Instead, it’s getting kinda heavy. 

My mind is officially blown. For twenty-two years, I’ve misquoted these lyrics. Also, my intro is technically blown, but I will press on. Why? Because Rachel and Gabby are both experiencing hectic and heavy things. I’ve never seen so many tears, snotty noses, and drunken hiccups this early in the season. 

The boys had the power. So our bachelorettes TOOK IT FROM THEM. And it backfired right in their tight faces.

I love this show so much. 

MANSION VISIT
Gabby

Gabby and Rachel are not messing around. It’s day six, for heaven’s sake, and these guys need to figure out if they are here for the blonde or the brunette. There’s no middle ground in this journey. The women need clarity, and the only way they will get that is to see who is aggressive enough to make a move. 

While Rachel galavants with Zach on her one-on-one date, Gabby meanders to the guy’s mansion because rules and guidelines are no longer in the working mechanics of the Bachelor Nation handbook. So Gabby dresses in mom jeans that she’s cut into denim panties, a white tank top, and a jean jacket she wears off-the-shoulder. 

Gabby is delighted to have all eyes, minus Zach’s, on her and relishes the idea of hanging out with her beaus for the afternoon. However, she soon learns that the boys would rather bro out with each other or attempt to play football than have a conversation with her. She pounds her mimosa with each awkward stint of silence, which means she’s tipsy in less than thirty minutes. 

Gabby believes the men’s lack of effort is a conscious decision. With zero bachelors taking the initiative to woo her, the only conclusion is that her fears are accurate: She is unlovable. She starts to examine her feelings to see if she has the capacity to do this job. Can she deal with some form of rejection each and every week?

The answer is a resounding no, in case you were keeping score.

RACHEL’S ONE-ON-ONE
Zach

First of all, someone needs to intervene on behalf of Rachel’s wardrobe. If she’s not looking like a pile of autumn leaves, she’s dressed like an overeager bright yellow highlighter. And I’m so confused by TV Host Karamo’s straight-up LIE that he is getting Zach and Rachel ready for a Hollywood movie premiere.

How many of you mentally marked Me & You as a romantic comedy you needed on your radar? Sure the paparazzi on the cheap red carpet looked like a bunch of tourists with fancy cameras, but that’s the beauty of the show, right? And look! It’s Matt White on the piano! I don’t know who he is, but he gets an overlay with his name on it. That has to mean something.

The disappointment that rolled down my spine was palpable when Me & You turned out to be a slideshow montage of Rachel and Zach. To quote my friend Stephanie, “The only person who enjoys a personal slideshow is the one who made it.” 

Agreed. To be fair, though, Zach did cry through most of the “premiere,” making Rachel want to suck his face off on multiple occasions. After I stopped walking away from the television to avoid Rachel’s four-year-old birthday party and Zach’s trip to the zoo that one time, I did consider that Tino would have to step up his game. Zach is definitely winning in the emotional category of Rachel’s heart. Especially when the couple discovers they both used to go to airports to watch planes fly overhead. 

Cue Matt White, this generation’s Jim Brickman, to provide acoustic background music for one last dancing montage with the human highlighter and James Bond wannabe. 

OMG. MFEO. #bae

GABBY’S ONE-ON-ONE
Erich

Gabby walks back into the mansion with a little more confidence this time. She’s got her Grandpa John on her arm and a hairstyle that is giving me summer camp vibes. Let’s do this!

I will not spend too much time on the yurt portion of this date mainly because I have no idea what was happening. All I know is that Gabby lit some sage and recited how she would be intentional during this journey, moving forward with faith, without fear. Meanwhile, Grandpa Joe was taking a nap under a comfy blanket and plush pillow.

He and I would work well together.

Next up is the bowling alley, and Gabby is quick to pawn her granddaddy off on Senior Citizen Holy Roller Bowler Julie, who can throw strikes like it’s her job. Which is probably is, considering she’s in a league, complete with matching shirts and a custom bowling ball. 

Will Grandpa John score? Who knows? The cameras are too busy watching Gabby and Erich makeout like teenagers at the snack bar. 

At dinner that night, a dreary cloud looms over Gabby’s head as Erich proclaims his love and devotion for his parents and their extraordinary marriage. He wants a soulmate like that.

Poor Gabby isn’t familiar with this phenomenon. She’s been hurt so many times by her mother, who “wiped her hands clean” when Gabby moved out of the house. She claims she will never know what it’s like to have a mother’s love.

Missing the opportunity to offer any encouragement or even promising his own mother’s love, Erich sits like a moron and says nothing. Gabby waits for a beat, then gets up from the table to talk to the one man she CAN talk to — her handler. 

I’m not sure how long Gabby cried on this dude’s shoulder about being “too complicated,” but it made me wonder how many contestants fall in love with the people behind the scenes. Gabby didn’t just pour her heart out to this faceless dude. She gushed and gushed while sipping wine, complaining that she’s not polished like Rachel. 

When she finally returns to her date, Erich has formed sentences in his brain and recites them. He thanks Gabby for being “true with her emotions,” which makes her a “unique person.” Gabby beams. When she loves people, she loves them hard. Erich tells Gabby he likes her and wants to see where this goes. And he also…

Too late. Gabby interrupts his train of thought by sliding into his lap and making out with his neck. Between suck sessions, she gives him the date rose, slurring something along the lines of, “This is scary as hell.”

Have I mentioned how much I love this show?

GROUP DATE

Franco Lacosta is back for a photoshoot with the remaining men, and he’s not messing around. The guys are happy to dress in ridiculous clothing and perform silly antics in the name of love. Between the cowboys in the Daisy Dukes and the one guy who had to wear a diaper, I’m not sure how anyone kept from rolling his eyes at any point during the afternoon.

But the most significant ah-ha moment was the proposal section of the photoshoot. Tino, dressed in a dapper suit, sank down on one knee and asked Rachel to marry him. Nate followed up with his own declaration to Gabby. Methinks these two are in the running for the final rose.

Especially when Rachel hardcore makes out with Tino at the after-party on the Friends couch in the middle of SoFi Stadium. 

Of course, Aven also shows Rachel a good time, as well as Jordan, who “created a moment” by kissing the blonde bombshell against a wall. Our tiny bachelorette has quite the giggly time floating from boy to boy. You couldn’t wipe the smile off her face if you tried.

And then there was Gabby. Bless her heart. Her first sit down with Tyler ends in his profession of being intentional with Rachel. Tyler wants to respect Gabby’s journey, so he’s humbly honest. 

Gabby is totally fine with it and even goes as far as to say that she appreciates Tyler’s candor. 

Then Haynes wanders up and details his intentions. He claims that the day’s events gave him much more clarity, and he feels like Gabby is a little too rough around the edges. He and Rachel’s lives and values line up, so he will pursue her, thankyouverymuch.

My goodness, Haynes. Why don’t you call her fat and ugly while you’re at it? 

To make extremely unfortunate matters worse, Shirtless Jacob tells Gabby that if she were on the show by herself, he would not have continued on this journey, even though she’s smoking hot. 

Nope. 

Later that night, Rachel is curious to know why her BFF is so late to the “gather on the sectional couch” portion of the date, which signifies that date roses are about to be handed out. Gabby (presumably) leaves the comforting arms of her handler, teeters down the stairs, and shimmies into a spot between Rachel and one of the guys who looks like all the other guys. 

Rachel commands the moment, reciting an elegant speech detailing the amazing conversations she shared with all the guys. But only one can get a rose, and that is Aven. Forced applause all around!

Rachel shoves the spotlight in Gabby’s face. Gabby begins by telling everyone that it’s been a tough week for her, and she has decided not to give a rose to anyone. Rachel’s head whips in Gabby’s direction so fast that her extensions nearly fall out. She bulldozes past all the men, running to be the shoulder for Gabby to cry on. 

Gabby explains that all the guys basically told her that she wasn’t good enough. Before Rachel could utter, “THEY ARE DEAD TO ME,” I found it interesting that she specifically asked about Jason. Gabby confesses that she “had a breakdown” before having one-on-one time with the loaner. 

Rachel wants to know how these jokers think insulting Gabby will get them anywhere near the winner’s circle. She wants to address it, but Gabby stops her. Rachel hugs her friend, proud that Gabby was strong enough not to give a rose to these jackwagons. 

ROSE CEREMONY

The girls retaliate in two ways. First, they cancel the cocktail party. No idle chitchat for you!

Second, they make Jesse Palmer break the bad news that each woman has chosen to go on her own journey from this point forward. This means each will have her own set of roses dutifully placed on the tiny accent table. 

That’s as far as our two bachelorettes think in terms of logistics. Please note that none of the producers had any part in explaining the details either. This becomes clear when Rachel hands out her third rose to Termayne (you don’t know him), and he politely declines. He’s here for Gabby.

WHHHAAAAATTTTTTTT? 

That’s the question that raced through both Rachel and Gabby’s heads when the tall, dark, handsome guy rejected Rachel in front of the entire cast. He didn’t know what to do. Rachel didn’t know what to do. Gabby didn’t know what to do. Jesse Palmer didn’t know what to do, but he made something up as he walked to the pedestal.

Tell me how this makes sense: Termayne gets to return to the stadium of guys with the hope that Gabby chooses him to be on her team. But Rachel is not allowed to hand out that rose. It is officially off-limits.

Rachel handles it with all the grace and dignity she can muster. Then she calls Alec’s name, and HE DOES THE EXACT SAME THING. Before Jesse is back in his corner, he has to about-face and snatch another one of Rachel’s roses! OH, THE HUMANITY!

A few more guys slide into Rachel’s roster, but Meatball denies her. That’s three public humiliations compared to Gabby’s private ones. Rachel’s disses feel a little more painful to me, which is why she probably gave her last rose to Hayden, even though he was the one who did not choose the correct words to let Gabby down easy. Hayden was a sure thing, and she knew it. 

Plus, none of the guys who rejected Rachel ended up on Gabby’s roster. Which proves this was a cobbled-together plan. Termayne, Alec, and Meatball (along with Shirtless Jacob) will not get to board the SS Fantasy. 

So now we have two separate journeys and two women who no longer have to wonder if the man sitting across from them is technically there for the other bachelorette. Here are the teams:

Gabby’s Guys

Erich
Jason
Johnny
Kirk
Mario
Michael (who?)
Nate
Quincey
Spencer

Rachel’s Guys

Aven
Ethan
Hayden
Jordan
Logan
Tino
Tyler
Zach
Meatball

Notice that Rachel’s list includeS Meatball. Funny enough, he discovered after he was not picked up by Gabby that there might be something there with Rachel after all. And since we are separate but equal, this detail helps both women have nine men to juggle for the rest of the season. 

What did you think of the rose ceremony? Was there a better way to do this? And is Jason someone who is flying under the radar, even though we’ve barely seen him on camera? Is Tino the one to beat on Rachel’s team? Is it Nate’s to lose on Gabby’s team? Sound off in the comment section!