Bachelorette Gabby and Rachel Recap: La Vie en Rose
Bachelorette Gabby and Rachel Recap | Episode 4
Part of me wanted my entire recap to be one word: PINEAPPLE. I think most of you would understand my plight, nod your head in agreement, and move on to the next item on your to-do list. You’d forgive me for slacking on my writing duties because you too felt that episode four of The Bachelorette was one big homage to all things that make Lincee Ray uncomfortable.
If you’ve been around here for a minute, you know that the iHateGreenBeans safe word is PINEAPPLE. (Shout out to IHGB reader Melissa C for sending me socks with pineapples on them!) I screamed it at my television when I wasn’t rolling my eyes at Rachel’s incessant crying. Why? Because there were no less than 539 close-ups, tight-angled shots of kissing, tongues, lips, and one very unfortunate “smell my armpit” nonsense.
I won’t even get into the status of my Bachelorette bracket and how it may be busted beyond hope. It’s as if I’ve never watched this show before! How can I be so off this early in the season?
Where was I?
I LOVE THIS SHOW.
After all the boys get over the fact that The Meatball has somehow infiltrated the game and permanently attached himself to Rachel, Jesse Palmer announces that the girls have left Los Angeles for France. Everyone will be joining them, but two lucky gentlemen will get an earlier flight to galavant around Paris with the ladies. So pack your bags, Jason and Tino. And don’t forget an umbrella!
The animated airplane treks its way across the map to let us common folk know where the guys are headed. While they make their way to the center of town, Gabby and Rachel teeter around old cobblestone streets before settling in a Parisian cafe.
Rachel laments that three boys rejecting her roses during the previous rose ceremony was the worst thing in the entire world. Thankfully, now that the wheat has been separated from the Chach, she has room and space to experience all of her totally awesome men.
Meanwhile, Jesse Palmer drops some major French on the remaining fellas. I’m not talking your standard, “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir.” I mean, the man spoke legit French for several minutes, complete with English subtitles.
Did Jesse’s cool meter bump up a few notches? Indeed.
Of course, none of the bros know what Jesse is saying, so he explains that due to budget constraints, everyone will be bunking on a cruise ship called the Valiant Lady. My assumption is that no one else is on this ginormous boat, excluding cast, crew, and perhaps a few dozen bartenders. Fingers crossed that Roby has a nighttime magic show on weekends.
Hee Hee Hee, Haw Haw Haw
Since this season is like none we’ve ever experienced before, the cameras switch back and forth between Rachel’s date with Tino and Gabby’s date with Jason. Here’s what you need to know after fifteen minutes of date footage:
Tino and Rachel kissed more than they spoke.
At one point, they ditch the umbrella so they can maul each other on a very old bridge.
Jason is a man of few words.
He looks very good in a beret.
Rachel and Gabby leave their men in the rain to talk about how amazing they are while they shimmy away fifty feet to debrief about their respective dates. Gabby says that she may be in love. Rachel says that Tino is so amazing that she’s scared. Then they giggle because neither can think of anything else to say.
That night, Rachel and Tino have dinner in an ancient church. Is this Notre Dame? Is Quasimodo the musical guest this week? Why does it all feel so wrong? Maybe it’s because Rachel’s boobs are in my face. I’m not sure, but what I do know is that home girl needs to back away from the blush brush for future close-ups.
We learn that Tino is totally cool with Rachel being an almost pilot. He’s fine with taking care of the kids while she’s away. PS: Is she cool with having kids one day?
Well played, Tino. Well played. Of course, she wants children. And she wants Tino. This is why she gives him the date rose.
Gabby’s dinner goes a little differently. Instead of boobs, we get a weird furry cloak made from the hair of a thousand white Parisian poodles. Jason finds his words and doesn’t shut up. When he mentions that he goes to therapy, Gabby nearly proposes at the table.
She shares that she is estranged from her mother and that Hayden said she was rough around the edges. Jason supports Gabby in all the right ways, including his hand on her thigh and tongue down her throat. He’s rewarded with a rose.
I’m going to say this more than once, so it will really sink in. I’m about to discuss GABBY’s date. Gabby’s group date. The date that Gabby will be attending with her group of boys. Not Rachel’s date, but Gabby’s date. Are we all clear? Good.
So Gabby teaches the boys how to box like the French. Eight dudes are paired against each other to “fight for Gabby’s love,” but all the camera focuses on is Rachel’s meltdown.
Wait a minute, Lincee. Did you mean that Gabby had a meltdown on Gabby’s date since it was Gabby’s boys who were being showcased during this Gabby time of our show?
Silly reader. Rachel was there for emotional support in her unimaginative athletic wear and mundane hairdo. Additionally, Rachel’s guys were there to provide ample heckling, finger pointing, and fits of laughter when Gabby’s men clobbered each other for the love of the game.
Did Gabby pick Spencer as the big winner of special alone time with her? Yes, she did!
But no one cares because Rachel’s boys completely ignored her all day, even though there was a huge boxing ring obstructing most of their views. Plus, she wore darling Lulu Lemon leggings and a kicky pistachio-colored sports bra, and no one said a thing!
Did Gabby give Spencer a rose? Yes, she did!
But no one cares because Rachel steals screen time by whining to the camera that she doesn’t feel chosen. Wah. She’s more insecure than ever. WHA. Boring old Clay-en made her feel more desirable than these jokers. WHAAAAAAAAAAA.
Knowing TV gold when they see it, the cameras follow Rachel to her group of men and film her as she tries to rip each a new one. She feels hurt! She feels unseen! These tears are real!
The boys look like they did when they had to sit through French 101 with Palmer. Utterly confused and slightly bored.
Rachel trades her spandex for something Amy Farrah Fowler might wear from the racks of Forever 61. Yes, it was short, but the material is definitely the same fabric that my grandmother covered her couch in 1952.
This is grown-up Rachel. This is serious Rachel. And she wants these boys to know that she is not messing around. She will put yesterday’s debacle behind her, but they better step up their game during this group date.
And what better way to do that than learning how to properly French a woman from a French woman?
The weird couple leading this “series of tests on romance” begins by asking Zach to flirt with Rachel. He puts her in a headlock and later wonders what went wrong. Many men dance. Ethan channels his inner sex panther and crawls toward her on the floor. This is when my insides begin to churn.
Suddenly, we witness all the men kissing their own hands. Tongues are pounding in and out. Groans are issued forth from deep within. I close my eyes and mutter, “pineapplepineapplepineapple.” When I feel a sufficient amount of time has passed, I steal a glance.
Only to find Rachel blindfolded, wafting the air around a shirtless armpit. Allegedly, she is trying to detect attraction through pheromones whilst holding back bits of vomit creeping up her esophagus.
PINE. APPLE. All day.
Somehow we make it to the love letter segment of the group date, and Young Tyler wins with flying colors because he cries while reciting his stanzas. Let the record show that Tyler rhymed “again” with the word “again.”
During his alone time with Rachel, he admits that he was once engaged and even bought the girl a house, which is strange because I’m pretty sure Young Tyler isn’t old enough to rent a car yet in some states.
Whatever the case, Tyler took the pain of his broken engagement and used it for good. He’s willing to love and be hurt in the process. He feels his feels.
Rachel loves this side of Tyler. So she invites him to a hot tub, which is actually turned on and bubbling, so they can make out for the rest of the night.
Gabby and Rachel reunite on the Valiant Lady and are giddy with glee. Rachel’s dress is something Picasso would have loved. Gabby looks like she’s prepping for heart surgery. GET THE IODINE!
Hayden is the first to pull Rachel away, and he shares a Shutterfly look book full of pages featuring his dog Rambo. Sadly, Rambo has cancer and is going to die any minute. His love for this dog is fierce, which proves that his intentions are pure.
The Meatball sees things differently. Back in LA, Hayden said some pretty ugly things about both Rachel and Gabby. Taking away the “rough around the edges” remark, it seems Hayden is pretty ticked at Gabby for blabbing to Rachel. He wishes she was more mature. Oh, and there’s something about this ex-girlfriend having better boobs than Rachel. And he might have called both of them b!tches.
Seriously. The cameras are constantly rolling, jack wagon. What a moron. Also, don’t take your dog’s yellow stuffed comfort duck on a nationally televised reality show, because that will make you look like an 80s villain.
Rachel is stunned to learn one of her high-ranking beaus is a horrible person and must confront him straight away. She marches into the den, and the guys immediately notice her “pissed off face.”
Hayden follows Rachel into the room where traditionally a cruise ship director would teach you about different types of tequila.
Rachel: “I guess you know why I want to speak to you?”
Hayden: “I assume it’s about Rambo?”
Rachel’s reaction made me laugh out loud as I screamed, “ROLL THE TAPE.” Hayden denies all allegations and has no idea what he’s supposed to own up to when Rachel curtly asks if she can walk him out.
Raise your hand if you thought that meant he had to walk the plank.
Sadly, Hayden leaves the boat, fake cries, and tells the world that he would choose Rambo over Rachel any day. Except for that one day, he didn’t when he agreed to go on this show. Rachel returns to the lido deck, announces that Hayden was NOT the man for her, and gears up for the roses ceremony.
Along with Jason and Spencer, Gabby’s roses go to Nate, Erich, Johnny, Michael (who?), and Mario. Quincey and Kirk are left sans roses.
Joining Tino and Tyler, Rachel offers roses to Aven, The Meatball, Zach, Ethan, and Logan. Jordan joins Hayden on the outskirts of the Valiant Lady.
No roses were rejected, but we have an interesting situation with Logan, who accepted Rachel’s rose. It turns out that he just might maybe have feelings for Gabby. And gosh darn it, since the cocktail party was cut short due to Hayden’s shenanigans, he didn’t get a chance to explain himself to Rachel. Now he looks like a jerk.
I love this show so much.