Bachelorette Gabby and Rachel Recap | Episode 5

It’s a new dawn, a new day, and a new life. Our bachelorettes and their beaus have left the drama that is Paris and are making their way across the seas on the Valiant Lady (or Rolling Virgin if your name is Some Guy in Austin). Absolutely everyone is excited to explore a new country. Especially one that is known for rich chocolate and delicious waffles.

That’s right! We are headed to Belgium!

But first, Logan has to reject Rachel since no one has done that in precisely forty-eight hours. The ABC Intern leads him through a maze of congested hallways, straight to Rachel’s stateroom door. When Logan knocks, an extremely tangerine-tinted Rachel answers with trepidation in her freshly spray-tanned face.

After a few minutes of blatant adoration, Logan changes lanes and explains to the woman sitting across from him that even though she’s super great, he thinks he may have a connection with Gabby. No, this has nothing to do with Rachel’s incessant crying or inability not to wear hunter green like she’s a child of the eighties let loose in the Gap. Instead, this is about following your heart and staying true to yourself.

Kicking a girl while she’s down, Logan proclaims he can’t go on the group date in Belgium and will be schlepping his bags to neutral territory on the Valiant Lady until Palmer tells him if he’s allowed in Gabby’s section of the ship where the all-you-can-eat ice cream bar is conveniently located.

Rachel is upset with Logan for not telling her sooner and has zero interest in sitting through another round of Logan lifting her spirits. Once she shoves the loser out of her room, she proceeds to cry big tears, wondering how many rejections is too many rejections before you literally jump ship.  

RACHEL’S GROUP DATE

Guess what? Rachel is too upset to even think about a group date, thankyouverymuch. Even Palmer, who has been down this road before, can’t convince Rachel that she’s not a loser. His earnest, “It’s impossible to be a perfect bachelorette. But your journey is still in play,” falls on deaf ears.

Rachel wipes her runny nose on the fluffy white Valiant Lady bathrobe, leaving a streak of burnt orange on the sleeve. She’d rather wallow in self-pity than putter around the city with a gloomy cloud over her head. This means Palmer has to scour the streets for the bachelors who have musked up, coiffed up, and wriggled into ankle-length pants for a day of frivolity.

The boys are disappointed, to say the least. As they are escorted back onto the cruise ship, none try to run away from the enormous red flags waving in their faces. THIS IS YOUR FUTURE, TINO. BEWARE.

Meanwhile, Gabby is delighted by Logan’s request to flip teams and eagerly asks if Rachel is okay with the idea. Logan explains that Rachel understood (exaggeration) and is somewhat frustrated. Gabby confesses that Logan was their one overlap, and it was hard for her to back off when Rachel expressed a deeper interest. The delicate thing to do now is to check in with Rachel to see if she’s really okay.

Gabby knocks on Rachel’s door and is slightly concerned to find her friend not dressed in her grandmother’s Christmas jumper from 1964. What is going on? Did she bathe in Tang?

Rachel hugs her fellow bachelorette and drags her over to the couch. She relives her conversation with Logan as Gabby actively listens along. When Rachel mentions that she chose not to go on the chocolate wrestling group date, Gabby’s mouth swings open wider than the mighty Mississippi. Again, WHAT IS GOING ON?

Duh, Gabby. Rachel can’t go on a date after she’s asked her guys to give one-hundred percent, on the cusp of being dumped for her best friend with brown hair. Gabby proceeds with caution and carefully inquires about what Rachel needs. Rachel responds we an ever-so-courteous, “Don’t think about me. Think about you. This is your journey! Who cares that this guy strung me along for weeks? You do you, Gabby!”

RACHEL’S GROUP DATE COCKTAIL PARTY

The guys gather together for a second time that day, fingers crossed that Rachel shows up at her own party. When she saunters in, tears gleaming, expressing her distraught demeanor thanks to a defected Logan, facial expressions begin to change. Eyes bug. Mouths drop. Steam spills from ears. Faces turn crimson when Rachel demands they tell her now if they are not interested in being on this journey.

Most of the guys shift into “Rachel Protocol” and immediately start kissing her butt while placing her on a rather lofty pedestal. But it’s Tino who calls her out for memories lost in Belgium. She made him feel unseen, and he hoped they were farther along in their relationship for such nonsense.

Rachel nearly loses her mind, promises to communicate more in the future, sticks her tongue down his throat, and gives him the date rose for good measure.

GABBY’S GROUP DATE

Gabby, who actually attended her group date, has a fun time exploring the city in her form-fitting black belly shirt, complete with a skin-tight black skirt with a split up the side and thigh-high boots. Nothing says, “Let’s play soccer with these adorable children!” like a person in a costume from a background actress in The Matrix.

After losing to a bunch of street kids and eating plates of waffles, Gabby introduces the guys to that big bald man with a mustache in a black unitard who lifts weights at the circus. They all play “Rock, Paper, Scissors,” and the loser is slapped in the face with a frozen fish. The boys laugh and make sure to tell the camera that their group gets along, thanks to the lack of drama.

Enter drama.

Logan shows up at the cocktail party and explains his presence. If Gabby hadn’t shown up at that moment wearing a mint green ice skating costume as a dress, heads might have rolled.

We spend hardly any time with Gabby and her guys. They all think she’s stunning. They all hate group dates. And they all pretend to be cool with Logan cramping their style. Finally, Nate gets the date rose for being the cutest with the soccer kids. The end.

RACHEL AND AVEN

You may not know Aven, which is a shame because he’s darling. Plus, he can catch chocolate in his mouth when you toss it his way! That’s a trick you can take to the bank, my friend. We should all have one. I can say the ABCs backward and solve a Rubik’s cube in under two minutes. So, Aven and I have “being awesome” in common.

My favorite part is when he pressed her against a very old wall and kissed her passionately. Additionally, the fireworks after the vulnerable talk at dinner were pretty cool. I could have done without the Belgian women forcing Rachel to wear a wedding veil, but what can you do?

GABBY AND JOHNNY

Gabby executes the first legitimate Jump and Straddle of the season, and Johnny is ecstatic. If I could trade eyelashes with this guy, I would.

Gabby describes him as macho. It must be the biker boots. Whatever the case, Johnny embraces their date at the brewery and even taste tests a sample of the bathtub beer while he and Gabby simmer in its juices.

Dinner is served in another church, and Johnny follows Aven’s lead by getting pretty vulnerable.

He’s not a confident person and struggles, like Gabby, with anxiety and depression. Maybe Jason can convince him to go to therapy! Gabby gives him a rose to ease that tension and then makes out all night long.

ROSE CEREMONY

All eyes are on Gabby and Logan. What is she going to do? Will she give him a free pass for next week’s trip to Amsterdam? Or will he get kicked off the ship with a slap in the face of a frozen mackerel?

We should have known that Gabby would keep Logan for another week. There are no villains, other than maybe Rachel secretly hating Gabby now for handing her last rose to the dude who rejected her on national television. We shall see if there are any passive-aggressive conversations between our two bachelorettes as they frolic among the windmills where Hannah B. boinked Peter the Pilot that season. Twice.

Along with Nate, Johnny, and Logan, Gabby gives roses to Jason, Spencer, and Erich. She bids farewell to Michael and Mario. Tino and Aven are joined by Zach, Tyler, and Ethan. Meatball rolls down the ramp onto a waiting plane bound for Paradise.