This week snuck up on me, dear reader. Sadly, “write Bachelor recap” kept getting bumped on my to-do list for more pressing things in the real world. Although I did record, edit, and post a podcast about episode six of Gabby and Rachel’s journey to find love (listen HERE or download HERE), I feel an old-fashioned list is the best I can muster after life’s frivolities in the past several days.

It is without further ado that I give you the “Top Seven Moments” from Monday night’s show. Enjoy!

1. Clutching Pearls

Gabby dresses like a flasher in her best khaki trenchcoat and thigh-high boots for her one-on-one time with Nate. He’s stoked to be off the Valiant Lady (not a euphemism) and merrily skips down the cobblestone streets of Amsterdam into the waiting arms of his beloved Gabby. Unfortunately, she sits him down on the roaming Dutch rejection bench and explains that she can’t be a mother to his adorable child. They both take it very hard and cry big crocodile tears. It’s clear that Nate checked all of Gabby’s boxes, but she’s just not ready to take on motherhood.

2. Tiptoe Through the Tulips

Guess what? Zach and Rachel are the totes. He’s falling in love with her in a hot tub stuck smack dab in the middle of a field of gorgeous, colorful tulips. However, the biggest news is that I figured out why Rachel’s sleeves were so big on her red Lady Diana dinner dress. Her sleeves are full of tears from previous episodes. Also, Zach lost 86 pounds. For that, he gets the date rose.

3. Whip It Good

A black leather-clad woman named Susie snaps her whip in the general direction of Gabby’s gentlemen. They don’t know if they should be scared or aroused. For the next thirty minutes, the viewing audience is treated to a sexual escapade none of us signed up for. Most of the guys look annoyed but finally lean into the fact that they signed up for this nonsense. It’s Johnny who makes everyone laugh as their chest hair is seared by hot wax and their nipples are pinched by tiny clamps.

4. Ride the Rona

A somber Jesse Palmer knocks on Gabby’s door. She’s dressed to the nines in her flashiest, brightest, Dancing with the Stars costume. He takes two entire minutes to lead up to the dramatic, devastating, heart-breaking news that Logan has tested positive for coronavirus. After the ABC Intern reminds Gabby which one is Logan, she wishes him the best and silently broods over the fact that she can’t hang out with any of her guys because COVID ruins everything.

5. Why We Love Susan (not Susie)

This is a text message from my friend Susan after watching the cancellation of Gabby’s cocktail party:

6. Cheese Whiz

Rachel and her boys attend a cheese festival in the town square of a darling community. After holding yolks (think milkmaid) of cheese wedges, Tino uses psychological warfare to unnerve a shaking Ethan. Tino is crowed the king and feels that his subjects should bow before him.

All the guys gush in Rachel’s general direction at the cocktail party. Everyone feels that they are ready to introduce her to their parents. Rachel is smitten with each one, yet hands the date rose to Young Tyler, of all people. This is confusing for King Tino, who snaps at his handler “behind closed doors” that are made of glass. WE CAN SEE YOU, TINO.

7. Kiss From a Rose

The rose ceremony begins with Jesse casually mentioning that Logan won’t be joining the crew, so his rose is void. This news seems sketchy only to me. The cast hustles out poolside, in the crisp air, to hear their fate. Rachel will be visiting Zach, Tyler, Tino, and Aven’s hometown. Ethan will return to the small town tomorrow to try for Cheese King again.

Gabby will go with Erich, Jason, and Johnny to meet their families. Spencer will have to hitch a ride with Nate back to the USA.