Bachelorette Jenn Recap | Season 21 | Episode 3

I’ve been doing this for a long, long time. And I’m here to tell you that never in my almost twenty years of recapping this franchise have I encountered a “gyration warning” message on my screen. For countless seasons, we have endured rogue tongues, whispered moans in microphones, and Black Modesty Boxs trying to shelter us from debauchery. 

And while we have all witnessed showrunners forcing men into various layers of undress throughout the seasons, I salute the person who cheekily readied me for the Chach Parade I willingly observed on Monday night. 

I may have lived behind my couch cushion for a solid twenty minutes. But the point, dear reader, is that I LIVED. 

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover 4th of July candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelors on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Spencer
“Can Our Love Take Us Higher”

After watching the dudes watch their own reflections in the windows of the Melbourne Hyatt, I was eager to hear that our very own pet entrepreneur had landed a coveted one-on-one date with Jess. My excitement was stifled a bit by Jenn’s wide-leg pants and crop-topped ice-blue sweater. I should feel honored that she wore on national television the exact same outfit I wore my freshman year of high school, but the emotion is just not there. 

Instead, I worry if her bra will show if she lifts her arms in glee while riding around in the helicopter. 

Oh, who am I kidding? Jenn doesn’t wear a bra. Moving on. 

Jenn is overcome with adoration when Spencer helps her fasten her seatbelt and pours her a glass of champagne. That desire runs a little deeper when he stops taking in the scenery and starts taking in Jenn’s mouth. Spencer is uninterested in the twelve statues standing tall along the oceanfront. Time is of the essence and he must take advantage of this alone time!

You see, Spencer has a secret to share, which can only happen during the nighttime dinnerless date. He chooses to wear black, so you can’t see him profusely sweating but forgets to put on dress socks with his dainty ballet flats.

Jenn, on the other hand, notices nothing unusual about Spencer’s demeanor. Perhaps she’s distracted by her whimsical pink shrug. Where last week, ostriches sacrificed their feathers for her wardrobe choices, this week, some darling Muppets were asked to give their fur to the cause. 

We are led to believe that something really bad happened to Spencer or that he was a hot mess of a person once upon a time. His deep, dark secret is that he’s been engaged before. His significant other left him a few months before the big day, and he quickly learned that she had been cheating on him. 

Jenn sympathizes with the cheating part and wisely asks Spencer is ready for another engagement. The good news is that it’s been four years, and he’s ready to dive in head first. With Jenn. On national TV. With him on bended knee in six weeks. What could go wrong? Sure, he has trust issues since his fiancè CHEATED ON HIM, and he’s currently on a show where the lead girl, the potential future wife of his dreams, WILL ALSO CHEAT ON HIM, but that’s neither here nor there. 

Especially when you get to make out during fireworks. That’s true love. 

GROUP DATE ONE
“I’m Looking For Love Down Under”

Prepare yourself for gyration, ladies and gentlemen, because the Thunder From Down Under boys are tutoring Jenn’s suitors in all things strippery. In order to prove that these guys have what it takes to be with Jenn, they must execute a perfect body roll, throw themselves into a dolphin dive, and rip their tank tops off without struggling. If they can do these things while oiled up like greased pigs, that’s proof that they are MFEO.

Uncle Jesse introduces former bachelorettes from the Australian show who have been invited to help Jenn really cull through the men and their dance personas to figure out who humping the floor before them is here for the right reasons. 

Marcus did not disappoint in his astronaut suit. Neither did Jonathon in his fireman uniform. The other guys were fine, but I would like to focus on three who made me blush, gag, and roll my eyes.

Sam M. has sexual chemistry with Jenn. Everyone knows it. As a naughty chef, he did things with a spatula that were unnecessary. He halfway gives our bachelorette a lap dance and whispers unmentionable things in her ear. Let the record show that the Australian ladies have his number and blatantly told Jenn, as Sam M. was leaving the stage, that she should be wary. 

It’s Juan Pablo in sheep’s clothing. 

Devin is a detective who quickly flashes the entire world, wearing nothing but a black g-string under his overcoat. Admittedly, he’s not the fittest man in the group. There’s nary an ab to be found. But he owns the moment, which makes everyone cheer for him even harder. Everyone but Sam M. and Thomas, that is. Remember, they hate his “ankle-biting” guts. 

I wish Devin would have rethought his decision to prop a leg up onto Jenn’s chair and thrust his barely-covered junk in her face. That’s burned in my brain forever and the moment was not live action for me. 

Does Devin’s penis haunt Jenn at night? I think so. 

And finally, Sam N., who was very vocal about not wanting to be a part of the striptease in any sense of the word, thought it would be fun to cut his own grinding music, grab a microphone from Uncle Jesse, and profess his LOVE for the bachelorette. 

No, no. You remember correctly. They’ve had one conversation, and you thought he went home last week. Same guy. Sam N. Bless it. Poor Jenn pretends that she isn’t highly concerned by his announcement and thanks him for being vulnerable. 

Devin thinks it was a bold move for Sam N. to put himself out there. YOU DO YOU, SAM. He also tells Jenn that he hated every moment on stage because he used to be a husky kid. He thanked her for giving him the confidence to own the moment, and it was all worth the cringe when he saw her smile at him. 

Some people like Devin and want to defend him. I’m not one of those people. I also don’t love how Sam M. and Thomas can’t seem to get over the fact that Devin can get under their skin without even thinking. 

Mutual respect. 

Sam N. lets his drunk flag fly when he tries again to give Jenn a lap dance. She’s not having it. And even though she’s really into the Juan Pablo reboot, she gives the date rose to DEVIN for being real. 

GROUP DATE TWO
“Get Your Motor Running”

Four guys watch as Jenn arrives in a race car, crashing through a bunch of cardboard boxes. Pink powder flies everywhere, and I wonder whose gender reveal the showrunners ruined for some Australian driver. 

Only Aaron can drive a stick. Austin, Jeremy, and Hakeem must learn on the racetrack. Of all the boys, Jenn is still the best driver. At least Aaron does know what he’s doing. Remember, it’s his longtime dream to be a fighter pilot, and it just so happens that the Air Force called him today to say a spot has opened up. It’s now or never.

But Aaron is a smart guy. He’s going to give Jenn one more chance to prove that she is worth denying the biggest dream and career advancement in his life. All he has to do is beat these other jokers in a race around the track.

Duh. Of course, he’s going to win. 

BUT THEN HE DOESN’T.

Hakeem finishes in about ninety seconds, which I feel is respectable. Jeremy is somewhere around the three-minute mark. It’s natural to want to cry “LOSER,” but this joker stopped the car halfway so he could stick his tongue down Jenn’s throat, knowing that he wouldn’t get the special alone time since this competition is definitely in Aaron’s wheelhouse. 

But it was Austin who pulled out the win! And Jenn gives him a big kiss, claiming that hot boys can drive sticks. And they shave their heads into mullets. 

For some reason, we don’t get any new information on Austin because the camera doesn’t follow them during their alone time. Is the connection too strong? Are they falling in love while making out on top of a race car? Perhaps. 

She spends an equal amount of time with each of the four somewhat normal dudes at the cocktail party. It was actually nice not having anyone complain about mutual respect. In the end, Jeremy scores the date rose, and Aaron knows that his time with Jenn is short-lived. 

ROSE CEREMONY

Question: How many bunny tails does it take to make one fluffy white pashmina? 
Answer: Roughly 35.

Aaron pulls Jenn away first to let her know that he is leaving to be a fighter pilot. Jenn totally understands for two reasons. One, she doesn’t want him to have any resentment towards her should he stay. Two, she doesn’t like him. Easy peasy.

This becomes powerfully evident when Aaron nonchalantly warns her that some of her suitors are not ready to be engaged. When Jenn asks for proof of these allegations, she becomes angry when Aaron won’t provide the receipts. He casually informs her that “she knows” who the culprits are, and when Jenn insists that she for sure does NOT know, he challenges her to find out. 

Annoyed, Jenn walks him to the rejection limo, refrains from flipping him off, and marches right back into the cocktail party to warn anyone who cares that this is her life, and she is taking this journey very seriously. She summons Marcus to escort her out of the room because she needs a good guy to calm her down. Which he does. 

Now that her nerves are less than frazzled, she sidles up next to Sam M. to get his take on the speech she made. He’s unfazed because “none of it applies to me.” At first, Jenn is concerned. Then she realizes that Sam M. feels validated by their relationship and has no qualms about where it’s going. She knows Sam M. is here for her!

Again. It’s Juan Pablo in sheep’s clothing.

Devin manages to not be distracted by Jenn’s smeared lipstick and tells her that when she feels down and out, he will take the punches for her. He can’t wait to show her how he can protect her from the bad people in life. They will do it together. No perfection is needed.

Jenn eats it with a spoon.

Right before the rose ceremony, Spencer loses his cool and shouts at all those bickering about mutual respect to SHUT THE EFF UP. Then he gently tells Sam N. that the night is not young. He’s run out of time. Jesse literally clinked his champagne glass to signal the end of the evening.

Oddly enough, Sam N, the love virgin, does get a rose, along with everyone other than Hakeem and Puppy Tomas. We shall see if Sam N. has one more week in him and if Spencer can handle the fact that he’s falling in love with a girl who is crushing on at least four other dudes.