Bachelorette Jenn Recap | Episode 4

I don’t know if you know this, but New Zealand is the perfect place to fall in love. It’s also the perfect place to hate on Devin, pressure Jenn into jumping off a building, escort a wannabe bad boy directly to the awaiting rejection SUV, and rekindle a romance that you thought was smack dab in the Friend Zone. 

And I loved every second of the chaos!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover 4th of July candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelors on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
Uncle Jesse Palmer

Jenn and Jesse meet up to share every item on the lefthand side of the menu of a quaint restaurant in Aukland. Quite frankly, I understand why she would want the company of the silver fox over some of the jokers in her own Chach Parade, but I have to wonder what’s going on here. 

Gather round, ye children, because Grandpappy Jesse is here to share lamb chops AND wisdom. Have you ever wondered why camera crews do not show our bachelorette and her suitors eating on film? Well, wonder no more.

Back when Jesse was a young whipper snapper navigating his own journey to find love with the help of this franchise, showrunners were stunned by his ability to hold a conversation and inhale an entire hamburger at the same time. Stunned and sick out. A ban was put on all “food dates” that didn’t consist of digesting insects or something gross. 

And that’s it! Sure, Jenn tells Jesse that she’s certain her husband is in this crop of young men, but he’s too busy ordering everything on the righthand side of the menu to care. Jenn bids him adieu and traipses outside to find her boys cheersing (aka: toasting) New Zealand with glasses of sangria. 

REAL FIRST ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Sam M.

Jenn looks bland in an outfit that is head-to-toe beige. I can say this because I was forced to wear head-to-toe khaki while working as a world-famous Jungle Cruise Skipper. Oh how I longed for color whilst driving a boat around in a circle for eight-hour shifts. “Make sure to catch that three o’clock parade! If you do catch it, let it go. It will drag you all the way to Main Street.”

Sam wears a bright orange jacket that anyone from the great state of Tennessee immediately covets. Rocky top, indeed!

Auckland has a structure that looks an awful lot like the Seattle Space Needle. Jenn thinks they are going up to the top to have a nice brunch and to enjoy the 360-view of the city. Her gaze is temporarily jotled by a body hurtling down the windows directly in line where she and Sam are cheersing (aka: toasting) their date. 

Jenn knows immediately what is up and starts shaking her head. Access denied. No, thank you, kind Auckland Space Needle representative. Jenn will not be flinging herself off of a building today. Can we get another bottle of champagne over here since we won’t be eating anything?

Sam is all about the “sky jump” and informs the representative that they will indeed be participating. To Jenn’s defense, she calls him out for speaking on her behalf and informs the repp that SHE will NOT be jumping. 

Sam owns the fact that he is making her do this because he wants her to feel proud of herself fifty years from now for jumping off a building in New Zealand. And if she doesn’t want to jump, he will push her. 

The words “highly annoyed” and “all the way pissed” describe a fraction of what I feel toward Sam at this point. I’m convinced he is Juan Pablo 2.0 and I’m so done with him. 

The Sky Tower rep walks the duo outside so they can get a feel for the height. Bless the woman working the bungee jump. She had every reason to believe the two people in front of her were willing participants and eagerly congratulated them for stepping out onto the ledge. 

That’s when Jenn reveals that she is not jumping. YES!!! SUCK IT, JUAN PABLO! Jenn reveals that Sam is not doing a good job reading her emotions or picking up on her very visible context clues that she is not good with this arrangement. Sam, on the other hand, tells the camera that he wants Jenn to be comfortable. Also, he wants her to be comfortable being UNcomfortable. 

When Jenn starts crying, Sam buys a clue and realizes that he has to show some inkling of emotional support. He mumbles that she doesn’t have to jump if she doesn’t want to, but he knows she will be glad she did. 

He tells her what to do and how to feel. This guy is a treasure. 

Just when I think Jenn is going to flip the entire crew off and stalk back into the Sky Tower dining room, she agrees to jump and steps off the ledge, falling hundreds of feet down below. Juan Pablo followed her with a you-know-what-eating grin that promised more arguments won in the future. 

Naturally, Jenn thanks him for encouraging her to face her fears and taking that leap of stupid faith with her. She ends up in his arms because near death only brings people closer. 

Sam Pablo can suck it. 

In order to regain power, Jenn wears a dress with a plunging neckline so severe that I contemplated if she had the gown on backward. Then I realized the wardrobe choice was symbolic. She hopes to find out during dinner if their conversations can go deeper, just like her dress. 

Jenn carefully chooses her words, letting him know that she had a hard time with him not keying into the fact that she was overwhelmed. Past boyfriends had dismissed her feelings, and he sure did walk that edge today. 

Sam Pablo checks his D-Bag Handbook, locks eyes with Jenn, and promises to never stop working on their relationship. He wants wild, passionate love. He wants his person to choose him every single day. 

Jenn agrees with that, but her parent’s divorce really screwed her up, and sometimes she doesn’t feel worthy of that passion and love. 

Sam Pablo whispers, “You. Are. Worthy.” Drawing each word out with that Southern drawl. Then he shares that his former fiancè cheated on him and it was a punch to the gut. But he got over it and is ready to go hard for love again. 

While some of us pause, wondering if the finacè would have the same story as Sam Pablo, Jenn receives this information as Sam being capable of love since he’s been engaged before. He understands what it is, and she wants to help him find it by straddling his lap and groping him on national television.

Roommate Lara: “I’m worried about Jenn’s discernment. She has a bad picker.”
Lincee: “Tale as old as time in Bachelor Nation.”

GROUP DATE 

This group date is all about separating the boys from the men, which is super handy since the entire roster for this season thinks Sam N. is a little boy trapped on a reality dating show. Interestingly enough, Sam N. claims to be unfazed by anyone in the general vicinity other than Jenn and will stop at nothing to win her heart. 

It’s the blue team against the orange team for the Rugby Royale, and everyone is out to impress our bachelorette. And Sam N. is all about cheap shots and hardcore tackling on the field. Luckily, Grant and John are on his team, so they technically win. Sam N. takes it upon himself to hoist Jenn in the air in a victory march and later replaces her with the actual trophy that he carries around like a kid who won a participation trophy in Little League soccer. 

Naturally, Thomas feels like he should have a solo meeting with Sam N., instructing the boy on how to play friendly with the men. Sam is uninterested in fraternizing with the enemy. His one goal is to kiss his future wife. His first kiss will be Jenn.

Thomas and I both stifle a laugh and I find myself shouting at the television for Sam N. to, “DO IT! FIND HER! KISS HER!” I have to see this nonsense unfold. I deserve it. We all do. 

Sam N. steals her away first and presents Jenn with his rugby jersey, where he has Sharpied “Sam’s Wife” on the back. Lovely. Or creepy. Take your pick. 

Our guy speaks ninety miles per hour, professing his love again and promising to get down on one knee for Jenn when the time comes. He just wants to understand her more and get to know his future wife.

Jenn all but pats him on the head before being whisked away by Jon-athon. They flirt and kiss, playing lacrosse in the driveway. It’s so cute, I almost forget that I’ve seen Jon-athon’s butt in a hospital gown! This is also when I notice Jenn’s bright orange dress that has a hole cut out of the right side. Only the right. It’s bedazzled with several rhinestones, which makes it a fancy “Cold Kidney Dress.” 

I don’t believe we’ve ever seen a cold kidney before. 

Jenn makes out with Grant while the other men complain that Sam N. is hella annoying. When Sam questions if the group requires an apology for being confident, Jon-athon responds what everyone is thinking, including me: “Literally don’t say anything. That would be the best-case scenario.” 

#truth

Later, Marcus shines during his alone time with Jenn when she finally gets him to admit that he was hurt during the rugby game. She takes out her stethoscope to listen to his heart and purses her lips when he admits that he’s been through worse.

WE KNOW, MARCUS! You are an American hero, and you admitted that you felt alone when you were hurt in combat. WE WILL NOT LET YOU BE ALONE!

Marcus is a bit glassy-eyed when he tells Jenn that he doesn’t want to appear weak. It feels selfish to ask someone else to carry that burden with him. 

So…Marcus is the opposite of Sam Pablo. Got it. 

Next, Thomas tries to connect with Jenn on a different level, but it interrupted by Sam N. who is bound and determined to share a kiss with the bachelorette. So he asks her if they can smooch and her response is a gentle, “no.” Jenn admires his vulnerability and asks if she can walk him to the rejection SUV.

I don’t know who was happier. Me or Thomas. 

And Marcus gets the date rose for being awesome. The tears choke him up, and the boys all slap him on the back, telling him how much they love him and how much he means to them. 

I haven’t felt this much patriotism since Steve helped Team USA win the bronze on the pommel horse. 

Please tell me you know about Steve…

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
DEVIN

After learning about the Maori culture in New Zealand, this opens up an appropriate time for Jenn to tell Devin that she wants her kids to know more about her Vietnamese and Buddhist heritage. Spoiler: Devin has no qualms and will follow Jenn and their unborn children to the ends of the earth. 

At dinner, Devin learns that he and Jenn have way more in common than they learned the last time they discussed their similarities. Absentee dad. Strong mom. Trying to figure out your value in the world. 

Devin thanks her again for helping him to open up even more. He admits that he’s falling for her and he wants to celebrate that every day that he can. She rewards him with the date rose.

Does Jenn like Devin? I think so. There is camaraderie there. I think she appreciates his personality and that he makes her laugh in an odd situation. But the hard part about this scenario is that she has test subjects lined up with whom to compare. She can kiss Devin, and it can be great. Then she can kiss Sam Pablo, and it can be electric. 

She can’t help but compare the two. And I think that will be the demise of her relationship with Devin. My dream is that she comes to her senses with Sam Pablo, but that, so far, is a pipe dream. 

LOVER BOY

Jesse interrupts what we think is an upcoming rose ceremony to tell us that someone from Jenn’s past has flown across the world on his own dime to see Jenn and express his feelings for her in the middle of this journey to find love. Uncle Jesse would like us to believe that he thinks this is a good idea and wants to give the young buck a chance.

Lincee believes this is stirred up drama and loves every second. BRING ON THE BOY!

Matthew waltzes into the hotel, allegedly straight off the airplane, in comfy clothes, not looking too jetlagged. Jesse tells him that time is of the essence. Jenn’s journey is halfway over! There’s a rose ceremony in mere hours. Matthew must make haste!

We learn Matthew’s backstory has he crosses the street to find Jenn. They dated three years ago and “found themselves back together.” He loves her and wants her back. He’s willing to join the show to prove how much he’s in this to win this. 

Jenn sees Matthew, and the shock is real. He tells her that he “blew off both weddings” and came to see her instead of going to Colombia. Why ABC didn’t ask Matty to explain that sentence is a mystery, but whatever. 

Matthew tells her that his feelings are strong and he can’t let her get engaged without throwing his own hat into the ring. 

Jenn: “Are you ready to get engaged?”
Matthew: “Yes.”
Jenn: “Matthew…”

Jenn tells the camera that Matthew is not the toxic ex she bashed at the beginning of the season. They had recently connected and she was under the impression that they were just friends. Now she’s confused and must think, think, think, through what she’s going to do.

My guess is that Matthew will join them for the cocktail party next episode and she will have to suffer through all of her gentleman callers complaining about how this isn’t fair. Then she will come to her senses and send him back home. Or to Colombia so he can at least make the reception for that last wedding.