Bachelorette Katie Recap: Michael Leaves and Men Annoy All
We’ve been down the Men Tell All road before. This isn’t our first rodeo. It always has, and always will be, a little lackluster in the entertainment department. More times than not, I feel that the men prefer to whine and moan instead of telling us anything useful.
And since Tayshia and Kaitlyn are physically unable to push a conversation forward in a logical direction, the minutes drag on at a snail’s pace. The good news is that I’ve now found a cure for my insomnia. Kudos to the ladies for looking fabulous in complimentary red dresses. At least they brought their A-Game in this regard. PS: LOVE Tayshia’s braids.
Now, before I recap the finer points of Men Tell All, there is a critical storyline I must address:
MICHAEL GOES HOME
The show begins with Tayshia and Kaitlyn wandering around the resort, mentally compiling a pro/con list for the remaining men. Friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together. So Tayshia encourages Kaitlyn to tell the remaining roster that she loves them because it doesn’t matter if you say that to more than one person.
This is what bachelorettes do. It’s what they live for. To help poor, unfortunate souls like Justin finally catch a supernova before casting them as the lead as a sad lyric in a Taylor Swift breakup song, which Connor the Cat will undoubtedly play on his ukulele in Paradise.
Katie balks. She only wants to say “I love you” to her future fiance. Tayshia warns that this may backfire in her face. This is what we call foreshadowing, people.
The conversation quickly zeros in on Michael. Katie is nervous to meet his family, yet admits becoming an instant mom feels exciting. Unfortunately, at this exact same moment, Michael is limping through a FaceTime conversation with his son, in which James pitifully asks, “Maybe Daddy left because he don’t want to see me.”
I’m gutted. I’ve been punched in the trachea. BARTENDER! POUR THE WINE!
How Michael manages not to break down in a sobbing puddle of guilt-ridden tears is a miracle. Sure there is visual evidence of heartbreak, but he handles himself beautifully on camera before he politely thanks the producer for letting him use her phone. Then he hugs her like an old friend.
There has to be some sort of reason Michael is such a nice guy. Did he make a deal with the devil? Perhaps it’s essential oils? I hear a combination of frankincense and lavender diffused at night provides an unnatural willingness to parrot Mr. Rogers at all costs.
Michael wastes no time packing his bags. He visits Katie to calmly and rationally explain that although he thinks what they have is strong and sustainable, he simply can’t be in two places at once. James is his priority and he is unable to focus on anything else after hearing his son wonder if his dad doesn’t want to see him. He has to leave and he acknowledges that his decision to remove himself from her life will hurt Katie.
Katie blurts out, “I saw us going to the end, which makes this really confusing for me.”
INTERESTING. Does Katie mean the very end? As in the peanut butter to my jelly? The Ross to my Rachel? The Chris Pine to Lincee?
Michael continues to prove that he’s some sort of artificial intelligence made of all the ingredients which compose the perfect man. He hands her the stopwatch from his icebreaker on night one. It represents the two concepts that anyone in their situation grapples with during their experience at the resort: time and love. He knew love would not be the harder one to attain. They just ran out of time.
I’m split open. I’ve been punched in the heart valve. BARTENDER! POUR THE BOURBON!
Michael: “I think it would have worked.”
Katie: “I know it would have worked.”
Katie does the only thing she can do when facing a situation such as this. She praises Michael for being a great dad. She understands that begging him to stay is not an option, and she supports his decision to return to James.
Michael smiles his sweet smile. He thanks Katie for teaching him to be a better man and how to love again. Then they just stare at each other. Something inaudible passes between them and they nod as big thick tears drip down each of their cheeks. The moment ends with a tight hug, a soft kiss, and Michael trudging down the hallway.
Mascara steams down Katie’s face. She’s mad. She’s sad. And she says it’s possible that “her person” just left the building.
MEN TELL ALL
To keep with the tradition of past Men Tell All recaps, I will now boil down ninety minutes of footage into ten helpful bullet points which shed light on the important pieces of information we gathered after watching and fast-forwarding through the show.
- I’m unsure why the producers allow so much time for Aaron, the Canadian, Karl, and Hunter to essentially bicker about nothing. I have zero investment in any of these jokers and couldn’t care less why they all hate each other. You should know that the term of endearment “brah” was uttered 47 times and “fake news” was thrown around as if the Canadian just learned the phrase. I actually cringe thinking they will all be in Paradise together.
- Karl: “Brendan is only here for a free ticket to America and all-you-can-drink beer.”
- Hunter now brushes his hair forward down over his forehead. It’s not a great look.
- Connor still believes that he is a horrible kisser. While in the hot seat, he tries to convince himself that it was the chemistry that was off, not his prowess. He even texted ex-girlfriends to gauge an honest opinion.
- Suddenly, some rando woman in the audience interrupts the conversation, assuring Connor that there’s no way he’s a bad kisser. Pay no attention to the fact that this lady has a hidden microphone. DO NOT PULL AT THAT THREAD, DEAR READER. Connor invites the plant down to lay a big fat one on her, as the guys chant his name. They absolutely love this moment.
- Connor the Cat has been redeemed by Random Tara on national television. All is well. He should be fine in Paradise.
- Andrew is up next and the crowd goes wild as he takes the hot seat. His jacket? Incredible. His smile? Adorable. Kaitlyn and Tayshia walk him through producer-fed questions which provide answers that tee him up to be the perfect next bachelor candidate. His name is surely in the hat. He’s currently a little sad and wifeless. He’s moments away from recording a country song, which is exactly the demeanor needed to fit this bill.
- Michael taps in after Andrew. I’m not afraid to report that his beard is lamentable. In the words of the great philosophers the Backstreet Boys, quit playing games with my heart, Michael, and shave that monstrosity off.
- What we do learn from Michael is that nothing has changed when it comes to his feelings toward Katie. In fact, if she wanted to date him right now, he’d say yes. This is the part of the recap where you cross your fingers and hope that Katie runs out in her lime green dress, plowing herself into Michael’s arms, whispering, “I do! And cut your beard!” That did not happen.
- However, when Kaitlyn tells Katie later that Michael is ready for round two, Katie looks stoic, a little disturbed, and vows that she has moved forward. Whatever is meant to be, is meant to be.
- I’m telling you. This woman is not happy. At all.
- For some reason, ABC decides to air Jason proposing to Kaitlyn on her podcast. This makes me sad. Not because I don’t like Jason and Kaitlyn — I do! But it’s sad that Katie’s season is so boring that show runners are forced to dig into tertiary characters’ lives to come up with interesting things to broadcast.
- Katie accidentally called Aaron by the name of Thomas and it was epic.
- Connor wrote another song. About his bromance with the guys on the show. They loved it, which proves Connor is a great guy.
- Thomas wasn’t at Men Tell All, but he did make an appearance via Zoom to apologize for his behavior. No one cared.
- I have no idea what is going to happen, but something tells me that Katie ends up with Blake and she’s not happy about it. Here’s hoping she ditches him after her contract is up and she heads to a certain single dad in Ohio when this is all over!