Bachelorette Katie Recap: Right Reasons
Hello dear readers. After the flabbergastion (that’s a word) of last night’s episode, I find myself scratching my head, puzzling through multiple questions. These include, but are not limited to:
Why is he still talking?
Did Katie understand that he’s a virgin?
Have these people ever seen the show?
Does Andrew S. have a single uncle?
It was a wild and crazy second week. One that left Katie dropping hardcore F-bombs, not once but twice in a matter of twenty-four hours. I’m not sure if you picked up on this, but some individuals may not be here for the right reasons (right reasons). This thoroughly pisses Katie off, especially since she’s just dipped a freshly polished toe in her journey to find love in the desert.
Have we ever experienced hysterical sobbing this early in the game? Even the wide-eyed Anna from Matt James’ season waited until week five to insinuate that Brittany “entertained men for money.” Katie is an emotional mess. Will she be able to pull it together?
Yes. Yes, she will, thanks to Kaitlyn and Tayshia. They may not console her during the nighttime hours when she’s hyperventilating in her cocktail dress, but they will celebrate Katie’s future engagement with a strawberry smoothie spiked with a healthy serving of Cristal. Cheers!
FIRST GROUP DATE
Katie is looking for love. And since she is sex-positive, there are zero qualms when Juicy Scoop podcaster Heather McDonald leads the men through a sex quiz. Although I guessed incorrectly that the skin is the largest sex organ, I did know the number of erogenous zones. These are just a few of the life lessons Friends taught me, along with peeing on a jellyfish sting and how old lobster couples walk around in their tanks holding claws.
Of course, our resident virgin Mike is on this date and is super upset by the quiz. He fumbles his way through it without much kickback (answering most of the inquiries with a question mark) but full-on cries when Heather explains that the guys will have to perform a stand-up routine as to why they are the greatest lover of all time.
Most of the guys are nervous. Connor the Cat Man, however, is in his zone. Is he the greatest lover? Who knows? He does bring a touch of talent with a little guitar/piano theatrical performance that underlines his humor and sexual prowess. He’s no Jed (gross) or He Who Must Not Be Named (ugh), so I’ll allow it. Our bachelorette L-O-V-E-S the Ode to Katie. She and her daytime drinking buddies Tayshia and Kaitlyn all but hand Connor the Cat Man the trophy.
Alas, they do have to trudge through the rest of the lineup.
Christian monologs about emptying a litter box, taking out the trash, and then he removes his pants. I would roll my eyes, but I’m a sucker for a Boston accent.
Tre forces a lion hand puppet and an elephant hand puppet to have jungle sex. He even suggests a safe word: PEACHES.
If someone knows Tre personally, please text him and let him know that we already have a safe word for all Bachelor-related content. Established in 2008, the official safe word for all Bachelor-related content is PINEAPPLE. Please use it accordingly.
Garrett sexualizes a blindfold and fuzzy handcuffs, Quartney sexualizes a carrot, and James (who was in the box) puts his man parts in a box, proving he reads my recap.
And then there’s Karl. He likes to test my patience. As a motivational speaker, Karl’s job is to inspire and propel people forward to be the best at whatever they are trying to accomplish. Unfortunately, Karl contorts his training into something a little darker, choosing to use his skills to provoke, challenge, and generally irritate anyone within hearing distance. Karl drones on and on for way too long. Everyone is uncomfortable, yet no one utters PINEAPPLE to make it stop.
Finally, Virgin Mike is up. He takes Katie’s hand and pulls her onto the stage with him. He opens his plain, black journal and begins to read sweet nothings. He deems her loving, passionate, funny, and wonders out loud what kind of mother she would be? Katie begins to cry, thankful that one man among eight chose not to be crass.
Remember, Katie is sex-positive. But she’s not just about sex, okay? Don’t let the producers fool you into thinking she walks around with her Pavelka in her back pocket all the livelong day.
Mike ends his simple soliloquy by sharing with Katie that he would “wait for another 31-years for sex if it meant to sacrifice everything for you to feel love.” Katie beams. She later tells the camera that Mike is the only one who gets her.
Heather awards the Greatest Lover trophy to Virgin Mike, and seven other guys nearly break their jaws from them falling to the floor so hard.
Connor the Cat is not going to let his second-place position of Greatest Lover get him down. He has an agenda, and that agenda is a first kiss redo. Connor believes he rushed it the night before, not to mention the fact that he cradled Katie’s face in scratchy fur in the shape of black-and-white paws he scored at Party City.
Connor is polite, charming, and funny. He’s humble enough to gently thank Katie for complimenting his musicality. I’m sure there’s not an ulterior motive. He is overjoyed by their connection, confessing that he doesn’t have to think when he’s around her. The world just fades away.
Then he goes in for the big kiss. And boy, is it big. He gets in there with that tongue. Cleaning it all out. I won’t comment on how he holds her head awkwardly because I’m rooting for the Cat Man.
I’m also rooting for Thomas, but the previews make me rethink my decision to applaud his ability to be so tall and handsome. He slinks into the room, moving like a dusty rose panther. He dismisses Karl easily and takes a seat on the couch next to Katie. He praises her strength and her natural ability to place people at ease. He exalts her with a thousand greeting card sayings, and before we know it, Katie is in his lap.
This is love, and if Thomas is pulling you into his embrace, you trust the ABC cameraman to pan up, so we don’t see Katie’s unmentionables.
Of course, the camera doesn’t, so we all watch as Thomas puts the moves on Katie’s butt, wondering why someone so small needs Spanx? She’s a teeny tiny pocket person. Isn’t that the benefit of being a sprite? That you don’t have to wear foundational garments to make you appear thinner?
Whatever the case may be, I can report that Thomas’ kissing game exceeds the Cat Man enough to land Thomas the coveted date rose.
The wind is absent from many sails the moment Greg is announced as the first date recipient. With the first impression rose slowly decaying on his nightstand, it’s clear that Greg officially has a target on his back as a front-runner.
I’ll say it. As of right now, based on what I’ve learned about Greg on screen, he is the one to beat. In fact, I’m not sure if anyone else can hold a candle to Greg and his “aw shucks” attitude and heartbreaking vulnerability.
Katie arrives in a red Chevrolet truck, waves to her gentlemen suitors gathered on the upper veranda for a morning mimosa, and crows, “Where’s my date?” Greg trots out of the front door wearing the male version of Katie’s outfit. If you open up to page thirteen in your current Land’s End catalog, you will see a replica of the matching, yet not matching, unisex hoodie/flannel combo, perfect for fake camping in New Mexico.
Katie pulls up to the river, hops out of the cab of the truck, and begins to unload baskets, food, a tent, and cans of bug spray, I presume. Greg spies the fishing poles and reacts like a boy on Christmas morning discovering a pony under the tree.
Greg loves to fish. My boy never said he loves to camp. So it shouldn’t surprise any of us that he has no clue how to set up a tent. Katie finds this adorable and even encourages him to create a makeshift toilet out of a bucket, just like her dad used to do. Greg obliges. He uses an ax to cut a hole, buries the bucket partially in the ground, and tests out the commode, deeming it the perfect height.
Katie determines that this is the absolute perfect time to have a moment. While Greg is sitting on the can. It was awkward and unfortunate and all sorts of wrong. Just like this entire season.
Not only does Katie discuss Greg’s perfection, but she shares that her father loved camping, and this is a special time for her because he died in 2012. I remind you that all of these feels are outpouring as Greg pretends to drop a deuce.
They finally meander over to the river to fish. Greg encourages Katie to always be honest and vulnerable with him. He understands. He wants to be that rock she needs. He can be that guy for her.
It turns out Greg truly does understand. He shares through a steady stream of tears at dinner that he also lost his dad a few years ago. And his favorite memory? His father waking him up in the early morning hours to go fishing.
Katie is smitten. She’s already falling for Greg. He has endeared himself to her in more ways than one. Especially when his eyes light up at the fireworks going off in the distance. Making out on the bed of the truck with the warm glow of pyrotechnics in the background makes for a perfect date.
Game on, boys. Who will step up to the plate to knock Greg off of his very high pedestal?
SECOND GROUP DATE
Tayshia and Kaitlyn pilfer from the reject pile in the costume closet at the community center where local kids are performing a rendition of Annie Get Your Gun. They sneak into the guys’ dorms, banging wooden spoons on pots and pans to wake up the cowpokes for their early-morning group date competition.
No one is allowed to change. This means we have the privilege of now knowing who wears boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs. There was so much junk and so few black modesty boxes. These are the things that make me commit to the couch cushion—also, PINEAPPLE.
Luckily, Tayshia and Kaitlyn have cowboy outfits for all the boys to wear, complete with a plaid shirt, jeans, boots, and a straw hat. Was I disturbed by the lack of belt on all the bleary-eyed gentlemen? Sure. But it’s Kaitlyn who fills me in on the fact that the guys must mud-wrestle one another to win Katie’s belt buckle.
It’s best on to pull too hard at these group date strings. Just go with it.
Up first is High Hair Brendan versus Hunter, who claims he’s a real cowboy. Good for you, Hunter! I promise not to tell anyone that the Canadian made you eat mud three times in a row. Giddy up!
Andrew S. and Kyle are next. Sweet Kyle understands the gravity of the situation and uses his screen time to send love to his parents, as well as telling his brothers that they can’t have any of his stuff when he dies. The football player kicks Kyle’s booty.
John and Josh go at it. It’s a draw, which means neither die in battle.
Aaron and Cody follow them. You might recall from night one that Aaron stuck his finger in Cody’s face at the cocktail party, claiming he didn’t like Cody’s attitude. We all assumed Aaron was a meathead, so it’s no surprise that the producers pit them against each other.
The tension is palpable. So much so that even Kaitlyn and Tayshia pick up on it despite their morning buzz. When Aaron wins the round, Katie gives him the buckle, which affords Aaron alone time with our bachelorette.
Katie is so anxious to figure out what’s going on that she doesn’t let Aaron shower or change out of his filthy cowboy uniform. Dried mud in the nether regions has to be a pain, yet he takes it all in stride and even comes clean when Katie gets all, “WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU TWO?”
Aaron knows Cody from back home. He is not here for the right reasons (right reasons). Aaron is just trying to protect Katie and the other dudes from someone who is all about social media posts. Cody wants to be famous. He’s a malicious dude. Aaron doesn’t want that energy around the house.
Katie quickly ends her brief time with Aaron so she can cry in private. This is her biggest fear. Are people on this show to gain Instagram followers? To be an influencer?
The desert heat must be getting to her. YES, Katie. That is exactly what’s happening.
At the after-party, Katie immediately whisks Cody away to get to the bottom of what’s going on. She slightly throws Aaron under the bus, admitting that he told her he knew Cody from back home, and he described him as malicious and unkind. How do you respond?
Cody: That is not factual information.
Katie: So you’re not here for fame?
Cody: I’m unsure what he’s talking about.
Katie: Why would he go out of his way to say something that is completely not true?
Cody: Perhaps it’s an exaggeration?
Katie: Someone is lying to me.
Cody stares at Katie blankly. He’s not mad. He’s not confused. He’s not irritated. He’s just there, never denying anything. Katie thinks his lack of devastation is a red flag. So she sends him home.
Katie returns to the cocktail party, announcing that she has just put Cody in a black rejection SUV because this is HER LIFE. She takes some time to collect her thoughts, and after about ten minutes, the wisest of them all sneaks away to offer our bachelorette a glass of wine.
With that gesture alone, Andrew S. becomes another rock for Katie. He spends his time opening up, so she is certain of his intentions. This somehow leads to a conversation about how they both grew up without money and just like that, Greg has some competition as Katie fastens the date rose to Andrew’s jacket.
Katie wants people to know that she means business. She slicks her hair back into a severe style and matches the mood with a severe green shiny dress. She greets her gents with a simple, “I sent Cody home last night,” and then asks Michael, the one guy who did not get a date this week, to join her on the conversation couch.
She explains to Michael that he didn’t get a date because she felt their connection was already solid. He geeks out over this news and asks to kiss her. They giggle like children and blush like babies. Because I like Michael, I’m going to say it was cute instead of odd.
Katie is on cloud nine after a quick interlude with Thomas. She even tells the camera that the night couldn’t be any more perfect!
Karl straight-up lies and tells Katie in a very vague, non-descriptive way that multiple men in the house don’t have the best intentions. When Katie demands names or examples, he is reluctant to give them to her, imploring that she remain vigilant.
Katie is officially confused. She doesn’t know anything beyond her gut, smarts, and what the other dudes tell her. Can she trust Karl? Or is he stirring the pot? She addresses the group, emotions flying, insisting that if they are not here for her, they need to get the BLEEP out.
She marches out of the room, Aaron, her confidant, quick to follow. All the guys look at one another. Who said what? Someone dropped a bomb, and they need to step up and admit it. What is going on?
Karl admits that he spoke to her. Then he lies, claiming Katie asked if he felt anyone was not there for the right reasons. The guys revolt! Who did you name? What is your reasoning? Again, Karl says he “heard some stuff.” He feels he needs to give the person a chance to come forward themselves.
Thought: I don’t think he heard anything, but his guess is probably accurate. I bet that there are probably five dudes there who couldn’t care less about Katie. Karl is playing the odds. Is he a horrible person or the smartest one we know? Probably both.
The night ends, not with a rose ceremony, but with Katie weeping into her hands. There’s no tissue to catch her tears. No comforting hands to walk her through this drama. She’s just alone with her thoughts.
Will Karl stick around? Or will this be enough to send him home? Does anyone know this character named Josh? And should we put the letter S behind Andrew’s name with the other Andrew is nothing but a figment of our imagination?
Sound off in the comments section. And remember — NO SPOILERS!