Bachelorette Katie Recap | Week 4

Would you like to learn the real definition of buzzkill? My dictionary says, “Whining incessantly, either for or against, the probability that a jackwagon is pursuing a platform to be the next bachelor.” 

Guys. Do better. No one cares. Let’s not give me any more ammunition to utilize my fast-forward button on the old DVR.

Excluding Michael, who is alarmingly clueless, each suitor is on the show to gain some recognition. Thomas didn’t do or say anything that the rest of them haven’t considered or thought. His biggest mistake was trying to be noble and honest by saying it out loud. His other mistake was terrible delivery of forced propaganda. 

The camaraderie among most of the male cast members is intriguing. The band of brotherhood is strong with these men, and they will stop at nothing to cut out the infection spreading through its ranks. First comes Cody. Then comes Karl. And now Thomas has to hit the bricks since he’s not here for the right reasons (right reasons).

Another interesting fact? Thomas knows his days are numbered. The writing is on the wall. Quartney blatantly tells Thomas that he’s the villain in an 80s movie. The dorky nerds, boys-next-door, and beefy meatheads have formed a hedge of protection around our heroine, and someone is about to sweep the leg. 

Here’s hoping we have a fantastic lip sync moment during a parade or in a record shop in the near future. 

GROUP DATE (technically from last week)

I have several nitpicks with this date that I will list for you in no particular order:

Con: Five-inch heels in the desert seem unwise. 
Pro: The heels were adorable. 

Con: After 27 seasons, how does no one on set have a ponytail holder for windy days?
Pro: Katie’s hair has been fabulous all season. It’s so shiny. 

Con: Eating an entire plate of Twinkies does not equal eating an entire plate of mashed potatoes, in my opinion.
Pro: I would have stepped up to the challenge of eating either.

Con: Is it pretentious to admit you haven’t eaten a carb in seven years? 
Pro: Kudos to the producer who KNEW it would be harder for these dudes to eat carbs instead of forcing them to swallow crickets and elephant testicles like they did during Tayshia’s season.

Con: Why does Andrew S. insist on using his English accent all the time? 
Pro: It does sound good while whispering “sweet nothings” into a giant ear. 

Con: Greg is a dork who whispers a geography lesson to Katie instead of sexy things.
Pro: I thought it was funny. So did Katie.

Con: Why is waxing body hair a thing on this show?
Pro: How many of the dudes asked their buddy to wax their chest hair so they wouldn’t have to do it later?

Con: Making someone eating habanero peppers is dangerous.
Pro: Making them drink milk after sitting out in the desert sun for hours is hilarious.  

Con: I wore the same plaid shirt Katie was wearing in ninth grade. I think Chance Sampson gave it to me when I was cold during Advanced Biology class.
Pro: I never adopted the grunge phase in high school. But I did wear that shirt because it smelled like Cool Water.

After Katie forces the gentlemen to absorb carbs, whisper sweet nothings, wax their body hair, risk their lives eating hot peppers, and fake propose, our bachelorette tells us that this activity really helps her suss out who is ready to get married. I had no idea that’s all it took. She may not know their last names, but if they can stand the whiskers on their butts being ripped from the roots with a smile on their face, it doesn’t matter. That’s the stuff from which marriages are built.

Things are going swimmingly, and Katie is super excited about the cocktail party. She arrives wearing a black and white herringbone coat dress, complete with black pantyhose and booties. But wait! There’s more!

Katie’s dress is covered in black and white sequins. Clearly, this piece of clothing was originally designed for Elle Woods to wear in a theatrical version of Legally Blonde. But, oddly enough, I approve. Can you imagine the sparkles against the desert moonlight if Katie bends and snaps? 

Andrew S. steals her away first and proves he understands Katie’s love language. Instead of peppering her with questions or concerns, Andy presents Katie with a plate of T-Bell tacos, ingredients from a Lunchable, and sour straws. This is a man after my own heart, and I’m here for it. As long as he doesn’t offer her a spoonful of sugar or declares something as supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, I think he will go far.

Greg wastes no time telling Katie that he is completely out of his comfort zone and has a little anxiety about living with a bunch of dudes who also want to date his best girl. Greg admits that he hates the feeling but knows she’s worth it. Katie responds, “You’re not trying to impress me. You’re just you — which impresses me.” Then she confesses that she’s starting to fall for Greg. They make out in celebratory bliss.

If Greg isn’t in your top four, he should be.

Tre takes a different approach. He is hellbent on sharing that Thomas is a mean girl who manipulates every conversation. He doesn’t even wear pink on Wednesdays! Katie must be told.

Andrew S. has a problem with this tactic, and he begs Tre to let it go. Half the group agrees. The other half does not. Tre’s stance is that Katie should know Thomas is a big fat liar. He reminds Andrew that she asked them to tell her when things aren’t right in the house. 

Andrew’s point is a good one. Thomas is not there on this date. So why would Tre bum everyone out by giving Katie something to fret over? He’s going to kill the moment. Instead of being Buzz Killington, Tre should use his time to get to know Katie. She’s going to figure out that Thomas is a chach. 

Tre doesn’t take Andrew’s advice and tells Katie that ALL the guys feel Thomas’ behavior is manipulative. He also reminds Katie that Thomas was asked several times if he was here to be the bachelor, and the answer was yes. Technically that’s not how the question was phrased, but whatever. Katie is glad Tre told her the unfortunate truth. Andrew is annoyed by the ripple effect it will inevitably cause.

Katie storms into the room to address the wonderful men who have made her feel so special on this date. She asks them as a unit (Mike’s word, not mine) if anyone else wants to say something about Thomas. Josh, Other Andrew, Christian, and Conor pile on. Katie politely announces that her frustration should not be misdirected to anyone in the room. Then she gives the date rose to Tre for being honest with her. 

Buzz Killington = 1
Andrew Poppins = 0

NEW BOY IN TOWN

As Katie cries in her room, melancholy over the discovery of Thomas’ transgressions, Tayshia shows up to have a little chat.

Katie: “The last person I expected to see was Tayshia.”
Lincee: “I know. I talk about it every week. I still say she and Kaitlyn have formed an entourage with the ABC Psychotherapist and the old man who rang the bell at mud wrestling, who obviously makes moonshine the back of his old pickup truck.”

Tayshia mysteriously explains that “someone from her past” reached out to see if she could hook an ex-boyfriend up on Katie’s season. This guy thinks Katie is the bee’s knees and wants to throw his proverbial hat in the ring. Since there are no rules, Tayshia wants to give Katie the chance to agree or disagree with having this man on the show. 

Katie hems and haws. On the one hand, she doesn’t want to ruin or disrupt relationships with the current guys. On the other hand, A BOY LIKES ME! She agrees to talk to this poor man who journeyed to New Mexico and quarantined for the chance to find love in a hot desert. 

In the worst kept secret of the season, Blake from Clare/Tayshia’s journey shows up in a courtyard, immediately apologizing for throwing a wrench into Katie’s plans. But he had to come. The producers paid him too much money to let the opportunity pass him by. 

Blake tells Katie all the right things, yet he delivers with a certain je ne sais quoi that Thomas lacks. Expressing his love for Katie’s gorgeous appearance, rocking body, confidence, playfulness, and sex positivity is something that comes naturally to the mountain man. 

I’m glad Katie acknowledges that Blake slid into her DMs, exalting her bold personality, before coming on the show. Additionally, she calls him out for dating not one but two other bachelorettes in the last year. Who does he think he is? Nick Viall? 

Blake has a prepared answer ready to go. He knows the risk of looking like an idiot is high. But the reward is also high, too, should this work out. A conflicted Katie tells Blake that she will have to think about it. Then she calls him a troublemaker. He retorts by promising that the journey WILL end in an engagement if he’s the last man standing.

UUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH. Do we like Blake? Is he just a better actor than Thomas? I feel like Katie. I’M SO CONFUSED. 

Thankfully, Tayshia and Kaitlyn show up in Katie’s room to discuss the ramifications of both Blake and Thomas. Neither have advice and all drink to drown out their sorrows. 

Sidebar: How many months until Tayshia breaks up with her guy? My guess is two. 

ROSE CEREMONY

Thomas wants the world to know that he’s a humble man. And the way to visually convey that information is to wear the same dusty rose jacket from night one. Or he gave the ABC Intern his Week 4 jacket in exchange for Katie’s room number. The sweet ABC Intern will definitely have the garment altered because no one is as tall as Thomas. 

Thomas knows that he’s damned if he talks to Katie, and he’s damned if he doesn’t. He knocks on her door and is welcomed in by our bachelorette, looking absolutely gorgeous in a skin-tight silver sparkly dress and red lipstick that would make current and 1989 Taylor proud. 

Thomas talks a good talk. He says all the right things. His eyes are puppy dog sad. Wanting to gain some ground with Katie, he tears up as he confides that he’s been ostracized from the group for living and telling his truth. 

His point? Can’t he think about the future AND fall for the girl? Because that’s what he did! He didn’t know her before the show!

When he tries to sneak in the fact that all the other guys probably thought about being the bachelor too, the wrath of Katie stops him mid-sentence. She knows FOR A FACT that there are men in the house who didn’t want to be the bachelor. (We’re looking at you, Sweet Michael.) Then she begins to cry, irritated that he’s so perfect.

Thomas jumps on the compliment and throws himself on his sword. He doesn’t know how this works. She’s the first person he’s ever met who makes him feel like he doesn’t have to put on a perfect face. Their connection is just intimidating, and the house is jealous. 

Katie thanks Thomas for his time and bids him adieu without sticking her tongue down his throat. Thomas slumps back into the room where all the other guys have been waiting HOURS for the cocktail party to start. 

Because they are in a brotonic relationship as the Seventeen Muskateers, Aaron speaks for the entire group, inquiring where Thomas has been? Thomas solidifies his moron status by apologetically conceding that he didn’t want to intrude on anyone’s time during the rose ceremony, so he talked with Katie before.

Thomas has to be a plant. No one is that dumb. 

The guys explode. Andrew S. reminds everyone that he said this would happen. Thomas usurped the rose ceremony, and now they all have to deal with a weepy Katie who doesn’t trust the system or the Seventeen Muskateers and Thomas as far as she can throw them. Aaron bucks back. Should they NOT have told her? Bury their heads in the sand? 

There was a bunch of whining and yelling and pitiful behavior that I tuned out. Instead, I looked online to try and find a Jungle Cruise t-shirt. Does anyone have any ideas? I prefer a screen print over a vinyl print.

My attention returns to the television when Katie marches into the room. She apologizes to Thomas that he feels left out of the group. She refuses to “say cheers,” which is Bachelor Nation’s version of “give a toast.” And she grabs Bear Claw Canadian to start the night.

The guys do one of two things: They talk about Thomas’ intentions or talk about themselves. As Justin, Christian, and Aaron yammer on about their concerns, I ponder out loud, “Who will be the one to talk about KATIE during their alone time?”

I guessed Sweet Michael. I was right. 

Sweet Mike doesn’t even mention the word “Thomas” or the phrase “right reasons.” Instead, he simply gushes over the fact that he can’t stop thinking about her. Then he turns beet red when she reveals that she’s been wondering if he could leave Ohio?

Michael: “The person you are is the person I’ve been seeking.”
Lincee: “SO HELP ME MICHAEL, IF  YOU ASK IF YOU CAN KISS HER…”

Katie dives in for the kiss, and all is well. Michael will not win. But he is her rock at the moment, and she’ll keep him for a few more weeks. 

ROSES 

Katie arrives in the rose ceremony room, hand on the Home Depot pedestal of roses. She picks up the first bud and is interrupted by Thomas. We all audibly groan, including the guys on the television screen. Tom apologizes and acknowledges all of his wrongdoings, and then steps back in line. 

Again, no one cares. 

Katie hands roses to all the people you would expect and a few whose names you can’t remember. The last rose called has Thomas’ name attached to it. I squeal because I have woefully judged Katie as someone who knows what she’s doing, yet here we are with Johnny Lawrence towering over our Pocket Person bachelorette.

Katie takes one step away from Thomas and spews insults in a rapid-fire format. He’s selfish. Unkind. A liar. A manipulator. And his bachelor audition ends tonight. LEAVE.

And that’s exactly what Thomas does. Without a word or any emotion, he turns and walks out the door. Will we see him in Paradise? 

I hope so!

Katie says goodbye to Christian, Conor, and David, leaving one single boutonniere in her hand. Will she make potpourri with the coveted bud? Heavens no.

Earlier in the night, when Thomas came into the room of dudes before the cocktail party, Christian mentions that it’s midnight. So I think we can safely say that it’s probably three or four in the morning at this point. 

This is why Blake is all bleary-eyed when he answers his door. Poking only his head out, Blake asks Katie to wait while he puts on some boxers. Do I care that Blake sleeps commando? Not at all. I do find it peculiar that he chooses to answer the door naked? Yes. Yes, I do.

Blake presents himself in whimsical boxers and a hoodie. This should have taken all of thirty seconds, yet Katie doesn’t hesitate to ask him why she had to wait outside in her couture gown for well over two minutes. 

Just as I’m thinking, “Let the man pee, Katie. Geez.” Blake answers that he had to pop a breath mint. Why this tickled me, I have no idea. Maybe I’m slowly drawn into Blake’s web, and I, too, will fall for his charm. 

Katie invites Blake to stay. He agrees, hugs her goodnight, and laughs as he realizes he’s locked himself out of his room. 

What do you think? Is Thomas a villain? Is Blake sincere? Will Katie break Michael’s heart? Sound off in the comments section. And remember, NO SPOILERS!

Bachelorette Katie Recap | Week 4