Bachelorette Michelle Recap | Week 1

It seems like just yesterday, we met Michelle Young as she crashed Matt James’ party about three weeks into his season. Now the darling, athletic, lovable teacher with legs for days has shimmied into a mint green sparkly dress made from chainmail and is ready to find the love of her life among many dapper-looking, age-appropriate men.

Over on the iHateGreenBeans podcast, Some Guy in Austin and I touted our front-runners. Using ABC biographies and Instagram accounts alone, we sifted through the roster, looking for individuals we think have what it takes to make Michelle happy. Some of our choices were spot on. Others were major flops.

I’m looking at you, Ryan.

I’ve been recapping The Bachelor since 2003. You’d think after eighteen years, I could spot a Chach from a mile away. It turns out my picker is notoriously broken. It turns out, one of my top five was kicked off the show night one, before the rose ceremony.

Like I said, what do I know?

Here’s a look at Michelle’s suitors. Who dorked out on their icebreaker? Who made memorable first impressions? And who doesn’t know that Granny Smith apples are green? It’s all broken down for you below. (Bonus: If you click on the guy’s name, it will take you to his Instagram account!)

Alec
29
Former football player turned engineer
North Charleston, SC
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Well, we’re starting off with a bang because I can’t recall Alec for the life of me. I know for SURE I didn’t put him on my official bracket we have with Last Night’s Game. (PS: CLICK ON THIS LINK AND JOIN THE FUN!) Is Alec really on the show? Or is he a stand-in to check the lighting while one of the guys has to go to the bathroom? Did he sneak in? I’m not sure, but kudos to you, Alec, for bucking the system and landing a rose without any air time.

Brandon J.
26
Traveling Nurse Recruiter
Portland, OR
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Brandon J. is definitely one to watch. Although he looks like he just finished his finals and is headed off to a toga party at the Sigma Chi house, Michelle seems interested when he arrives on a portable bed, complete with trendy black and red buffalo check comforter. She even manages not to roll her eyes when he croons, “This is what it’s like waking up in bed next to me.”

Brandon J. likes to wear all black with his silver cross necklace. It gives him a priest vibe, but Michelle doesn’t mind.

Brandon K.
29
Brand Manager (for SkinnyPop)
Austin, TX
Status: No Rose

Why You Remember Him: Poor Skinny Pop Brandon. His icebreaker was an overwhelming bust due to poor delivery. He arrives with some Mardi Gras beads, and as he holds them out toward Michelle, he tells her she has to do something to earn them. Meanwhile, Michelle grabs the beads and puts them around her neck, trying to be a good sport by playing along.

To anyone who doesn’t know the tradition behind Mardi Gras beads, a woman is gifted with the green, gold, and purple plastic beads you may find at the Dollar Store by flashing her ta-tas. Hence, Brandon’s reference to Michelle having to “earn” her beads. Alas, they are already around her neck. My boy should have stopped there, told her she looked like a million bucks and ducked inside.

Instead, B-Man shares that normally, she should have to show her boobs to get the beads, but he doesn’t use the words. He uses hand gestures as if he’s holding melons in front of his sternum. He then grins and tells Michelle, “You’ll have to show me your heart.”

Michelle quickly hands him back his beads and thanks him for coming. Buh bye Skinny Pop.

Bryan
31
NFL Player
Chicago, IL
Status: No Rose

Why You Remember Him: The only thing I remember about Bryan is that he is a very large man, and he dipped her once during the icebreaker and another time when they were in a one-on-one sesh.

Casey
36
Advertising Creative Director
Miami Beach, FL
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: At first, you wonder when Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell broke up and why would Dax choose The Bachelorette as a vehicle for finding a date? Once you realize this is his doppelganger, you settle into the fact that he looks like he’d rather be taking a nap in a yurt versus standing around in a resort hotel until the rooster crows.

Chris G.
28
Motivational Speaker
Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Karl has made us all warry of motivational speakers, am I right? When he approached Michelle from the limo, spouting off lyrical prose about how she is a rose in a field of daisies, I quit listening. But the poetry jam, beard, and promise of maple syrup were enough to keep him around week one. He’s no hoser.

Chris S.
28
Commodities Broker
West Hollywood, CA
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Chris S. wore navy shorts, a matching blazer, and a smart-looking backpack like he’s Prince George on his first day of Wellington School for Well Behaved Boys. Thank goodness he got his eyebrows done before the show. Otherwise, we would have never known like normal people. He’s super goofy and likes that Michelle wears her heart on her shoulder. Like the little bluebird who helps her get dressed every morning with the other woodland creatures.

Wearing your heart on your sleeve is so 1998.

Clayton
28
Medical Sales Rep
Columbia, MO
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: We all like him and will continue to like him. Even though ABC has yet to declare Clayton as their next Bachelor, every other major media outlet has let the cat out o the bag. You can bet Clayton will get a squeaky clean edit, which made his “spank me if I’m bad” icebreaker that much more scandalous.

Question: Does anyone have a yardstick in their possession besides my mother? I’m confident my mother procured hers as a grand opening gift from TG&Y in 1978. Why wouldn’t Clayton have used a ruler? These are the things that keep me up at night.

Daniel
26
Firefighter
Austin, TX
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Sweet Baby Daniel rolls up (literally) on a child’s toy firetruck and plastic helmet. Oddly enough, he’s dressed head-to-toe in his normal fire gear everywhere else. Michelle is charmed and finds his whimsical entry cute. Then PJ pulls up in an actual firetruck, and Daniel is demoted to the kid’s table at Thanksgiving.

Edward
27
Wellness Coach
Los Angeles, CA
Status: No Rose

Why You Remember Him: Bless. Edward busts out a Tibetian bowl to help Michelle breathe through her nerves. As someone who has that option on a White Noise app, I can confidently say that the Tibetian bowl is neither relaxing nor calming. Think of it as a doorbell or gong ring that never stops. Perhaps he would have had better luck had he chosen the hairdryer or cat purring sounds.

Garrett
33
Tech CEO (Dark Energy and Dark Energy Corporate)
Salt Lake City, UT
Status: No Rose

Why You Remember Him: Ah, yes. Garrett the bazillionaire. He waltzes up using a rich man’s cane as most rich people do. But then we learn he had an actual accident where he broke his foot. I imagine he was doing something fabulous when his ankle gave out on him. Running with the bulls in Pamplona? A swipe to the leg with a mallet at the Polo Club? Tripping on the golden walkway of his shore house while wearing his diamond shoes? The possibilities are endless.

Jack
30
Former Army Officer
Philadelphia, PA
Status: No Rose

Why You Remember Him: You can tell that Jack was going for a 007 James Bond look in his white tuxedo jacket. He looked more like maitre d’ at the fanciest steak house in your city or Carson prepping the downstairs for the queen’s arrival at Downtown.

Bless his heart. His mama named him Jack Russell. And just like the dog, “I’m loyal, attentive, and want to play tug-of-war with your heart.”

Oh, Jack. Maybe next time, offer her a dry martini — shaken, not stirred.

Jamie
32
Biotech CEO
San Diego, CA
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Okay, Michelle likes this guy from the minute he tells her that her dress was “just fabric until you brought it to life.” I’ll admit, that was a smooth line, but I can’t put my finger on what bothers me about Jamie. Is he for real? Meaning, is he really 32-years-old? Does he smile all the time? Do we trust him? Time will tell.

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Joe
28
Real Estate Developer
Minneapolis, MN
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Joe — Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

I don’t know how I feel about this union. It couldn’t be more perfect on paper. They are the same age, from the same town, and both love basketball. It sounds like a match made in heaven, right?

Joe is happy to meet Michelle, but our girl zeros in on this handsome man’s face and repeatedly asks, “Have I met you before? You look familiar.” Joe tries to be coy until Michelle blurts out as he’s walking away, “Is your last name Coleman?”

Why yes, it is. It seems MICHELLE slid into Joe’s DMs once upon a time, had a few exchanges, and then experienced the punch in the gut known as ghosting. And now homeboy is all of a sudden back on the scene? Do I smell a rat? Or is that Peter’s defermenting pizza dough on the hot sidewalk?

Michelle finds Joe inside and requests a private audience with the potential Chach. When she asked him why he was MIA, he blamed the summer of 2020 chaos we all experienced. Between Covid and George Floyd and murder hornets, Joe did not find himself in a place where he should be talking with anyone. But he’s since been to therapy and is working on his communication skills.

Michelle handles herself beautifully but does make Joe sweat at the rose ceremony. He receives the final bud and a stern look from Ms. Young, warning him to be a little bit more forthcoming with his emotions.

I think this guy is going to go far. I also wonder if he’s going to screw it up.

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JoMarri
26
Personal Trainer
Fresno, CA
Status: No Rose

Why You Remember Him: JoMarri waltzed up to Michelle and proceeded to take off his own sleeves as if he was in a wrestling ring, ready to piledrive someone’s head. Let me say that the gun show was impressive, but not enough to keep him around.

Leroy
27
Biomedical Ph.D Student
Dallas, TX
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Leroy’s time with Michelle was quick. If you looked down at your phone to check Instagram or play a quick round of Word Cookies, you might have missed it. He takes a selfie with our bachelorette and later gives her the Polaroid with it labeled “Wifey.”

Otherwise, Leroy is just a blip on the radar. A blip with a rose.

LT
38
Yoga Guru
Bellevue, WA
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: For some reason, LT thinks we all would like to see, his kibbles and bits displayed proudly in a Speedo that resembles a tuxedo. Newsflash, LT, we do not. However, it was a ballsy move that paid off in the end.

Martin
29
Personal Trainer
Miami, FL
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: You remember Martin’s AWFUL hair and wonder why someone in his life didn’t intervene before he came on national television looking like he’s slowly freezing from the head down. His ability to do a backflip is nice, but everyone has a stupid human trick. I expect Martin to step it up because he is in my top five!

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Mollique
36
Academic Administrator
San Diego, CA
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: [crickets chirping]

Nayte
27
Sales Executive (Indeed)
Austin, TX
Status: First Impression Rose

Why You Remember Him: Nayte is currently the one to beat. He’s as tall as a church steeple and did a great job opening up to Michelle, showing his vulnerable side. He will go far for sure.

Olumide
27
IT Analyst
Newark, NJ
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: I’m not sure this person is an actual contestant. Anyone?

Pardeep
30
Neuroscientist
Brooklyn, NY
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Pardeep had a collective fifteen seconds of air time, yet somehow, he endeared himself to me. Team Pardeep.

Peter
26
Pizzapreneur 
Port St. Joe, FL
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Uuuuggggghhhhhhh. May I present to you our resident Jack Wagon of the season. Peter makes me want to punch things. Even though he almost wins my heart with homemade cannolis, I can already tell he’s going to be annoying. I don’t care how sparkly his eyes shine in the sunlight. He’s a Chach.

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PJ
30
Firefighter
Houston, TX
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: PJ arrives on an actual firetruck because Houston people roll like that. By the looks of that mustache and layered gold necklaces, I half expected him to start stripping the clothes from his fireman persona, but I can confirm that PJ is an actual firefighter.

Rick
32
Medical Sales Rep
Los Angeles, CA
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Rick arrives with his head on a bed of lettuce under a food dome. It’s something people do during Halloween to scare other people. But this is The Bachelorette, which means home slice here has to remain with his head on a platter for most of the episode. Don’t worry. Rick is fine with this horrendous arrangement. He’s zany. He’s wacky. He wants Michelle to always have fun with him.

I’m calling it right now, ladies and gentlemen. Something is off with Rick. I get a feeling, and it’s not a good one. He’s a little too slick and a little too cocky. I don’t trust him and would guess that he may be the “actor” in our midst.

Rodney
29
Sales Rep
Rancho Cucamonga, CA
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Rodney is my boy. He makes me jolly. He executed a questionable schtick with ease. Wear a shirt with a big red apple on it? Sure! Call yourself the apple of the teacher’s eye? Brilliant.

However, he did say he was a Granny Smith apple, and as Michelle pointed out, those are green. I blame nerves. Or maybe he’s a mango man. I don’t know. What I do know is that he’s in my top five.

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Romeo
32
Mathematician
New York City, NY
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Romeo spoke French to Michelle, hoping that she would be his Juliet and things wouldn’t end in tragedy. Wouldn’t that be awful if the biotech CEO Jamie poisoned him or the Crossfit guy challenged him to a duel?

Do you think Michelle just sits around with a calculator, asking Romeo to add, multiply, and divide large numbers in his head to see if he gets it right? Isn’t that what a mathematician does?

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Ryan
30
Environmental Consultant
San Jose, CA
Status: Kicked Off

Why You Remember Him: Come, on Ryan. I had high hopes for you, and you turned out to be such a disappointment. What a knob.

Ryan woos Michelle easily by showing up in an ice cream truck and later offering her whatever she wants from his cooler. Naturally, Michelle is a smitten kitten. She starts to imagine what Ryan will look like standing at the end of a church aisle. As her smile grows even bigger, Tayshia and Kaitlyn let her in on a little secret. They snooped through the guys’ rooms the day before and found something disturbing in Ryan’s abode.

Homeboy has a folder with misspelled BACHLORETTE on the outside, complete with facts, trivia, and stats on how to get far in this game. Ryan claims it’s “homework” because he’s never been on the show before. In his opinion, he wisely asked counsel from women who do watch the show to provide him much needed background.

Unfortunately, that information included how to garner screentime, how not to be tagged a villain, and who to emulate from former seasons to gain as much exposure as possible.

Michelle will have none of it, thankyouverymuch. She sends him home midway through the cocktail party with his tail between his legs and his hands full of yellow highlighted spreadsheets.

Spencer
25
Financial Crimes Analyst
Cleveland, OH
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: Spencer brought two basketballs from the limo, and he knew how to use them. The end.

Will
28
Academic Interventionist
Grand Rapids, MI
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him: I can’t tell if I like Will because his turtleneck, gold chains, and hair gel are distracting.

What did you think of Michelle’s suitors? Who are your front runners? Am I right to pick Joe and Nayte at this point? Is Ricky shifty? And was Ryan a plant? Sound off in the comments section!