Bachelorette Michelle Recap: The Real MVP
Bachelorette Michelle Recap | Week 2
Let’s get one thing straight: I like Michelle. I do. And I don’t appreciate it when stupid boys make her cry. We can’t have one of my favorite bachelorettes of all time dissolve into a puddle of confusing tears multiple times in one episode, for heaven’s sake. I feel this maternal urge to protect her at all costs, and there are way too many jack wagons making my blood pressure boil.
It’s week two. At this rate, I’ll be popping pills to make it through hometowns. I’ll have to start cocktails an hour before the show. Someone will have to take my phone away, so I don’t send nasty DMs to dumb-dumbs who hurt my girl’s feelings.
The good news is that Michelle is a mature woman who can handle her own. She doesn’t need my help or ninja skills to fight her battles. She’s the bachelorette, by golly, and has the power to shut men down with one freshly plucked red rosebud.
She also has a small battalion of fifth-graders at her disposal to separate the men from the boys.
FIRST GROUP DATE
That’s right, three ten-year-old thespians are given full permission to openly mock any of the suitors who do not know fifth-grade mathematics. Bonus heckling will ensue if the guys don’t know how to spell or follow directions during chemistry class.
According to Michelle, you can learn a lot by watching how grown men behave in a classroom while being pressured to perform academically by little people screaming, “WRONG,” at the top of their lungs. Does this make the small vein in their forehead pop? Do they know how to multiply? Are they cheaters, sneaking peeks at their neighbor’s work?
Oddly enough, Pizza Peter feels like he is slaying the game, even though he incorrectly solves his math problem, and fails in his attempt to make the contents of his beaker explode in a volcanic display of success. However, things turn sour when Michelle asks the boys to spell the word “narcissist,” and Will writes down Peter’s name.
Oh no, he didn’t.
Pizza Peter is disappointed by this dude’s blatant disrespect. How could he be such a bully in front of Michelle? Peter concludes that Will must have been desperate since Michelle was overtly smitten with the pizzapreneur.
Spoiler: Michelle was not smitten. Neither were the children. In fact, the little girl Mia straight up rolled her eyes when Peter pushed, kicked, and shoved his way into almost winning a rumpus game of musical chairs. To quote Casey, “Peter is a lot.”
Michelle arrives at the cocktail party wearing a short electric blue-colored dress with a plunging neckline. She immediately steals Brandon away to have an intervention with him regarding his lack of spelling skills. Brandon is able to turn that ribbing into a promise that he will always give his best when it comes to time with Michelle.
Then he stares creepily into her soul, and she calls him out on it. Brandon claims that he’s trying to remember every single part of her features so that when he dreams about her…
Michelle interrupts him by laughing her face off, claiming the pick-up line was TERRIBLE. Amen, sister. Brandon is not deterred. He’s an old soul! This is how he speaks! Michelle laughs, demanding to see the “How To Get Girls” article he obviously read before coming on the show.
Brandon shuts her up by kissing Michelle passionately. Sparks fly.
Rick is up next, and he charms the pants off of Michelle by asking her to help him with his “homework.” He has created a PG-rated Mad Lib game for her to fill with adjectives, verbs, nouns, and words that end in “LY.” The last line reads, “At the end of the night, they share a ______________ kiss.”
Smooth. Most people would have made the blank represent the word “kiss.” But that could have caused all sorts of funny scenarios. They could have shared a meal. A high five. A sideways hug.
Instead, Rick dictates that a kiss will indeed take place. He allows Michelle to navigate what type of kiss. Passionate? Quick? Mind-blowing? Does a hyphenated word count as one word in Mad Libs?
Michelle chooses the word “beautiful,” and Rick leans in for what turns into a mediocre kiss, followed by several pecks in a row. It was lackluster at best, but I’ll give him KUDOS for the road that led him to this moment.
During Michelle’s time with Oludime, we hear bickering in the background. Oludime handles himself with aplomb, but it’s evident Michelle is concerned by the immature shouting that slowly increases in decibels with every passing moment. She wonders why Peter is so upset and must get to the bottom of this squabble in the courtyard.
I should point out that Michelle knows, without seeing a face, that the guilty party is Peter. His thick New Jersey accent, and persistent use of the word “bro” in every rebuttal, give him away easily.
She pulls Peter aside, asking him to explain his aggressive behavior. He tattles on Will, blaming his inappropriate and disgusting behavior, calling him out for suggesting he’s a narcissist “in front of small children.” Michelle gives him a warning about his screaming and encourages him to go center himself. She was five seconds away from putting him in a timeout.
Then she gives the date rose to Brandon for his “authenticity.”
Tongues wag as Michelle picks Jamie up in hot pink Spandex. I’m talking sports bra and biker shorts. There’s no need for any covering because this is Michelle’s body, and cellulite doesn’t live there.
They hop into a Jeep and drive out to Joshua Tree for some serious rock climbing. When Michelle scales the huge formation first, she finds it “refreshing” that Jamie coaches her from below, hollering suggestions for hand and feet placement. She’s typically the “coach” in relationships, and it’s nice to have that role reversed.
After some uncomfortable huffing and puffing, hours later, they reach the top and are too tired and sore even to enjoy the view, let alone the picnic that the poor ABC Intern had to schlep up hours before the couple arrived for their date.
There’s much more conversation and information divulged at dinner. They’ve had time to nurse their wounds in ice baths and deep tissue massages, so vulnerability is bursting at the rim.
Michelle delicately weeps as Jamie shares details of his life, including a mother with mental health issues, who eventually took her own life. As his life imploded around him, Jamie eventually learned that life is worth living. Relationships are worth it. People are worth it.
Michelle cannot form words at first but eventually tells Jamie how proud she is that he’s come through the other side with a positive attitude and vivacious spirit. She is beyond impressed, so she gives him the date rose. Michelle deems that life with Jamie would be a romantic adventure, and she can’t wait to kiss and sway to the vocal stylings of someone named Caroline Jones, who, according to Wikipedia, is known for her “duet with Jimmy Buffett.”
SECOND GROUP DATE
A second Spanx outfit debuts on the basketball court. This time, she’s in a black and white ensemble that makes me literally lay down on the floor to do some crunches. I completed ten before giving up. Baby steps.
WNBA basketball players Dearica Hamby and Diamond DeShields lead the guys through some basketball drills, and we witness the adage that “white men can’t jump” in real-time. Joe, however, quickly proves why he was named Minnesota’s Mr. Basketball in 2011. He hits almost every shot.
And when he and Michelle perform a little one-on-one in front of the other men, one can’t help but wonder if Michelle will pull a Clare and just leave with Joe. The heat and chemistry were palpable. Everyone saw it. Everyone felt it.
Unfortunately, Joe’s killer talent didn’t lead his team to a victory. Assuming that any team with Joe on it was at an advantage, his other teammates had barely held a basketball before, let alone shot one toward a hoop. Even the obvious strategy of “GIVE THE BALL TO JOE” didn’t end with higher points on the scoreboard.
The losers are sent back to the resort, while the winners celebrate with a victory party! Hooray!
Hold on, everyone. Before we bust out the champagne, Michelle would like to give an MVP award. And guess who won the honor? That’s right. Joe is deemed worthy of joining the other five guys at the victory party.
There are no rules in Bachelorette, people. Everyone calm down.
Michelle pulls Joe away at the party, and they bond over the fact that Joe received a call that his former basketball coach had passed away. Michelle cries with him, knowing that coaches are a big part of an athlete’s life. She cheers him up by ditching her stilettos so they can play a round of hoops in the driveway.
This is the point when I realize that the ABC Intern has to be in charge of a mobile basketball goal. I guess he just rolls it everywhere in case Michelle needs to blow off some steam.
The other guys (Martin, Spencer, Nayte, Rodney, and Canadian Chris) all wonder why it’s taking Michelle so long? Shouldn’t she spend more time with the winners of the challenge instead of the one guy she broke the rules for to attend the party?
Nayte is the only one who doesn’t care. He feels confident in his relationship with Michelle. And by the looks of that intense kiss against a pillar, I’d say he’s on to something.
His feelings change slightly when Michelle gives Joe the date rose for being open and vulnerable.
It’s becoming a problem now. Joe officially has a target on his back. Jamie feels like he’s getting special treatment, but the others don’t see it that way. Who cares? Jamie wonders out loud if Michelle is here for the right reasons.
That’s when I start to question Jamie’s intentions. But he opened up in a very big way, so I let it slide until he told Martin something “he remembered.”
Apparently, Jamie’s friend walked into a bar as Michelle was walking out. Jamie’s friend’s girlfriend pointed out that she had just seen Michelle. Jamie’s friend was excited to hear this news because “his boy” (Jamie) would be on that show. The girls scoffed, claiming that Michelle was “already boo’d up with a tall, light-skinned baller.”
Martin looks at Jamie like he’s grown a horn out of his forehead. Is he just remembering this now? And Jamie thinks this guy is allegedly Joe? Jamie thinks this is something important that he wants to address, so he locates Michelle and breaks the news to her.
Except he pitches the rumor that “the house feels that you may have known Joe before,” quickly adding the disclaimer that he personally doesn’t care if that is true.
Michelle smells something burning. It’s Jamie’s pants. They are on fire.
Jamie further explains that the house is questioning her authenticity and that the rumor is “taking on a life of its own.” Then he shares the rumor about his friend whose girlfriend said she’s boo’d up with a tall, light-skinned baller.”
Michelle responds with muted tears. She doesn’t know who she can believe. Now she feels the walls coming up, and there’s a desire to protect her heart. But she straightens her spine and faces the men anyway.
No, she hadn’t met anyone on the show before coming to Palm Springs. Everyone started on equal ground. When she does admit that Joe ghosted her a few years ago, he nearly chokes on his cocktail while a dozen other eyebrows raise in protest.
Then she addresses her alleged boo and rips the entire group a new one. Maybe she did have dinner with someone tall and light-skinned, but that doesn’t mean she was dating that person. She’s frustrated that anyone would believe such nonsense.
When she opens the floor for questions, Michelle is annoyed that no one asks her anything. So she excuses herself and leaves the guys to puzzle through what just happened because half of them have no idea what’s going on.
Granny Apple wants someone to own up to what just happened. Evidently, someone told Michelle that the entire house was against her, and he didn’t appreciate it. He had no idea Joe was even a thing! What gives?
Jamie sits there making facial expressions, never once considering owning up to the fact that he messed everything up. But, of course, now, half the guys don’t get to talk to Michelle because she cancels the cocktail party. She’s too emotional and disappointed to have one.
Remember, it’s week two. WEEK TWO, and we’re already canceling cocktail parties!
Four men get the boot that night. Daniel the toy firefighter, Pardeep, Alec (who?), and PJ the real firefighter.
How long will it be before Jamie is exposed? Do you think Peter and Will are ever going to get in a fistfight? Or will they just bro each other to death? Will Rodney ever learn how a Granny Smith apple looks and tastes? Sound off in the comments section!
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