Guten tag, readers. It’s week five and you know what that means? ABC foots the bill for the entire show to fly somewhere overseas because “Fill In The Blank Country” is totally the best place to go when you’re on a journey to find true love. Here’s hoping Desiree can narrow down her search for finding Mr. Right in Munich. Of course, she’ll have to maneuver several stereotypical German scenarios in order to weed out the men who are not here for the right reasons. Let’s get this show on the road, shall we?

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life and devastating death of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Naturally, #Kasey knows German. What sounded like an elegant clearing of one’s throat ended up being a few sentences he cobbled together for a little face time with the camera. ABC was nice enough to provide subtitles at the bottom of our screen that read something about “true love” and “amazing journey.” I’m quite sure it was all fake and #Kasey was totally hashtagging in German. #passtheschnitzel

Chris flicks the perfect amount of pomade in his hair as he prepares for the one-on-one date with Des. They plan on exploring the city like silly tourists, beginning their quest by taking a picture of a dude dressed as a pasty Pinocchio. Then they visit a butcher shop and point to a link behind the window that they’d like to sample. Chris eats one side and Des munches on the other. Think Lady & the Tramp.

Just exchange the spaghetti string with a more phallic food item. #sorryMama

The pair makes their way to a local shop where they try on Oktoberfest regalia. I’m sure Chris will never live down the fact that he has both worn high heel shoes and rocked a pair of lederhosen in one season, but he’s willing to take the licks and will probably write a poem about the experience in his journal.

Meanwhile, Soldier Boy Brayden has officially cracked under the pressure. He shares with James that he will NEVER conform to the jewel tone hoodie fashion. He confesses that his feelings for Des have no advanced, therefore he should just go home. Like right now. He dismisses the complimentary L.L. Bean fur-lined cold weather jacket that was in his German swag bag and opts for facing the bitter cold in nothing but his thermal Henley. The cameras follow him throughout the enchanting cobble stone streets of Munich as he plays modest games of charades with the locals, trying to convey through elementary sign language that he is looking for a man and a woman with cameras following them around.

I had two thoughts during this entire exchange.

1. Does the camera man following Bryden around not have access to a cell phone so he can call the camera man following the bachelorette around?
2. Why didn’t he run through the streets shouting her name like Sean did when he was “looking” for Emily in Prague?
3. Ah Prague. That’s where THIS happened. (1:21 mark) #bestillmyheart

Go ahead. Watch it again. I’ll wait.

As Chris and Des arrive in the town square to awkwardly polka dance in front of confused towns folk, we spy a creepily acting Bryden among the crowd. He waits for the last breath of the oompah chord to play from the band’s brass section before rushing over to Des, to steal her away and tell her that he’s no longer in it to win it and will be leaving the show. She basically says, “sure thing,” waves goodbye and makes the long trek back to Chris where they celebrate at the ratskeller with an enormous stein of beer that a regular sized person would need to hold with two hands. Auf wiedersehen, Bryden. Hello, morning hangover.

That night, Chris and Des walk down a red carpet that leads to a fancy ballroom. She is in a pretty pink sparkly number that is one of my favorite fancy outfits that she has worn all season. They talk about relationships for a bit before Chris pulls out the dream journal and recites yet another poem which makes her cry. She gives him the date rose, the lights lower and she claims that she has a surprise for him.

I prayed it was David Hasselhoff. I hear he’s big in Germany.

Not so much. It was a guy named Matt White who was playing the piano. It’s week five and we’ve had FIVE musical guests. I’m convinced not only do Fleiss and Our Host Chris Harrison have a new dating app venture (CLICK HERE), but they must have a music label too. It’s only logical. #HootieForever

Back at the penthouse, #Kasey has just announced that he, Juan Pablo, James, Shirtless Zak, Brooks, Babyface Drew and Mikey T are the magnificent seven who will be joining Des on a group date. Poor Ben and the Federal Prosecutor are stuck together on the two-on-two date. Everyone awkwardly pulls at the strings of their jewel toned hoodies at how unfortunate this highly unlikely situation and marvel that the odds were not in their favor. Then the Federal Prosecutor vows to convict Ben of fraud and, oh PS, he’s going to murder him.

This video clip was officially flagged and put into a special folder in the basement of the New York Bar Association.

The seven and Des arrive on the side of a mountain wearing their matching L.L. Beans and super cool Ray-Bans. They squish into a gondola and Des quickly instructs everyone to “hold on to something.” James wisely quips, “Here. You can hold on to me.” #barf #wellplayed

The sardines OMG way too much for my taste and force me to fast forward until I see a little old man in Chris’ exact same lederhosen. #riiiiiiiiiiiiiicola

After a quick yodeling lesson, ABC sends the group down a steep mountain on sleds. Ironically, there are no lessons on how to steer or stop these death traps and the next 10 minutes feature our bachelors careening off into the wild blue yonder. One with a camera strapped to his sled even manages to slam right into Des. He thinks she’s so cool because she didn’t cry. Dude. I think her tear ducts are frozen. She’s totally bleeding internally.

They play around in the snow, making angels and tackling each other. Shirtless Zak thinks this entire date is a metaphor for relationships. I would tell you what nonsense they made him recite from memory, but I was too distracted by the fact that his teeth matched the snow.

Later, Des takes them to a partially underground basement made entirely of snow and ice. The ABC Intern took great pride in decorating all the ice rooms with fluffy throw pillows, furry blankets and turquoise colored champagne glasses. Then he lit candles. IN THE ICE HOUSE. #snowhousepartyfoul

I developed a weird case of anxiety just waiting for the dwelling to cave in on itself. It didn’t. But things did get hot when Des attacked Brooks in the makeshift snow bedroom. And then she did the same thing later with James. Brooks scored the date rose though. They are definitely front runners.

Mikey T. took Des outside to lounge on the side of the mountain and suggested they make snow men which seemed to be the coolest idea in the history of ideas to Des. Things were going well until Shirtless Zak started creeping in the back (a definite theme of last night’s episode). Then he started yodeling. Mikey T. gave up when Des began yodeling back. I wish it had been as funny as this, but it fell a little flat.

Shirtless Zak is no Jimmy Fallon.

He pulled her up onto a cumbersome rock and thanked her for bringing him back to Germany where once upon a time ten years ago, he decided NOT to become a priest. After digesting that sentence, I decided it’s because he knew his affinity for going shirtless and pantless would more than likely be frowned upon. It’s just a guess.

ONE DATE, ONE ROSE
ONE STAYS, ONE GOES
The Federal Prosecutor promises the other guys that he will NOT allow another moment go by without exposing Ben for impersonating a southern gentleman. Ben responds by wearing the tightest jeans that I’m convinced were jeggings because there is no way a man could shimmy into those without some sort of elastic stretch. The Fed begins knocking back the whiskey in the limo as Ben wipes the sweat from his brow. I was hiding behind a couch cushion.

Des is hiding behind one of those floppy crochet berets. She plops them both down on a bench and insists they share a thermos of chicken broth. Both suitors begin one-upping each other, trying to win the Machismo of the Year award. Just as I’m about to have another anxiety attack due to the tension in my television, Des decides to “break the ice” by going on a Polar plunge. She dresses her boys in ice blue bathrobes. The Prosecutor has channeled his inner Rambo by tying the sash around his forehead, allowing the robe to open and flow freely exposing his freshly waxed chest. He’s metaphorically (and metrosexually) ready for battle. #chachalert

Just as they are about to disrobe, Des yells, “DU HAST” which is “GOTCHA” in German. I totally Googled that. Extra points for me for going the extra mile on this whole German thing, huh?

Instead of jumping into the freezing cold water, Des gingerly sinks into a hot tug. Yes. That is a real thing. No, I’m not being gross.

Apparently, you can fashion a hot tub into a motorized boat and float around in the freezing cold with two people who loathe each other. SIGN ME UP! The Federal Prosecutor is determined to throw Ben under the hot tug. And he does so multiple times during the date. He calls him out for not communicating with his son and all Des can do is sip her hot broth and beg with her eyes that the camera man in the tethered hot tug will call it a day. Not to mention the fact that the bubbling hot tug sounds like a chorus of farts. Say I’m wrong. #SorryMama It was the opposite of romantic and now I have hives because I’m so uncomfortable.

At dinner, the layers of awkwardness continued to build on one another when Ben showed up in almost the exact same outfit as the Fed. Pink shirts, grey sweaters, grey slacks and looks of disgust. Upon the first clink of the feeble toast, The Prosecutor straight up asks Ben why he doesn’t get along with anyone else in the house? Des downs a few glasses of wine as Ben chooses his words as wisely as he can.

Des calls and audible and asks the boys what family traditions they want to have when they are married. Ben goes first and says that he wants Sunday to be a family day. The Fed responds with a harsh, “What about Easter? Why didn’t you go to church with the group? Did you even call your son on Easter?”

Des shoots an entire flute of champagne.
My armpits begin sweating and my butt clenches.
The Federal Prosecutor simultaneously maintains his gaze while eating with his mouth open.
Ben refrains from punching him in the face.

I considered the moment victorious for all of us.

I can understand The Fed’s “feelings” for Des and his desire to let her know that Ben is “not here for the right reasons,” but to constantly bring up his questionable character and love of his son first on the bench, then in the hot tug, later at dinner and again in private was a bit much. Ben ends up taking a walk and Des tells the Fed that he was completely uncool. Then she rewarded his horrible behavior by giving him the date rose.

Ben wanders all through the castle, trying to find that darn rejection limo. He finally crawls in, asking the ABC Psychologist, “Do you want me to sit here an look unhappy? Because I’m not.”

He suggests that they all go get drunk somewhere and then inquires how long he has to show up in public alone before he can start dating again.

She should have sent them BOTH home. #stayclassyBen

ROSE CEREMONY
Speaking of classy, Our Host Chris Harrison is waiting for Des as she pulls up in front of the castle for the rose ceremony. He lets her out of the car. He’s like her own personal Mr. Carson. I loved it.

They have their mentoring time in front of the Pier One Bureau of Photos. Des is wearing an over-the-shoulder number that is covered by a long, black wool coat the entire ceremony. German castles are frigid people! Harrison knows that he’s about to lose the majority of the audience because he has been instructed to recap the last hour. Instead, he asks her who is the best kisser? Answer? Brooks. She also admits that Shirtless Zak has a talented tongue. Interesting.

Back in the drawing room, Drew and #Kasey are preparing for the coup of the season. They think that something is up with James, and it has nothing to do with the infinity scarf he sported the majority of the trip, or the random rubbing of Mikey T.’s face and shoulders. Earlier in the episode, they overheard a conversation that had something to do with him being the king of Chicago, how he knows a ton of beautiful rich women and how he is vying to be the next bachelor. Drew calls a meeting of the cool kids (Juan Pablo, Brooks Chris) and lets them know that he will be sharing this new found knowledge with Des at the next rose ceremony cocktail party. Drew lets his emotions fly and almost unbuttons the top button under his tie because he is so upset with all of this tomfoolery.

Calm down Ponyboy. You’ll get your chance.

Just kidding! Des decided there wouldn’t be a party because she knows that it’s time for Mikey to hit the road. Not to mention that she’s both overtired and cold. Night, night Des!

Ponyboy doesn’t have the kugels (Google it) to talk to Des now, so James stays for one another week, while Mikey T. and his gingham shirts wait for him back in Chi Town. The limo takes him to the same bar as Ben. They bond over their lack of roses.

What do y’all think? Should Ben have stayed? Should the Fed have gone home? Were you surprised at Bryden’s exit? Will we ever have a chance to witness the wonder that is Juan Pablo? Sound off in the comments! Danke!

All about the fame, not the shame,
Lincee