The Bachelorette Recap: Season 13, Episode 3

The phrase “I like Rachel,” and “This is going to be such a good season,” was proclaimed on more than one ocassion last night. Our bachelorette proves time and time again that she’s taking the process seriously and she has no problem dismissing riffraff from her lineup. Rachel is going to have fun, but she’s also going to find a husband in the process. If you’re not here for the right reasons (right reasons), she will have no problem showing you to the door.

In some cases, she will have no problem showing you the door…again.

That’s right. DeMario is back and he’s requested a private audience with Rachel. Flanked by Harrison and that dude Pauly who wears black and schleps the loser’s suitcase after one-on-one dates, Rachel marches into the courtyard to give DeMario the chance to redeem himself since he played the total jack wagon role on national television the night before.

DeMario respects the imaginary line Our Host Chris Harrison drew in the concrete. He stands at attention as Rachel saunters up in her slinky dress with a black, furry shrug made from a Muppet villain. She shakes DeMario’s hand and waits while he pleads his case using terminology like “I didn’t keep it 100,” and “I was caught off guard,” and “I want to be able to move forward tonight.” His big finish is a favorite quote:

“In order to experience joy, you have to experience pain. I’m begging you. Give me a chance.”

He goes on to explain that “his driver” (read: the Uber guy) told him to not take no for an answer. DeMario looks at Rachel expectantly. The men gather in the driveway with Harrison, blatantly eavesdropping. Like the rest of us, they assume Mike Fleiss has negotiated a way for Rachel to be cool with DeMario returning into the fold. That’s traditionally how things are handled, right?

Welcome to Rachel’s season!

Our girl confidently explains to DeMario that he is a boy and she’s looking for a man. Although she appreciates his newfound freedom to move forward in a spirt of joy gathered from pain, Rachel makes it very clear that he will not be moving forward into the mansion. She will not have him waste any more of her time, or the MEN waiting for her fifty feet away.

LAWYERED.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who obsessed with Poldark and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Back in the mansion, Rachel relaxes into the familiar routine of hot men vying for her attention. Tickle Monster tries to make his move using huge, puppet-like hands. He strokes her arm, pats her head, and watches as the creepy fingers try to twirl Rachel’s hair. It’s enough to make Adam Jr. jealous, for sure. Alex has a conversation while solving a Rubik’s cube. Kenny shows her pictures of his daughter. Will dunks a basketball into a child’s goal and celebrates his victory with a quick kiss.

And them there’s Whaaaboom. During his alone time with the bachelorette, he tattles on the drummer boy Blake for eating a banana while standing over his bed when Whaaaboom was sleeping. Rachel does what any normal person would do in this situation. She confronts the Drummer Boy, willing this scenario to be a figment of Whaaaboom’s active imagination.

Blake claims the accusations are false. He could have come up with a thousand reasons why this story was fabricated, but the one he chooses to go with this:

“That’s untrue. I don’t eat carbs. I’m on a ketogenic diet.”

B-L-E-S-S.

ROSE CEREMONY
Dean
Peter
Josiah
Bryan
Wolverine Firefighter
Eric
Mr. Clean Anthony
Will
Tickle Monster
Jack Stone
Penguin
Alex
Adam
Kenny
Male Model Brady
Lee
Iggy
Freddy P.
Diggy
Adam Jr.

We all knew Jamey was a goner. Remember how he sat so far away from Rachel on the couch last week? But kudos to our girl for kicking both Whaaaboom and Drummer Boy Blake to the curb. It’s a shame they both resorted to such juvenile lengths during their exit interviews. I bet Blake is re-thinking his decision to reenact Whaaaboom’s whaaaboom on camera. Additionally, that “waka waka / fart noise” bit will forever haunt him on YouTube.

Ten bucks says Whaaaboom shows up on the last day in Paradise.

FIRST GROUP DATE
Bryan
Tickle Monster
Peter
Alex
Will
Freddy P.

For the first time in the history of the show, the contestants are invited to the Ellen Show so the host can help Rachel weed out some of the more unfortunate suitors. Rachel wears a teeny tiny dress, complete with cold shoulders to the set. For some reason, Alex chooses to wear splatter painted hammer pants and Peter bundles up in an oatmeal-colored old man sweater.

Get your head in the game, Peter. You are in a silver fox category like the Trivago guy. OWN IT.

Ellen immediately has problems with Tickle Monster for the sole fact that he tickled Rachel during his icebreaker. I stand firmly in that camp with Ellen.

Naturally, Ellen makes all the guys peel off their top layers so they can Magic Mike the women in the audience. Will, Alex, and Bryan hump anything that is breathing, including a darling grandmother in the front row. I still have a crease on my cheek from pressing the couch cushion into my face to make it stop.

It never stopped. The unfortunate moment drags on forever. Once when I peeked, I saw Tickle Monster’s creamy white back. Another time I saw Bryan’s heavenly abs. Sadly, I also witness Alex double timing his pelvic thrust as a complete stranger shoves singles in his underwear.

I guess the fact that Alex was wearing underwear was a silver lining.

At the end of the segment, Ellen plays “I Have Never” with the six guys. We learn that Alex and Peter have never thought about having relations with Rachel. This means they are both gentlemen liars. We also learn that Alex peed in the pool at the mansion, as well as took a nude selfie. Don’t worry. It was classy.

Freddy admits to hooking up with someone twice his age (surprise) and also admits that he knew Rachel going into the show. This revelation seems to make some of the other men uncomfortable. That emotion is turned on Freddy when he discovers that three of the men surrounding him had already made out with Rachel. He vows that he will bite the bullet and makes his childhood dream come true.

He makes his move at the cocktail party. Instead of going in for the kill, Freddy P. decides to monologue his feelings:

Freddy: “There are so many guys ahead of me right now.”
Rachel: “Huh?”
Lincee: “Oh dear.”

Freddy: “The first kiss means a lot.”
Rachel: “Huh?”
Lincee: “Nooooooooooooo…”

Freddy: “I’ve been waiting to kiss you for a few decades.”
Rachel: “Okay…”
Lincee: “Can the ABC Intern fetch Kenny or Bryan or Peter to show Freddy P. how this is done, please?”

Freddy: “I don’t know when the time will be right.”
Rachel: “Mmm hmm.”
Lincee: “I think it was in 1999.”

Freddy: “So I’m going to ask you if I can kiss you because I want you to be comfortable.”
Rachel: “Well don’t do it now, because I feel awkward. No one has ever asked me before.”
Lincee: [Insert praise hands emoji here.]

Of course Freddy P. decides this is the perfect time to go in for the big kiss. The one he’s been waiting for since he was a young whipper snapper at Camp Rock. Rachel is wearing a black jumper with a cold diaphragm and pink, shimmery lipstick. Clearly the stars have aligned.

During his interview, Freddy P. describes the kiss with his “future wife” using an interjection closely related to the whaaaboom phrase we’ve all come to hate.

Great. It’s contagious.

Rachel takes the rose and invites Freddy P. to join her in an adjacent room away from the other fellas. She tells him that she can’t reciprocate his feelings because when he makes out with her, it’s like she’s kissing that little camp kid. Rachel is all about keeping it 100. If that means rejecting her future husband, then so be it. She waves good-bye with one hand and holds the rose with the other. Then she gives it to Alex.

ONE ON ONE
Mr. Clean Anthony
This date is brought to you by the good folks over at Sprinkles Cupcakes.

I was confused for the Rodeo Drive portion of this date. If I learned anything from Pretty Woman, it’s that you’re supposed to glide into the snootiest of boutiques holding tons of packages while looking divine so you can tell the sales girl that she made a BIG MISTAKE…HUGE…by not waiting on you the previous day. Never once did Vivian gallop in on an actual horse.

Moreover, as a native Texan, the entire boot shopping exchange was equally puzzling. First, Texans can be particular about our boot-buying habits. Mainly, we want you to purchase your boots from an actual boot store. More times than not, the sales staff in this store will not be wearing felt fedoras and skinny jeans. With that said, I’m happy that Mr. Clean is going to participate in the boot-buying experience.

I will say that Rachel needed to dissuade him from selecting fire engine red boots as his foray into the boot-wearing world, but Mr. Clean is just so darn cute in his cowboy hat that I’ll allow it. What I won’t allow is trying on your boots while sitting on a horse. Now how can that in any way be helpful? PS: Wear socks.

After the boot store, Rachel and MC visit one of those fancy boutiques. I so wanted Rachel to buy a tie for Edward MC, but she got him a letterman’s jacket in a size too small for his massive frame. Even the horse was irritated. I knew by the rather large, blurred out dump he took on this darling store’s floor. The ABC Intern did not sign up for this.Clean up on aisle twelve! #livinthedream

That night, Rachel and MC dine on the side of a cliff overlooking the L.A. skyline. MC shares a little bit about his semi-perfect childhood and his desire to have kids. Rachel rewards him with a rose and a makeout session in front of a jazz combo showcasing who I assume is the new Kenny G. There must have been some serious chemistry for ABC to show so little of their dinner together. Rachel likes that he’s an old soul. I like him too, but feel the need to remind y’all that he is 26-years-old. Will Rach go for someone six years her junior? Dean is that age, too.

SECOND GROUP DATE
Male Model Brady
Dean
Adam
Kenny
Wolverine
Lee
Jack Stone
Eric
Adam Jr.

All of the guys gather into the sunken living room when they hear Rachel arrive with her girls. Jasmine, Corinne, Sholphin, and Raven (in a white crisscross bodysuit) all squeal and giggle as they escort the lucky group date boys to the party bus. Since Wolverine is a firefighter, Raven makes him work the pole. Kenny shoves him aside to show the boy how real men grind.

Raven takes this time to ask Wolverine which dude in the house is a red flag. She does the same to Lee. Both choose Eric.

Who’s Eric you say? I’m glad you asked. He’s the unfortunate one who doesn’t have a set of abs to show off during the mud wrestling tournament. Bless him.

The girls put on clear overcoats to protect their denim panties and fresh weaves from flinging mud. Male Model Brady longs for one to protect his high hair, but no dice. He’s forced into the pit anyway. One-by-one, the dudes are crushed by Kenny the Wrestler. I was confident someone was either going to bleed or choke on the mud. No one did. Most of the participants were good sports. That was a nice turn of events.

Rachel’s entourage is all about Dean. Raven spills the beans that everyone is suspicious of Eric, which is a bit of a stretch. This concerns Rachel enough to confront Eric about her findings. She makes sure to include Wolverine and Lee’s names in her questioning. Eric goes straight to the two dudes who threw him under the bus and demands an explanation. What gives?

Somehow Wolverine opts out with a generic, “You have the least connection with her right now.” This is a safe answer because Eric complains all that time that he is the only one without a connection. Lee’s answers are a little more cloudy, due to the fact that Lee is a master manipulator. Eric ends in a place where he convinces himself that all the other dudes are jealous of him for some reason. This feeling is totally validated when Rachel gives him the date rose.

ROSE CEREMONY
Rachel arrives looking gorgeous in a sparkly dress similar to the one she wore on night one. Thank goodness it’s white. It will go with everything, including Alex’s crazy purple and black zebra print suit, Will’s periwinkle ensemble, and Wolverine’s yellow jacket.

Iggy is the first up for some one-on-one time. He uses it to tattle on Eric. Something about protecting her when Eric flipped out the previous night. Then Iggy goes to Eric to “come clean” that he told Rachel all about their spat. The conversation somehow concludes with Iggy and Eric agreeing on this “opportunity for growth.”

Meanwhile, Lee uses his one-on-one time to talk about Eric, too. He also reports on the Iggy/Eric verbal fight. This is when I officially became bored of this storyline. Lee admits to the camera that he’s purposely taking advantage of Eric’s naivety. Had he sported a long mustache, he probably would have curled it with this thumb and pointy finger.

Rachel heads back to Eric to discuss the issues…again. She wants him to make sure he’s always himself, but she does admit that her radar is up since so many guys have a problem with him.

Eric asks all the guys to come together for a quick pow-wow. He wants them to know that he is aware that his name has been in everyone’s mouth this week. He wants it to stop. Make the journey about Rachel — not the other guys. Some of the guys balk and Eric gets upset. He wonders if he’s a threat?

Lee intervenes, reminding him that every person in the mansion is a threat to the others. It’s not about Eric. Quit making it about Eric.

Again, Eric shouts that IT IS ABOUT HIM, because everyone is talking ABOUT HIM.

Then Fleiss flashes his favorite “TO BE CONTINUED” text over the screen. So annoying.

Is Eric overtired? Or is he unable to handle the testosterone-filled pressure of living in filth with a bunch of dudes? Could it be something more? We see footage of Rachel crying next week, sad that she “knew she was going to have to talk about this.” I assume she’s alluding to race?

Who do you think is out next week? My guess is Iggy for tattling and Male Model Brady for that booger bit. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Tickle Monster’s time is up either. Thoughts? Sound off in the comments section! I’ll see you there this week!