Best friend rights and responsibilities

This is the title of one of the chapters in Mindy Kaling’s new book, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?” Most of you know Mindy as the darling Indian girl with psycho tendencies named Kelly Kapoor from The Office. I love the fact that Mindy is a writer, producer and director on the show. And she’s like 28 years old or something.

I picked up her book in Target the other day and almost read the entire thing on the plane to Midland. This chapter cracked me up because it is so true. I think Mindy and I would be total BFF’s if we lived in the same city. Here’s my evaluation of her “best friend rights” list which starts on page 80.

1. I can borrow all your clothes.
I would LOVE for this statement to be true. Since I’m more, shall I say, curvy and buxsom, most of my friends wear a size that my closet hasn’t seen since late elementary early junior high. I did however borrow my friend Mary’s black dress for a wedding last year and because I wasn’t raised in a barn, I took it to be dry cleaned before returning it. Sadly, I forgot to pick it up and they gave it to Goodwill after six months. She received a heartfelt apology from me along with a gift card to White House Black Market. That’s what friends do. They replace the stuff they borrow after they lose the stuff they borrow.

2. We sleep in the same bed.
I remember making the conscious decision to sleep in my college roommate’s bed with her on numerous occasions. Caroline’s mattress was like a big cloud and her sheets were super soft. Sometimes our other roommate Stephanie would join us because the cloud mattress was a king. But sometimes there are situations when there is one bed and two people. I agree with Mindy’s assessment…if the bed is bigger than a twin? We’re spooning.

3. I must be 100 percent honest about how you look, but gentle.
The year was 2000. I lived with Julie, who I had been in my life since I was 15-years-old. I walked out of my bathroom in a grey blouse and pinstriped pants. It was my first week as a PR Assistant Account Executive in a big Dallas firm. She told me my butt looked great in the pants but the shirt made me a little jaundice. To this day, I never wear grey on top. And I have Julie to thank.

4. If our phone conversations disconnect, there’s no need to call back.
This is me and my friend Rebecca. We were probably just calling to check in anyway. And it’s not like we’re not going to talk at least three more times that day anyway.

5. I will nurse you back to health.
This also includes my version of, “I will drive Keri to the hospital and sit with her while we wait for the results of the X-Ray from when she tripped over that pesky step on the river trip.”

Others from Mindy’s list include:
– I will keep your favorite feminine hygiene products at my house.
– I will try to like your boyfriend at least five times.
– I will hate and then re-like people for you.

One final friend responsibility that I’d like to add to the list is:

6. I will always pluck wayward hairs I may spot on your face.
I’d like to thank Jill for abstaining from pointing and laughing at the sizable, wispy hair she free handed from my chin one day as I was driving. Instead, she seemed impressed at her own ability to pluck without tweezers and my ability to grow such a Guinness Book worthy obstruction. That’s when you know things are way beyond surface level people.

I suggest you all surround yourselves with friends such as these. Feel free to add your own experiences in the comment section. We can all learn from each other. This is a safe place.

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November 10, 2011 11:33 am

Lincee, thanks for making my Thursday with this blog! All very true! I will say my sister is very good at plucking my eyebrows as I drive down the road. Good thing my watering eyes never caused a crash.

November 10, 2011 11:34 am

One mroe thing…in honor of Veterans Day I wanted to say “Thank you!!” to all the men and women who serve our contry both past and present. God Bless you all!!

November 10, 2011 12:39 pm

Love this. And I love each of the few people that come to mind when i read it. I think I’ll go call Susan now, just because. (and because it has been more than 24 hrs since our last conversation!)

Everyone needs a “bestie” in their life. Life is sweeter when you laugh uncontrollably with/at someone else!

November 10, 2011 1:32 pm

I just read the book last week- like you, I went through it so quickly. Loved it! The whole time I was reading it, I felt like I could just as easily be chatting with a girl friend. It read that authentically. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

November 10, 2011 2:49 pm

I was wondering if this was going to be a good read or not – and you answered my question. I will now be getting on my Nook.

My bestie thought of this other responsibility and I agreed!:
“Even when I complain to you about what a giant d*ck my husband is, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him, so thanks for not holding it against me…or him. “

November 11, 2011 1:20 am

add to the best friend list:
> I will tell you when I can see the little flowers on your underwear through your white skirt AND I will make you go home and change (this one’s for Kaarina)
> I will scoop up your cat’s poopy litter and vacuume the rabbit cage out while you are on vacation having fun
> I will always email you back before I leave work at the end of the day- promise
> I will NOT call you before 10 am on Sat
> I will make mac-n-cheese with some sort of fake milk/soy/almond/rice product so that you don’t fart so much
> thank you, best friend, for NOT sympathizing with my lazy husband, even tho you agree more with him than me on how the house should/should not be kept

November 11, 2011 10:32 am

i feel like this is so obvious that it does not need to be said, but i’m gonna go ahead and say it anyways – a best friend (even just a pretty good friend) should never date a man you used to date, even if you dated him for 5 minutes, but especially if you dated him for a long time. ever. he’s off limits forever.

good post, lincee!

November 11, 2011 12:46 pm

“I’d like to thank Jill for abstaining from pointing and laughing at the sizable, wispy hair she free handed from my chin one day as I was driving. Instead, she seemed impressed at her own ability to pluck without tweezers and my ability to grow such a Guinness Book worthy obstruction.”

Laughed out loud. At my desk. Tears included.

November 12, 2011 9:45 pm

I can totally relate, I did in fact, once pluck a chin hair from my best friend as we drove down the road. We were on the way to meet her boyfriend at the Air Force base, and as I noticed the hair en route, she begged me to get rid of it, so I grabbed the swiss army tweezers and took care of it on the spot. That’s what best friends are for!

Natty from Oz
Natty from Oz
November 13, 2011 2:53 am

Hilarious!!! What would we do without our girls in our lives????

I only found my chin obstruction when using the guest bathroom at my house…..better light….wish I’d had that good a friend to have pulled it out for me lol

November 13, 2011 8:52 pm

Loved this post and thanks so much for plugging the book! I picked it up at Target and loved it immediately.

November 15, 2011 11:49 am

I just picked the book up from the library and haven’t read it yet but this makes me even more excited about it.

November 16, 2011 11:13 am

My friend and I have a long standing promise to each other that if either of us is hurt in a car crash etc., the other will not come to the hospital but go directly to the house and empty the garbage, wash the dishes and do laundry before the injured friends mother in law shows up!!!

November 21, 2011 1:46 pm

why are you the funniest blogger i have ever read?

love your post on your mom’s scrunchie too, btw.

these are all priceless.

i have not been able to bring myself to tell my sister in law about the dark at least three in inch long coiling hair on her face….

i might just send her this blog post.

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