Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Denim Panties
When you turn on the television expecting to see Our Host Chris Harrison, but instead see Monday Night Football, emotions can run rampant. That’s what happened to me this week. Luckily, JJ Watt was there to make everything better for the most part.
Unfortunately, Bachelor in Paradise didn’t air until MIDNIGHT, so I was forced to watch Monday’s show hours before Tuesday’s debacle aired. If you’re doing the math, that’s FOUR HOURS OF BIP IN ONE SITTING.
Learn from my mistakes, people. It was brutal. Just like some of the highlights I’ll discuss below!
Bless it. I knew it was going to happen, but, BLESS ALL THE THINGS. Deanie Babies is back and he wants to whisk Caelyn away from all the Paradise madness. Does he care that she is totally, like, in love with Tall Connor? Heavens, no.
My favorite part of this entire exchange was the peanut gallery all sprawled out on the beach bed, trying to figure out what exactly was going on using nothing but body language. She’s touching her hair! Is she crying? Or is that laughter? Where is his mustache? How can he not pass out from wearing black head to toe?
Caelyn makes her way over to her ladies and they all group hug her because Pardising is hard work. Angela lightly punches Connor in the ribs and whispers, “Go get your girl.” They take off to the upstairs palapa where Connor reminds her of the many things Dean did to hurt her [cough-dumping you on your birthday-cough] and his general sense of ickiness.
Moments later, Caelyn shows up IN FULL MAKE UP to let Dean know she is all in. Even though she’s confused, she’s young and this is her time to be stupid. TO THE VAN! Dean pounces on her and kisses her BIG TIME in front of Tall Connor and the rest of the cast her are watching…right there…fifty-yards away…from the beach bed.
To quote Demi: “That’s not a good-bye kiss.”
Caelyn makes her way to Connor and leads with this sentence: “I’m gonna go. It doesn’t make sense.” Duh, Caelyn. Then she cries to everyone that she’s officially leaving camp and they all congratulate her for following her heart while Sydney shouts, “LOVE YOU!”
Connor wisely chooses to leave since Whitney never came down the steps.
Who’s Whitney you ask and how is Connor pining after a woman not named Caelyn? Good question. Let’s not pull at that thread. Just trust him when he says it was love at first sight when he saw her at The Goose’s wedding and he’s been thinking about her ever since.
So the producers send her into Paradise! Twenty-five minutes after Connor leaves. They literally passed each other on the highway. Whitney bounds down the steps and when she hears Connor isn’t there, she heads right back to her SUV to find the love of her life in a Mexican hotel room. Shirtless.
Paradise dreams do come true if you believe hard enough.
Enchantment Under the Sea Dance
Since Tayshia never went to her prom, John Paul Jones decides to have the ABC Intern run all over Mexico to find balloons, plastic crowns, and a crystal bowl full of purple punch. It was a makeshift night to remember. Or “knight to remember” if you went to Hallsville High School in 1994.
Things got awkward when a local musician starting playing a poignant yet jazzy rendition of Air Supply’s “Making Love Out of Nothing At All.” Fortunately, Tayshia invited all of the other couples to join her on the sandy dance floor so they could sway under the stars while the losers without dates watched from the beach bed.
Even though Tayshia tried to repay the kind gesture with a weird Titanic-themed “draw me like your French girls” moment with John Paul Jones (IN DENIM PANTIES), most believed that the prom was way more effective. The girls encouraged the other boys to step it up.
Blake listened. And with nine hundred votives and a thousand red rose petals, he created a fake date card to show Kristina how he really feels. Which is love. For her. He just knows it.
I’m not sure how he missed the incredibly noticeable body language when he tried to kiss her, or the fact that he suggests she “put on something nice” and she arrives in the exact same beach outfit she was wearing before. This guy is jonesing for some love and by golly, Kristina is just the default to give it to him!
Kristina begs to differ. She takes one look at the pseudo-romantic environment and through the smoky haze of countless candles, she tells him that she just can’t. Then she leaves him in a shell shocked state-of-mind. We see Blake trying to puzzle through his new reality. How could his journey to find love in Paradise be so brutal, when Stagecoach Redneck Cochella was such a walk in the park?
I have to say that I felt so very sorry for Other Luke when he tried to give his rose to Bri and she said no. Harrison confidently walks over to the rejected and playfully says, “Well, this has never happened before. Would anyone like Other Luke’s rose?”
No one stepped up. Not one. I feel like ABC owes him some sort of free jet ski afternoon with Jorge’s Toures to make up for even a fraction of that embarrassment.
Last Day of Camp
The next day, Our Host walks into Paradise and announces that the previous rose ceremony was the last rose ceremony. The couples have exactly however many minutes to decide if they are going to become a real life couple in the fantasy suite or not. If they don’t want to commit right then and there in the moment, they are banned from the beach without any chance to say good-bye to the other campers whom they’ve come to know and love like family in two weeks.
This sends most into a fitful tizzy.
Except Bri, who is really good at ripping Band-Aids. When Old Matt Donald asks his “supermodel” to join him in the fantasy suite (since he dumped Sydney the night before, LOVE YOU GIRL) Bri gives him some spiel about how she wants him to like her for more than her supermodel looks. She leaves him on the beach to sweat it out in confusion.
Chase and Angela bro hug it out, knowing that they couldn’t care less about each other.
Nicole wants Clay to tell her that he loves him, which he does not. In fact, he keeps saying things like “if we do this” or “if this works out.” She visibly irritated by this, but she’s not willing to rock this boat since fantasy suites are only a bikini wax away.
John Paul Jones tells Tayshia he’s in love with her and she brutally denies him through big, huge tears. She claims he doesn’t know what he’s looking for in a woman. Ouch. He hugs her good-bye, gets up from the beach bed, and walks away. Like a normal person.
Tayshia runs after him screaming that SHE IS SORRY! He whisks her up into his arms and we all think she’s had a change of heart, because clearly, one of the engaged hands at the end of this ride is an African-American woman with a caucasian man.
Nope. He was rescuing her from hot sand. He puts her down, hugs her again, and then cries while looking at a Polaroid from the best night of his life — Paradise Prom 2019.
Kristian and Demi work through their “don’t touch other people” and “I hate PDA” manufactured drama and agree to stay, along with boring old Hannah and Dylan.
And then there’s Old Man Chris who is freaking out because COMMITMENT is a mature man’s game. Katie talks him off the ledge by simply saying, “I’m not asking for an engagement. I just like you. Can’t we give this a shot?” The answer is yes, but I’m not sure I’m buying it.
So four couples are left and according to the scenes from engagements, there’s no way what they are showing in the promo is what actually happens. We won’t find out until Tuesday, September 17, thanks to the Dancing with the Stars premiere (starring our very own Hannah Bama!)
We will get some engagements, I assume, and an after Paradise powwow. Rumor has it that the next bachelor will be announced, too. Who do you think it will be? With Big Mike and Derek in the stadium seats, I can only assume Peter the Pilot is somewhere right now doing crunches. What do you think?
Kristina is just plain mean. She and Hayley must forever be banned from any future BIP’s.
She’s mean for not wanting to be with Blake?
I agree Kristina could have given Blake a chance. She acted a complete fool once Brie arrived, then the next day he is nice and trying to be committed and she dumped him… Just cruel. Makes me think back to that first date they had and she told him off.
Really?? How was she mean? She rejected a guy after being his fifth choice? She did the only sane thing imho
She is entitled to her choice to not be with Blake, however she was mean because she said earlier on when Hannah gave Dylan the rose over Blake that she only kept him to make him suffer. She used Blake just as much as he used her. I’m not sure if his intentions were true towards her at the end but she was cold & calculated in her rejection.
She definitely used him, and I’m sure the producers were all over it. But I don’t know about “cold and calculated”… it seemed a total surprise to her (and to everyone in the world) when he suddenly decided that she was the one all along. Her reaction and her interactions with him showed pretty clearly that she never bought it. If he was delusional, that’s not on her. She could have taken that relationship way further for “revenge” sakes, but she kept it mostly at friends and let it go when it got out of hand. Honestly, the fact that she even gave him the time of day after the stagecoach debacle, was pretty kind of her. I’m not saying she’s a saint, but she was just doing what she needed to do to stick around in paradise (not a new concept), and I didn’t really see her leading Blake on. That boy needs to wipe off his tears and get reacquainted with reality… maybe lay off ABC for awhile.
She has every right to not want to pursue a relationship with Blake after all the drama they’ve had together. Also no one should give anyone a chance if they don’t want to. She owes Blake nothing.
Great recaps Lincee!!!
My thoughts: I’m sorry, but I would follow Dean and those eyes any where!!!
Christian is really getting into the paradise stuff, hanging out and hugging everyone!
I loved the Prom! I loved Wells the best!
Was Dylan really laughing at Luke?? I felt so very bad for him
Hayley needs to stay away, I used to like her, but she said some really mean things about Luke! It was bad enough for him to go through that!
Yeah.. Dylan was laughing at Luke’s last moments that was childish and immature.
agree 100 about following dean he is downright dreamy
love VANtasy suite
kristian and demi are just boooooooooring
john prom jones is the best
grandpa chris needs to be done as does kristina
wells is adorbs
that was horrendously embarrassing for luke im a tad disappointed in OHCH for making it like a thing
tayisha is too cute
clay is just not that into fake jlo
def think the engagement will be barbie and ken (d and h)
conner for bach??????!!!
Oh gosh, please no Connor for bachelor! He is cute, with a dazzling smile….but my ears bleed a little when he talks. Dudes shouldn’t have vocal fry.
I COULD NOT watch Connor as bachelor. His voice is painnnnnful to my ears. Please no.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Like, what’re you saaaaaaaying, liiiiiiike, you, liiiiiiiiike, don’t like the way he, liiiiiiiiiike, talks? That’s, liiiiiiiiike, sooooooo harrrrrrrsh.
I noticed that too and it really repulsed me. He was the one crying on screen when Blake was trying to take his girl and has the audacity to laugh at Luke? Luke could’ve walked away, but he took a chance. Kudos to him taking a risk, shame on Dylan for giggling about it. BLEK
EDITING people!! It’s a thing!!
I am betting that outside Paradise Hannah and Dylan fall apart, he seems extremely clingy and that’s not going to work in the everyday world since she is a Video Vixen!
Hope Derek is the next Bachelor, they need a mature person!
I loved the different captions they had under’s Chris name it was very funny!
What did they say? I missed that part….
Last night they had “Hoping it will last.” 🙂
Throughout the entire season they’ve changed the caption under Chris’s name each time it’s shown. I think the first time they listed every show he’s ever been on, then it was like “All the shows” and “Not Gerard Butler” and “Every show ever” etc
Dylan is a dick after the way he laughed at Luke’s rejection. Karma’s a bitch and she’ll come for him O.o
My guess is Pilot Pete will be the new Bachelor. I don’t see any of these BIP couples going the distance. From the promos, it looks like JPJ will propose to Tayshia at the after show. Bless him…
So….the producers of Paradise let Connor leave, knowing full well that Whitney was on her way. Why in the world would they allow that to happen? It seems that if they were going to reunite them anyway, it would have been much easier to just TELL Connor to wait 15 min, not 5! But they let him go, so it makes me wonder……
1. Is there no cell service in Paradise?
2. Did the two Suburban drivers not recognize each other when they passed each other on that skinny dirt road?
3. Did a rogue producer tell Connor that if he “peaced-out” BEFORE Whitney came, he’d be able to spend the rest of Paradise in his cushy, ginormous hotel room WITH Whitney? Oh, and that they’d bring her TO HIM, as long as he didn’t shower off the oil, sand, and bug spray once there, so they could be twinsies in their bathing suits?
4. Will next summer’s contestants see this, and with this new, apparent “option”, choose to “forgo” the beach, and then hook-up at the air-conditioned hotel? I wouldn’t blame them!
This show is the dumbest…..but dang if I can’t stop watching. THANK YOU Lincee, for making it worth it!
Lauren Zima from ET who is dating OHCH guessed that they needed more advertising minutes for the Vidanta resort? I would have thought the wedding was enough but she has a point. I agree that latecomers may try to engineer that in the future…
Tough season in BIP! At the end of this, I am not emotionally invested in any of the remaining couples, except for Demi and Kristian. Despite the editing going on, they seem like a sure thing for an engagement. The only mystery is if they’ll each get a ring out of Mr. Lane. I think this season leaned way to heavily towards drama, and not enough towards loving relationships. It’s a tough balance, but you have to have the romance careen towards love in order to keep the Bachelor Nation loyal; sheer drama does not get the job done.
Each episode I keep hoping Dylan will develop a spine, but it’s pretty clear that’s not going to happen. My only question is whether Hannah will tire of being worshipped. The beach crew seems convinced it’s real love, but I think Hannah’s feelings will devolve into boredom, irritation, and finally indifference.
I’m prepared to be quite wrong.
The way Dylan laughed at Luke’s rejection, I’m sure he’s marriage material.
Something about Kristina everybody forgot about: Y’all remember the first week when it was the “who didn’t I bang at Stage Coach?” Show? She told us she was gonna make him her BITCH.
AND SHE DID. AND WALKED AWAY. Come on, you GOTTA respect that. You GOTTA. She was all in with Blake and he screwed her over but good. She got her revenge. And it was SWEET.
They’re still in their early 20’s. I vote she gets a pass.
R E S P E C T
If you really think about it, she did Blake a huge favor. She gave him a chance to stick around to try to salvage his reputation, which he was all too happy to take (he could have left, like anyone else would have!). And then, she did him an even bigger favor by dumping him. Nothing puts you back in Bachelor Nation’s good graces like getting dumped. I hope Blake thanked her for that, and for not pretending like they were gonna get engaged after he treated her like third class for half of bip.
Sydney and Wells were the only rational ones left.
I’ve never seen such a group of superficial trash before, totally agree with last hold outs. Best wishes to Sydney and Wells.