The morning after the Bachelor airs, I spend roughly six to eight delightful minutes chatting with radio personalities Jessica and Murphy over at Star 104 in Erie, PA. 

FYI: “Radio personalities” are the voices that come out of your car speakers when you punch that button that says FM/AM. It’s not artificial intelligence. These are not distant relatives of SIRI or ALEXA. They are real, breathing people.

Anyway, our conversation sizzled when I offered that last night’s episode was good. Jessica and Murphy balked, accurately stating that The Goose and Krystal’s wedding was a snooze fest. 

That is a true statement. But the stuff that went on around and during the wedding was GOLD.

Here Comes the Bride

The Goose and Krystal found love in Paradise. They owe all of their happiness to Our Host Chris Harrison. And if you want ABC to foot the bill for your humid wedding, you must invite the current cast of Paradise, and other infamous faces of the franchise, to make up eighty-percent of your wedding guests. 

Move over Uncle Al, Ashley I-Lashes and Jared need a front row seat for these nuptials. 

Seriously. I think Havana Nicole put it best when she said mingling during pre-wedding cocktails was like a class reunion with all the grades crashing the party. Tia was there, alone. Becca was there, alone. Raven and Adam were there to check out what The Goose and Krystal got in the “if you get engaged on TV” package. Hot Chase showed up with Man Bun BROOKS from Des’ season. The gang’s all here! 

The wedding was fine. There are only two details I want to point out to you.

1. All the girls applied the same bronzer, no matter what her skin color.

2. A guy named Matt Stell, sang “Pray For You” as Krystal walked down the aisle. I guess she had to draw the line someone when producers approached her with sample tracks of Jed’s music. That’s probably why Angela (Clay’s old girlfriend) was selected to be a bridesmaid. It was a compromise. 

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride

Let me tell you, Angela looked incredible. And the way she sashayed down that aisle was a calculated walk she has been practicing for weeks. I have no idea if she knew Clay would have a Cuban woman clinging to him when he arrived, but she came prepared for battle. 

The side eye Clay gives her when she passes him was life changing. I will live off of the residual effects of this moment for days. 

Thank you, Bustle, for creating an entire article that captures Twitter’s reaction to this revenge walk!

Big thanks also goes out to the ABC Intern for being forward thinking enough to include a well-lit “conversation couch,” complete with fake greenery and fluffy pillows in case guests need to catch up, debrief, or make out. Angela and Clay gathered there to hammer out a few details of their breakup. Let the record show that Angela did NOT want to end this. That was Clay’s decision. Additionally, their one goal in life is to make sure the other one is happy. 

Interesting. No one is trying to make Havana Nicole happy. And the fact that Clay admits he will always have feelings for Angela doesn’t help things. Do you know what else doesn’t help? The moment Angela arrives in Paradise next week. 

I may have stood up. I also may have wished that she goes out on a date with Blake. Am I a horrible person?

All the Single Ladies

As we suspected, Dean dumps Caelyn on her birthday after handing her a rose. Why? Because he knows she does not want to live in a van down by the river. This woman needs certain amenities like an eyelash bar, a makeup mirror, and hot water. Plus, he’s not one who likes dinner parties or talking about squishy feelings. It’s best to end it now. Otherwise, she will fall further in love.

This sucks for Caelyn. Especially when she has to dress up to attend a wedding for people she couldn’t care less about. But when TALL CONNOR arrives with Hot Chase and Man Bun Brooks, all bets are off. She fluffs her hair, applies a fresh coat of gloss, and plasters on her best pageant smile as if to say, “Dean who?”

Y’all this is such a coincidence, but did you know that Caelyn has been wishing and hoping and thinking and praying about the day Tall Connor would come to Paradise? It’s so sad that he never did! And now she gets to meet him and completely lose herself in whatever he’s interested in. What luck! It’s too bad she only has tonight.

Wait for it…

We Are Family

The Goose and Krystal call everyone from Paradise over for a quick pow-wow, as one might do during a franchise wedding. He enthusiastically reminds them that Paradise is powerful and it is his hope that they too will one day find their significant other on the magical Mexican beaches. Then he invites a select group of folks to join him at “his table” during the after party. This includes Hannah, Dylan, Caelyn, Blake, Big Mike, Mother Russia, and Clay.

The rest of The Goose’s table rejects look around and wonder, “Are we still invited to the after party? We’re just sitting at a peripheral table, correct? They wouldn’t send us back to the beach as if we just lost a group date challenge, right?”

Oh, but they would. 

After a close up shot of a terrifying cake topper that is supposed to resemble The Goose and Krystal, we see that the after party (don’t you date call it a reception) is in full swing. Here’s what you need to know:

Hannah and Dylan are boring.

Blake tries to make a move on several women, but his Stagecoach reputation has spread like wildfire. Astrid (remember her?) suggests, “You should go home.” Ashley I-Lashes takes it one step further: “You should move to Europe.”

Big Mike is slowly losing his bid as the next bachelor, thanks to his normal ways. He did catch Clay in a horrendous Freudian slip when Clay called Angela “my girlfriend.” 

Kristina sets her eyes on Connor and chats with him on a couch that is not the official conversation couch. Through context clues and body language, I’d say that she was inviting him to pursue her. 

Caelyn takes matters into her own hands. She goes straight to the dance floor and asks Connor (who is flossing up a storm) to join her on the conversation couch. It is there where they admit that the other is super hot. Then they make out. 

For the fifth time that night, Caelyn tells the camera that it is so sad that Connor isn’t in Paradise. She only has this moment to cherish forever. 

This is when we knew, Hundo P, that Connor would be walking down into Paradise the next day. Which he did. And he asked Caelyn to go out on a date where they paint each other’s bodies and then dry hump on a canvas. The grey blob will forever immortalize their love for each other. 

Again, Dean who? 

Party Crashers

The most annoying part of the episode was John Paul Jones’ fight with Derek. In a nutshell, JPJ thinks that Derek’s motives for being in Paradise are questionable. He thinks Derek is there to promote his podcast and to pick up women AFTER the show airs. He wants to protect Tayshia from such nonsense.

So he cries about it to Blake. He whines about it to Demi, who immediately sticks up for Derek. He complains to Katie. He rudely brings it up to Tashia moments before Krystal walks down the aisle and then he yells at Derek at the post wedding/pre after party toast. Everyone can hear him. As a result, Tayshia breaks down and Krystal looks like she wants to scratch someone’s eyes out.

Which she can do. It’s her day, after all.

When John Paul Jones and Derek aren’t invited to the cool kids’ table, JPJ attacks Derek again at the Paradise bar. He thinks Derek is insulting his intelligence and interrupts Derek when he asks to please explain why he’s so mad. 

Why is he so mad? Because he loves Tayshia and he can see that she is into Derek. But Derek should have known that John Paul Jones likes Tayshia, even though he went out on two dates with Tahzjuan and The Twin. Duh. 

Although this doesn’t paint Derek in the best of light, my hope is that it’s all an over exaggeration and John Paul Jones is suffering from all the maladies that come from too much booze and boredom on a beach for three weeks. 

According to next week’s previews, someone does leave on his or her own accord. Fingers crossed that it’s Derek because he has to be fitted for the tuxedo he will be wearing in his Bachelor Season 24 promos.